Cliff Lee aka The Adverb got through the Gnats like a subject and a predicate. Pitches so sharp, Lee will cut your head off. Selig is the commissioner. You no wanna start Leezy, he is the Finisher. Stop playin’, he do it like a King do. Pitch! Lee flow like scuba, pitch, Lee’s bold like Cuba and The Adverb blow right through ya! Sorry, I kinda love that song and I’m not even a huge Lil’ Wayne fan. (Note: Rudy just read that and needs Chad Billingsley’s grandmother Barbara to help translate that jive like in Airplane) Any the hootie hoo! For fantasy purposes, there’s not much to say. The Adverb lit up the scoreboard… Brilliant Lee. He’s a number one. You knew that. Moving on, snitches. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – After first being reported here after inferring shizz from other news sources, Aroldis is being shutdown for a few days. Doctors are saying he got Dustied.
Joe Mauer – Twins said that Mauer sat out because he’s sore. See, Cuddyer was saying about some girl in the stands, “I’d like to see Mauer of that girl…..in my bed!” and it turned out to be Mauer’s sister, so Mauer got all sore. Or maybe it’s worse because he went on the DL. So what’s the over/under on the amount of games that Joe Mauer plays at catcher before he’s moved to 1B, 3B, or DH? 500 games?
Nick Markakis – 3 for 5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs, 1 HR. You can’t start a fire without a Sparkakis!
Phil Hughes – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m seeing people start to drop Hughes. From someone who doesn’t like to overreact to early season woes/whoas, I can understand losing Hughes.
Jose Reyes – Had the always satisfying slam & legs on the first side of the doubleheader. Nom nom nom.
Scott Hairston – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and a HR playing both games. I told Rudy he’s the best current Mets outfielder and he said that was the top five stupidest things I’ve ever said. I think it was top six.
R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. Dickey sucks! Hahahahahaha… That’s gold!!! Oh, my God, breathe, Grey, breathe! Okay. I’m good. So juvenile. That joke is like Chinese food, I don’t even remember what I was laughing at ten seconds later. Let me reread the beginning. Oh, that’s right! Hahahahahahaha… That’s gold!!!
Brad Emaus – 1-for-5 along with two bobbles on potentially inning-ending double plays that cost the Mets about 6 runs. Amazing how much he looks like Dan Uggla, only he’s not. He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla. That poor man is Jeff Wilpon.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Looking like a genius telling everyone to draft him. Not looking like a genius by telling most of you to bench him vs. the Phillies. Back to square one on my quest to look smarter than I actually am.
Carl Pavano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Terrific! Spectacular! Hyperbole! The team he was facing has one hitter batting over .300 and his name is Sam Fuld. Fuld the love of God!
Brandon Beachy – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks. I get the urge to want to drop him, but in most leagues I would hold him for another start or two. He’s got good stuff, it’s a long season, yadda3.
Greg Reynolds – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Now back-to-back solid starts. I’m gonna be honest with you, if he were Latin, I’d be all over this guy. Change his name to Jorge Renaldo and you’d pick him up too. Don’t lie, you mentirosa.
Jon Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. He’s be on the right side, which is to say the left side.
Troy Tulowitzki – Hit his 6th and 7th homers yesterday. Have some pierogies, you’ve earned them!
Bruce Chen - Now 2-0 after 8 innings of no earned run pitching on one strikeout. It was against the Mariners. Translating that against a real offense, that’s a 5.00 ERA, 2 HRs allowed, and -5 strikeouts. If you stream pitchers, I’d just pick up anyone against the Mariners. Pitching against them is like playing tetherball against a guy in a strait jacket.
Bud Norris – 6 shutout innings with 7 Ks against the Padres. Pitching against the Padres offense is like playing tetherball against a girl in a strait jacket.
Jorge Posada - Tied the game in the 9th with a solo HR off Kevin Gregg. All the man does is hit HRs. 7 hits on the year, 5 HRs. If he’s going to do that and stay catcher eligible, he’s going to have to start paying royalties to Rod Barajas and Miguel Olivo. Maybe he thinks DH stands for Designated Homerer.
Kyle Farnsworth - Happy days in Tampa as the Farns gets the sphinctory as Potsy (Johnny Damon) hit a 2-run walkoff to get the win. Don’t worry. The ‘jump the shark’ episode where Farnsy gives up backbreaking HRs will come soon enough. But until then, SAGNOF!
Joe Nathan/Matt Capps - How do you play Loser’s Poker? It’s something like this…..Nathan “I raise you 2 ER and a blown save.”. Matt Capps, “I see your 2 ER + blown save and raise you a loss on a walkoff HR!”.
Jamey Carroll – Don Mattingly knows greatness from the leadoff position from his days with Rickey Henderson. So it must be that much worse to have to pencil in Jamey Carroll as the leadoff hitter. Carroll barely qualifies for a MLB utility role but he did managed to go 2-4 with 2 runs and a SB last night – not to mention recite a punchy obituary list of ex-Dodgers (Steve was sniffing coke since he was just a rookie….)
Matt Kemp – Slam and legs! Now has 8 SBs and hitting well over .400. Memo to SAGNOFs – skip Rihanna and go collect knowledge from Davey Lopes.
Brian McCann - A 3 run HR off Nolasco. Hitting .340 with 9 RBIs, he’s one of the only expensive catchers (*cough* Mauer *cough*) who’s actually delivering. Hopefully the Braves sign a pitcher named Watson so fans can hear Chip Caray say “Watson-McCann“.
Randy Wolf - 6 2/3 shutout innings with 10 Ks and only 5 base runners. After a year and two starts of mediocre performance, I still think he’s a sheep underneath the uniform.
Phil Coke - 7-up, 7 shutout innings down against the A’s for his first win of the year and 2-for-2 in quality starts. I’m starting to get an Orange Crush on him.
Matt Holliday – 3 for 5 with 2 runs and 3 RBIs. LaRussa must’ve waxed on and off his appendix scar.
Huston Street – Blew a save. Rockies are saying he was tired from the previous day. I can agree to that. Healthy and well-rested, Street’s solid. Injured or unwell-rested and he’s not so good. BTW, I wait until the last game finishes to write these roundups. I really should move to Hawaii so I can do these roundups at a reasonable hour. Maybe I’ll live with the Victorinos. “Mmm, I love how you incorporated pineapple into this dish, Mrs. Victorino.”