Yesterday, Alex Cobb‘s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. March Grey, “You’re welcome.” April Grey, “Figures you show your face now.” May Grey, “You know how much crap I took for you, March Grey?” June Grey, “Seriously!” All the Greys start yammering over each other. March Grey, “Hey! Hey! Hey! July Grey, defend me here!” July Grey, “Don’t be too hard on him, Cobb was injured. He has a 2.23 ERA in July.” April/May/June Grey, “Shut up!” March Grey, “What about the Ks, July Grey? Tell them about those too.” April Grey, “We don’t want to hear it!” July Grey, “36 Ks in only 32 1/3 IP in July. Oh, and in April his ERA was 1.89, so I have no idea what your problem is.” April Grey, “Peer pressure.” March Grey, “April Grey’s still in a daze from Dozier’s April.” June Grey, “Yeah, April Grey, how’s Mike Morse doing too?” April Grey, “You know what? I’m hanging up now.” May Grey, “Probably wants to check on his Brett Lawrie-led offense.” So, Cobb hasn’t been dazzling all year like I expected, but his ERA is down to 3.54 on the year, his K-rate is 8.6, walk rate is 2.6 and his xFIP is 3.27. Everything I liked about him in the preseason still stands. March Grey, “That’s what I’m saying! Now, are you sending the bail money or what? This Nicaraguan prison sucks. Greys? Are you guys still there?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Zobrist better check his iCal, he’s about four months late for Opening Day.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Now has two straight great starts. I considered streaming him here, but his 1/3 IP, 5 ER two starts ago was stuck in my craw. I might need to stream him for his next start vs. the Giants, so guess back to the crawing board. Unless the crawing board is a 1/3 IP, 5 ER start. I’ve painted myself in a corner of puns and idioms. Help!
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Hey, shady looking guy, will you watch my gin and tonic while I go to the bathroom? *returns to drink* This tastes like battery acid… *five hours later* Wow, that was quite a nap. I must’ve been out for at least 18 hours. Hey, why is that guy trying on my arms? Ah!!! I’ve been roofied!
Nick Swisher – 2-for-4, 1 run. That’s one hit for each side burn.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Keep that average below .220 and we’re gonna have ourselves a nice little sleeper. Trust me, low averages scare away people. “Thank God, they don’t scare you away!” Shut up, Brad Miller.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting over .400 in the last week. About the hottest schmotato to come along Schmotato Lane since the last hottest schmotato to come along Schmotato Lane.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Anibal Sanchez (6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks). In a matchup of No Name Value That You Should Own vs. Name Value That You Should Trade Away. Score one for No Name Value. Who? I have no idea. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 31st homer. The Grande Dolor!
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. The Grande Burro! Hmm, Grande Burro is missing that It Factor. The Grande Burrito, that’s better.
Conor Gillaspie – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Now has multiple hits in four of his last five games. I need a bumper sticker, “My corner infielder is on the Conor roll.”
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 1 run. Has hit in nine of the past ten games. Eaton should’ve bashed his middle finger in months ago. Slam a door on your foot while you’re at it, so we can get some steals.
Adam Jones – 1-for-5 and a first inning homer (20). Bangfizzle!
Nick Markakis – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. It’s hard to believe he once warranted the nickname Sparkakis. How did he go from a 25-homer threat to Ben Zobrist’s Greek brother from a different mother and father, Zobriskakis?
Manny Machado – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I’m still stuckakis here. Machado has nearly two hundred less at-bats than Markakis, struggled for half the time he has been playing this year and still is out-paceakissing him!
C.J. Wilson – Made his final rehab start and is set to rejoin the rotation this weekend. Hair’s to you, kid!
Jered Weaver – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. If you thought my glee couldn’t get any more pronounced for a failing Weaver, Rudy just traded for him. Better than his trade for Matt Cain two weeks ago, but hopefully not by much.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Oofa. Markakis farts in Hamilton’s general direction.
Gerrit Cole – Threw his first rehab start, and is probably one more rehab start away from rejoining the Pirates rotation. Here’s hoping, since it’s been almost a month since the last time I was disappointed by him.
