Carlos Ruiz set to return from his suspension next week for testing positive for the ADHD drug, Adderall. He had this to say, “I look forward to getting back on the field–Hey, you ever wax your legs? I don’t mean remove the hair, I mean step into one of those vats of wax they have at carnivals that people put their hands in. It’s really cool! I have a rainbow wax leg! Like I was saying, I foolishly took a drug that is meant for people with ADHD– You think the Fonz can pound the wall to make my iPhone turn on? I dropped it into the toilet. You know, I wish butterflies and cows had babies cause I like butter on my steak. Ruth’s Chris does it right! Adderall is a very serious drug, and it should not be abused– When’s The Voice on? Monday? Is it Monday yet? Now? Now? Now?” So, Ruiz was wrong for taking Adderall as he obviously isn’t afflicted with ADHD. Last year in 114 games, he hit 16 homers and .325 with 4 steals. As of right now, he’s owned in less than 5% of leagues. If you’re struggling at catcher, it’s worth taking a flyer on him now. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jose Quintana – I told 456 people yesterday to pick him up, why weren’t you one of those people? Afraid of change? What do you do when you only have a twenty?
Tony Cingrani – I went over him this morning and went over him last week and went over him in an airplane.
A.J. Griffin – I would grab Alfredo Jettucine, but not start him for his next start in Fenway. Best case scenario, you get a solid ratio guy that you have to sit in tough match-ups on the road. The worst case scenario, he drunk dials your mom, they get into a time machine and Alfredo Jettucine ends up your father, and then you’re obligated to hold onto him no matter where he pitches or what he gets you for your birthday.
Chad Billingsley – HOW IS HE NOT OWNED IN MORE THAN 22% OF LEAGUES?! He’s just barely above average and he tends to have blow ups. Random Italicized Voice, thanks for being so thoughtful with your response. No problem, jackass.
Edward Mujica – Got the save yesterday after the Cardinals’ GM gave him a boost of confidence by saying Mujica is the “most senior guy” and “fearless.” He makes Mujica sound like the old guy in a biker’s gang that spits a lot and gets respect from everyone because he once slept with Dawn Wells.
James Russell – He’s in the Cubs closing committee with Shawn Camp and Kevin Gregg. Camp Russell Gregg was also were Jimmy Carter used to go so he could be alone to think about Cheryl Tiegs.
Francisco Rodriguez – It’s not that there’s that many closers losing their jobs this year so far, but the guys that are in line to vulture saves are ugly.
Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare ith hitting the thit out of the ball.
Oswaldo Arcia – I want Arcia on every team. Not necessarily to play. I want him on my bench in case he does play and breaks out. Here’s a scenario: you have Drew Stubbs, he plays relatively okay, but yawnstipates the pants off you. Or you have Arcia, he breaks out and is this year’s hot rookie pick up and everyone wants a piece of him, but you have him, which entitles you to the riches/spoils of fantasy baseball and a free night at the Schenectady Holiday Inn.
Adam Lind – Let’s just say last preseason I said Lind would be in the top 3 for AL MVP vote getting. Let’s also assume I wasn’t on any hallucinogenics. So, I’ve had crazy love for Lind in the past. He’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even face lefties, but he could be this year’s Brandon Moss and hit 25+ homers in 350 ABs.
Krispie Young – Somehow Billy Beane manages to strip all hitters of their value in the preseason because they’re all platooning, then inject value in all of them once the season starts. For serious, I wouldn’t want to be in a fantasy league with Beane.
Eric Young Jr. – SAGNOF!
Denard Span – He really shouldn’t be in the Buy/Sell. I mean, he is owned in less than 50% of leagues as of right now, but he shouldn’t be. He’s hitting over .300 and is on his way to 100+ runs and 30+ steals. I want to be in your league where he’s available.
Kyle Blanks – The other day, I asked for Topps to do a novelty card of Blanks and Altuve. Well, voila!
Domonic Brown – I know he hasn’t done much so far this year, but I still have high apple pie in the sky hopes for Brown, assuming he can play every day and his back isn’t hurting him too much.
