Carlos Pena is out for the remainder of the season according to the St. Petersburg Times. My question is, why is a Russian newspaper reporting this? Guess my over under of 41 homers for Pena is gonna end just under at 39. One of these years, he’s going to have one of those lucky seasons and hit for .280 and everyone… My brain just tapped me on my shoulder and reminded me Pena had one of those seasons, it was in 2007. Oh, brain. What would I ever do without you? So now that Pena’s done, you’re going to need to grab some power — try Drew Stubbs — he’s out of his flippin’ mind. I keed. I’d try Andy Marte, Casey McGehee, Carlos Guillen, Mora or Juan Uribe, in that order. Marte will kill you on average though, so he’ll fit perfectly into Pena’s vacated spot. And, yes, I just sorta-kinda recommended Juan Uribe. No diggity! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Clayton Kershaw – Will miss a start with a bruised shoulder. Probably could’ve went if the Dodgers needed him to. Get used to news like this. Pitchers will be contracting all sorts of minor ailments in the last few weeks to miss starts as clubs try to keep their innings in check.
J.A. Happ – Out with an oblique strain. See 1/8 of an inch above for exact reason why he’s out.
Troy Tulowitzki – Aggravated his back. (That’s the last time he says he likes his torso better.) This is the opposite of the Kershaw news. Because the Rockies need Tulo, he’ll probably return to the lineup as soon as possible. Think two days. Now hope the power of positive thinking works.
Brett Gardner – Will split time in center with Melky Cabrera. (You ever own Melky, look at his name in your lineup, see M. Cabrera and think to yourself, “I have Miguel Cabrera playing outfield? That’s awesome!” Maybe it’s a symptom of having too many teams.)
Phil Hughes – Won his 6th game and now has a 3.07 ERA on the year. Hopefully, he’ll be more successful in his transition back to a starter than Joba.
Chris Carpenter – 1 hit shutout with 10 Ks. He has a 2.16 ERA on the year with 16 wins. His Ks are low, but if he can get his ERA under 2, it’ll be hard to deny him another Cy Young.
Kyle Lohse – Returns to the rotation on Saturday and gives Boggs the bullpen bump (alliteration in lieu of wit).
B.J. Upton – Returned from his ankle injury and picked up right where he left off with an 0-for-2 while hitting at the bottom of the lineup.
Juan Uribe – 2 HRs and 5 RBIs. He’s a terrible hitter, but even terrible hitters get hot. I know, that sounds like winning copy from the desk of Pete Campbell.
Jeff Manship – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. The Manship has landed and it’s filled with prawns yawns.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 1 ER. From perfection to mediocrity to quality start vs. the Red Sox. Don’t try and figure him out, it’ll make you mad… (…men reference two lines above. So I finally rented the first season of Mad Men. Hmm… maybe I listened to too much of the hype machine, but I was expecting a The Wire-type masterpiece. It left me wanting something more… Maybe a cigarette. Oh, and if you want to discuss the show in the comments, remember I’ve only seen the first season. Respect the guy who just rented Season 2.)
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 as he stole his 60th base yesterday. FYI, Jacoby Ellsbury is the first player to steal 60 bases with a law firm name, since Shorty Fuller of the 1890 St. Louis Browns. I got Shorty Fuller on retainer, see.
Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday. Look who decided to wake up from his two month slumber.
Kyle Davies – 5 IP, 11 baserunners, only one K and he gave up a homer. Guess how many earned runs he gave up. One! How is that even mathematically possible? I’ll need to ask someone at Elias Sports Bureau or Jayson Stark.
Billy Butler – 2 HRs yesterday. I really want him to tank in September so he’s a “sleeper” next year. (Sorry for the toolbag quotes around sleeper, but he won’t be a sleeper sleeper. Like an actual player who no one knows about next year, because I have a feeling The ESPN Hindsighter and every other Tom, Dick and Karabell will be touting him. So he’ll be a sleeper in the sense everyone says he’s a sleeper, so he no longer is. Then again, I thought people would jump on the Mark Reynolds bandwagon and no one did.)
Krispie Young – You probably hate him if you owned him earlier in the year, but he’s out of Coors and is still hitting homers. After three homers on Sunday, he hit another one yesterday.
Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 baserunners, 2 ER, 7 Ks. Now has five straight solid starts and a 3.12 ERA on the year. Under. Rated.
Derrek Lee – Since his birth of his son, he’s hit 4 homers, hitting his 30th and 31st homer yesterday. If only Lee were married to Octo-Mom.