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I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?'”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
4. Jose Valverde  (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
5. Brian Wilson (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom)
11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
12. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn)
14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez)
15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Drew Storen (-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
19. Ryan Madson (+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo
20.
Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright)
22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney)
23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25.
Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26.
Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez)
27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 
29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato)
30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)

  1. wynams says:
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    Joe Nathan … do not want! :p

  2. Derrick says:
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    Which deal would you rather do (if either)

    Jennings for Garza or
    Crawford and Leubke for Weaver.

    Essentially, if I moved Crawford, Jennings would take his spot in my OF.

    If he doesn’t want to do the Weaver deal, should I still do the Garza deal?

    Thanks.

  3. L-Boogie says:
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    ROS Question of the Day:

    Bruce or Cruz? 5×5, 12 teams

    Thanks dude.

  4. Ryan says:
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    What will it take for Perez to get pulled in favor of Pestano? Dude is killing me with both his bad Tweets and crappy outings.

  5. Brew Crew says:
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    I was offered F-Her for my Cruz…Fair?? (12 team roto…behind on k’s and w’s)

  6. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Derrick: Both are fair… Take Weaver first.

    @L-Boogie: Cruz

    @Ryan: Ha… Another bad outing or two and he could be out.

    @Brew Crew: Yup

  7. SF Values says:
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    Which set up men would you grab to speculate for saves in the fantasy playoffs? Adams, Pestano, Chapman, other?

  8. Robert says:
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    @Grey- Are Floyd vs Bal and E. Rogers vs Cin safe to start? Thanks

  9. John says:
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    Winfield killed a seagull, not a pigeon

  10. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @John: Ha… You’re right, but technically he could’ve killed a pigeon at some point in his life.

  11. chata says:
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    espn reporting rauch with knee problems .

    chair slinger to take over ?

  12. Jay says:
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    @Grey: What else does Kimbrel have to do to become a $12 salad!? Be over 30 years old? Gain 50 pounds? Blow a dozen more saves?

    Dude is probably the #1 closer YTD, so I’d think you’d consider him a Top 5 ROS.

  13. Wake Up says:
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    First it’s a pigeon, now he killed a seagull? Easy with the schmear campaign Steinbrenner. He was cleared of all charges when it was proven, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the seagull committed suicide when it found out that it was actually Canadian. One could even say that he was exonerated in toto, per se. And such as and so forth.

  14. Wilsonian says:
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    Heyward out of the lineup again tonight.

    I’m seriously thinking about dealing him in my 16 Team H2H Keeper. I’m in first place and need to keep it that way. He’s one of my only trade chips that could help me out right now.

  15. potus says:
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    Winfield was the reason Robin Ventura got his arse kicked by Nolan Ryan…..well that & the fact he charged a pissed off cattle ranching Texan. Just watched the video….put a smile on my face.

    2012 closer question. Put %’s on Gregerson & Chapman getting the call?

    Good future article for those in keeper leagues would be 2012 closer options. I know it’s fairly arbitrary but throwing some high $1 upside guys on the bench pays huge dividends and extends ones interest in the fantasy season.

    Keep up the good work!

    -YHL

  16. Wake Up says:
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    @Jay: You a fan of paying $12 for a salad?

  17. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    grey j.d martinez or goldschmidt?this year omly runs rbi,s the target

  18. Wilsonian says:
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    @Grey: what should I legitimately look for in return for Heyward? He’s my 3rd outfielder, so I’d really need an OFer in return. I’d also like someone that could possibly be kept.

  19. Ralph says:
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    @Grey…

    Brandon McCarthy is a free agent in my league. Would you drop Max Scherzer, Brandon Beachy or Johnny Cueto for him?

    Thanks.

  20. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @potus: Ha…. 5% and 10%… I’ll consider that article.

    @AL KOHOLIC: Goldschmidt

    @Wilsonian: He could be an All-Star next year, not sure what outfielder you can get for him that is better than him.

