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Chris Perez has been shut down for 3-4 weeks.  The Indians are saying it’s due to a shoulder strain.  Seems pretty coincidental that Chris Perez rocks a mullet and there’s a guy with a “business on top, party in the back” haircut on The Amazing Race this season.  I’m calling BS.  “Yeah, what’s up?”  Sorry, didn’t mean to actually call BS.  “Cool, now you’re wasting my time.  I’m gonna call myself on you!”  So with Perez out, a giant gaping hole opens in Cleveland, and I don’t mean when Drew Carey is eating.  Vinnie Pestano should take over the closer role in the mean’s while.  Unfortunately (depending on how you’re looking at it), Perez went down so early that he could return as soon as the first or second week of the season.  That means you need to draft Perez and Pestano.  My advice is to wait two seconds after someone drafts Perez then take Pestano.  This will be real cute in auctions.  They’ll either have to spend $15-ish to have both Indian closers or they’ll be stuck without one.  If I could only draft one, I’d take a late flyer on Pestano.  As with most things SAGNOF-related, there’s no sure thing in the bullpens and the cheaper way to get saves is always the most preferable.   Anyway, here’s all the closers for fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel – (Jonny Venters, Jordan Walden, Eric O’Flaherty)
2. Jonathan Papelbon – (Antonio Bastardo, Mike Adams)
3. Jason Motte – (Mitchell Boggs, Trevor Rosenthal)
4. Mariano Rivera – (David Robertson, Boone Logan, Joba Chamberlain)
5. Joe Nathan – (Jason Frasor, Tanner Scheppers)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Rafael Soriano – (+1) (Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard)
7. Tom Wilhelmsen – (+1) (Carter Capps, Stephen Pryor, Josh Kinney)
8. Greg Holland – (+1) (Aaron Crow, Kelvin Herrera, Tim Collins)
9. Huston Street – (+1) (Luke Gregerson, Dale Thayer)
10. Glen Perkins – (+1) (Jared Burton, Alex Burnett)
11. Sergio Romo – (-5) (Santiago Casilla, Javier Lopez)
12. John Axford – (+1) (Jim Henderson, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Fernando Rodney – (+1) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, Kyle Farnsworth)
14. Steve Cishek – (+1) (Mike Dunn, Ryan Webb)
15. Jim Johnson – (+1) (Pedro Strop, Darren O’Day)
16. J.J. Putz – (+1) (David Hernandez, Heath Bell)
17. Jonathan Broxton – (+1) (Sean Marshall, Jose Arrendondo)
18. Joel Hanrahan – (+1) (Andrew Bailey, Koji Uehara)
19. Rafael Betancourt – (+1) (Matt Belisle, Wilton Lopez)
20. Grant Balfour – (Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle)

Brain Freezes

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Casey Janssen – (-9) (Sergio Santos, Darren Oliver)
22. Jason Grilli
– (+1) (Mark Melancon, Tony Watson)
23. Addison Reed
– (+2) (Matt Thornton, Jesse Crain)
24. Brandon League – (+1) (Kenley Jansen, Ronald Belisario)
25. Carlos Marmol – (+1) (Kyuji Fujikawa, Shawn Camp)
26. Ernesto Frieri – (-3) (Ryan Madson, Sean Burnett, Scott Downs)
27. Bobby Parnell – (+1) (Frank Francisco, Josh Edgin)
28. Jose Veras – (+2) (Wesley Wright, Hector Ambriz)
29. Vinnie Pestano – (-8) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
30. Joaquin Benoit, Bruce Rondon, Octavio Dotel, Phil Coke, Al Alburquerque, The Marlboro Man (-2)