It’s always fun when a player is traded from one team to another and doesn’t gain or lose any value whatsoever. Can’t wait for Moneyball: The Movie. After the last image of Billy Beane patting Scott Hatteberg on the butt, the screen fades. Over black, we read: After three straight sub-.500 years, Billy Beane, still finding value where no one else is, traded for Conor Jackson, who failed to impress anyone ever but had a career .358 On Base Percentage. (I imagine Hollywood would spell out OBP.) Not one dry eye in the entire theater. Of course, the only ones in the theater are A’s fans, nevertheless! Pursue Jackson timidly in AL-Only leagues. Meanwhile, Gerardo Parra will take over for CoJo. This Parra doesn’t walk people, he runs. Unfortunately, he hasn’t run enough to make him that interesting in mixed leagues. Parra’s upside is 7 homers, 15 steals. He shouldn’t be a liability on average. Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he can be grabbed in NL-Only leagues. In most mixed leagues, I think there’s gotta be someone more suave than Gerardo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Heilman – Will officially take over for Qualls. Every since Qualls had kneecap n’ crunch last year, he hasn’t seemed right. Hinch says he’ll let Qualls work in non-pressure situations so he can regain the closer role down the road. So in leagues where you were hoping to lose him, Qualls once again provides no relief. Pun point!
Chris Resop – Braves called up Resop because they had no choice due to an out-clause in his contract. Resop dominated Triple-A to the tune of 1.84 ERA and 81 Ks in 73 1/3 innings. Right now, he’s nothing more than a middle reliever that gave up 5 earned runs in 2 innings yesterday.
Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 with his 4th homer. Word is that he’s retiring after this year. Hopefully he’s not put in charge of the kids’ carpool. Young lady, don’t for a second think I’m going to believe you were late to school because your father pulled a hammy pouring orange juice.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 and batting near .400 in the last week. He provides light power and speed, so even a warm Melky will put you to sleep outside of deep leagues.
Chad Billingsley – Placed on the DL with a strained groin. I blame Alyssa Milano.
Manny Ramirez – Now 6 for his last 8 with 2 homers in his last five games. This reminds me of what Carlos Lee did recently. I don’t think Manny’s completely done. He will get to 25 homers, so now’s as good a time as any.
Matt Lindstrom – Dealing again with back issues from men’s fitness. Lyon’s the pickup in the mean’s while. BTW, I wrote the last sentence in a British accent. Ta!
Justin Masterson - 7 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks. It’s of little consolation, but Jason Donald should’ve been charged with 4 of his runs. If you can’t hit, at least try and field. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many infield hits in one game. Wright had an infield single that scored two runners. I watched it and I’m not even sure how it’s possible.
Travis Hafner – Usually the only reason to own Hafner is to use his head to crack open walnuts, but he has 4 homers in his last 6 games.
Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer. Leyland is so gooftarded that he hit Raburn leadoff. A guy with a .242 OBP and a .165 average. Why did he do this? Because Raburn was playing centerfield for Austin Jackson, who usually hits leadoff. Somebody please give Leyland some Liquid Paper so he can change around his lineup card.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. The line looks okay, but I watched the game and he was pretty touch and go like your Uncle who has to register when he moves.
Mark Teixeira – He hit a pop-up that went out for a homer. The Sphinx sitting in front of Yankee Stadium asks, how is Teixeira hitting .229 with only 10 homers in that park?
Milton Bradley – Hit his 3rd homer in his last 5 games. I’d grab him in leagues where you need a hot outfielder. BTW, Milton’s name was the 666th word of this post. Red rum!
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. After giving up 6 runs in the first two innings, he battled back to make the line look less hideous. Though the aim of “less hideous” probably wasn’t your goal when owning Ervin. Or to be time appropriate, goooooooal.
Jeff Suppan – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Suppan would’ve pitched the 5th but Dave Duncan, using all his powers for a respectable 4 innings, self-combusted.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Colby tells me where I can shove my HR/FB%.
C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks. You may be wondering how someone can walk that many in a 6 inning game and only give up 2 earned. Easy. It was an interleague game in an NL park.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks offah Yawkey. You shouldn’t have started him here anyway.
Pedro Alvarez – Latest news that I’ve heard is he’s starting today. If you know better, get smug.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 with 3 steals. I love winning steals in H2H on the first full day of games. That is all.
Matt Tolbert – Hit a home run. And that’s The Tolbert Report.
Delmon Young – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and a RBI. Just pick him up and see where it takes you.
Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 and a home run. Steve Stone demanded Colvin get more time, Piniella pretended like it was his idea and Colvin’s responding.
David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday even with Simon back. After watching Hernandez hit 96 MPH, I kinda think the O’s should just stay with him. He has more closery stuff, but he is wild as any turkey ever was. I’d continue to hold both Hernandez and Simon until someone emerges.
Brian Roberts – Out for another 6 weeks. Maybe he’s trying to save up his energy for his run at 2011′s Comeback Player honors. Even after 6 weeks, he still has to go to the minors to rehab, which is a chance to reinjure himself. Then if he does play for the O’s, he’s not going to be stealing like he would. If you got a mediocre 30 games from him this year, I’d be impressed.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with a homer and hitting .342 over his last ten games. It’s not Player of the Month-type gas, but at least he’s cooking with something.
Joe Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Can’t believe the Giants chose Joe Martinez instead of Bumgarner. Shouldn’t he be Jose Martinez? Or Joe Martin?
Felipe Paulino – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks and 6 fantasy owner’s teeth that he kicked in.
Todd Helton – I saw the box score and it read Helton (2, 6th inning blah blah blah) and I was like, “Wow, Helton hit two homers,” then I realized I read it wrong and he only has 2 homers on the year. Maybe Helton and Chipper can alternate carpool days. BTW, I have a new feature that I want implemented into all box scores. In-game box scores should have a little symbol that indicates who is in line for the Win. Can be an asterisk, I don’t care. But when it’s a 5-4 game in the 8th and both starters are out, I want to know who’s in line for the Win. I don’t know how we get this implemented. But I want it now!
Clay Buchholz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Whoa, I’m having a vision of the future. I’m seeing Buchholz win 18 games to lead the AL, finish in the top 3 in the Cy Young voting and become overrated for next season. Oh, and in the future Ashton Kutcher does a movie with a talking rooster that is voiced by Brad Garrett. It’s called Dumb Cock.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks and has a 1.86 ERA on the year. As his brother Gosh says, “Golly.”