    @Ralph: Nope

  21. Moonlight's Grahams says:
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    Alright, time for annoying Trade advice.
    Me:
    Avila
    Berkman
    Sean Rodriguez
    Andrus
    Youk
    Vicotorino
    Cruz
    Braun
    Kubel
    Hideki Matsui
    Rajai Davis
    Jesus Guzman

    Marcum
    Ogando
    Weaver
    Worley
    Axford
    Francisco Cordero
    Walden
    Mujica
    Uehara (<^HLDs league)
    Colby Lewis
    Carrasaco/Johan/Morneau/Alexei Cassila on DL

    Proposed trade: Braun/Berkman for Pedroia/Ian Kennedy
    H2H league currently in 3rd place dealing with 8th place team who would need to climb 11 games in 2 weeks to make the playoffs.
    Thoughts?

  22. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Better for spec saves: Parnell or Sale? Parnell’s been awful, but Izzy has too.

  23. Wilsonian says:
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    @Grey: ok, then if I don’t make a deal, who is the better OF replacement for Heyward when he sits the pine in favor of George Costanza: EYJ, Carp, Martinez?

  24. L-Boogie says:
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    1) Better 3B option ROS, 5×5, 12 team: Sandoval or Lawrie (once he has eligibility)?

    2) Better 2B option ROS: Lawrie or Scutaro?

    Thanks dude.

  25. VinWins

    VinWins says:
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    The Jays aren’t waiting for Villanueva’s turn in the rotation to start Henderson Alvarez. He will start tomorrow vs the A’s.

  26. B.o.B. says:
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    @Grey: 10 team H2H league…can I drop Chris Young? .171, 0 HR, 3 RBI over the past month!! Dios mio!!

  27. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @B.o.B.: I’d prefer you bench him, but yeah if you have to.

  28. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    @Grey: thanks grey,you can tell im back to work now,not on here as much but i do keep up with you

  29. emceeperiod says:
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    Grey,

    Blockbuster trade question:

    My Kemp for his Hanley?
    (10 team league)
    My current SS is Bonaficio (Drew injury forced it).
    My current other OF’s are Cargo, Ethier, Victorino.
    My current UTIL are M. Reynolds, Adam Lind (usually bench Reynolds or Lind depending on matchups)

    I know Hanley’s having a bad season, but this is a keeper league (keep 3 only) and Hanley is (except this season) top tier every season at a scarce position, while OF is usually loaded.

    I am in contention this year, will most likely make the playoffs. Will Hanley turn it around? This season? Next season? If so, this would be a good trade right? If not, I’m giving up a top 5 player this year….

    Thoughts? Keep Kemp or roll the dice on Hanley….

    Thanks!

  30. BobbyI says:
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    @Grey….ERA and WHIP alone, better for ROS….Ubaldo or D Hudson?

  31. Steve says:
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    D-Lee @ SF (Bumgarner) or Krispie v HOU (Lyles) for the Util slot tonight?

  32. Eddy says:
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    @Grey:

    Word is that Bell will get claimed off waivers once he’s been put through. If a trade were to work out, who takes over? Gregerson, Qualls or Frieri?

  33. BobbyI says:
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    @Grey….please disregard last question (Ubaldo vs D Hudson) and please rank ROS (ERA and WHIP only)…..Ubaldo, D Hudson, E Santana, Masterson

  34. emceeperiod says:
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    Just saw this note: SS Hanley Ramirez is coming to the realization that his left shoulder might not ever be the same for the rest of his career

  35. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @BobbyI: Ubaldo, Ervin, Masterson…

    @emceeperiod: At least he has an excuse now not to go 100%.

  36. Derrick says:
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    In my above idea of offereing Luebke and Crawford for Weaver, he countered with Wandy and Crawford for Weaver.

    Do I still do it?

  37. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Altuve, Scutaro, Hill, Turner or Espinosa for power/speed mix?

  38. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Sigh. He’s actually shown a flicker of life in the last game or two. Be nice if he got rolling again.

  39. Bad Juju says:
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    I am a Braves homer, but the eyeball test says Kimbrel has been the filthiest closer in the league… He’s got Marmol’s stuff minus the neuroticism. Gimme a fork!

