And the Tigerettes sang, “He was talked up as closer, but now he’s sent down… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon… Somebody told me he made Leyland frown… Da Bruce Rondon gone, da Bruce Rondon… Yeah, he sucked in spring… Yes, his stats would sting… But now my team’s saves are boned… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon…” As Randy Jackson would say, we got ourselves a pitchy competition, dawg! *sips from Pepsi cup, looks at Mariah for approval, fixes silver chain, sucks in gut under sweater that he’s wearing with no undershirt which makes it look really itchy, laughs at some Nicki Minaj nonsense, says to Seacrest, “I don’t know, we’ll have to see what America thinks” and smiles* So, Bruce Rondon was sent down and now the Tigers closer job is Hollywood Week. Auditions are down to Al Al’etc, Santa K, New Mexiclosero, Al Al, Coke Is It, Coke Is So 80’s Octavio Dotel Is It, Alquin Cokel, Octaquin BenCokel and Philquin Alburcoke. And that’s only four guys! Hang tight, guys and four girl readers, it’s a closerousel. Lots of possible outcomes here. All four guys could do well in a committee and Leyland utilizes it the whole year. Two guys do well and we get a portmanteau closer, let’s call it a SAGNOFtaur. Three guys could do well, let’s call that, The Three StoogeNOF. Another possibility: as we know from the past with Leyland’s ‘Set it and Forget It’ lineup card management, he likes to stick with one thing. So one guy takes the job by mid-April and holds it for the majority of the year. This is the best possibility for all involved. I think that’s also what happens. Leyland’s got cigarettes to smoke, he doesn’t have time to be walking to the mound to change pitchers! So who from Octavio Dotel, Al Alburquerque, Joaquin Benoit and Phil Coke does he go with? As the prude brothel’s sign announces, therein lies the rub. Al Al’etc is a monster for Ks, he’s my first option because he could provide solid value while the job is being decided. Then, I like Dotel. He reduced his walks last year and kept his Ks. He also has some closer experience. Next up: Joaquin Benoit. He was very successful last year in middle relief, but he can’t go on back-to-back days or stay healthy. Finally, Phil Coke. I wouldn’t grab him outside of AL-Only leagues. Big strike against him: he’s a lefty. In his favor: he closed games in the playoffs last year. It’s a shituation of epicloser proportions. Oh, and I wouldn’t grab more than one guy. I’d take a gamble on one guy, form a prayer rectangular and hope it works out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Johan Santana – No disrespect to our Al-Qaeda readers, but you must live in a cave if you didn’t hear Johan has another tear in his shoulder. The last time he had a shoulder tear it took him almost two years to recover, so this past summer may have been the last time we saw Johan go Jo-H.A.M. The Mets will be paying Johan $31 million this year to buy out his contract. When asked if he regretted the trade and contract, Omar Minaya said, “I bought the team a no-hitter!” For fantasy, this doesn’t affect any of you because I clearly told you not to draft him. Sandy Alderson said this won’t change Zack Wheeler’s timetable. The Mets will just have to go shorthanded with their pitching…and their hitting.
Logan Forsythe – Will be out for 6 weeks. Looks like Gyorko will stay at 3rd and the Padres will use a blahtoon at 2nd base. Too bad the Padres didn’t have the forward thinking to have capable back-ups. Some would call that *pinkie to mouth* Forsythe.
Nolan Arenado – Rockies sent him down to Triple-A. This gives them more time to play Trade Match Game with Chris Nelson Reilly. The Rockie fans are so unenthused by starting Nelson over Arenado…. How unenthused are they?! They would willingly drink a Coors-brewed beverage if it meant that Arenado would start the year.
Jonny Venters – Headed to see Dr. Freeze. Fredi Gonzalez is going to be escorting him. “This here isn’t a waiting room, it’s a bullpen of patients. Now give me 70 warm-up pitches!”
Mark Teixeira – I read this news report “Teixeira will visit doctors on Monday to have his wrist examined” and I thought of something. You think athletes use iCal or they just check Twitter and are like, “Crap, I got a doctor’s appointment today!”
Stephen Drew – Placed on the 7-day DL with a concussion. MLB puts guys with nagging injuries on the 15-day DL, then when someone gets a concussion they’re put on the 7-day DL. A concussion that usually takes people months to recover from. It’s like the more serious the injury, the shorter time period for the DL. A loved one dies, something that some people take years to recover from, and the MLB gives them three days off for bereavement. If a player lands on the 1-day DL, they’re dead.
Jackie Bradley – Sounds like it’s official that he’s gonna make the club. Here’s what I said earlier this offseason, “Due to Ortiz’s heels not, uh, healing, Gomes will move to DH with Bradley playing outfield. Between High and Double-A last year, Bradley had 9 homers and 24 steals. With only 271 ABs in Double-A, he could be overmatched in the majors once pitchers get a book on him. That book being, “We Can Strike Out Jackie Bradley.” Even if he breaks camp with the club, there’s no guarantee he sticks all year. If he were to get 500 ABs, you’re looking at a guy that could give a seven homer, 20 steal, .250 average year with superb defense, so if your league has a Web Gem category bump him up. To read more, Bradley also made Scott’s top 50 fantasy baseball prospects.” And that’s me quoting me!
Daniel Bard – Sent down to AA. Seems like a better place for Daniel Bukowski.
Aaron Cook – Signed a minor league deal with the Rockies. NL hitters will wait with bated breath for Aaron to serve up some cookies.
Miguel Olivo – Was released by the Reds and signed by the Marlins. It’s a homecoming of sorts for Olivo. Only the last time Olivo was on the Marlins they were the Florida Marlins and they didn’t have a center field sculpture that looks like the bathroom walls of a unicorn refugee camp.
Juan Rivera – Released by the Yankees. The Yankees are like the really active guy in your league who does a million adds/drops. You know, the chronic rosterbator. Hey, I could be the Yankees GM! This move clears space for Lightly Overbaked.
Rick Ankiel – Won the Astros starting right field job. He could’ve won the 5th starter job too. He’ll probably sit vs. tough lefties and not hit for much average even against righties. He’s strictly an AL-Only power play or for leagues that have a herbathrowdite slot in their lineups.
Brad Peacock – Our writer Diamond‘s favorite pitcher wins the coveted 4th spot in Houston’s rotation. He just edged out Mike Scott and an out-of-work astronaut. Best case for Peacock is most top 50 SPs worst case. His worst case looks like an old man struggling at the urinal, yelling Brad’s last name.