Chris Denorfia – Starting in place of Maybin, hitting at the top of the lineup and looks good in a prom dress. You need more? You’re greedy!
Travis Hafner – If you just woke from a six-year coma, your keeper league had a solid week.
Chris Carter – He didn’t really do anything this week, but I saw he was only owned in 44% of ESPN leagues, so here he is. Don’t give me that crap that 50% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned either because it’s really 60%.
Chris Johnson – We’re gonna make two groups of people. One group of people come over on this side of the room with me and Chris Johnson. The other group, go on the other side of the room. Okay, people on the other side of the room, go a little further, a little further… Now make a right down that alley… Go ahead, Karen Hill, right down that alley, all the furs you could want.
Josh Donaldson – He can’t claim his father’s eyebrows, but he could hit for high-teen power and he’s currently slotted in as the A’s starting 3rd baseman. That means something since almost everyone else in that lineup is in a platoon.
Luis Jimenez – I picked him up briefly in the RCL, but had to let him go because I can’t hold anyone at the end of my team. If you have a less itchy trigger finger, here’s what I said the other day, “Jimenez is hitting .438 and has started every game since he was called up from Triple-A Salt Lake. Do they have good salt water taffy there? I wonder. Jimenez has 20-homer pop and could chip in some steals. In Triple-A in 2012, his line was 16 homers, 17 steals and .309. Sure, it was in the PCL, where it’s like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat, but I’d grab Jimenez for some upside in deeper leagues.” And that’s me quoting me!
Matt Adams – If you can find room on your bench for when he’s not playing, he’s a good grab. Thankfully, you don’t have to also build the bench to support him.
Juan Francisco – Too bad the Braves don’t have an extra spot in their lineup for Johnson, Francisco and Freeman, when Freddie returns on Monday. A spot for teams to just designate for hitters. Oh, wait, they will next week when Freeman returns. For three days at least they’ll be in an AL park, after being in Coors. That don’t sound so bad. Not as bad as my grammar sounds, at least.
Chris Nelson – After he was named this week’s Creeper, his ownership numbers went from 3.7% to 4.5%. We are the mighty, the true…An army of point-eight percenters!
Kelly Johnson – If you pick up a guy with a girl’s name, does that make you gay? Yes, if you’re in a bar. No, if he’s on waivers.
Conor Gillaspie – You should never give up your fantasy league in April. But, well, if you need to own Conor Gillaspie outside of AL-Only leagues, you might be in trouble.
Eric Sogard – Doesn’t his last name sound like a brand of protective cups? “You’re entering the karate championships of Lower Long Beach? You better have your Sogard up.” That was Sogard on QVC at 4:30 AM. Sogard doesn’t have much power or speed, but he does have a starting job. Yay, everyday at-bats!
Brandon Crawford – $5 says he was named after his mom’s favorite 90210 character. Five more dollars says his brother, ALF, was named by his Dad.
Matt Kemp – Now I wouldn’t trade him for a CD of Rosemary Clooney’s greatest hits. If you followed my rankings, you don’t even own Kemp, so this is for all of you that are finding me late or didn’t listen to me in March, but want to listen to me now, which seems doubtful. Wait, so who is this directed at? Three people who were incarcerated until March 31st, then got out of prison and drafted immediately? “Baby, I haven’t had a conjugal in almost six months, but I really gotta make my fantasy draft.” “A’ight, but don’t get your stupid ass arrested afterwards, I ain’t managing your team. You and your penchant for SAGNOF and armed robbery!” Kemp couldn’t swing a bat until January due to shoulder surgery, where he had his labrum re-attached. And here I thought that was only an operation for gymnasts. I think Kemp could eventually be fine, but you should look to see what kind of trade value he has while he gets himself right. You don’t want to get to July and realize your 1st round pick has the trade value of Jeff Keppinger (assuming Keppinger doesn’t start doing Adderall and steroids and turns into a hummingbird with Canseco’s forearms.)