Michael Cuddyer to the DL with his hamstring injury. I love these Monday DL calls right after weekly fantasy lineups lock. Turr…iffic! You don’t care about our fantasy teams at all, Walt Weiss, do you? Last year it was Josh Rutledge, this year it’s Corey Dickerson. I wonder if he holds a secret grudge against fantasy baseball because it never rewarded his defensive prowess while he was playing. “Have you ever thought of adding fielding percentage to your fantasy league?” That was Walt Weiss disguised as a waiter at a Cheesecake Factory waiting on Dan Okrent’s table. Weiss then released bumblebees into Okrent’s suite at The Plaza while he read box scores in his robe. Walt is just bitter because the teacher he had a crush on never gave him the time of day. No, this isn’t the plot of Rushmore; the teacher was Carney Lansford. Ginger ’til he dies! So, with Cuddyer out, this could give Corey Dickerson a chance to show why he should be an everyday outfielder on all mixed league teams. Yesterday, Dickerson had the slam & legs and is capable of more. If you need a fifth outfielder, I’d give him a whirl. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homers. I wonder what Jimmy ‘The Greek” would say about Blackmon.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Get hot, you sumsabeech!
Clay Buchholz – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. In Boston Marathon terms, he made it to mile one when his nipples started bleeding and he had diarrhea trickling down his leg.
Bobby Abreu – Mets called him up. On his rotary phone? His flip phone? Oh, they called him up to play with the team! Oh, Mets, you are a silly, misguided, poorly-managed organization. The Mets should put on a staged adaption of Simple Jack. “I ain’t got a g-g-good brain.”
Jenrry Mejia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Was dealing with a blister coming into this game, was facing the Cards and…dah, sonavabench!
Kyle Farnsworth – 1 IP, 0 ER and got the save. Here’s what it’s like owning Farnsworth. Hey, here he comes! Cool, I’m going to turn to a different game now.
Dan Straily – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, 5.40 ERA on the year. If he didn’t lead the minor leagues in strikeouts once upon a time, I’m not even sure if anyone would know who he was or if anyone in any mixed leagues would own him.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and two steals, his fifth and sixth. He seems to miss every third day yet still gets his stats.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .314, but left early after turning his ankle. Not to poo-poo, Soo Choo, but he was crazy hot last April too-too.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks and his ERA is still at 1.61. Not a great sign when his WHIP (1.11) is so close to his ERA, but if anyone can pull it off, Yu can. Too bad this isn’t an audio book, that would’ve been downright life-affirming.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer as he bats .299. Imagine what he could do if Fredi Gonzalez wasn’t such a Matt Williams and put Simmons in the two hole and moved B.J. the hell out of there. Yes, I’m down on B.J. (no homo).
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Marlins. Nice to see the Ks reappear and the Marlins haven’t been a cakewalk in the early going, ranking in the top five in several offensive categories. Will Teheran’s ERA remain at 1.80. Prolly not, guys and four girl readers. Can he up his Ks and still be a number one. Yes, over-the-internet friends.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. I wish they would just send him to the DL already. Oh, and name only one pitcher to replace him. Not a committee, please! I have Carpenter and Walden in separate leagues, so I don’t care who they name.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and the game-winning homer, his 5th. Gattis is as cool as the other side of a discarded baked potato that he was using as a pillow!
Tom Koehler – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Move over, Eovaldi, I got a new Marlin pitcher heartthrob! Damn, Koehler looked good yesterday, and I don’t think it was purely due to the fact that four Braves hitters are on pace for 200 Ks and he struck out Teheran twice. Through six innings, Koehler looked better than Teheran. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I’d definitely consider him in mixed leagues.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5 and his 4th steal as he bats .338. He dedicated that steal to his grandfather who fought in Operation Desert Storm. Marlins may look tizzerrible at some point this year, but they really don’t right now.
Wandy Rodriguez – Hit the Disgraceful List. Appropriate since the man behind the Wandy Line, one of the most asinine arbitrary cut-offs in fantasy sports, Matthew Berry, also hit the Disgraceful List this year. Only his undoing was making too many terrible predictions.
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. How crazy does Dan Pants’s 40-homer prediction seem now?! Less pants-less? More panted? Shirtless with pants?
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Looked better than the line because the Pirates sent him back out for an 8th inning where he didn’t record an out, left two runners on for Justin Wilson to surrender. This just in, Wilson sucks! Jesus Guzman, why did Liriano even go back out there?! C’mon, I got a fantasy team dependent on you stunods!
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 and his 2nd homer. The Dread Pirate owes us three more homers before April’s out. Tally ho! Which is pirate for I’m tallying your homers.
Neil Walker – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. No, it won’t last, but, yes, I wish I owned him everywhere right now.
