So nice to see Yu. Saludos, my Darvish. Come on, let’s mingle. You know, my dear, my father used to say to me, Grey, don’t be a schnook. It’s not how Yu feel. It’s how Yu look. And you, Darvish, you look absolutely marvishlous. Cole Hamels — bleh. R.A. Dickey — eh. Yu Darvish — absolutely marvishlous! When a beautiful girl passes or when you see something you know you may never see again, what do you say? I say, oohbeekadoobie like I’m Billy Crystal impersonating Sammy Davis Jr. Nothing else can express the start Darvish had last night. Oohbeekadoobie, baby, oohbeekadoobie. That’s all I have. Sure, it’s a nonsensical word that’s origin of meaning is bupkis, but when one comes face-to-face with wonder, one is left with nothing but oohbeekadoobie. Just like Darvish pulled up just short of a perfect game, I’ll pull up short of saying he’s a number one/top ten starter off of one start in April vs. the Astros. The Astros, mind you, who are put together as a team the same way you used to put together pick up games. If you have a glove and bat, you can play for them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. After the Blue Jays paid Dickey $25 million, they should’ve took seventy bucks, went to Home Depot, bought some wood, grabbed a couple of laborers and made a new backstop behind home plate that was three feet behind Arencibia. Or asked how much San Fran wants for the 26-foot high mitt in their outfield and placed that thing behind home. Just Peachy is so not with the ol’ knuckleball. I’m putting the over/under for passed balls for J.P. at 50.
Lucas Harrell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Got pretty lost in Darvish’s performance last night. The Astros playing second fiddle — <sarcastic>crazy!</sarcastic> Harrell is one of those starters that I can’t imagine eliciting any enthusiasm in mixed leagues, but could be sneaky valuable at the back end of an AL-Only staff. He’s just under a 7 K-rate with a chance for a hair under four ERA. Like I said, AL-Only only (stutterer!).
Jonny Venters – Dr. Freeze shut him down for 4 weeks. Yesterday, Venters received an injection of platelet-rich plasma. I recently got a plasma from Best Buy. Me and Venters can be friends now.
Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks. As I said in the preseason, the death of Estrada is gonna be due to the long ball. He gave up a few cheap hits to run up his WHIP, but no walks, plenty of Ks and the only balls hit on the nose (no offense, Niese) went over the fence. I’m holding tight for now.
Troy Tulowitzki – Two games, two homers. CarGo — the same. Could they live in a bubble when they’re not on the field to avoid injuries? Does one have to dust if they live in a bubble? I got questions, y’all!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ryu marvishlous? No, but solid nevertheless. It wasn’t just the pear-shaped comparisons to David Wells last night that looked accurate in Jaywrong’s Ryu sleeper, his control looked impeccable.
Lance Berkman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs as he stays in the three hole. I hope Rudy is right about Berkman being this year’s Zombino.
Ryan Sweeney – Signed with the Cubs. Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.” Show him what he wins! A brand new 2013 Ellipsis! …
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The end result looks a lot better than he pitched. Estrada, for instance, looked better. So if your league has an Appearances category, and it’s not the usual baseball meaning of Appearances, Estrada’s still better than Masterson.
Shaun Marcum – Scratched from his weekend start. Aaron Laffey is expected to start in his place. Since fantasy is no Laffey matter, I’d avoid him. As I mentioned in the podcast, in very deep leagues, I’d keep an eye on Jewess Familia. He’s a pizza bagel after my own heart!
Ryan Ludwick – Will miss three months with a dislocated shoulder. That’s really scary. Next time I’m at the doctor I’m gonna get the shoulder upgrade with GPS.
Paul Goldschmidt – Moved up to clean up — happy trombone! 0-for-3 — sad trombone.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. Could be a great end of the rotation ratio helper, which isn’t as smiley as Hamburger Helper, but just as nourishing.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers after his torrid spring. To keep Morse in the groove, the Mariners simulated Arizona by putting cactus in the locker room and paying for Kendrys’ boob job.
Scott Kazmir – Already has injury concerns. If he can’t throw today, he might miss his scheduled start and hit the DL. The DL has a “Welcome Home” banner hanging over its door.
Jaime Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. Jaime was also Lowme, Offtheoutsidecornerme and Inthedirtme in his final inning as he walked the bases loaded. Luckily, Mujica bailed him out as any good Mujica would do.
Brandon Belt – Sat with a stomach bug. I hope it’s not a tapeworm. I saw a video once… Well, just don’t Google “disgusting video of 25-foot tapeworm coming out of someone’s butt.”
Andres Torres – 1-for-4, 1 run. Will split time in left field with Gregor Blanco. Bochy said, “I’ll go with whichever is the hottest bat.” Then Bochy should go with Cowgill!
Brett Lawrie – Expected to miss two more weeks. He’s just waiting on his ribs. Somebody get this man a pressure cooker.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Overheard at MattWietersFacts.com HQ, “Hey, ‘member that site we started about Wieters three years ago? We’re getting traffic again!”
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4. For anyone that’s read this site for a minute (an Urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time) knows that my Reimold love runs deep and I bleed orange for him like I’ve only eaten Cheetos and drank Tang for the last four years.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer. If you’ve invested in CD, this is the kind of dividend I’d expect on a good day. This blurb was sponsored by Wall Street. Come back, we’re fine!
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. You’re on the phone with your best fantasy baseballer buddy. He asks you who you drafted this year for pitching because he cares and I guess he doesn’t have internet to just look at it or is too lazy (hey, he’s your friend, not mine). You name all of your guys, but there’s one guy you own that you can’t remember. You look at your team to refresh your memory and it’s Hammel. Solid backend fantasy starter that is an afterthought.
Robinson Cano – Signed with Jay-Z’s new sports agency. Just in time for him to release his first single, Can to the Izz-O. “For shizzle my Canizzle you can’t quibble with my BA… Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… That’s the national anthem, get your damn ass up and take off your hat! Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… Not wearing braces, y’all got to see Girardi! Was servin’ em in the House that Ruth built, got me dirt cheap for my first seven years now Jay-Z’s gonna put your wallet on tilt… Plus if they was short with cheese, I would work with them… Not really! Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… For sheezy I’m Caneezy, keep my arms so freezy… Can’t leave baseball alone, the game needs me… Haters want me clapped in steroid talk, it ain’t easy… Bloggers want to knock me, MLB wants to box me in… But somehow I beat them charges like Rocky… Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… That’s the national anthem, get your damn ass up and take off your hat! Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… Not wearing braces, y’all got to see Girardi!”