TWIR Notes

Eric Stults – I loved him as Rocky Dennis. Is he some kind of wonderful? Eh.

Curtis Granderson – I’m not the first one to say this — this might not even be the first time I’ve said it, but he’s a really poor base stealer. I watched Izzy, who’s so slow to the plate Leyland went for a cigarette break during the windup, throw an off speed pitch to Jason LaRue and LaRue, who throws like he’s drunk or handicapped, still threw out Granderson at 2nd base.

Cliff Lee – Two words for you old-timers, Atlee Hammaker. In 1983, Atlee had 1.70 ERA going into the All Star game, then he gave up seven runs in 2/3 of an inning, including the first ever grand slam to Freddie Lynn. After the All Star game, he was never the same. Muahahahaha…. (Is it me or did that sound like campfire story from baseball camp?) BTW, Atlee actually wasn’t that bad after the All-Star break. But muahahahaha anyway…

Rick Ankiel – Hit two HRs yesterday. (Am I the only one who wants the Cardinals to go into the 18th inning of a game and bring Ankiel in to pitch?)

Kyle Kendrick – He’s 7-3. Johan Santana called, he wants his win-loss record back. (Here’s my October prediction. The Phils make it to the playoffs and Kyle Kendrick is something like 15-10. Then in the third game of the 1st series, Kendrick is shelled and Joe Morgan says, “Kendrick had a great season, but just didn’t have it today.” Can you hear the vitriol (Word of The Day) in my voice?)

Shawn Chacon – I read the recap of how he attacked Ed Wade, the Astros GM. I also read about their conversation before it all went down. What I didn’t read was what Chacon did immediately after the altercation. Here’s what I think went down post-altercation. Chacon into his cellphone, “Hey, Milton Bradley, it’s Chacon. Did you hear–” “I’m watching Passions.” “The soap opera?” “What do you want, Chacon?” “Well, I just had an altercation and I was looking for some spiritual guidance. It seems–” “Did I mention I was watching Passions?” “Should I let you go?” At that point, Milton Bradley hung up on Shawn Chacon. If anyone knows where Chacon is now, let him know there are people that care about him and to keep hope alive.

Cristian Guzman – The Nats gave him a contract extension. After the announcement, Guzman said this, “Suckas!”

Jonathan Sanchez – Dirty Sanchez doesn’t do him justice. His stuff his so nasty from now on he will be known as Filthy Sanchez.

Eric Byrnes – Prior to the Red Sox game, the Diamondbacks activated Eric Byrnes from the DL. This entailed letting him out of his body splint and dog cone that prevented Byrnes from reinjuring himself. After 30 minutes of stop-and-start sprints and pats on the heads from teammates, he was ready to go.

Emmanuel Burriss – With Omar Vizquel hitting .171, there are reports out of the Bay Area that Burriss might take the starting job. Mr. and Mrs. Poppadopolous are going to be so proud. Burriss is really fast so maybe he could deliver what Eugenio Velez promised this spring. Or not. You make the call!

Comment O’ The Week

From commenter knighttown explaining how he’s managed 0 HRs all year from his catcher spot. Yowzas!

“ -I wasted a second round pick on V-Mart.
-Now he’s taking up a DL spot for me which leaves me with 3 for 2 (Putz just sitting idle)
-Picked up Rod Barajas
-Sobered up and dropped Rod Barajas
-Picked up the “red-hot” Miguel Olivo
-He retired or something and got 10 AB’s in the 2 weeks I had him
-Picked up Jarred Salta-something-or-other
-Started him yesterday, went o-fer.
-Dropped him and picked up Ramon Hernandez…honestly, only because he was mentioned in today’s blog.

YTD summary, ZERO HR’s from catchers this year.”

New Glossary Entries

Click here for the full glossary.

Bernie Lomax – Well-paid dead weight. Often carried by more capable, younger teammates. See Richie Sexson, Andruw Jones, Todd Helton (lately), Barry Zito, etc. (full credit to BSUjam).