Devin Mesoraco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting .541. Okay, I’ll give you another week on my team. By the by, isn’t Devin the big-breasted girl from Real World: Brooklyn who has proved herself to be completely inept on The Challenge? Devin makes Aneesa look like an Olympic athlete (and not only if stripping is made an Olympic event). Oh, and I love how Dustin is like, “I can’t hook up on this show because I made a pact with my ex.” Then hooks up with two girls within 24 hours and doesn’t even mention that he feels bad. Classic.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. I don’t own him, but I got a bunch of comments about dropping him, so I assumed his roses were really smelling like poo-oo-ooo. He’s hitting third in a powerful lineup, good stadium and hitting .291.
Jason Giambi – 0-for-4 as he was activated by the Indians from the DL. The Yankees immediately sent out scouts to watch him.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, hitting .455. Things have hit rock bottom for the pockmarked guitarist-slash-third baseman-slash-catcher-slash-DH, Carlos Santana when Chisenhall is not only playing in front of him, but it makes sense.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Ever heard the story about how I tried to get people to draft Brantley and no one did? Real page turner! Maybe I’ll sell the rights to my novella, The Talented Mr. Brantley, to Anthony Mingella and then we’ll have discussions about casting and decide Matt Damon is too short and instead send offers to Bradley Cooper.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not having a terrible early season (3 SBs, .246), but not as good as you want it since he takes July thru September off.
Zach McAllister – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, year ERA at 2.28, and he’s been obscenely lucky so far. He does go to San Francisco next and the Stream-o-Nator has some unkind things to say about it, but I don’t hate it.
Clayton Kershaw – Will start a rehab assignment on Friday and is targeting a mid-May return. Or in Spanish, Kershaw queso en Mayo. Um, delicious!
Bronson Arroyo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Too bad he doesn’t play the guitar good enough for the blues.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks as he pitchslapped Arroyo. At a lesbian bar, A-Rod leans over and tells someone that he was the first one to do that to Brandon Arroyo.
Ryan Vogelsong – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Maybe him and Arroyo can do a duet.
Garrett Richards – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. On one hand, I dropped him prior to this start in the one league where I could because I don’t trust him, and four walks in six innings doesn’t give me much confidence. On the other hand, one hit shows the kind of stuff he can throw. On a third hand that is a cut-out box of Hamburger Helper pasted onto a suction cup and spring to make a really cheap waving hand car window sign, I’d gamble on Richards if I needed to take a risk.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. If you turn the station when Farnsworth comes into a game because you own him, when Frieri enters a game you smash a coconut across your head Roddy Piper-style and hope you wake up to good news.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting .209. He’s not a .209 hitter. He’s not even really a bad average hitter, so he has some going up to do. “He has some going up to do?” I speak good!
Tanner Roark – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Almost exact opposite of Richards’s stuff, but might have better outcomes. I.e., Roark isn’t that upsidey, but is safer.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. In 2006, before the economy collapsed, that would’ve been 12 homers. Thanks, Greenspan!
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Okay, so I bring some of these catcher questions on myself.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. So, what you’re telling me is The Adverb isn’t done?
Chris Sale – First it was announced that he would miss his Tuesday start with general soreness, then it turned out he was visited by Major Pain, and now he’s on the DL with a muscle strain. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing for Robin Ventura to send him out there for 127 pitches in his last start. Robin, pennants aren’t won in April, but they can be lost. Sale could miss a while.
Matt Lindstrom – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Okay, if you turn the station with Farnsworth and Rowdy smash a coconut across your noggin with Frieri, with Lindstrom you kick over a line-up of motorcycles at a bike bar while doing Tequila just to distract yourself.
John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA is at 2.84. Danks, but no Danks.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4 and his 4th steal as he was dropped to 7th in the order. Ah, remember when a two-hit, one steal game meant two runs? Those were the days! Don’t panic, this is merely a tool to motivate– OH, GOD, WHY?! Sorry, I panicked. *breathe in, breathe out, try to find meaning in life with Segura hitting 7th, jumps out first story window* I feel good, I was just cutting onions, that’s what these tears are. *sniffles* I need a nap. *shoots up in bed* Ah! I just had a dream Nick The Podcast Host was tweaking his own nipples. I’m tortured!
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he moved up to Segura’s spot. Just keepin’ the two-hole warm. That’s what she said! Huh?
Wily Peralta – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. The nearly one K per inning is a nice sign. Of course, this was against the Padres. Then again he gets the Cubs next. Wily, you’ve sold me on a replacement for the low man on my staff!
Scott Feldman – To the DL with biceps tendinitis. Feldman’s bubbie asked him, “Why aren’t you more like that nice Jewish boy with the sore thumb?”
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Ever think about how if his name was Dominquez it would look like an R&B singer? No, okay, maybe it’s me.
James Paxton – The Mariners announced that Paxton wouldn’t return for a while. When asked to clarify by moving their fingers closer or further apart, they opened their arms wide.
Brad Miller – 0-for-3 as he was dropped to ninth in the order. Ugh, there’s Nick tweaking his nipples again! Okay, I’m ready for your scorn, you can drop him now in most mixed leagues.