Phils decided they wanted to get younger for Friday’s game so they’re bringing up this guy from the minors. They say he’s got good power, but he’s been playing first base on a foot stool. At least they could’ve got Ryan Howard one of those giant Rawlings glove bean bags. So Howard’s Achilles is better, but now the Phillies’ Achilles is they have to play him. If it’s not one arrow to the heel, it’s another, as they used to say in Ancient Greece. In weekly leagues, you may as well throw up a white flag with Howard because there’s no way he’s playing every day. You’re about to go nuts with sonavabenchings. In daily leagues, your challenge will now be to read Charlie Manuel’s mind when he’ll start him. I read Charlie Manuel’s mind once, here’s what I got, “Why isn’t there more places that serve raccoon meat?” For the rest of the season, I see him putting up a line of 25/12/35/.250. It’s basically Mark Teixeira’s 1st half without the counting stats. For those of you calling me a hater, I point to a picture of my son. (I hope one day Junior gets to meet his grandpappy.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Pedroia – Something wrong, I hold my head… Dusty gone, his finga dead. To my surprise, a guy replacing him has ten fingas as the only thing on his resume… Sawx decided on Punto universally… Sawx fans need a restraining order, they wouldn’t let Punto date their daughter… Their mother, brother, grandmother hate Punto in that Sawx order… Told the Sawx to take Youk back, we’ll be more supportive… I made mistakes, I bumped my head… Wait, my jersey don’t say Morneau under the back of my head… Unemployment line, fantasy trade declined… Did I not mention I was about to lose my mind?
Michael Fiers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers! Actually, you can, you can just pick him up off of waivers. It’s in your head now though, isn’t it? You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers will be on repeat in your head for the rest of your day. You’re gonna walk into a check cashing place with a $75 check made out to cash forged with your wife’s signature and you’re gonna be singing you couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers! Since he came up, I’ve been saying he’s the guy to go with for the here and now. Member, I liked him more than Eovaldi? Eh, whatever, you don’t need to remember. Or ‘member, if you wanna sound cool like me. He had a 9-ish K-rate in the minors and he has decent control. Fiers will be in this afternoon’s Buy, but you don’t need no stinkin’ Buys! Pick him up, honkey!
Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 with El Caballo taking his talents to South Beach. What does Carlos Lee and the ‘taking my talents’ phrase have in common? They’ve both have been beaten into the ground. Best case, El Caballo provides 2011 Gaby Sanchez stats. Worst case, his death provides the necessary adhesion for a fractured Marlins clubhouse. As for 2012 Gaby Sanchez, he’s a member of AAA once again. Don’t forget to ask about the discounts, Gaby!
Mark Buehrle – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Over the past 3 1/2 years, Buerhle has skated by with a K-rate below 5 K’s per 9 IP. In his last 3 starts (TOR, PHI, @MIL), he has struck out 7, 7, and 8. Did he finally look up ‘burly’ in the dictionary? Did Ozzie Guillen motivate him by calling him Jamie Moyer Jr.? We are as K-hungry as the next fantasy owner, but he’s the only Marlin starter with an ERA under 4.00 (3.25) and WHIP under 1.20 (1.13). Keep him on the radar for spot starts.
Jeff Karstens – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Astros. At a Fourth of July party, my friend was telling me this story about how he sold all of his stuff, except his nice TV (because really that’s the only thing guys care about) to move in with a girl, and then 18 months later she was out of his life and he was sitting on a milk crate, watching his plasma. This is gonna be the Astros. They’re gonna get to the AL and all their gonna have is Altuve and a milk crate. Maybe Altuve can stand on it when he plays 1st, but… He’s gonna be playing 2nd and throwing to himself.
Matt Harrison – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.10. On this week’s episode of Breaking the Magician’s Code: Magic’s Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed, we will look at Matt Harrison. “Hello, my voice has been modified so you can’t tell my identity and I’m wearing a Zorro mask and a cape, because I think it’s cool. Remember, I’m a magician. Matt Harrison throws in one of the worst ballparks for pitchers and he doesn’t strike out anyone out, so what’s his secret? Ground balls, and a magician’s best friend — smoke and mirrors. Well, I guess that’s two best friends. Oh, who are we kidding? Magicians don’t have friends.”
Jose Quintana – Dominated the Rangers in Chicago (8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks). He’s now at a 2.04 ERA in 57 IP and that’s including a start @NYY. He seemed like AL-only filler given his modest pedigree (hadn’t pitched above single-A in 4 minor league seasons) but he’s worth a flyer in all leagues until the league catches up with him.
Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. You’re pretty good looking for a Greek.
Rickie Weeks - 0-for-3. His AVG now stands at .193. He has 6 HRs and 99 Ks. He’d need a BABIP near .320 just to manage a .230 AVG at that current K-rate and HR-rate. On the positive side, he’s managed to stay healthy. So he’s got that going for him. Hey Rickie, ‘Disgraceful List‘ for you on Line 2.