Blew Light Special – Waiver/Free Agent option who showed some promise but blew their opportunity. For example, Felix Pie, Bill Hall, any of the schmohawks from the Brave’s closing experiment, etc. (full credit to BSUjam).

Poo Poo Platter - What is served in a deep and/or competitive league when you scour the waiver/FA wire. When torn between Scott Hairston, Rajai Davis, Reggie Abercrombie, and the Artist Formally Known as Luiz Gonzalez for an outfielder, you know that you’ve hit the poo poo platter. (full credit to BSUjam).

Red Light Special – Waiver/Free Agent option that should never have been on clearance but the owner got too impatient. (full credit to BSUjam).

Willy Waiverez – A speedy hitless wonder who wavers from waivers to rosters depending on teams’ desperation for speed. (full credit to PWNightmare).

Extended Riffs

Grey with a sobering look into Josh Hamilton’s latest injury and recent history…

Josh Hamilton left yesterday’s game with a sore knee. Well, you knew the injury was coming at some point. The good news is he didn’t leave immediately so it couldn’t have been too bad, right? Um, yeah, hopefully. The bad news, he’s a recovering drug addict and as we all learned from Dylan McKay’s battle with drugs on 90210, addicts can’t take pain killers. This banged up knee should serve as a reminder to all of Hamilton’s fantasy baseball owners. He’s not only injury-prone, he doesn’t bounce back that quickly. Maybe it was the years of huffing? Maybe he sold his soul for a bag of rocks? Who knows. But at some point you might lose Hamilton to a more serious injury, don’t rely on him for everything.

TWIR Notes

Barry Zito – 5 R in 2 IP. SI.com informs us he’s not provided adequate value for his large free agent contract. Thanks, SI.com. I guess it could be worse – they could’ve put him on the cover and jinxed him. That prevented a maple bat from shattering and slicing his guitar strumming hand. Hey, Zito — stubble is for winners!

Kevin Kouzmanoff/Chase Headley - Sore back that could land him on the DL. Headley started at 3rd and hit a HR. Yo, Kouz, you’ve been Pipp’d. (Now Headley just needs to start another 2129 straight games. Just in case, we should call him Biscuit Pants.)

Nomar Garciaparra – Hit a home run and is due to be back next week as the Dodgers SS. Sounds like everything’s going right for Nomar, but he looked glum after the game. When asked why, he said, “I forgot to make Mia lunch. She’s gonna kill me.” Aw, Nomar. That’s a sad emoticon for you.

Chase Utley – He is 0 for his last 20. Just as disturbing, a cat in Philadelphia was left stranded in a tree as a little girl cried for help. We still believe in ya, Chase. It’s just a bad week, Champ, right?

Brad Penny – Hit the DL yesterday. Here’s what Alyssa Milano’s MLB blog update said today, “I told him to stop eating all of those fried foods and late nite meals at Mel’s Diner. When I was preparing for the roll (sic) of Charlotte Wells in Embrace of the Vampire, I ate only soba noodles for 2 months straight! Do u think I wanted to eat so much soba noodles? Well, actually…. Yeah! I did! (Wouldn’t u?) But even if I thought soba noodles tasted gross, I’d still ate (sic) them if I thought they’d help me stay in shape. BTW, I wasn’t the one who gave you herpes! L8 and <3!

Carlos Zambrano – Left the game with an apparent injury to his shoulder. Maybe it was the 3.7 million pitches he’s thrown in the last year or two.

Livan Hernandez – Movie trailer guy, “In a world where Livan Hernandez looks like a good replacement for Johan Santana… He’ll baffle you with his eephus! He’ll take his time with each pitch! He’ll avoid the foul line when walking off the field! George Lopez is Livan Hernandez!”

