Danny Farquhar earned the save on Saturday and Sunday for the Mariners. The first two of his career. I guess the whole 5+ ERA didn’t scare off acting manager Robby Thompson or he has no idea who he’s signaling from the bullpen. I’m guessing the latter here, if latter means he’s a moron. Thompson is managing while Eric Wedge recovers from a mild stroke that he suffered while trying to follow Robby Thompson home from the stadium one night. Eric Wedge, “Why are you going left with your right turn signal?! You can’t make a left on red! Oh, you’re going right? Then why are you signaling left?! I’m coming Elizabeth!” Lord Farquhar is the closer now, so obviously you own him, but who knows what Thompson’s doing. He could signal for a ball girl next. I do look forward to when the Mariners fans get a cheering section for Farquhar together. They can dress up like giant penises and name themselves, the Farqwits. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Pryor – Shut down for the season. At least that’s what I read somewhere. I had no Pryor knowledge of it.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. Pretty hilarious how he’s getting all of his stats in before being suspended. It’s like the teacher told him to never bring his phone into class again after today, so he just never left class for the rest of the year.
Miguel Cabrera – Hasn’t played since Tuesday due to a strained abdominal muscle. I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on the DL for the stretch run. Or just so he can stretch and/or run.
Rick Porcello – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Still like him, but don’t love the regression on the K-rate lately. I hope someone didn’t get to him and tell him something stupid like Ks don’t matter. They’re the only thing that matters!
Adam Dunn – 4-for-5 and his 26th homer. Donkeytastic!
David Wright – Will miss about a month with a hamstring injury. Replacing him at 3rd base and batting 3rd yesterday was Josh Satin (0-for-4, hitting near.150 in the last week). Ah, the ol’ Jim Leyland School of Filling Out A Lineup Card. With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper. So he only has one lineup card all year and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing. Since he doesn’t smoke, I have no idea why Terry Collins is saving lineup cards. Maybe he’s a tree hugger.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. You can’t stream him or you’ll shoot your ratios eyes out with those BBs.
Salvador Perez – Hit the DL with a concussion. The story he’s telling us is becoming clear. His fantasy value took a roofie and went into a coma-like state for a few months, then his grandmother, thinking Perez’s fantasy value was gone, drank hemlock. Then his fantasy value woke, found his grandmother passed and fell on a sword. It’s the story of Salvador Perez’s Fantasy Value and His Abuelita. Now that Perez is on the DL with something that takes weeks or longer to return from, I’m free at last! I did something I should’ve done months ago, I dropped him for Castro. I only wish I could’ve caused that concussion from dropping him to waivers. Or hitting him over the head.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks in Metco. The Mess were a pushover at home as it was, now that David Wright’s out, sign me up for all guys going against them. The Stream-o-Nator concurs. This week Rockie starters Chatwood, Bettis and Chacin all sound promising in some leagues, especially Chacin. In fact, I’m already telling Siri to remind me tomorrow to pick up Chacin once I drop Martin Perez. “Grey, I will remind you to go chasing a martian president.” Thanks, Siri!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. This was his third homer this week and he was in Friday’s Buy column. No, I’m not failing to mention he is also barely hitting .200 in the last week. There, mentioned.
Carlos Beltran – Cardinals scored 15 runs and Beltran didn’t play. Holy sit! BTW, sure am glad the Dodgers bumped Greinke back so he couldn’t face the Cubs on Sunday and instead gets the Cards today. Thanks a lot, Mattingly! Your face looks good without a mustache too. Too bad your brains were in your mustache!
David Freese – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer with a modest five-day hitting streak. If he were immodest, it would be five days of streaking.
Jon Jay – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. The Federalist is hitting near-.350 in the last week. Four score and four days ago, I pointed out how Jay and Freese are both overdue for some hitting. I want both of them in all leagues until they stop hitting. Should be fun times to own Greinke today — FUN TIMES!
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. After every homer he hits, can’t he please do The Truffle Shuffle?
Tony Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he fills in for Yadier Molina. Not a whole lot to see here for fantasy. This was his 2nd homer in 277 major league plate appearances as he was hitting .246 with zero steals. Jeff Keppinger looks at those numbers and pfft’s. To misquote Bill Cosby, the stale air in your mouth tastes better than Tony Cruz.
Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks in Cincy. Had a huge early lead and went on to cruise to the iVictory Coast and stay at the free room at the W.
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. The Regression Fairies have seen Kathy Griffin in concert numerous times, they introduce their girlfriends as ‘girl pause friend’ and they crap all over your ratios.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Now we move from Leake to Wood just like your morning ritual goes. I nearly streamed Wood — ouch — because I know the Phillies aren’t good at all right now. I decided against it because I’m a blubbering idiot. Wood gets the Marlins next, which is obviously a yes, please and thank you.
Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Eovaldi is a streamer’s delight. Hey, that could be the advertising tag for his bottled water too.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, and my stream of Ubaldo vs. the MIA Marlins on Friday was garbage. I’m having the worst streaming luck this year. Well, enough about me. I would stream Kazmir again in his next start vs. The Suburb Forty Minutes South Of Los Angeles Angeles. Okay, that was about me too.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.95 ERA. After 6 weeks of me saying to pick him up, he’s finally almost up to 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which, of course, means he’s going to get pounded in his next start. It’s just how it works.