Delmon Young – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer. Meathook Jr. has managed to have a season where he’s never been hotter than three days at a time while still batting .267. That ain’t easy to do. That’s a truckload of 1-for-4’s with a 2-for-3 thrown in once in a blue moon.
Darin Mastroianni – 3-for-4, 3 steals. How does one get the name Darin with that last name? Is Darin short for Daringiuseppe? He stole 45 bases one year in the minor leagues, but he also can’t get everyday playing time. Can’t get a full-time job on the Twins? You kiss your mother with that mother?
Brian Dozier – 3-for-4, 2 steals. Hitting .300 over the last week with 4 steals. For Brian, it doesn’t get rozier.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looks like the Dickey ride might be slowing up. Hopefully, he remembers it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the knuckler motion in the new Shea.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’m not a fan because of the pedestrian K-rate and he seems to Magoo his way around balls hit into play. Once again his ERA (3.41) is way below his xFIP (4.87) after last year’s 2.95 to 4.72, respectively. Or disrespectively to Fangraphs Database.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s also hitting ~.325 over the last week with a steal. He’s probably never gonna set the world on fire, but what do you need that for? You an arsonist?
Justin Christian – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a steal as he played over Blanco. He’s old for never really having major league time (32). Maybe Christian is born again. More likely he’s Justin a platoon, clouding Blanco’s playing time. Great, more decisions for Bochy to make.
Santiago Casilla – Blew yet another game on Thursday. He was looking like the cat’s meow there for a while, but now his dander is giving his owners outbreaks. Romo looks like the stuffy head, fever, can’t rest because Casilla keeps blowing games medicine, but I know in the past Bochy has been hesitant to use Romo in the role, even though he’s given up only 2 earned runs all year while K’ing 30 in 24 innings. Plus, he looks like the guy who helped train the ginger in Homeland. If you’re vulturing for saves or trying to handcuff your Casilla investment, you should grab Romo. The non-scientific reason why Casilla’s getting replaced? Rudy just traded Casilla for Yu Darvish and Rudy’s having a charmed season.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with a slam (15) and legs (9). According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s the number one shortstop on the year. Just ahead of Starlin Castro. How you like dem apples? Delicious!
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. This is neither funny nor illuminating, but if he could cut his Ks… Well, he’s on the edge of stumbling into greatness. BTW, Stumbling into Greatness would be a great title for Mary Decker’s autobiography. Or maybe Stumbling into a Trivia Question Answer.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 10th homer. I don’t own him anywhere, but I hope this is the start of something so people stop asking in the comments if they should drop him.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. I’m gonna rue this like McNulty rued pissing off Rawls, but when J.P. homers he usually hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Salvador Perez – Screw it, if I’m picking the catcher scab, I may as well really open the wound. Yesterday, Perez went 4-for-5, 2 runs and is now batting .425! Father, I must confess, I’ve committed a sin in my heart. I have Yasmani Grandal, but I’m lusting for Salvador Perez. If it’s any consolation, when I lust for Perez, I’m also thinking about crates of Dippin’ Dots slowly parachuting into Africa.
Jonathan Broxton – The Royals signaled to teams that Broxton’s available in a trade. Instead of the signal being a bat, for Broxton it was a giant booty. Holland looks like the speculative grab in case it happens.
Dan Haren – To the DL, saying his back has been sore all season. Great. 15 days of rest should clear that up. Maybe one of those hot stone massages will do the trick. As Rudy mentioned in the risky pitcher post, Haren was a lot riskier going into this season given he didn’t have a MPH to spare on his cutter (85 MPH in 2011) and that he was highly dependent on it for success. Well, another year older and a bad back doesnn’t help velocity and he’s a MPH lower across the board. Even with great control and craftiness, it’s hard to be a top 20 starter with an 88 MPH and a 84 MPH cutter. If you think he can come back in a couple weeks and find his old form, stash him. But it seems more likely he spends a longer time than the minimum on the DL or doesn’t regain his past speed. So if your DL is full, it’s not crazy to drop him.
Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 3 steals. Just another day at the office. That office’s door’s sign reads, “Mr. Wonderful.”
Tyler Colvin – Another day, another homer. He will be featured in what I like to call this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Pretty snappy, huh?
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. That should build a little bit of goodwill for any of you hold-outs to trade him.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-1 as he played his first professional game at 2nd base. Why? Because the successor doesn’t fall far from the predecessor.
Carlos Peguero – Mariners called him up yesterday. He showed good power in the minors, but he’s got K’s for days, as the kids say as said by someone who has no idea what the kids say. He might hit 10 homers the rest of the way with a .210 average. In AL-Only leagues, I’d take the flyer. Elsewhere, I’d hold.
Brandon Morrow – Yesterday, he threw from a distance of 150 feet on Thursday. The oblique pain is mostly gone, though he still feels it when he sneezes. One more reason to disallow pepper during practice.