Bill Bavasi – We have a guy from Seattle in our cash league that always ends up with Mariners and even he admits Bill Bavasi is god awful. Let’s count the ways. Sexson to a monster contract. A rotation that includes Washburn, Batista, and a $10MM/per Carlos Silva. Paying off Adrian Beltre after a career year. Jose Vidro at DH. Extension for a Japanese catcher that his pitchers don’t like throwing to. I’d let Bill Bavasi into any of my cash leagues next year…except for a Razzball one…he’s a natural.

Comment O’ The Week

From commenter Jeff responding to comments on the Yanks picking up Sidney Ponson and building a restaurant chain in the right field section of the new Yankee Stadium

“Hopefully Sidney Ponson just became the highest paid waiter at the Hard Rock Cafe.”

New Glossary Entries

Click here for the full glossary.

; (Semicolon) - Bartolo Colon. A punctuation mark signifiying a pregnant pause – one that should be taken literally and figuratively before starting this former Cy Young Award winner who is clearly half the pitcher he once was (talent-wise, anyway). (full credit to BaronVonVulturewins)

Disgraceful List – What DL stands for when a player goes on it after a conspicuously bad run of hitting/pitching. See V-Mart, Ian Snell.

Dr. Freeze – Nickname for Dr. James Andrews as anyone going to see him is going to be on ice for 12-18 months. Francisco Liriano went to Dr. Freeze in 2006 and he’s still not fully thawed. See Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame. (assist to BSUjam).

Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame – When a player gets hurt and is going to be on ice for a long time. “You can tell by the way the pitcher was clutching his elbow that he was going to be hanging’ with Teddy Ballgame for a year or so.” See Dr. Freeze.

Jockular Sphincteritis – Any injury from sack to back that initiates laughing and wincing at the same time. See Kaz Matsui’s anal fissures, Carlos Guillen’s raging hemorrhoids, Felix Pie’s testicular torsion (assist to KarlJ)

Extended Riffs

On Chein Ming being injured all summer Wang

Chien Ming Wang is out at least 6-10 weeks with a foot sprain. (Yes, Wang limp until September.) Drop Wang. Drop him now. Definitely a blow for the Yanks. (Yes, usually Wang takes blow, not dealt one.) If you were counting on him to pitch you to the fantasy pennant, you’ve got bigger issues. (Yes, your Wang problems are “big” issues.) Who are the Yankees turning to? Dan Giese. The new Yankee starter is a 31 year old phenom who has pitched for the Phillies and Giants affiliates the past two years. Did we say phenom? We meant journeyman. But he had been a reliever who was known to have good stuff. The Yanks made him a starter and his AAA numbers this year were fantastic – 59 IP, 1.98 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, 51/14 K/BB. Maybe he’s the next Aaron Small or Shawn Chacon? Or at least another Darrell Rasner.

TWIR Notes

Khalil Greene – Rudy seems convinced the phonetically irrelevant “h” is throwing off his timing. I think it’s karma for being the only ugly mulatto person in the world. His early season struggles may just be one of the universe’s many unanswered questions along with, “Does God poop?” Either way, I think Greene’s overdue to turn it around.

Homer Bailey – Maybe Ankiel can show him how to swing the bat.

Victor Martinez – Will undergo MRI on his inflamed elbow. I think if you’re going to concoct an injury because you haven’t hit a home run in two months, you’d take the lie a little further than an inflamed elbow. Can’t he cook up a conspiracy that Jim Leyland passed around small pox infested blankets to all the Indians? That would explain Pronk’s year as well….

Andy LaRoche – My James Loney has a first name — it’s P-L-A-T-O-O-N. LaRoche’s here and he hit a home run. The Dodgers are only starting him against lefties for now. Add him to the marginal 3B pile.

Dodgers – Furcal’s now rumored to be out until the All-Star Break. Schmidt smells like sourdough toast. Andruw would be shot if he was a horse. Nomar is more fragile than Alanis Morisette after a breakup. That’s 4 of your top 5 in Dodger salary. Hell, Juan Pierre is a relative bargain at $8MM/per….