Yasiel Puig – Sat out Sunday with a wrist contusion that happened on a diving catch. I really hope he doesn’t have Lawrie Disease. LD is an affliction that causes players to hustle so much on defense that it ends up costing their offense.
Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game after jamming his shoulder. I’m not going to say that I told everyone to sell him. What’s the point of that? Plus, I just did remind everyone of it by saying I wasn’t going to do it. Han Swolo will have an MRI today to see if he can avoid the DL. Matt Kemp said, “A little shoulder injury never hurt anyone.” He then started beeping his horn with his head to get someone out of his handicapped spot.
Desmond Jennings – Sat out yesterday with a sprained finger. Jennings hopes to return on Tuesday. I hope so too, since I don’t have time for this day-to-day bullshizz. Look at Grey getting mad! The only way to get out my aggression is…a freestyle! My mustache is twitchy, for a healthy fantasy team I’m itchy, Randy says, “Yo, dawg, you’re pitchy.”
Taylor Jordan – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. My stream of Jordan looked fine until the fifth inning when Fernando Abad came in and gave up two inherited runs and blew it. Fernando’s Abad person.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s overdue by about a month if he’s going to keep that whole 2nd half hitter label. Not that I label players. I categorize them by their ability and their team’s socioeconomic background.
Aramis Ramirez – News reports say he’s poised for activation from the DL this week. Can’t wait to see him play 3rd base with a textbook balanced on his head.
Logan Schafer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th steal as he hit leadoff. Logan’s a fine taking off spot for a lineup. It’s just getting there again from the bottom of Bianchi, Gennett and the pitcher spot that is like Sorrow Drive.
Wil Myers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Where are we now with where he’s going to be drafted next year? Around 110?
Curtis Granderson – Combined for a 3-for-5 on Saturday and Sunday with a home run. His 25,000 or so previous major league at-bats pretty much show us who he is. Solid power, low average, maybe some steals. Of course, I’d own him if he were available.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. This might be his last game of the season with the suspensions supposed to be handed down today. After today, EverCab will probably be singing So Much for the Afterglow and less Heartspark Stealsign.
Will Venable – 2-for-3 and 2 steals. Here’s a guy that gets crazy hot for short periods of time, and now he’s hitting over .400 in the last week. Hitter-Tron also loves him this week as much as he loves animatronics.
Brad Peacock – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Before you start screaming his last name like an old man at a urinal who can’t go, this was a spot start.
Robbie Grossman – 2-for-5, 1 run. As my Last Will & Testament reads, “Being of sound mind and body, I, Grey Coolio Albright can’t recommend picking up Grossman,” so I can’t, but he’s hitting near-.500 in the last week.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and two steals. Fun Fact! If Yao Ming took all the steps Altuve used for those two steals, Ming could’ve walked from California to Arizona.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-3 and a home run. Since he was recalled, he has five hits in three games (12 ABs). Not a whole lot to go on yet, but this could be the start of something.
A.J. Burnett – 9 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.73 ERA. Now I know why Apricot Juice is the nectar of the fantasy gods.
Russell Martin – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s hitting over .300 in the last week with 3 steals in the last ten days. It’s no so crazy to pick up Martin.
Carlos Gonzalez – I bet you about a month ago CarGo would land on the DL prior to getting 27 homers. He’s now headed to the DL and at 26 homers. I feel like Ace Ventura after he shows up the police. I have exorcised the demon! (Oh, and I haven’t even started pointing out how terrible Josh Donaldson has been recently.)
Felix Doubront – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, 3.56 ERA. Sonavadidn’thavetheballstostart! I should’ve went with this schmohawk before stupid Taylor Jordan. You might remember Felix Doubront from a preseason sleeper post by yours truly. Or yours Trudy, as Rudy’s sister signs all her emails.
Stephen Drew – 2-for-3, 2 runs and is 9 for his last 18, which comes out to .500. Hey, look at the big brain on Grey! Drew could be a short-lived hot schmotato.
Cody Ross – 2-for-4, and hitting near .500 in the last week with two homers. He’s in the same boat as Jay and Freese, Ross has a lot of stats left in his bat to get. Jay Freese Ross is also what an incompetent forger signed on Jeffrey Ross’s checks.
Brandon McCarthy – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he returned from two months on the DL. With Kennedy gone to San Diego, McCarthy just couldn’t motivate himself to get anyone out.
Ernesto Frieri – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. The Sciosciapath should name Danny Farquhar closer too. Frieri looked like his usual hot mess, but De La Rosa relieved him and didn’t do much better. Due to a lack of options, I’d stash De La Rosa and hold Frieri (preferably on my bench). This will probably get worse before it gets better. Or until Arte Moreno gives Mariano Rivera $140 million to unretire.
Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Feels like he’s a little off from last year, right? Through August 4th last year, he had 19 homers. He has 18 now. Yup.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and 3 steals. After the game, the King of SAGNOF ordered Juan Pierre to make farting sounds with his hand under his armpit, because it helps the King unwind.
Steve Delabar – To the DL with shoulder inflammation after he was featured on HBO’s Real Sports program about his velocity. It’s the curse of HBO. Somewhere, Vince from Entourage is nodding his head.
Domonic Brown – Starting a rehab assignment on Monday and should be ready to return from his concussion by the middle of the week. Charlie Manuel said, “You need to have your faculties in order, otherwise you’re dressing scarecrows in your undergarments and you’re wearing straw skivvies.” After those comments, Manuel was sent for concussion tests, as well.