Adam Wainwright went 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was out-dueled by Jeff Locke (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks). Wainwright being out-dueled seems to be the norm lately. In August, his ERA is 5.17 and he says he’s going through a ‘dead arm’ phase. Ways that a dead arm could help (in no particular order): tricking a zombie while playing dead, making your other arm feel more alive, doorstop, can’t pick up a bill because your wallet is in the dead arm pocket, screaming out “Sorry, dead arm!” when cutting off people while driving and making your Bernie Lean more believable. Ways that a dead arm won’t help: pitching. Verlander’s arm must be so dead that necrophiliac stray dogs try to constantly hump it. You have to hold onto Wainwright and hope he comes out of it, but obviously this was not what you wanted to hear. By the by, Rudy tells me after he learned his wife was preggers with twins he went through a ‘dead penis’ phase. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yadier Molina – Could be activated on Friday. He came back from a torn ligament in his thumb quicker than the Molina brothers could do a Chinese fire drill.
Michael Wacha – Will make a rehab start on Sunday, and could return about two weeks after that. I’m waiting with bated breath. Or baited breath, if I were teasing a 12-year-old Mike Trout.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .263. Also, in this game, Ike Davis (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 10th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Holliday is hitting only twenty-four points higher than Ike Davis. Of course, Holliday has more counting stats because he plays every day. That, Mr. Holliday Owner, is your only consolation. As for Davis, he could be a hot schmotato. He faces righties, and takes a bench spot against lefties so Yo Gaby Gaby can do his/her thing.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he got right back on the field after his collision with the wall on Tuesday. Doode’s a beast at playing every game. Love that. Him and Adam Jones are like Cal Ripken’s adopted babies that were raised by Ripken and his maid, Dontrelle Willis. “Is your rib sore, McCutchen?” Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?
Jed Lowrie – Will start a rehab trip this weekend. Hey, Nick, our TV on the Radio host, should pick him up! I’m exhausted thinking about how far Nick’s traveled.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Not guaranteed another start. Besides, was this start best in show? Not exactly. Now if Pomeranz had a little pipe and a Sherlock hat on…Well, that would be cute!
Coco Crisp – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer. He’s not a guy I ever draft, so I have no idea how he ended up on two of my teams this year. Would also love to know how he only has 16 steals. Todd Frazier has more than that. Jesus Crisp!
Sam Fuld – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s nothing compared to game Foghornio Leghornuez had.
Eric O’Flaherty – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. I’d be lying if I said it was an easy save. It was nearly O’F-me-already. Not the kind of save that instills confidence in me that the A’s are going to keep going to the Dad from Freaks and Geeks either. I’m holding O’Flaherty, and hoping his next opportunity goes a little smoother. I would think closing out a game, even if it was wonky, does get him some points in Beane’s eyes.
Chris Carter – 2-for-5 and his 33rd homer. All Hurry K’d Carter does is homer! Seriously, that’s pretty much it. But so what? You need something else? A back massage perhaps? Get out of here!
Erasmo Ramirez – 3 IP, 10 ER. Oh my God, I almost streamed him vs. the Rangers yesterday. Tragedy to the world’s most handsome fantasy baseball ‘pert was averted by the skin of my teeth. *sigh of relief* I haven’t wanted a cigarette in two-plus years since I stopped smoking, but from my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, if I would’ve streamed Erasmo, I would’ve smoked an entire pack in the closet like when you’re a teenager and get caught smoking. What happens if a parent catches their kid vaping? Do they make them go into the closet and drink a bottle of nicotine juice? Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Bangfizzle!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. He had the exact opposite home run as a bangfizzle. He went the entire game without a hit, then homered in his last at-bat in the ninth. There should be a glossary term for this, as well. Please suggest in the comments.
Alex Rios – The Rangers scored 12 runs and Rios sat out. Holy sit! Actually, Rios has sit on this whole season. A big, formless sit that sticks to the side of the bowl and you have to get on your knees and clean it because guests are coming over and you don’t want them to know you sit the toilet.
Leonys Martin – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I’ve been rocking Leonys on my RCL team for about a week now like a mofo genie! Like a ‘mofo genie’ is the badassiest thing you can say, don’t try to top it ever. Since I’ve owned Martin on my team, he’s hitting .419 with a homer and a steal, that’s in 31 ABs.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Comatose Rangers Fan, “We scored 12 runs with Rios and Fielder out and nothing from Beltre! Oh, man, we are primed for the playoffs! Right? Seriously, stop staring at me and answer!”
Tomas Telis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Rangers called up Telis to replace Soto as their backup catcher. In Triple-A this year, he hit .345, and has sported incredibly low K-rates his entire time in the minors. He seems kinda like James Loney behind the plate. Whoa, talk about sexy! Okay, so he’s not much outside of deep AL-Only two catcher leagues, but he’s worth a look there.
Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Lewis said he booked his entire trip to the Ivictory Coast through Orbitz and got a great deal at the W. Quite the thrifthound that Lewis.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I like Idriselba Despaigne as much as the next guy, but he can’t be trusted. All his shows end prematurely.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 K. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to get zero Ks vs. the Padres. YoGa, you’re nothing if not surprising.
Joey Votto – Fielded ground balls yesterday. If they were nuts, he could’ve called himself a squirrel.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and homered in his first major league at-bat. I want him in every league for the rest of my life. Wait, that’s not enough to show my love. I’m going to show up on Soler’s doorstep and pull a Will Smith in Six Degrees of Separation and live with him for the rest of my life. We’re bunkmates now! What?
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3 and a slam (13) and legs (1). That’s fine, as long as he doesn’t give Soler any funny looks. Don’t try to rattle my bunkmate!
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA up to 3.15. Considering he entered this game with a 6.1 K/9, I’d gladly accept four earned runs in seven innings if it meant he started striking out guys. His velocity is way off this year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if February Grey has some choice words for Latos.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 50th steal. Took about 116 years, but finally Billy Hamilton stole 50 bases again!
Manny Machado – Had season-ending knee surgery, but should be ready for the start of Spring Training. Mmhmm. That’s right, I’m sitting in judgment of his timetable with my mmhmm.
Kevin Gausman – 4 IP, 2 ER. Ah, the joys of rookie pitchers. Like a root canal that feels good once in a while.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and hitting .190. There’s only room for one Adam Dunn. Anywhere. In the universe, in fact. Don’t try and be him, Davis.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3 and his 5th steal, and has 4 homers in the last ten games. When I say hot, you say schmotato. Hot… Schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Pot…Schm– Ah, I got you.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4. Can we check to make sure Yunel hasn’t been wearing Longoria’s jersey this whole season? Get to 20 homers, you schmohawk!
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has an ERA of 1.50 on the Rays in 36 IP. I’m ready to get off the fence and grab The Emoticon in every league. Tampa seems to be agreeing with him. It must be strip mall after strip mall of Hooters, Outback, Blimpie, Hardee’s and repeat.
Denard Span – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. After the game vs. the Phils, Span said, “It got me fired up to challenge myself. I’d hit the ball, then see if I could catch it in center. That was me out there, right?”
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 17th steal. Last year, he was the best shortstop in fantasy. This year, he’s within percentage points of being number one again. You go for your Tulos and Hanleys, I’ll wait for Jean Segura, but Desmond wouldn’t be bad if you’re not a glutton for punishment.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. No one’s going to let you pass through waivers, Byrd, give it a rest.
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-2 and his 17th homer. This is you owning Rollins in March. This is you owning Rollins in August. Same you, but your confidence doesn’t seem as delusional.
Wilin Rosario – Hit the DL with Weisshatesmyguts. The only cure is hitting .220, playing great defense at shortstop and texting Carney Lansford, “YOLO!” I want a t-shirt that has a picture of Carney Lansford and it says, YOLO. Speaking of shirts (terrible segue), we’re giving away a Razzball t-shirt to the person with the best fantasy baseball team name.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer. Think about if Weiss had just played him all year. Now you know how Rosario feels.
Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hmm, so maybe I will stream everyone against the Rockies while they are on the road.
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 1 ER and a blown save. He’s been pretty underwhelming for the last month, but he hasn’t blown a save since April. On the other hand, Sergio Romo has not given up a run in the last month. On a third hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, I would own both guys if I were desperate for saves.
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his his 18th homer, and 3rd in the last two games. Right now, Buster’s hot like he’s rubbing suntan lotion on Lucille.
Adrian Gonzalez – Out yesterday with back stiffness. Honestly, I’ve never seen A-Gon bend over. I thought he was always stiff. Boy looks like he’s got too much starch in his drawers.
Scott Van Slyke – Hit his 10th homer, but then left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain. Bring up, Joc Pederson! Oh, wait, they’re going to, but there’s still three outfielders in front of him. Club Crawford in the hamstring with your gimp ankle, Van Slyke!
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, hitting near-.450 in the last week. It’s Justin Turner Overdrive.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Pretty lame he gave up an unearned run. Someone’s gonna have to live with that!
Patrick Corbin – Diamondbacks announced Corbin would be back in June. That’s if Kevin Towers can’t trade him for Adeiny Hechavarria before then!
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3 and his 12th steal. Hot schmotato alert!
Hector Santiago – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s a streamer, this start was against the Marlins, his next start is against the Astros in Houston so *raspberries lips* Well, look at the Stream-o-Nator if you don’t believe me.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. What does it say about me that I envision finally owning him in 2020 and then he has a season-ending injury in April? I need better fantasies of fantasy.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. This dish is marvelously… Terrible…. And I still want to eat it… And then vomit it back up… Then eat it again. Sorry, that was my Gordon Ramsey impersonation.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-3 and his 1st homer. “That’s what we need,” says Kevin Towers.