Rocco Baldelli – Is playing in extended spring training. What is extended spring training? Is this like after hours clubs that always have the “most slammin’ music” and the “most bangin’ ladies” then when you show up it’s 30,000 Asian dudes with glow sticks drinking energy drinks.

Jonathan Broxton – Saw him bat yesterday. Member the show Mama’s Family? Imagine Mama with a bat.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he thinks he can play through his shoulder tear. I think he says this all the way up to next April, then he reinjures it next year and finds himself having surgery that has him out until 2010. Ryan, “I’m completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfect!”

Kyle Lohse – 7-2. The “h” in his name is like a precarious Jenga piece. At some point it will be pulled out, his success will collapse, and all he’ll do for your team is Lose.

Jason Giambi – 14th home run. Much like Ron Jeremy, Giambi sports a ’stache, swings a big bat, and appears out of shape and over the hill.

Jose Guillen – Just in case you missed it, he hit 3 HR and 9 RBI over the weekend at Yankee Stadium. That’s now 9 HR and 45 RBI for the year (albeit with 25 R and .262 AVG). Between this and Milton Bradley’s triple crown run, 2008 is shaping up as the year of the crazy. Jose had a incredibly silent 23/99/.290 last year in Seattle after some troubles in Washington, but he’s worth taking a flier on if he’s hanging around on the FA wire. BTW, how incredibly dull is Carlos Guillen in comparison to Jose and Ozzie Guillen? Jose and Ozzie Canseco were pretty nutty too.

Comment O’ The Week

Compelling written and visual arguments from pOrk burn that Jamie Moyer is a Galapagos tortoise:

…the Tortiose lacks the force of the mighty Mississippi and instead relies on a slow, methodical approach to life and crusty outer shell to get him through times. With an expected lifespan of 150-200 years, the Tortoise will still be pitching his 73 MPH changeup when our kids are putting in waiver claims for Volquez II…

New Glossary Entries

Click here for the full glossary.

Fucking Your Stepsister – Rooting for your fantasy player when he faces your favorite team. While it may be tempting and you can try all you want to justify it, you know its incestuous. (assist to Razzball commenter PWNightmare)

Fumethrower – One-time flamethrowing reliever that continue to pitch after they can no longer throw the gas. Some have been known to coast downhill for years. See Trevor Hoffman, Troy Percival, Jose Mesa. (assist to Razzball commenter Get Figgy With It)

Leftosaurus – A lefty pitcher over 40 years old that gets by on craftiness and 8 variations of changeup. Prone to the homer ball and hitting the showers before the 7th inning. See Jamie Moyer, Tom Glavine. (assist to Razzball commenter pOrk burn)

MR. B (Middle Reliever Believer) - A fantasy baseball player that loves middle relievers to a borderline unhealthy degree for speculative saves and ERA/WHIP help. “Hey Mr. B – how long you going to waste bench spots on Zumaya and Rodney?” (full credit to Razzball commenter IowaCubs)

Sonavabench! – Exclamation when one sees that a player on their bench has had a monster day. Can also be used as a noun or adjective. “David Murphy just hit 2 HR but I didn’t start him today – sonavabench!” “It doesn’t matter what I do – my team is a spiteful sonavabench”. “Shoot me now – my fantasy team just had a killer sonavabench day.” (assist to Razzball commenter pOrk burn)

Tootise’d – Jinxed so bad the guy might die. Origin, In honor of Sidney Pollack, who Grey mentioned in a post then he died the next day.

Extended Riffs

Grey pontificating on his ’stache and Pujols’ injury

I don’t el-oh-el. It’s kinda girly. I don’t emoticon. It’s seriously not how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache rocks tight white shorts with his balls hanging out and does not care. That’s how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache doesn’t listen to Jack Johnson. A man with a ’stache drafts Ryan Zimmerman and then drops him just after the draft — Just. To. Prove. A. Point. That’s what a man with a ’stache does. A man with a ’stache cries when his vinyl collection falls out of his El Dorado on the way to his DJ gig. A man with a ’stache also cries when he loses Pujols to the DL. I am so effin’ effed in the effin’ Poo-hole. I’m praying he returns in three weeks like the Cards are saying. I’m hoping he doesn’t make a two column list with Pros and Cons on why he should just have elbow surgery while this other setback mends, because I know if I were making that two column Pro/Con list, I’d probably opt for surgery. I really think he might be gone for the year.

