Don't be shellfish...Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+

Oh, how we are going to miss Mariano Rivera. I’ve never owned him, but always wished I did. Personally, I’m a Yankee hater, but I always enjoyed watching him work his ninth inning magic like a smooth pick up artist. So now we are left without one of the greatest closers to ever play the game and a permanent fixture on the $12 salad menu. But like all things fantasy, we must move on and start prepping for next season by keeping our minds sharp and our cheat sheets easily accessible. The great mix up called free agency and the winter meetings are just a stones throw away and will hopefully give us some clarity into what comes next.

There will be a $12 dollar salad– Joe Nathan (43/73/1.39/0.90), on the open market. Some great DonkeyCorns– Grant Balfour (38/72/2.59/1.20) and Joaquin Benoit (24/73/2.01/1.03). And some brainfreezes– some with upward mobility and some with not, Fernando Rodney (37/82/3.38/1.34), Jose Veras (21/60/3.06/1.11), Kevin Gregg (33/56/3.48/1.37), and Brian Wilson 0/13/0.66/0.88) come to mind. I include Veras and Wilson because you never know what these bipolar organizations are going to do; some being very frugal and some being a little glutanous with their free agent dollars.  For example, you have a guy like Joaquin Benoit who could end up going somewhere to be a high priced set up man. Bottom line, there are a lot of messy situations for us to work through and I can only hope they will be settled by the time we draft our teams. But when you read things like this, you have to wonder about what we think we know and how little we know about knowing the know and might recommend not drafting in February….or early March.

Here now is a list of all the closers going forward and where I see them at the moment. I have included the important stats for fantasy purposes (Saves/K’s/ERA/WHIP). As we move forward this off season, we should be getting into blown saves, K’s/9, K’s/BB, and other important number type stuff. One thing with closers, I don’t care about age. Unless there is major regression trend, I don’t see the validity in bringing that up. Many of these guys become great relievers later in their careers and, like cockroaches, are hard to knock out.

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve gone to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel – 50/98/1.21/0.88

2. Kenley Jansen – 28/111/1.88/0.86

3. Greg Holland – 47/103/1.21/0.87

4. Koji Uehara –  21/101/1.09/0.57

5. Aroldis Chapman - 38/112/2.54/1.04

6. Trevor Rosenthal – 3/108/2.63/1.10

DonkeyCorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are DonkeyCorns.

7. Glen Perkins – 36/77/2.30/0.93

8. Addison Reed –  40/72/3.79/1.11

9. Sergio Romo –  38/58/2.54/1.08

10. Jim Johnson – 50/56/2.94/1.28

11. Rafael Soriano –  43/51/3.11/1.23

12. Steve Cishek – 34/74/2.33/1.08

13. Mark Melancon – 16/70/1.39/0.96

14. Casey Janssen –  34/50/2.56/0.99

15. Jim Henderson – 28/75/2.70/1.13

16. Jonathan Papelbon – 29/57/2.92/1.14

17. Huston Street –  33/46/2.70/1.02

Brain Freezes

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Rex Brothers – 19/76/1.74/1.29

19. Danny Farquhar – 16/79/4.20/1.19

20. Brad Ziegler – 13/44/2.22/1.14

21. Ernesto Frieri - 37/98/3.80/1.24

Texas Rangers (Neftali Feliz, Joakim SoriaTanner Scheppers)

Oakland A’s (Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle, Dan Otero)

New York Yankees (David Robertson)

Tampa Bay Rays (Jake McGee, Joel Peralta, Alex Torres)

Detroit Tigers (Al Alburquerque, Bruce Rondon, Drew Smyly)

Cleveland Indians  (Cody Allen, Vinnie Pastano)

New York Mets (Bobby Parnell, Vic Black)

Houston Astros (Josh Fields, Chia-Jen-Lo)

Chicago Cubs (James Russell, Pedro Strop)

 

 

From Around The Web

  1. Jash says:
    (link)

    Wow Papelbinger is now a donkey!

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Jash: Yup, that happened, he hasn’t been a salad since 2011

  2. Jay

    Jay says:
    (link)

    Ed. Note– I had no idea where the DonkeyCorn story was going, but I’m quite pleased with the destination.

