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Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank2 started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks.  Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+3) (David Robertson, Luis Ayala)
2. Jose Valverde (+3) (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
3. Carlos Marmol (-2) (Sean Marshall)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard)
5. Heath Bell (-1) (Mike Adams, Ernesto Frieri)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Brian Wilson (+5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+8) (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Chris Perez (+1) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
9. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Nick Masset)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Craig Kimbrel (-5) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
12. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
13. Leo Nunez (+1) (Steve Cishek, Mike Dunn)
14. Francisco Rodriguez (-6) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
15. J.J. Putz (-8) (David Hernandez)
16. Drew Storen (+2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
17. Kyle Farnsworth (-1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
18. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
19. Sergio Santos (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
20.
Joakim Soria (+10) (Aaron Crow)
21. Neftali Feliz (-1) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+5) (Joe Nathan, Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
24. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright, David Pauley)
25. Jordan Walden (-4) (Scott Downs)
26. Fernando Salas (-4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs, Eduardo Sanchez)
27. Mark Melancon (-3) (Wilton Lopez)
28. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
29. Javy Guerra (Hong-Chih Kuo, Kenley Jansen)
30. Antonio Bastardo (-12) (Ryan Madson, Michael Stutes, Brad Lidge, Battery Throwing Fan)