Besides our long, terrifically, lively adverbially-amazing debate on Miguel Cabrera and Mike Trout, we also talk about things that are related to baseball like trying to secure a threesome with your fiancee and the salesmen at Best Buy. I almost said salespeople, but decided against it because I’m old school. My dog attacks my mailman, my mother slept with a milkman that had a thick, luscious mustache and the cable guy needs to come out so I can have a TV in the bathroom. Also, Nick and I talk about Adam Jones, because Nick’s trying to make me look smart. No problem there, boom bip with a brother named Grey on the IQ-tip and I’m ready to flip. Also, we talk about European herb-based digestives. If you have an ulcer because of your fantasy team and are a drunk, you’ve come to the right place! Oh, and Rudy doesn’t make it on this podcast because he was at a Memorial Day picnic, showing other fathers how his kid nests in his afro. Elsewhere on the podcast, JayWrong comes on to discuss how his bold preseason predictions aren’t looking so crazy, and JayWrong trademarked the plus sign. So, anytime someone writes something like Everth Cabrera will steal 120+ bases, JayWrong gets a nickel. Sky got the day off from working at Biff’s Blowup Doll Emporium, so he was able to join Nick and discuss why Liriano, Pedro Alvarez and Adam Lind are good buys. Also Sky is cheap and his drink of choice is whatever’s on the bottom shelf, depending on the height of your bartender. Finally, JB, the new Daily Fantasy Report Roving Reporter (aka the new Scud Stud), comes on to brag about his hits from last week and who to check out in this Friday’s contest. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with me cracking brilliant, even if I need a spellchecker for the word brilliant):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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I sat out this podcast. Now, now, don’t boo like Justin Bieber just won an award. It should be about the craft that we’re making, and… this is not a gimmick, this is not a gimmick. This is about our Player Pages. What I like most about the Player Pages is that they give me another reason to not go to ESPN. The second reason is they are designed strictly for fantasy baseball. I love what Fangraphs offers, but it’s for a baseball perspective. Sometimes you can’t see the fantasy forest because of all of the baseball trees. I want to know how a player did most recently — their ten game and thirty game log. I want to know their position rank, according to preseason and season to date, and not just for ESPN or Yahoo, but both. Not just for 10 team, 12 team or AL or NL-Only leagues, but all of them. I want to know how well someone is vs. righties and lefties. I want to what their next week looks like and what pitchers they are gonna face. I want to know how well they will do vs. how well they just did. I want to know the future, basically. That is all there. While it has its place, it doesn’t matter for fantasy how well, say, Juan Francisco did in Colorado in April when we get to June. If it’s more than 30 days away, who cares for fantasy? I want to know how well he’s going to do tomorrow or this weekend, or what he’s done for the last week. I want to know if I own Kyle Seager in my 14-team ESPN league where is he a positive (runs) and where is he a negative (steals). While it’s interesting that Seager had 174 ground balls in 2012, this doesn’t do anything for me without calculations. Those calculations have been done. If you’re curious how many homers Hank Greenberg hit in 1938 (58), cool, but these Player Pages won’t help you. If you want to know the exact predicted line of John Gast for his next start, these Player Pages will help you. Also, on today’s podcast, Smokey joins up to discuss bullpens in flux and late night munchies. Nick tries to convince Smokey that Skittles should have their own line of sodas and I think that’s the most brilliant thing Nick has ever said. Agreed, Nick, I want to drink the rainbow! JB joins Nick to discuss his posts for the Play with Rudy from Razzball over at DraftKings and how the new tools give you an unfair advantage when playing against the masses. Then Rudy and the Hitter-Tron and Player Pages. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Rudy dropping knowledge on your head):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Nick came to Rudy and me with an idea for a show where we present a scenario for a fantasy team and through our sheer energy, not unlike the pantyhose, we come up with a solution for your team. A team we do not know at all, but can sense is struggling. We’re helping you, hermit, who lives in the basement of his mother’s house and is too shy to ask a question in the comments even if it’s completely anonymous. In fact, we are slow clapping for you right now. You can’t hear it, but it’s giving you the self-confidence you need to get a job at the local Dairy Queen and ask Cindy out on a date. Not that Cindy! She’d never date you! I’m talking about the Cindy who should be more “proactive.” We are not just saving fantasy teams here, we are saving lives! On today’s show, we go over the trades I made to get David Price and Adrian Beltre. I’m a trading fool! But, most importantly, we touch on what you should do if you’re struggling in average (or Ks or power or saves or pitching ratios). Guys that you can trade for to fix your teams. Rudy also uses a word that no one knows, including him, but we’re playing a Five-Dollar Word drinking game and he’s trying to get me drunk. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with more elucidation):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jon Wertheim, arguably the smartest person we’ve ever had on the show, joins us to discuss a wide variety of sports topics including, ‘Why a .299 hitter is more valuable than a .300 hitter?’ Must be some sort of Algebraic Number Theory… or maybe he’s a communist. We also discuss his book Scorecasting, which is kinda like Freakonomics meets Moneyball. Nick’s community college education led to great questions like, “Are we still talking about baseball?” and “When’s lunch?” There’s so much non-fantasy baseball talk in this fantasy baseball podcast that you would think we’re a non-fantasy baseball podcast posing as a fantasy baseball podcast. We are not poseurs, which is a funny word to hear someone pronounce the moment they realize it’s not spelled poser. Some of the topics Rudy and I discuss are Marcell Ozuna, the Marlins wunderkind, which means child prodigy so I’m not sure why it’s not wunderkid — I got spelling questions, y’all! The Hitter-tron is tackled and when is that thing gonna finally be ready and we discuss Strasburg. He hurt, yo? Our favorite segment that we’ve only done once before also returns with, “Who are you picking up in this league or that league?” Finally, I read a question from the comments. It could be yours! (It’s probably not.) Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with Jon Wertheim talking about smart stuff and Nick nodding, which makes great radio):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rudy loves him some Bryce Harper, but don’t we all (now)? The question on March 20th from Brandon Funston was, “(You picked) Bryce Harper, Round 1, Pick 13 … That’s about 20 picks higher than the brilliant (sic) minds that compose the Yahoo! ADP. Would you please tell our constituents why they are selling Boy Wonder short? What is a realistic best-case roto line for Harper in ’13?” Besides Harper, our team in F&F looks putrid right now, so there’s that. So There’s That, Part II: There’s More; Our ERA is at a one and WHIP is at a one due to Marmol and Axford crapping the bed, then asking us to sleep in said bed, but we own Verlander, so we should get better. In the podcast, Rudy goes over where he’d draft Harper now if he had the chance. SPOILER ALERT: It’s top five. We also go over some other hot out-of-the-gaters (Chris Davis, Dexter Fowler, Mike Napoli and Shin-Soo Choo), go over our Arenado fantasy in the spoken form after doing it in written form yesterday, and Rudy takes his metaphorical scalpel to Matt Moore and Clay Buchholz. “I will slice you!” That’s Rudy waving his metaphorical scalpel near anyone that badmouths the Stream-o-Nator. JB “Big Biscuit” Gilpin talks about Tony Cingrani. Also, Biscuit takes a moment to note that his preseason prediction that Ryan Dempster would have mixed league value doesn’t look so crazy now. Or does it, Overlord Grey? Did I just make a rhetorical question to myself or am I supposed to answer that? The Guru was supposed to join us for another addition of ‘Jam It or Cram It,’ but he got lost at sea on a Lobster Boat and had to be rescued by fellow Maine resident, Stephen King. We haven’t actually heard back from The Guru yet, but we keep getting emails from “Annie” who asks “Why did you Cram Jackie Bradley Jr.?” and “What type of paper do the Razzball writers prefer?” Quick note: Nick says to remind everyone that the NFL Draft Football Podcast will be posted on Thursday. Football’s the one they play with only their feet *checking notes* Yup, that’s right! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Rudy in eye black):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rudy couldn’t join us yesterday because he was under the weather, but JayWrong (Is it Jaywrong or JayWrong? I always get mixed up.) and LT (or is it Tehol?) are on the show. On my segment, Nick and I talk about Jayw(W)rong’s fearless prediction on Bryce Harper. Don’t you love how fantasy baseball ‘perts get courage points for predicting baseball stats? Hey, Fireman, how about you saddle up to the bar and get me two Coronas while I steal your girl from you with my fearless baseball stat prediction? Imagine an Iraqi War vet also made fearless baseball predictions. You win, man! Take my Cougar; her vagina is yours! Nick and I also talk about slow starts from some guys you were hoping would be your ace… Hey, David Price, Cole Hamels and Matt Cain, I’m talking to you, could you stop defecating on my fantasy baseball team? I thank you profusely. Of course, we talk about Josh Rutledge because I have a tattoo of his name and it’s still a little sore. Finally, what good would a fantasy baseball podcast be without us tackling Justin Upton. Literally, we take the podcast on a remote to Atlanta and tackle Upton so he stops hitting homers for everyone but us. How do I rank him so damn high in the preseason and not draft him anywhere? Ugh, Grey, you gotta step up your game and talk more in 3rd person. Grey knows, Grey knows. Oh, and for that age-old Gif question — a gif. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with me hatin’ the haters and playin’ on the playas (that’s beaches in Spanish)):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This week in Razzball Podcast entertainment we were joined by JB “Big Biscuit” Gilpin, who reviewed the film, 42. JB majored in film in college, so he was very excited to get to finally use his degree. Since I hold a Master of Fine Arts, I don’t critique the film. I simply wear an all black spandex suit like I’m on Sprockets and smoke a cigarette from one of those really long cigarette holders. I’m artistic, that’s the picture you should be getting here. Nick emailed me saying, “JB’s mom texted me after to tell me JB only needs 471,902 reviews to pay off those student loans.” Not totally sure how that works, since he wasn’t paid for this one. Does he review 471,901 then is paid $36,000 for his final one? Are the last six worth $6,000 apiece? I’d like to know how this works. Or would at least like to understand Nick’s joke. Smokey also joined the Nickster and looked at some deep waiver wire adds, but since they both forgot to take their Adderall, it just became deep waiver wire ADD. Finally, Rudy and I discuss some underperforming studs and whether Giancarlo will ever see another pitch in the strike zone. Anyone who has abandoned Giancarlo in his time of need will be quarantined until he hits 20 homers in a month and then you will be sacrificed to the Giancarlo God. Y’all have been warned! Nick also told me to link to the Draft Kings contest thing again, so there’s that. