It’s deja vu all over again. It was almost a year ago that Tim Lincecum threw a no hitter vs. the Padres. Only thing better would be if they both came on 4/20. After the game, Lincecum said, “I felt unstoppable the whole game. Even if something was hit, I felt like there was a giant baseball mitt in the outfield,” then seeing the giant baseball mitt sculpture in AT&T Park’s outfield, Lincecum slowly looked around to see if anyone else saw what he did, then said, “Dude,” five or six times, then refused to answer any more questions. The Padres are a team that could be no-hit any time they step on the field, so, in some ways, they fulfilled their destiny yesterday. What’s the difference between the Padres bats and Tony Gwynn? I remember when Tony Gwynn was alive. “Dude, seriously, do you see that giant mitt?” Yes, Lincecum, leave us alone. In the game following Lincecum’s no-hitter last year, he threw three and two-thirds innings and gave up eight runs, so, while this was a nice game, I wouldn’t go thinking Lincecum is suddenly the pitcher he was in his Cy Young years. A paranoid Lincecum runs by, “There’s a giant mitt out there!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs. He had infinitely as many hits as the whole Padres team! That’s gotta be some kind of record. Where’s Tim Kurkjian when you need him? Oh, he’s busy talking to dolphins.
Pete Kozma – Cards designated him for assignment. Since I believe my 8th grade science teacher’s name was Mr. Kozma, it’s about time someone gave a Kozma an assignment!
Kolten Wong – His MRI came back clean; there’s just some bruising in his rotator cuff area. He might’ve just took a…Wong turn! *drops mic* Ow, my toe!
Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 5 ER. Now that the Cardinals have thrown their number one draft pick from last year in Coors for his first major league start, maybe they can boost his confidence some more by offering him up to throw in the Home Run Derby.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (2). He’s Ufeign Bolt! Ate-Too-Much-Grain Bolt? Don’t-You-Refrain-From-Seconds Bolt? He needs a studied tattoo artist to do some proper fat-looking lightning bolts. And how about his third homer in the last three games? He’s chewing up Coors and spitting it out! Then smearing it on a piece of Melba toast and eating it again. What? It’s hard to get foie gras anymore.
Yohan Flande – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Elsewhere, Yohan Pino pitched terribly. C’mon, it’s obvious what’s going on, isn’t it? Prospects in Latin America are changing their name to a variation of Johan because they want to be memorable to American scouts. Next thing you know, a Yohan Benson is going to show up with Aña Benson by his side.
Justin Masterson – Will miss his next start with a sore knee. Is that what they’re calling crap pitching nowadays? A sore knee? Okay.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. When he hits a home run, the sound I hear is muah.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. I’ve had Mesoraco, Montero, Norris, Ramos and Gomes as a catcher this year and yesterday might be the first homer I’ve had on my team. Really have to stop picking my catcher scab.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.09. You don’t have to pretend to enjoy Red Bull and glow sticks to get down with this Kluber!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s Yoga Fire from Street Fighter, wearing nothing but a dashiki and a badass case of halitosis only the fire is coming from his bat. You look at your favorite manga and J.D.’s a seemingly sweet looking pig-tailed girl with nunchuks instead of a bat and he’s smacking everything 375 feet the other way. If you’re letting Martinez sit on your waivers, he’s going to nunchuk you.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Okay, when is a random journalist going to accuse him of PEDs? Come on, we know it’s coming.
Carlos Pena – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. This is more shocking than a home run by Dee Gordon or Ben Revere. I really figured Pena was done. Like ‘why isn’t he playing with Meatloaf in a celebrity softball league’ done. Still he’s just an AL-Only league grab at this point, but I’m like a cyclops with a monocle on him. I need power, yo!
Erasmo Ramirez – Optioned to Triple-A! Shoot, I prematurely exclamation marked. I mean, Taijuan Walker is going to come up! Probably! Mariners haven’t said anything, but the writing’s on the wall for Taijuan to finally join the rotation on Monday. I’ve never said finally and meant it so much. Damn, that took forever.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 4 IP, 5 ER. Harrumph, my dashi is cold and my noodles are limp.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer. You better hope he gets cold or I’m never going to stop talking about how people wanted to drop him.
Brad Miller – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Now has four homers in June and is hitting .311, which is a whole lot better than the band 311 or what Miller had done the previous two months. The dream is still alive!
Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he returned from the DL. Well, he looked better than before he hit the DL, but still not great, and nowhere as good as in day games. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, sun tan lotion.
Shane Victorino – Shut down with back soreness. Oh, quit your cryin’ Hawaiian!
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Another day, another multi-hit game. Ho-hum. Ah, that reminds me of before I was married.
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. With Victorino being treated for ‘old,’ Nava has been playing every day. Okay, until yesterday he hadn’t been hitting that well, but he is capable and surely available in your league and don’t call me Shirley.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Wow, I thought he retired. Nice of you to join us again, Arcia.
Danny Santana – Left yesterday’s game with knee soreness. Fun fact! Little Adolf Hitler of St. Petersburg, Florida has née soreness.
Garrett Richards – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, and his ERA is at 2.76. So, you’re saying he was the young Angel to draft instead of Skaggs? Got ya, loud and clear. Thanks, voice in my head!
Erick Aybar – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. He has 39 RBIs on the year. That’s only six less RBIs than Tulo and only seven less than the top shortstop for RBIs, Hanley. Seriously.
Brad Mills – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. How’s your middle infielder sleeper doing? Well, mine is pitching with a lackluster pseudonym! The A’s have turned garbage into gold (and green) before with their pickups, but Mills is a journeyman with an 86 MPH fastball.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .259 on the year. Moss has actually cut his Ks a decent amount this year and upped his walks. He feels like a guy that gets underrated pretty regularly and I wouldn’t be surprised if you could buy him on the low.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s been hitting the snooze button all year. Gets hot — buzzer — snooze, and repeat. Hopefully this is the start of something cause I actually own this schmohawk. Crisp, I love your fro, now show me something!
Zack Wheeler – 2 IP, 6 ER. So, how did that pick up of Wheeler go? As I said his last time out (after a complete game shutout), I have no idea what to make of Wheeler. That’s not a resounding recommendation. Yesterday showed why I don’t trust him.
Krispie Young – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his third homer in the last two days. He gets crazy cold, but also the opposite of that, i.e., here’s one Krispie hot schmotato extra Cholula!
Lucas Duda – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. Look at the Mets swinging hot bats! Duda is up there with some of the hottest bats in the past two weeks — well, he’s no J.D. Martinez. Of course, Terry Collins is trying to get fired, so he didn’t have Duda starting, but he showed you can’t keep a good Duda down, except maybe with a plunger.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s hard to be mad at anyone after that start, but I’m gonna try. Really, Fredi Gonzalez, Wood needed to be in middle relief for a month?! Why not put one of the worst hitters in baseball as your leadoff man next? Oh, scratch that, you already do!
Freddie Freeman – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the elbow by a pitch from Darin Downs, who is also the name of someone that is a friend of yours on Facebook that you swear you don’t know at all. Freeman looked like he would be okay. Maybe Fredi will try to fix Freeman’s elbow by having him pitch middle relief.
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. I keep looking at McHugh’s player page (by clicking on his name) and keep seeing stellar results. It doesn’t make logical sense for a guy to come out of nowhere like this, but his peripherals continue to be a thing of beauty. The only real sign I can see portending his greatness was the Mets gave up on him.
Jose Reyes – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (16). This could be confirmation bias, but it seems like whenever Reyes gets hot, his team gets cold. No indictment of Reyes being a team player or not. Sure, at any point, if he’s batting .300, he will shut himself down for the season but never the hoo!
Anthony Gose – 0-for-4 and his 5th steal. No hits and a steal always gets me excited. The power of SAGNOF!
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. A wrist injury is about four homers away. Give or take one.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th steal. Damn, Frazier’s being downright Goldschmidtian this year. Goldschmidt-like? 18Karatschmidt?
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and Dallas Latos had to only beat off seven haters. Usually she beats off twice that many.
Adam Eaton – 4-for-5, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. Now has a twelve game hitting streak, and has only three games all month without a hit. There’s bad news though — why’s there always gotta be bad news?! — he has no homers, only two steals and is barely hitting .300 for the month. Geez, with bad news like that who wants good news?
Nick Markakis – 4-for-6, 1 run. This stupid Owl level! Sorry, Markakis bored me so I started playing Candy Crush. Candy Crush is like heroin without the stringy-haired people eating all my snacks and accidentally drowning in my tub.
