This was a fantasitical week for a couple of celebrity relationships. In a stunning development for people who grew up a long time ago and stopped reading comic books, we found out that Superman is going to boom-boom-boom, lemme hear you say way oh! Wonder Woman’s bathing suit areas. While on most weeks, the enticing nature of a supergasm would take the cake, I’m going to give the edge to Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne announcing their engagement. I am sure that this event was created through some kind of collective world osmosis, possibly via a linkage of our sub-conscious psi energy to provide ourselves an innumerable amount of internet meme’s and the doubling-down of Canadian themed jokes n’ disses’, eh. I’m trying to remember, but I haven’t seen a power used like this since that flying misanthrope with green hair would catwalk his red tights when called upon by 4 teenagers, which I’m going to assume are his kids. So that’s what happens when you scream out the classical four elements of the Earth? You get a dirty hippie liberal? Put on some pants! Those blue thighs are not natural. Oh, wait, I’m forgetting something. I think you need that effeminate kid to complete the process. He always talked about ‘heart’ because no one loved him, so he was most likely adopted. Joke’s on him! But back to the engagement of the century. This is like the total opposite of that one Nazi program to create the world’s best tennis player by pairing up Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. Instead, this experiment probably will just end up with Kroeger and Lavigne giving birth to a Now That’s Music! CD or a demon spawn that will fight Jaden Smith and John Cusack during the end of days.
You know who else had a huge week? I’ll give you a guess, it wasn’t Ruben Alou’s doppelganger, Moises Sierra, that’s for sure. I’m not quite fully aware of what’s going on around these parts. Take, for example, the week Jon Jay put together after expiring as a creeper, going 9 for 22 with 2 RBI’s and 2 SB’s. Yeah, well, as a pitiful attempt to shake some of the blame, I will note that Sunday’s TOR vs BAL game was rained out. So we’ll never know what Sierra might have accomplished. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that it was a 4-for-4 night with 2 HR’s and 4 RBI’s. I’m not sure why the Fantasy Baseball Gods want to smite me so. After all, I was the first guy to ever Trevor Plouffe all over you. I was the one who told you a guy named John Jaso actually existed and might be worth a lil’ somethin’ somethin’. We had some good times, right? Maybe it’s because I referred to the soylent green ape killer as a dirty hobo wizard? Does God not like that? Hey, I’m not the one who made a movie, when watched backwards, tells the story of Moses finding a whole bunch of free Jews in the desert, then takes them to Egypt, seals them behind a wall of water, and then makes them slaves. Just FYI, I actually prefer watching The Shawshank Redemption backwards. It becomes a story about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a jail to hang out with Morgan Freeman for 30 years. It’s a dream of mine… one of many.
So, the moral of the story is, besides wanting to be oh so close to Morgan Freeman, if you fail, eat some Cheetos, drink some Fanta Grape and zone to HGTV. Oh, and I guess if you feel like it the day after, try-try again. So I’m going to shake things up. For this week’s post, I’m not going to waste any time researching players and stats to support my creeper theory. I’m just going drink a bunch of Jack Daniel’s and sorta pin the tail on the donkey. And by that, I mean to try to find a democratic woman of the night. And then I will think of a process to randomly select a name and anoint him your creeper of the week… Since you are reading this now, you have no idea how much time has passed on my side. You missed out on quite the night. I woke up today with a black eye… on my anus. But good news, I also have temporary tattoo of President Obama’s face on my inner left thigh and James Loney written on my forehead with purple lipstick, so there are the results from my new process. From the way I look and feel, I might need a new process.
As you’ve probably heard, Loney was part of that 72-player blockbuster between the Red Sox and Dodgers. Loney put up a ‘doesn’t help, doesn’t hurt’ type of performance in 2011, with a 288/339/416 triple slash. While most of his little value comes in the form of OBP leagues, he still has managed to become even more irrelevant in 2012, hitting a paltry 254/302/344. So why am I suggesting him? Because I have a bruise on my butt and that has to be worth something. If you want a reason more grounded in something serious, go with the cliché thing where a trade lights a players rear area on fire. Yes, the rear area is going to continue to be a constant theme in all my works.
For this week’s scoring period, the Boston Red Sox and James Loney will be facing the Royals once, and then the Angels of Los Anaheim, finishing the week off against the very nimble and athletic, err, Athletics. I was in trouble two words in. Luke Hochevar is first up on Monday, bringing with him his usual mid-4 FIP and 6ish K/9. However, he does have a propensity to get lit up, giving up 7 ER in 5 IP two weeks ago against the Orioles and 6 ER in 3 IP a couple weeks before that against the Angels. Next up is the righty, Jered Weaver. While not having as dominant a season as last year, Weaver is still bringing darn good peripherals, sustaining a 3.53 FIP and career norm rate stats. Scheduled to go against C.J. Wilson next, the lefty is having a more extreme stat variation from last year than his previously mentioned counterpart. A lower K/9 of 7.72, down from 2011′s 8.30, and an increase in his BB/9 from 2.98 in 2011 to 3.94 so far in 2012, has fueled a FIP increase of 3.24 to 3.91. Zach Greinke takes the hill Thursday. What might bode well for the BoSox is that Greinke, since coming over from the Brewers, has pitched 39.2 innings and given up 23 earned runs. Yucky. Walking arm injury time bomb Brandon McCarthy pitches on TGIF. While having a shaky start against the Twins 6 days ago (3.0 IP, 6 ER), he’s been somewhat stable since coming off his 300th DL stint, going 17.2 innings while allowing only 7 ER’s in his other three starts. The reclamation of Brett Anderson appears to have begun, going 7.0 innings and only allowing 4 H and 1 ER in his first major league start back from Tommy John surgery. However, I’m not quite buying in yet and foresee a shellacking during this game. Don’t ask me why, as you can tell if you’ve read this far, I’m winging it all. Tommy Milone, while not officially listed yet, will most likely finish off the 23rd scoring period. And since he’s pitching in his home park, we’ll most likely see something along the lines of what a Clayton Kershaw start looks like. (H: 2.78 FIP, 0.32 HR/9.) As opposed to if he were pitching on the road, where he turns into a Wolf… that is very, very Randy? Randy Wolf! You gotta keep up buddy. (A: 5.50 FIP, 2.23 HR/9.)
I mean, just as an aside, how hard is it to figure out such a drastic split and just arrange the schedule so Milone only pitches in the Coliseum? I mean, Bob Melvin doesn’t even have to look it up. I’m pretty freaking sure he has watched every A’s game, and unless he has lost consciousness at some point, he’s seen the split action himself. You know, what I should do is take a laptop with Tommy Milone’s profile page on Baseball-Reference, showing the H/R split, and just throw it at Melvin’s clavicle while screaming “I’m all heart mutha–!” Captain Planet tie-in! Hazaa! That should be the sequel to Moneyball btw. Me just throwing stuff at Bob Melvin and yelling quotes from Jerry Maguire, and that heart kid can continue the search for his parents, that don’t even love him. They call that pre-production right there baby.
Moneyball 2: More Money’s, More Ball’s.
That’s it yo. James Loney is your creeper because I said so. And he’ll be awesome, because, you guessed it… my butt hurts. I’ve been digressing, so let’s call it a day. I’m out my peoples. But you did have me at hello.