I’d say Alex Cobb was fantastic again last night, but I have to pay David Stern a nickel to use the word fantastic and money is tight, yo. If it wasn’t for the ball off his melon, The Tampa Bay Peach would’ve been a top 15 starter this year. I’m currently debating if Cobb is going to be in my top 15 for 2014 fantasy baseball. (What I mean by debating is I have three monkeys stand against a wall with signs that read, “Yay,” “Nay” and “Let Rudy decide.” Ling Ling, put down the sign until I ask the question. Ling Ling! Hard to find a well-trained monkey nowadays. His K-rate wasn’t otherworldly like I prefer my beefcake starters. It ended the year at 8.41 K/9. That is ace-ish, but not straight aces rollin’ through Compton flashing signs. His walk rate was 2.83. Again, it’s solid, I’d like to see better on that. Now his ERA ended up being 2.76, but his xFIP was 3.02. That’s not shabby at all. That’s right around Jose Fernandez, Chris Sale and Anibal Sanchez. Guys with seasons you would hump if a ‘season’ wasn’t an amorphous thing. For 2014, I think Cobb’s gonna be right around 15-20 overall for starters, which does mean Cobb is ready to emerge from the husk. Zadow! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Delmon Young – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Pretty suspicious he hits a homer in New York. Was he swinging for the fences, hoping the ball would hit a Jew?
James Loney – 3-for-3, 1 run and 6-for-7 in his last two games. My hot schmotato has a first name, it’s J-A-M-E-S. My hot schmotato has a 2nd name, it’s L-O-N-E-Y. Put them together and you also get a sleeper our fantasy football guy, Sky, liked. Wow, that didn’t rhyme at all. Step up your game, Grey! *smack* Ouch, I just smacked myself for you. Are you happy?
Mariano Rivera – Girardi announced Mariano will play center field at some point this weekend in Houston. Rivera should play 1st base, they could use some relief there. Rivera grew up idolizing a lot of center fielders and it’s been a dream of his to play one game out in center. I hope instead Enter Sandman, they play John Fogerty.
Andy Pettitte – He’ll make the last start of his career on Saturday in his hometown of Houston, which comes two years after he made his last last start of his career.
Erasmo Ramirez – Will start on Sunday after leaving his last start with a tight groin. As my grandfather would say, “You got a tight groin? What are you, a fanook?”
Chris Davis – Out yesterday with a sore foot. That’s code for “the Orioles are eliminated and, by hitting the most homers in Orioles history, I was granted Brady Anderson as my piss boy, so why do I have to play?”
Matt Wieters – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Was it five games since his last hit already? Oh, no, it wasn’t. Hmm, he must be putting on the finishing touches to sucking in fantasy owners for next year. You in March, “He’s gonna breakout, Grey!” You in June, “Should I drop Wieters?”
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ending the year with a 3.78 ERA. You again in March, “Hey, um, Grey, love the facial hair, have you thought about modeling? Anyway, why didn’t you rank Miguel Gonzalez in your top 80 starters? You forget? It’s okay if you did. I forget things sometimes, like my deodorant.”
Rajai Davis – Was away from the club for the birth of his child. The child’s name is Prince, and you will bow down to him whenever you see him. Even if you are in your living room and he’s on the television.
Paul Konerko – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer and Big Donkey, Adam Dunn (2-for-3) added in his 33rd homer. Before the game, the White Sox had an impromptu “Please Retire” ceremony for Konerko and Dunn. It was the most animated anyone had seen Kenny Williams since he ripped down Frank Thomas’s parking spot sign.
Yan Gomes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. He almost made it into the last Buy/Sell of the year that is coming later today, then I thought to myself, “It’s Yan f**king Gomes, no one’s picking him up.”
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Now this doode is in the Buy/Sell that’s coming later today, and he’s been in the last four roundups. Grab him already. What’s the matter? Scared of success? Give me your password and I’ll pick him up for you. If your password is “Greycaneatadong,” we’re no longer cool.
Zach McAllister – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. This is the kind of start I’d be worried about getting from any pitcher whose team is in contention. At the first sign of trouble, they could be pulled.
Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Unless I were desperate for saves, I wouldn’t let Chris Perez anywhere near my fantasy team this last weekend. Since the Indians are vying for a playoff spot, they shouldn’t let him anywhere near their team either. He’s now given up 6 earned runs in his last two outings. That’s uglier than his mullet. I’d grab Joe Smith for vulture saves, but the Indians have a couple of guys they could go to — Cody Allen and Bryan Shaw. Batten down whatever you batten down, it’s a closepocalypse at the worst possible time.
Josmil Pinto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 3rd in the last ten games. Pinto is a great supplier of natural gas and could hit another homer or two this weekend. What’s not to like? Anchovies?
Trevor Cahill – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ending the year with a 3.99 ERA. I don’t fall for that, just add in the extra penny!
Martin Prado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Solid season once again from Prado, which is me being generous to a player I don’t like. Where else on the interwebs do you find venom for Prado? Nowhere, I tell you.
Robbie Erlin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Am I the only one that wants to put an apostrophe on the end of his last name?
Tommy Medica – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4-for-8 in last two games. The sample sizes are small this time of year — that’s what she said! Wait, what? — but Medica has been swinging a hot-ish bat over the last two days.
Craig Gentry – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 21st steal. All he does is steal and run and run and steal and steal, run and steal and run, run, steal and…No, that’s all of it.
David Wright – Left yesterday’s start after being beaned on the head, but passed all concussion tests. Imagine the future is a watermelon. The Mets would give that watermelon to Gallagher.
Dillon Gee – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ending the year with a 3.62 ERA. Gee, what a way to end the year. Still I gotta give him mad props as they said in the 90’s. He put together a solid four months, which is terrific for the people in deep leagues that stuck with him, but maddening for everyone else that dropped him when his ERA was over 5. Why you gotta make me maddening, Gee? That shizz ain’t cool.
Jason Heyward – 5-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. I’ll take it as the start of his apology for this season, but I still want to see him crying to Matt Lauer and donating money to me.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. He dedicated those three RBIs to the guy who let him sleep in his flatbed in 2011.
Brandon Beachy – Underwent arthroscopic elbow surgery. His doctor said he should be ready for spring training. No word if that was the same doctor who gave Beachy a timetable that said he’d return this year. Rule number 1: Don’t go to doctors that do punch cards.
Brian McCann – Could be done for the year because he left yesterday’s game with an adductor strain. What’s he, a scallop?
Tyler Cloyd – 1 IP, 7 ER. After the game, ex-Phillie manager Charlie Manuel gave Cloyd a call for a little pep talk. He told him, “If you got Junebugs in your pepper shaker in September, you need to suck it up, shut off your lights and put up some of those Oriental hanging light balls.” Cloyd has no idea what Charlie meant, but it cheered him up.