  40. Trevor

    tggq21 says:
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    Grey,5×5,H2H,

    would you get rid of any of the following pitchers for W. Rodriguez?

    Beachy
    Bumgarner
    chacin
    Gio gonz
    Cueto
    marcum

    Nice stache’ Yesterday Black n Yellow broke their 10 game losing streak!! did you sing that song before the game or something? yeeeeesh!

  41. Steve says:
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    Uh-oh. A run-fest between Fister and Masterson is NOT what I need.

  42. shoopdewhoop says:
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    Is Freeman/Lawrie enough for Granderson? Standard 12 team roto.
    I need some depth, lost Murphy, I.Davis
    in lead in 4 of 5 off cats, avg a bit low

  43. TH3 M0ST H1GH says:
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    @Grey: Any chance you would start Marcum today vs. Cards?

    He got lit up by them last time and didn’t fare very well the time before. I’m leaning towards sitting him, but I’m projecting behind in IP and could use a W w/out killing my ratios.

    Here’s hoping you’re online in the next 20 minutes.

  44. Mark says:
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    What do I do about Heyward in my H2H league?

    Drop him and pick up Crisp, Maybin, LoMo, or Rios? Choo is also available to pick up although he’s still a week away.

    Or just ride it out?

  45. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Mark: Maybin…

  46. Steve says:
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    CGSO for Shields in less than 2 hours. Wow.

  47. Eng says:
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    Yo Grey! Yo heard anything about the Street and Lindstrom injury fall out. Word is Rex is next but for how long yo? (sorry about the “yo”s but you set the precedent). Thanks in advance bud.

  48. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: That was crazy quick.

    @Eng: Yeah, Brothers.

  49. Steve says:
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    4/31 in the RCL. 8 guys are hitless. I’m getting f***ing sick of this.

  50. pipa says:
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    would you trade reynolds for billingsley?

  51. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @pipa: Not in most leagues.

  52. Feeding the Abscess

    Feeding the Abscess says:
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    @Steve: I basically have the same stats, with Abreu hitting two HR on his first day not being on my team.

  53. barker says:
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    20 team league h2h trade for the stretch run

    i give bourgeois i get bartlett

    my only SS is maicer izturis

    my OF is LF lind CF kemp RF hart backups pagan cuddyer DL allen craig

    i have another offer out there of lohse and espinosa for hardy

    should i take that down or hope it gets accepted as i don’t really need either of those guys anymore with lawrie and oswalt on my team

    if that doesn’t happen can i outright drop lohse for a ham sandwich ??

  54. AdamH says:
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    More value for next season? A-Rod or Lincecum

  55. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @barker: I’d take Hardy.

  56. barker says:
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    sorry wasnt clear the bartlett trade just went thru but i had my heart set on hardy — should i just keep it up till sunfay (deadline) , maybe spice the pot a little , or just dont bother and drop lohse

  57. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @barker: This is more clear? Get Hardy if you can for Espinosa and Lohse.

  58. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Do you you take any of:

    Robot
    JD Martinez
    Torii
    Blanks
    Carp

    over Ryan Roberts? 12-team H2H, OBP counts as well as AVG.

  59. Fletch says:
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    I’m already looking forward to owning Bumgarner next year.

  60. Wilsonian says:
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    Need to know who you would rather have for the rest of the season to spot start for Heyward who sucks donkey balls: Constanza, Bourjos, Carp, Martinez?

    I have Carp right now, but could pick up any of them and Martinez hit another HR tonight…

  61. Steve says:
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    @Grey: And as soon as I make the switch, Roberts comes up with an RBI double!

    Just to balance things up on the moaning front, I should point out that I started Shields and Bumgarner in another league.

  62. ruah says:
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    Last one out….Bay, Willingham, Martinez or Kotchman?

    Dump Cecil for Hochevar?

  63. ruah says:
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    just a ranking of the above hitters would be fine for all around production

  64. wingsnbeer says:
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    start holland v mariners?

  65. Trevor

    tggq21 says:
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    Grey,

    5×5 H2h, Start M.Joyce or A. Lind tonight for Utility.

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