Starling Marte – Won’t return when eligible on Wednesday. He passed concussion tests, but when the barista at Starbucks wrote his name Farte, he laughed for ten minutes straight and the Pirates sent him for more tests.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. I streamed Liriano yesterday in our ‘pert RCL. Booyakasha! He’s also only owned in 31% of ESPN leagues and 50% of all RCL leagues, so it wasn’t just my league where he was available. I tell you this like an uncle that pretends he’s your friend — a fruncle — that you really should be looking at streaming.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer and third in as many games. Okay, you’re hot as dog balls, I get it. You can calm down now. Please and thank you.
Travis Snider – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his third homer in as many games. Once Marte, or Farte if you’re sipping lattes with him, returns, Snider’s playing time will be squeezed like his cigarette pack rolled in a sleeve of a too-tight t-shirt.
Michael Morse – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. April Grey, “That’s what I’m talking about!”
J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers, hitting .183. Now has four homers in the last week, and could be a short-term schmotato for power. He’s only one year removed from a 16-homer half a season (of course, he also hit .221 during that span (not Denard; crap how many parentheticals am I inside of here?) Hmm, no, one more).
Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5. When my Buy/Sell columns pass the trade deadlines, I just start telling you guys to drop in the Sell. Wanna get a jump on things? Do the Choo drop, which is also a dance move that happens when you try to play off a huge sneeze in front of a girl you like.
Alex Rios – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .305 with four homers on the year. I only point that out because I like to torture myself. Mark Whiten hit that many homers in one game! “Damn skippy!” said Mark Whiten as he sat in his kiddie pool wearing water wings and holding four baseballs in one hand.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 13th homer, and 3rd in two games. Now comfortably in front of Jacoby Ellsbury (and Ryan Braun and Yasiel Puig and a ton of players) on our Player Rater and nearly a top ten outfielder overall. Can’t say I didn’t plant the seed that Gardner could be great.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. This was his first start back from a day-to-day back spasm megillah, which was also the name of Magilla Gorilla’s yarmulke-wearing brother.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and slowly raising the Zombino flag since the All-Star break, showing there’s still something left in the tank, after you blow all the dust out of it.
Jay Bruce – Left the club on the bereavement list. Maybe he’s mourning the loss of his fantasy value.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 16th steal. How could Diane Chambers not pick this guy?
Mike Leake – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Only owned in 22% of leagues (37% of RCL leagues), and has a 7 K/9, a sub-2 BB/9 and a 3.36 xFIP. Even if you want to ignore all of that, the Stream-o-Nator likes Leake’s (almost stutterer!) next start, and I’d run him out there for it.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .239. His option for next season for $11 million vested recently. In honor of it, the Phils gave him a vest that deflects thrown batteries.
Grady Sizemore – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer for the Phils, and 3rd on the year, hitting .314 on the Phils. Even better, the Phils didn’t need to wrap a rubber band around him and submerge him in a bucket of water to break him in.
Chase Utley – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Must’ve been #tbt(uesday).
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.55. He’s been downright nasty from the bump. Maybe that’s why Spooners call him, Hole Camels.
Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Gee, not cool. After his previous two games where he was shellacked by the Padres and Brewers, something might be wrong with him physically. A Disgraceful List stint could be in his future. Even if not, you need to look elsewhere. His upside is about as exciting as the emotion conveyed when you say his last name, so he’s not worth this stress. Gee, lates.
Troy Tulowitzki – Underwent a needling procedure on his hip. Tulo laid on a table and his fantasy owners stood above him, criticizing his inability to stay healthy and his panache for wearing socks with flip-flops. Okay, I’m not sure about the flip-flops, but whenever I see someone wearing socks with flip-flops I think they look like a Polish immigrant.
Josh Rutledge – Missed another game with an upper respiratory illness. His lungs are conspiring against him in the back alleys of a very shadowy Austria under the pseudonym, Phlegm Fatales.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the DL. Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup or don’t, I’m playing in a Razzball commenter fantasy football league!” (Seamless segue fin.)
Emilio Bonifacio – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I grabbed Emily Boneface when Tulo went down and, damn, that’s depressing. But Boneface has been decent (for him).
