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The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month.  With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it.  No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard?  Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be?  No, of course, I can’t.  It would be too easy.  I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them.  Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.)  So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them.  Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler)
10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour)
11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
15. Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley)
17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
19. Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez)
27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez)
28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot)
30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)