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Not sure if you heard, but last week on Labor Day, some bored Casino in the Twin Cities spent half-a-day cooking a 1000 pound hamburger.

Guinness Records representative Philip Robertson verified the record for biggest burger. He called the feat a result of “remarkable teamwork” and said the burger “actually tastes really good.” Black Bear’s burger included 60 pounds of bacon, 50 pounds of lettuce, 50 pounds of sliced onions, 40 pounds of pickles and 40 pounds of cheese.

“HAHAHA! That’s awesome!” said all the starving people of the world. Cure cancer? Naw. Fix a broken government? Yawn. Create a mega-burger that needs a crane to flip it? Hell yes! That’s the America I know and love. If it can’t blow something up or fit in my mouth, I ain’t even interested.

So, I would love nothing more than to ignore the week David DeJesus had, but since I’m such a good masochist, I’ll just have to bring some leather and give you nothing but chuckles. Tabbed to be super creepy, it just didn’t happen. Even though there was sign of life on Saturday with 2 hits, 1 RBI and a SB, he finished the week 2 for 18. If you’re counting at home, that’s 2 more hits than my grandmother could have hit. And she’s dead. But, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Straight into my mouth, hopefully. But we’ll keep on plugging along, and though there have been a few more failures than successes, we must continue this creepy journey for three more weeks. Let’s make the best of it. Or the worst of it. I don’t care, I’m too busy trying to figure out why this leather-suit has 2 more holes than I have arms and legs…

Traded to the Athletics in August, Stephen Drew was acquired to marginally improve a team that might only need marginal improvement to grab a wild-card. Did you just think of margarine butter? Then did you think about ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter‘? Then did you think about Fabio and his long blonde hair and eye-brows chiseled by God and a digital level? Good, because I didn’t either. In his last 55 games for both the D’backs and A’s, he hasn’t looked any better than Cliff Pennington, but you could make the argument that there is a higher ceiling in giving him full SS duties for the rest of the season. Haha, doodies.

While you could assume that his struggles derive from the time spent on the DL from an ankle injury, I should note that his K% has risen in the last four years, 14.6% in 2009, 17.1% in 2010, 20.9% in 2011, and in limited time, 21.0% in 2012. Also, July of last year when Drew broke his ankle, he had a triple slash of 170/188/255 before hitting the DL. So that’s the bad news. Is there any good news? I have really sensual calves. Also, there are some encouraging signs that offense might be a coming. His current BABIP sits at .257, and is below his career norm of .305, and his LD% is sitting at 29.3%, so there is some regression due. While its a profoundly small sample size, for the month of September, he’s put up a 333/368/556 in 18 AB’s. Could this be the week he lets loose in a very creepy manner? Your children better hope not.

For the 25th week of scoring, the A’s will face off against division rivals, the Los Anaheim Angels, and then spend the weekend in Oakland with the OriolesDan Haren starts things off with his spectacularly bad follow-up to what was a great 2011. Instead of a 2.98 FIP, he’s going around the AL with a 4.22 FIP. Not cool man, not cool. The increased BB/9 (1.25 to 2.20) and HR/9 (0.76 to 1.34) from 2011 are the main culprits. While his last start of 6.0 IP and 1 ER with 7 K’s was stable, in his 3 starts before, Haren allowed 20 hits in just 16 innings. Next up is the righty, Jered Weaver. While not having as dominant a season as last year, Weaver is still bringing some good peripherals, sustaining a 3.75 FIP and career norm rate stats with 16 wins. Ervin Santana has put up a pretty sick year. And by that, I don’t mean awesome-cool bro, no, I mean Ebola. His 5.60 FIP and 5.21 ERA tell the tale, and even though he’s had an acceptable month so far, some damage could be done. Scheduled to go against C.J. Wilson next, the lefty has a lower K/9 of 7.60, down from 2011’s 8.30, and an increased BB/9 from 2.98 in 2011 to 3.90 so far in 2012, fueling a FIP increase of 3.24 to 3.94. Bringing the TGIF goodness, Joe Saunders will bring what Joe Saunders is known for, and his last two starts perfectly exemplify his Saunder-ness. Against the White Sox, he gave up 6 ER and 10 hits in 5.1 IP. In his next start at Toronto, he gave up 0 ER and 3 hits in 6.1 IP. So I guess in this case, he’s a box of chocolates. But with just two chocolates. One with a cherry inside, and the other with poop. Choose wisely! Zach Britton has been bringing it lately, upping his K/9 from 5.66 pre-injury in 2011 to 7.96 so far in 9 starts. His FIP of 3.98 is good, but he is still having some walk issues, with a career high 3.98 BB/9, which could bite him. Case in point, his last start just yesterday, he walked 5 in just 3.1 innings, with 5 ER allowed. Miguel Gonzalez should round out the 25th scoring week on Sunday. Doing a fairly good job so far in his first taste of the Majors, Gonzalez already has 6 wins and a 3.62 ERA in 79.2 innings of work. But regression is soon to come, as his deflated BABIP of .269 and inflated LOB% of 81.1 has lead to 4.52 FIP.

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  1. Chris says:

    I can’t tell you how often, while watching the creations of enormous foods – 200-foot diameter pizzas, 142-foot long heroes, 8-story tacos, 1000-pound burgers – I thought to myself, “man, if only these guys had the right focus, the right perspective, then, you know, these f**kers could cure cancer! I mean, LOOK at that pizza/hero/taco/burger! That’s a gaddammed waste of talent.”

    (My local hot dog guy invented the iPad).

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:

      @Chris, I hear ya. Maybe give them cancer?

      • Chris says:


        Yeah, sorry Jay – I was just being what my grandmother would call a “wisenheimer.”

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:

          @Chris, Continue!

  2. YoMommaSoUggla says:

    Kemp, Trumbo or Crisp for a H2H weekly lock with 5 OF…….yes I’m serious.

    I have in my OF


    • Jay

      jaywrong says:

      @YoMommaSoUggla, Kemp has inflammation… Trumbo and Crisp haven’t been lighting it up either… but your speed looks okay, I’d gamble on Trumbo for a hot streak.

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