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Jay: I’ve told an elaborated version to my daughter for years

  3. badnewsbears says:
    (link)

    Melancon over Grilli?

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @badnewsbears: yeah, he’s better and not as old.

      • badnewsbears says:
        (link)

        @J-FOH:
        that reminds me of a great quote I once read: “One thing with closers, I don’t care about age. Unless there is major regression trend, I don’t see the validity in bringing that up. Many of these guys become great relievers later in their careers and, like cockroaches, are hard to knock out.”

        • J-FOH says:
          (link)

          @badnewsbears: Grilli got hurt and Melancon was nails, injury is never a good thing. All things being equal, a club is more inclined to go with a younger arm, to me it doesn’t matter. If you want to look at the numbers, Grilli’s numbers went up every month until he was knocked out where Melancon held steady ALL year until September when he had two games where he gave up 2 ER each, and one of those was at Texas where he still got the save. The numbers are what they are. You shouldn’t confuse my opinions and analysis with what a club was going to do. If you’re a betting man, I would put my dollars on Melancon over Grilli. But I might be wrong, it is November

          • badnewsbears says:
            (link)

            @J-FOH:
            Understood. Just not sure about that high of a rank for a guy who doesn’t have the job. Remember that Grilli took the job back at the end of the regular season and looked good (as closer) in the limited playoff run.

            • J-FOH says:
              (link)

              @badnewsbears: I wouldn’t call it great, but I hear you. Melancon looked tired at the end and really he had a 25 inning jump from last year. I like Melancon better if he gets the job than I like Grilli if it’s his. Who knows, maybe both get saves next year

  4. Nelson Santovenia says:
    (link)

    Is there really a doubt that Parnell will close? Is he still hurt? He was pretty good before going down last year

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Nelson Santovenia: true, he needs to show he has recovered before they give him that back.

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
      (link)

      @Nelson Santovenia: Parnell could get traded

  5. Brian S says:
    (link)

    Rex Brothers seems more like a DonkeyCorn than a Brian Freeze to me for some reason.

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Brian S: the Rockies have been exploring other bullpen options. He had a solid year but to go a full season as a closer is a different story.

  6. Wake Up says:
    (link)

    Grey’s donkeycorn story is what originally hooked me to this site, truth be told…also, in the interest of truth, a mouse pissed in my toaster oven this morning whilst I was buttering my bagel…truth be told, I had already taken a bite…that I had to spit out…when I saw the defiling of my TO…my dog ran over and ate the once bitten piece of bagel off of the floor…Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sabingya blah blah blah baba…

    Mo – the mouse
    Papelbon – the bagel eater
    Kimbrel – Simba
    Gregg – Scar
    Romo- Hakuna Matata
    Melancon – Elton John
    Benoit – my dog

    Rosenthal should still be included with the entree…

    Who thinks about closers in November anyway? Get a life…wink…

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Wake Up: right, I told Grey I’d see him in January and he told me the first closer report is in November, I asked why and he said “because I said so!” then proceeded to berate me and make me get him a fresh cup of joe. I love working for Razzball *not sarcasm*

    • Count de monetball says:
      (link)

      @Wake Up: @Wake Up: Yeah, I gotta agree with Wake Up, the closer report doesn’t mean much in November…. In all honesty, I was dissapointed that a “closer report” was today’s column. J-FOH, you did what you could, but until a number of signings happen, it’s really pointless. I take it Smokey has left the building? If so, congrats on the job and I look forward to your thoughts next season…

      • J-FOH says:
        (link)

        @Count de monetball: It is, but it keeps us up to date on signings and things to look forward to. I’m going to try and break down certain guys so we can have some players to avoid and players to get good value out of. It’s only going to be once a month so we won’t see each other for a while

        • Wake Up says:
          (link)

          @J-FOH: haha…that was a J-FOH quote…”Who’s talking about mockdrafts. Get a life!”