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with 18% more Giancarlo denial by me):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Momma Albright was visiting so I wasn’t able to get on the fantasy baseball podcast this week. Momma said to me (like she just got off the boat from Italy in 1930), “Grey, you do the podcast, I’ll make-a-you gravy.” I said, “No, momma, it is okay, I’ll spend time with you, and burn the bunions off your feet while Nick and Rudy podcast.” “My bunions do bother me — ah, my boy! For your love, I will leave with you one of my bingo hummels.” I did get to listen to the podcast afterwards and let me be the first to say… *kissing my fingertips, making muah sound* On today’s podcast, new Razzball writer and 1990’s deejay, aka the “Guru,” takes us thru some 90’s music flashbacks (Milli Vanilli, ‘N Sync, NKOTB and more!) and we “Jam It or Cram It” on where to hold or not hold certain players (Jackie Bradley Jr., Parra, Cowgill, Just Peachy Arencibia, Flowers). (By the by, I think the Guru was a real radio deejay, not one of those deejays you hired for your bar mitzvah and they asked you if you wanted them to bring hula hoops for an extra $50.) Also, on today’s podcast JayWrong and Nick discuss his bold predictions. ‘Wrong is officially the first fantasy baseball prognosticator to have more than one bold prediction regarding the Padres. The Padres themselves don’t even have such high hopes. Finally, Rudy and Nick discuss how Rudy was up until 3am trying to get the Stream-o-Nator working, but it seems the Astros are so bad they’re mucking up the system. Don’t cry for Rudy, it wasn’t 3 AM EST. Central Time Zone — pfft! BTW, the Draft Kings thing is going off in two days, so if you wanna do that there ya go. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (without yours truly):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Didja hear? Games started. Yeah, no foolin’. There was practically a full slate of games yesterday, but we didn’t talk about any of them on the podcast. The bumper sticker on our podcast reads, “We’re timely for a section of Africa that doesn’t have internet.” Yes, we have a long bumper. That’s what she said! Huh? On today’s podcast, we are joined by our prospect writer, Scott Evans (depending on what name Nick introduces him by — it changes on the daily) as he talks about Jose Fernandez and we’re also joined by Tom, our OPS guy, as he talks about closers. Why closers and not OPS? I think Nick just thought OPS stood for give him opportunities. Then Rudy and I take over the ‘cast and we drop on your unkempt ears some players to pick up in 12 team mixed leagues, 15 team mixed leagues, NL-Only and AL-Only. I try to work in some of my beautiful singing… Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t try to work in a song. I sing a song for the better part of the podcast. One song– Nay, one chorus, for 15 minutes. As a youth, I was in the Jewish Tabernacle Choir. Our motto was, “Why do the Mormons gotta have everything not-fun?” So, you’ll enjoy that. We also tackle some hard-hitting questions like, “Why you trading away your whole team, yo? You just drafted them,” and spring takeaways. I prefer Chinese takeaways, but that’s just me. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now in a key of B-flat):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, there’s this thing called conference call, and… We used it! You = mind blown. That’s right all of you out in Razzball nation, Rudy and I are now on the podcast together. At one time. From different locations. Thank you, technology, now if I could only record one program while watching another one. You can. Hardy har, Random Italicized Voice, like I’m gonna fall for that one. Whatevs. We’re also joined by Razzball’s resident heartthrob, Tehol. He’s one part man, one part warlock, one part sass, two parts frass, three parts John Cena’s “You can’t see me” hand gesture thing, one part… How many parts is that? Eight? That’s it for Tehol. Today’s podcast is all about predictions for 2013 fantasy baseball. We go over who we think is gonna be the fantasy Cy Young, MVP, Rookie of the Year and Bust. Of course, I mention Giancarlo and Josh Rutledge five times in the first 12 seconds. That’s including six weird um’s, so it’s quite a feat. I just had a great idea! We should get Lazaro, the stuttering American Idol contestant, on the podcast to make all of us sound better. It’s addition by subtraction. By the by, this is the worst season of American Idol, and I’ve only watched it twice before. When Mariah is the most well-spoken judge, y’all need a makeover! Finally, Jonah Keri, Grantland baseball writer, took time from writing his book on the Expos and was on the podcast. Go buy his previous book, which was a NY Times bestseller. It’s about the Tampa Bay Rays. If you’ve bought the book previously, buy it again and give it as a gift. Mother’s Day is right around the corner! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with conference call):

Please, blog, may I have some more?