Inspiring Jake Peavy on his first start off the DL (btw, it worked!)

Jake Peavy is scheduled to start on Thursday. Despite the fact that Peavy’s been on the DL for much of the year and the whole offense blows except for A-Gonz and Brian Giles’ OBP, San Diego is only 7 games back of Arizona. But just in case Jake was feeling nervous, we thought we’d calm him down with some inspiration from claymation canine Goliath (if this doesn’t ring a bell, watch the YouTube video first.)

Jake Peavy plaintively looking around the San Diego locker room at his teammates.

Goliath: Whatcha looking for, Peeeaveeey?
Jake: Goliath, do you see any hitters in this locker room?
Goliath: It matters what you mean by a hitter, Peeaveeey.
Jake: These people keep telling me that we have an offense but I look around and they all suck except for Adrian Gonzalez.
Goliath: That’s not a nice thing to say.
Jake: I know, Goliath. I guess I’m just nervous.
Goliath: Why is that, Peeeaveeey?
Jake: It’s just…I’m coming off a fairly long DL stint and my only practice was against my teammates. I’m afraid I’ll give up more than 1 run and then I won’t have a chance to get a win.
Goliath: Oh Peeeaveeey. Well I know a lot of fantasy baseball teams count on you and they realize you probably won’t win because the Padres offense is damned on account of Khalil Greene believing in a cockamamie religion.
Jake: Cocka-what?
Goliath: But if you give them 10 Ks and 3 runs or less in 7 IP, they’ll be very happy.
Jake: You really think so, Goliath.
Goliath: I know so, Peeeaveey. Now get off my DL and earn me some stats.
Jake: You got it, Goliath!

TWIR Notes

Brett Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 hit. Gets the loss. If anyone can console him, it’s his girlfriend. She’s used to getting beaten with one hit.

Jhonny Peralta/Khalil Greene – I had these two schmohawks rated about the same in the preseason. Well, I got that right. Nice zerho for six night, Jhonny, when your team scores 15. I’m never picking a guy with H as his second letter in his first name unless it actually makes phonetic sense.

Albert Pujols – Left the game in the 4th inning due to calf tightness. Early reports of a hairline fracture were later corrected to a hairline recession.

Erik Bedard – Another bad start for the best Canadian pitcher in the game. Buy him now as the hockey season is almost over so he’ll stop being distracted. Just make sure Alanis Morissette or Bryan Adams aren’t playing in the same city where he’s pitching.

Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.

Jimmy Rollins – Was benched for not running out a popup. By that logic, Pat Burrell should’ve been benched for the last three years.

Chris Carter – From the man that brought you Cancer Man, now comes a lefty slugger that should get some opportunities against righties while Papi mends. He’s worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.

Bartolo Colon – Now 3-0. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff…. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Negro League Draft – Dave Winfield helped organize a ceremonial draft where Negro League players were picked as honorary members of MLB teams. Very touching. It must be a special day for all these players as they approach their twilight years. The biggest applause was for Atlanta’s pick. A middle infielder known for his distinct batting stance and line drive power. His name is Julio Franco.

John Smoltz – Excerpt from his news conference: “I don’t ever want to stick around throwing 85 MPH and trying to paint corners like a little bitch. Oh, hey Tom…didn’t see you there…”

Justin Masterson – 6 innings of 6.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP isn’t that exciting but he got the win against your 1st place Rays. With Dice-K on the DL, he’ll likely get another start or two. Depending on the matchup, he could be worth a flier. Based on recent Sox pitching prospect history, there’s an 100% chance Masterson throws a no-hitter in his next couple of starts. On a more tragic note, there’s a 50% chance that he has cancer.