Jason Heyward – Due back today or tomorrow from his lower back soreness. Ryan Doumit (0-for-3, hitting .193) started yesterday in his place. When the Braves signed the DH/terrible catcher/awful outfielder Doumit, I said I didn’t understand it, but I am but a wee blogger. The Braves are paying people millions of dollars to be smarter than me. Which brings me to my point, what the eff were they thinking?
Tommy La Stella – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .296. His lack of power and speed make him a poster child for Forty-Twenties. That poster is partially obscuring The Cure and Alf posters. Someone really needs to redecorate.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .285. Freeman doesn’t need to give me forty acres and a mule, but I’d love 25 homers.
Josh Beckett – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. I’m guessing he’s still hurt. I’m also guessing there’s someone better on waivers in your league. I’m a good guesser!
Yasiel Puig – 4-for-5, 2 runs. And no walls ran into or pine tar drawn-on mustaches to tease Mattingly. I gotta say, it was a good day.
Mike Napoli – Out with a swollen finger. His doctor said, “Your finger is nearly as large as your mother’s areolas.”
Rubby De La Rosa – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. Only mentioning him because people will be like, “Grey, Fantasy Master Lothario, I wish I could spread your ‘stache on my bagel and eat it all up. Now, onto my question, what do you think of Rubby?” Actually, that same person won’t even read this and just ask anyway. Damn, my logic turned down a cul-de-sac. Any the hoo! I don’t like Rubby outside of streaming and AL-Only leagues.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. For Bogaerts, God put his lips together and blew that ball out of the park.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Seemed to hit rock bottom last week, but has been hitting well recently. Weird it took him that long to hit rock bottom. Doesn’t have that far to fall.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.03. Usually I point out how terrible Kershaw’s ERA was his first year to say to ignore young starters that are struggling. Here, I point it out to say how good can Stroman get in a few years if he has a 3.03 ERA now? Rhetorical!
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .223. His OBP is .285. His Magic Eight Ball says Fourth Outfielder on the Yanks in Two Years and Out of Baseball in Four Years. His Magic Eight Ball used a really small font to fit all of that.
Everth Cabrera – 1-for-4 as he returned from the DL. EverCab took four weeks to return from his hamstring strain and he’s batting .218. So, that’s the difference performance-enhancing drugs make!
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer on the Padres, and 2nd in three games. He was batting third yesterday, which is so pitiful I’m sad emoticoning into my pillow since he couldn’t even stay on the Yankees, but that aside, he is hitting right now.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. He’s hitting .500 since he’s returned from the DL. (Baby steps.)
Henderson Alvarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Has this guy ever thrown a non-Quality Start? And shut up with your fancy Google, I could look it up too but I chose not to. He has never thrown a non-Quality Start. Ever. So there!
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. The Human Cespedes is quietly having a very productive season (top 20 outfielder on the Player Rater). I’m happy for him. Lowercase yay. Did that seem happy? Oh, well. But (you knew a but was coming) he’s being carried a bit on fantasy value like a 2013 Matt Carpenter. Hitting in the middle of the A’s lineup this year is like being in one of those phone booths where they blow money around, only the A’s are blowing around counting stats. Grab as many as you can!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Let me guess, you were voted Most Likely To Succeed and someone X’ed out ‘ceed’ and added in Josh’s last name and now you’re scarred? Get over it and grab him!
Chad Qualls – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, as he got smashed around by the A’s hitters. Last week, Jeff Luhnow, Astros GM, said they won’t trade Qualls, saying they need more Qualls. The A’s would conquer that. Oops, I meant concur.
Danny Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting near-.350 in the last week and has been hitting ever since he came off the DL and is now batting leadoff. Want more? Um…uh…Dah! You don’t get more.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. His K-rate is below 5. That’s laughably bad. Not laugh-out-loudably bad, apparently.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.55. Better than his most recent bleh starts, but yesterday’s start is such a meh start. I want more than meh. Turn that meh upside down and hew me something wonderful! (Then I’ll put it on Etsy and Pinterest the crap out of it!)
Jayson Werth – Didn’t start yesterday after twisting his ankle the day before. Could’ve been much worse if he didn’t have his ankle wrapped in a massive foot beard.