Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.
Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness. Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter. Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again. So you bench him and he turns in another gem. Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy. Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again. You bench him and he’s great. You start him and he’s awful. You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex. By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him. Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym. I never want to see him on my team again.
Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity. Then he said Capps is still the closer. I think he just wanted to see some double takes.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo. This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June. Nice to see you return, Bruce.
Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12. The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007). They should adopt Hafner. Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.
Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.” He says he’ll return Thursday.
Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back. I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Aunt Bee would be proud.
Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf. He should return on Friday. Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.
Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR. At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences. I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent. Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76. See, he’s consistent! /sarcasm
Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday. Ready to have your mind blown? He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals. Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR. It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall. Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!
Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game. Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.
Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start. Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI. Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year. Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency. Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year. I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out. Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.
Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners. He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup. That’s far from so-so, Moscoso! Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier. But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx. Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal. But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!
Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer. Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats? Or ball shrinking needles?
Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer. I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks. My man Pena is hungry!
Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal. 13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors. He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls. If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.
Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora. Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.
Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion. Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26. It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.
Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball. When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.” What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?