Comment O’ The Week

This week’s riff is from all-star commenter Baron Von Vulturewins. Enjoy…

Before yesterday’s Philadelphia-Cincinnati game, Jay Bruce approached Cole Hamels.

Bruce: I know you’ve been struggling, buddy.

Cole: It’s true. I never should have cut my mullet. I mean, it was only a trim! But still.

Bruce: Tell you what. I’ll go oh-fer today.

Cole: Really? You’d do that? For me?

Bruce: Sure.

Cole: Thanks, man. This means a lot to me.

Bruce: I’m going to hit 3 HRs against that Andrew Miller gimp tomorrow though. Screw him.

Cole: Yeah, man. Sure. Whatever. Thanks again.

Bruce: Not a problem. (About to walk away; turns back.) By the way, your elbow’s a little wonky.

Cole: Really? I don’t feel –

Bruce: (waves hand) There you go. Don’t worry about it. See ya round kid.

Cole: See you — hey, where did he go?

FIN

New Glossary Entries

Click here for the full glossary.

Analcysts – Ex players hired by ESPN that provide discomfort for fellow baseball analysts and the viewing audience. Prone to obvious observations “Dunn is strong!” or circular arguments like “He’s a good player because he knows how to play good in situations where it’s important to be good. And that’s why he’s a good player.”

Cleveland Streamer – When a pitcher you picked up for a stream start craps all over your team’s stats. “I picked up Wakefield because he was going against the Royals and he gave me a Cleveland Streamer. It’s going to take a week to clean the mess he left on my ERA and WHIP.” (assist to Razzball commenter Hank)

Cuddle Boy – Relievers who are good with holds but fail anytime they try to close. See Rafael Betencourt, Kyle Farnsworth, the kid from American Virgin who pays for the abortion of a girl his friend knocked up and then, when she’s recovered, goes back to that guy.

FEMAs – Closers that are paid to provide relief but are woefully equipped. Rumored not to care about black people.

Flat-Billed Pitchypus – Rare species of pitcher whose hat brim is perfectly flat and either covers their full forehead – exposing only glaring eyes – or is tilted to the side. This species is prone to early success and a quick fade once the shock has warned off. See Dontrelle Willis, Chad Cordero.

Futility Player – Someone eligible for multiple positions but doesn’t warrant a starting position in any – e.g., Marlon Anderson, Brendan Ryan, Marco Scutaro, Ramon Vazquez etc. Tony LaRussa hearts these players.

Kazaams – Situations where talented closers are brought into a non-save situation and have no idea how to act.

Rip-Cord – Chad Cordero. Any team with him at this point in his career can only plummet. Pull him to ease your landing.

Roofie – A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.

Wickmen – Joe Borowski, Todd Jones, etc. In honor of Bob Wickman.

Extended Riffs

On the Rays/Sawx brawl:

When James Shields swung and missed his haymaker yesterday during the Sawx/Rays brawl, Coco should’ve totally spun him around and gave him a springboard splash to the solar plexus. Then once Shields was down, Coco could’ve laid him on top of the Spanish Announcer’s table and dropped the big ‘bow. But, alas…it was Coco Crisp not Koko B. Ware. Then three innings after the brawl, Manny tweaked a sore hammy and left the game. As he was limping through the dugout, Manny gave Youuuuuuuuk a solid shove. This was heard right before Manny shoved him. Youkilis, “You know with Big Papi on the DL…if you want to teach me the handshake you do with him, I could try to fill in…” Manny, “You’re not my real Papi! I hate you!” *shove* In the next inning, this transpired: Youk, “Sorry about that Manny. I have this extra Chupa Chup lollipop….” Manny, “Gimme! He he he… Thanks, Millar.” Youk, “We talked about this… My name is… Oh forget it.”

On David Ortiz going on the DL:

David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ’sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….

David Ortiz – you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup – ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay – homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade – give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty – that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!