          • J-FOH says:
            (link)

            @Wake Up: @Wake Up: @Wake Up: oh you like to mockdraft in November? Have fun working on your flesh suit too

            • Wake Up says:
              (link)

              @J-FOH: it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets more bold prediction…

        • Count de Monetball says:
          (link)

          @J-FOH: didn’t mean to come like a d*ck. I just miss FBB! C’mon spring!

          • J-FOH says:
            (link)

            @Count de Monetball: don’t worry, you’re fine. If I need someone to be a dick Prezzi will come by and take a dump all over my article

    • Prez says:
      (link)

      @Wake Up: mippleth!

      • Wake Up says:
        (link)

        @Prez: Broasts… Boybies… Chestnuts…

  7. Prez says:
    (link)

    Wait til i actually draft closers in the rcl next year… Could be trouble for yall!

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Prez: yup, Prezzi will be a beast. I got a good shout out for you in my football article that comes out later today

  8. FifthCommentor says:
    (link)

    The other day I realized I work at place with a $12 salad on the menu.

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @FifthCommentor: please post a pic of that

  9. Kid A says:
    (link)

    Jack with the ledes atop two pages? I expect frogs to begin falling from the sky shortly…

    Speaking of Sky, I can’t even begin to imagine the depravity of the pictures you took of him with that tranny-hooker during your trip up north to have made all this possible. Sweet Christ.

    Thank you for the tireless work of rolling your head across a keyboard and categorizing closers – in November. Look forward to a full season of watching you tap dance on landmines.

    RIP – Smoky.

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Kid A: thanks….I think. I barely remember what happened. All I know was I got home on a monday and grey offered on Tuesday morning. And the tranny hooker was named pete

    • Wake Up says:
      (link)

      @Kid A: this made me laugh…

    • Prez says:
      (link)

      @Kid A: i el oh el’d…

  10. Ra'zball Al Ghul says:
    (link)

    What about Jason Motte? Is he done in StL?

  11. Wake Up says:
    (link)

    Do you think League gets the job back in LAD?

    Also, why does stuff have mass?

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @Wake Up: hahahaha. Bailey or Hanrahan in Boston?

      Things have mass because the nano gnomes keep everything together

  12. Q says:
    (link)

    Do the Yankees go with Robertson, or bring in a free agent?

  13. costaricanchata says:
    (link)

    can you use your new found position of influence and change this line ==> “… you could’ve went to McDonald’s …” ?
    after years of reading (and re-reading) this level of illiteracy , i am beginning to question the value
    of the content .
    thank you .

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @costaricanchata: you grammar hammers need to give it a rest. It doesn’t really matter and makes you all look like elitist snobs. Now excuse me, I need to go shovel some pig shit

      • costaricanchata says:
        (link)

        @J-FOH:

        new vape flavor ?

        • J-FOH says:
          (link)

          @costaricanchata: no, but a good idea, “what are you vaping on there?” “Uh, it’s called shoveled pig shit” Wait…What?” “Hey I made it myself and I’m huge fan of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” “Oh, what other flavors you got” “Master Blaster, Aunty Entity, and captain Walker” “you’re weird”

          • costaricanchata says:
            (link)

            @J-FOH:

            i’m on straight platano mode now .
            (no syringes) .

      • costaricanchata says:
        (link)

        @Sky:

        sure .
        now let’s just re-post that every month ,
        rather than taking steps towards improvement .

        but , i’ll post another mea culpa , sky , if that
        will help alleviate your pain .

        do you have the power to switch out the word
        “went” for “gone” ?
        just asking .

        • Sky

          Sky says:
          (link)

          @costaricanchata: Hey, was just giving a little snark for snark, my man. As a person who cares about grammar, you know what words sound like which means you also know how to use them better if you want a better response. I don’t really care about it at this point. Just think your idea that ‘content’ is somehow related to the misuse of ‘went/gone’ on a sports blog is a little silly and dramatic on your part. You seem like you need some perspective so I’m trying to provide it. I’ll see if it can be fixed.

      • J-FOH says:
        (link)

        @Sky: I will put WENT in bold and all caps for the next article

        • costaricanchata says:
          (link)

          @J-FOH:

          lol .

Comments are closed.