Zach Putnam – 1/3 IP and his 4th save. Hallelujah! Or one of the other six spellings of halleluiah! I will accept your religion when we can all agree on one spelling of halleluya. Jake Petricka has been pounded in his last two outings, so Robin Ventura might have finally tired of him. He had just thrown on Tuesday, so it could just be he was getting a rest, but I’d absolutely grab Putnam in all leagues if you’re chasing saves.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .305 on the year. He’s under 50% owned, and if we can’t correct that in the next day, I’m going to need to write about Eaton in Friday’s Buy column. Save my fingers a 27-word blurb!
Xander Bogaerts – Cleared to return from his concussion DL on Saturday. You think if Bogaerts gets pulled over for a DUI and is asked to blow into a breathalyser, he tells the cop, “To Have and Have Not. Now can I go?”
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.86. He’s actually been better on the Red Sox than all the starters the Cardinals traded for at the deadline. Of course, Julio Petard has been better than Masterson, and Julio Petard doesn’t exist…Yet.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games. It feels like Bautista has been just decent, right? He’s actually the 9th best outfielder and a top 25 overall player on our Player Rater. Thanks for making it so difficult but not impossible to do steroids, Selig!
Marcus Stroman – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Did I just say that rookie pitchers weren’t safe? What a gooftard! Oh, Stroman’s ERA is 3.88 and he’s just coming off a 5 IP, 5 ER game. Yeah, they’re not safe. This was one of those root canals that tickles.
Brett Cecil – 1 1/3 IP, and nailed down his 5th save. He Kimbrel’d the ninth inning, striking out Napoli, Cespedes and Craig. Casey Janssen has been far from good, and on Tuesday he was slammed for three runs. Since Janssen is definitely going to be pitching for someone else next year, it makes sense for the Jays to give Cecil a closer audition for the final month. At least that’s what I keep saying to myself as I pick him up. I need SAGNOF so bad, c’mon, Cecil!
Krispie Young – Signed a minor league deal with the Yankees. Krispie’s hoping to take advantage of the short porch like John Wilkes Booth.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (36, 37). Really has turned it on in the last three days. Please stop now. Please.
Brian McCann – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s hit in eight of his last ten games with two homers in that time. He still doesn’t look the same to me since he shed his glasses, and his batting average (.238) appears to miss those glasses, but he has been hitting.
Shane Greene – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. After the game, he tossed his jersey to a kid in the crowd in exchange for a Coke. You ain’t so mean, Shane Greene! Though, you might think he is mean if you trust him on your fantasy team.
David Price – 2 IP, 8 ER vs. the Yankees. Well, the Yankees never let price stop them before.
Victor Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 26th homer. It depresses me already to think of the unsuspecting sap who is going to draft him in the top 75 next year.
Phil Hughes – 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I streamed him and he had a two-hitter going through 7 innings and looked superb and I was like, “Stream-o-Nator gave this a low score? What does that machine know anyway?!” Then Hughes unraveled in the next four batters, and his bullpen forked over two inherited runs onto his line. Lowercase yay. Foiled by the machine.
Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 8th win, lowering his ERA to 0.77. I rarely mention middle relievers unless they’re going to see saves, but wow. He has 87 Ks in 58 1/3 IP, a 0.82 WHIP and 27 Holds. Enjoy it now because he will be garbage again next year. Not even joking, the amount of turnover from year to year for great middle relievers is ridiculous. It’s like every middle reliever in the league is being managed by Joe Torre.
Julio Teheran – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. And to think in some circles Teheran gets a bad rap. Pfft!
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Dah, Heyward, you’re soiling my thoughts about Soler because you too homered in your first at-bat. Don’t soil what is wonderful!
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.44. His ERA on July 5th was 4.25. Tomorrow his ERA will be zero! Okay, won’t be zero, but my exaggeration points out the kind of turn around he did this year. The 2nd year in a row he’s done it. Will be interesting to see if he can put together a full season next year. Not as interesting as how white can Sammy Sosa get, but interesting nevertheless!
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer as he filled in for Daniel Murphy. Flores has a nice bat, and the Mets should be playing him somewhere, but they’re not. Perhaps it spooked Alderson when an old Mexican woman, dressed in all black, rode her bike through his office saying, “Flores para los muertos.”
David Wright – Admitted yesterday that his shoulder is still bothering him. Is it me or does he update the media that some sorta injury is bothering him every day? It’s like when your mom says, “No, it’s okay, Grey, I can get the can of San Marzano tomatoes down from the high shelf to make you your favorite pasta. My broken toe that I wrapped in 1987 so I could go straight to your Little League game rather than the hospital feels fine today.” Okay, maybe only my mom says that. Will someone please just get Wright the can of tomatoes and let him rest until March?