James Shields – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 3.79. Yikes, when did shizz get so gnarly for Shields? This is funny to only me, but when I saw his ERA had ballooned up so high, the first thing I did was to look to see if he was hit hard on Fridays, when I’m not doing the roundups. Sure enough, two of his last drubbings came on Fridays. The good news, his next start comes on a Tuesday. The bad news is his K-rate has nearly fell into the 6’s. The moderate news is his velocity looks okay. The okie-dokie news is he gets the Twins next time out. The ‘boil this down into one word for me’ news is meh.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (7) as he hit leadoff in Aoki’s absence. Fantasy owners would be good to take notes from the Royals lead and do the opposite. They went out this past offseason and got Aoki, when they would’ve been fine with someone on their team hitting leadoff. Shows you sometimes the best fantasy trades are the ones you don’t make. Like when I offered half my team to Nick, our TV on the Radio host, for Prince Fielder. Thanks for entertaining the tens of people watching but not entertaining the offer!
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The Court Jester of SAGNOF has no power to speak of. He probably hit yesterday’s home run from 2nd base, but he does have a ton of speed and is playing a lot with Aoki out.
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 40th steal, hitting .285. So, he was the middle infielder in the preseason to get all hot-sexy-pump-pump over.
Juan Uribe – Will be activated on Thursday. His wild swings and misses should be a nice cooling effect in the summer months.
Aaron Hicks – Returned from the DL and the Twins optioned him to Double-A, which is in New Britain, where they speak the new cockney. Around there they’re called birds not b*tches.
David Price – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. I just went over last week why you should buy Price for the right, uh, well, cost, yes, cost! After the game, it was announced the Angels are interested in Price. You don’t say? Really? The media should just say everyone is interested in Price and be done with it.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .247 on the year. Was hitting .095 in the week headed into yesterday’s game, but that’s just the tip of the infant’s penis for ‘Brist, since he hasn’t been good all year.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and has two hits in five of his last 6 games. You know you’re not going to get any power or speed or counting stats or– Okay, he’s hitting for average.
Starling Marte – Passed all concussion tests. The tests went like this, “Which team do you play for? Okay, and do they wear eye patches and say ‘Argh?'” Hmm, I might have a concussion because I don’t even know the answer to the 2nd question.
Wandy Rodriguez – Having season-ending surgery on his knee. Matthew Berry is getting out of fantasy at just the right time. There’s no way of knowing how to rate pitchers anymore without Wandy!
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Brucely, I think Morton had a better game than Price. Or at least more noteworthy, since we don’t expect it from Morton. But, as said yesterday, and I say again on the reiterate tip, anyone vs. the Rays is worth at least considering.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.70. Bad day to quit huffing glue. Worse day to own Strasburg. Pitching is deep, but hella wonky. Some random names that are in the top 20 starters on the Player Rater: Jason Hammel, Kyle Lohse, Alfredo Simon, Mark Buehrle, Dallas Keuchel and Garrett Richards.
Marco Estrada – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.06. For those hoping Fiers would replace Estrada in the rotation, with this game, Estrada said, “You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers!” As for Jimmy Nelson, well, even Estrada would like to see what he could do.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. Doesn’t he sound like a jobber from the WWE? Like he would’ve been tag team partners with Steve Lombardi. It’s the Brooklyn Brawler and his sidekick, Scooter Gennett! Then a bully heel would lock Scooter up with a bike chain to a ring post and laugh maniacally. Whoa, I’ve thought about that way too long. Nice game for Scooter, hopefully Roenicke lets out his retractable leash for which pitchers he can face.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s on pace for 30 homers, and that’s with an ugly April. Thank you, come again! Ew, I wasn’t speaking literally.
Henderson Alvarez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.32. Hmm, I streamed him about five times in the last seven games, but I just forgot to pick him up, or maybe someone else grabbed him. Is it crazy that someone with a 2.32 ERA is a streamer? Yeah, kinda. But that’s how you have to roll in shallower leagues, and the RCL is a shallow pitching league. Oh, and the NL East is serious lacking in offenses. Nine out of ten in-division matchups are great and there’s only five teams! Speaking of which, Alvarez gets another solid next matchup vs. the Phils at home, according to the Stream-o-Nator. Finally, I win the title for the most written about Henderson Alvarez ever. What do I get for my win? A yawn.
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Apricot Juice gets the Marlins again next time, and it’s another solid matchup. Apropos of nothing, the Phils pitching box score read yesterday Burnett, Bastardo, De Fratus, which is Latin for “I gave your mother the clap during a beer pong game.”