Yesterday, Cliff Lee gave the line 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks to move his record to 6-7 in 190 innings. That’s to go with a 3.27 ERA and a 1.13 WHIP. If you had 7 wins as his over/under for the year with a full season of starts and without him being traded midseason to the Astros, you might win yourself a lot of money. If you doubled down with the bet, Roy Halladay’s ERA would be above 4. You’re buying drinks for him and Norm. This year, Lee’s Ks are a little off, but still well above 8 per nine and his xFIP is near 3. The only thing he’s missing this year is just the slightest bit of luck with wins and his ratios. For next year, he’s probably going to be drafted lower because of the lack of wins, but he’s every bit the fantasy ace. So I’m Cliff cravin’? Yes, and it’s a little known fact that the normal human height a thousand years ago was five-foot two and the most popular name on the planet was Bob. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer. Quick, Phils, bench him, trade for a veteran, do something! You have to stunt his growth! If they don’t figure out a way to get him out of the lineup, he does have two homers in the last four games and 3 in the last ten.
Evan Longoria – Sat out yesterday to rest because his legs felt heavy. I just had an idea. What’s the most helium a person can suck in? I bet Victoria Jackson knows.
Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Po’ Sawx. He was undone by an error, his bullpen and actually pitching to one of only two hitters in the Sawx lineup. C’mon, man, pitch around Pedroia and Ellsbury! Am I being obtuse?
Aaron Cook – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. In 87 2/3 IP, guess how many Ks Cook has? If you get it within 10 Ks, I’d be impressed. C’mon, anyone can look it up. Seriously, guess. Okay, take that number and divide it in half. Okay, take that number and subtract 30. Now take that number and subtract the number of siblings you have. Now take the number of candles that were on your birthday cake when you turned 19 years old and subtract the one for good luck. He has 19 strikeouts! Wow, that’s egregious.
Doug Fister – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Better get your stuff together, Fister, otherwise when you join Charlie Furbush and Rusty Kuntz for dinner, they’re gonna have no respectable name to give to the hostess.
Delmon Young – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs. He has 17 homers and a .273 average with zero steals. For his career, he’s averaging 56/13/67/.285/4 a season. That is the definition of yawnstipating. Will be fun when the Red Sox sign him this offseason and people get Sons of Sam Hornswoggled into excitement.
Dewayne Wise – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Hey, you don’t have to finish last Wise guys! For some reason, that was in my head in Annoying Orange’s voice.
Wade LeBlanc – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. Atlanta. TBS had scheduled Friends repeats during this game. Kill two birds, I guess.
Giancarlo Stanton – He might miss a few days due to soreness in his side. Side? Can’t you be more specific? Sounds pretty oblique. It’s all a little strange because this weekend when I was dressed as shrubbery and flanking Giancarlo from exactly 150 feet away, he looked fine.
Gorkys Hernandez – 3-for-5 with an RBI. Too bad he’s hitting .178 and he hasn’t stolen a base since mid-August. Will have to wait for next year for the release of Gorky’s Revenge!
Rob Brantly – 3-for-4, run and RBI and now has an 8-game hitting streak and is batting .343 in his 21 games played. Fresh out of the microwave, a catcher hot schmotato.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks and the conshellation prize. Here’s a real baseball question for you, Tim Hudson — Hall of Famer? He’ll finish his career with 200+ wins and probably has a “This guy has more wins during this very limited timeframe” case to be made. Now he just needs to throw a 10-inning shutout this postseason.
Dan Uggla – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. He’s certainly going to come at a discount next year. Or soitenly if Curly’s reading. The catch will be whether we can expect a bounce back. Looking at his stats, I’d say 27 homers is doable again, but I’m not sure if he’s ever going to hit .220.
Brian McCann – Out a few more days with tendinitis in his hamstring. Yesterday, Cortisone held a surprise retirement press conference. Cortisone said, “I’ve managed to fix everyone, even Ryan Zimmerman, but McCann… Well, I’ve decided to hang ’em up.”
Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4. ESPN had this player news for Scutaro, “He is absolutely unconscious right now.” Sweet, my middle infield slot is filled, but I have one slot for a somnambulist. He is hitting over .340 on the Giants and near .450 in the last week.
Sergio Romo – Got the one out save after Bochy pitched three relievers in the 9th inning. Okay, so Bochy is pitching every game like it’s the All-Star Game or a Little League game where everyone has to get in. Romo’s mom obviously complains more than the other moms about how many saves he gets.
Matt Capps – Will begin to face hitters and could be ready to return for the Twins final series. Whether the Twins lose 97 or 98 games this year is resting on your shoulders, Capps! Don’t let the good fans of Minneapolis down! Or the fans in its sister city, Eldoret, Kenya. BTW, there should be a sister city exchange program where all the residents of a city are switched into their sister city. I’m not exactly sure yet how to accomplish this, but it’s my offseason project. That and watching Breaking Bad.
Danny Espinosa – Getting an MRI on his shoulder and we won’t know the results until today. I was just thinking, they should give MRI results on the back of a Eric Stoltz headshot and call them the re-Stoltz. Just a thought.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. Eh, the M’s are also home until next week. You can probably do better. Look at me having faith in you!
Clayton Kershaw – On Tuesday, we find out if Kershaw needs hip surgery. If he does require the surgery, he won’t be back until mid-May of next year. All of the people that own Kershaw in keeper leagues will be meeting in the gymnasium. Coffee and cigarettes will be provided.
Hector Noesi – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Mariners should have Beltran pay to remove their Noesi.
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Hello, two start pitcher loveliness. Now take it to the Po’ Sox on Sunday and me love you long time.
Nate McLouth – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a solo homer. He now has 2 homers in the last three games. Nate The (kinda in the last three games) Great!
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his third homer in two games, now has his average up to .252 and 22 homers. That thing flying out your window is Ven’s Project Runway dress that looked like a used maxi pad. The thing in front of it was Wieters’s 2013 draft value that you can no longer afford.
Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t start yesterday due to a sore left hamstring. Supposedly, the Rockies aren’t too concerned. I wouldn’t either if my other star just missed five months. What’s the worst that happens to CarGo? Two weeks missed? Big whoop.
Jorge de la Rosa – In what should’ve been a 12 to 14 month recovery from Tommy John surgery, dlR will return on Thursday more than 15 months later after dealing with forearm tightness in his rehab. A pitch count will limit his start and fantasy value. In keepers, you gotta weigh the pros and cons with dlR. A big pro is a plus-sized girl at a brothel. A big pro for Rosa is he strikes out a lot of guys. A big con is this stupid 4-man rotation the Rockies said they might even use next year.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. On a serious note, no matter who’s pitching for the Rockies, they’re gonna be unownable next year if they’re limiting everyone to 75 pitches. I like Chacin, not when the Rockies are 5 inning chasin’… I sang that on The Voice and Blake turned around his chair. Oh, and you gotta love a guy that’s like “I want to break away from this stupid line dance song that I’m famous for so I’m gonna sing that same stupid line dance song.” I wish when the judges told him to sing something else, he sang The Hokey Pokey.
Yunel Escobar – Being investigated by the commissioner’s office for writing “You Are A Faggot” in eye black under his eyes. Either he’s shamelessly prejudiced or he needs to find someone else to apply his eye makeup.