Momma Albright was visiting so I wasn’t able to get on the fantasy baseball podcast this week. Momma said to me (like she just got off the boat from Italy in 1930), “Grey, you do the podcast, I’ll make-a-you gravy.” I said, “No, momma, it is okay, I’ll spend time with you, and burn the bunions off your feet while Nick and Rudy podcast.” “My bunions do bother me — ah, my boy! For your love, I will leave with you one of my bingo hummels.” I did get to listen to the podcast afterwards and let me be the first to say… *kissing my fingertips, making muah sound* On today’s podcast, new Razzball writer and 1990′s deejay, aka the “Guru,” takes us thru some 90′s music flashbacks (Milli Vanilli, ‘N Sync, NKOTB and more!) and we “Jam It or Cram It” on where to hold or not hold certain players (Jackie Bradley Jr., Parra, Cowgill, Just Peachy Arencibia, Flowers). (By the by, I think the Guru was a real radio deejay, not one of those deejays you hired for your bar mitzvah and they asked you if you wanted them to bring hula hoops for an extra $50.) Also, on today’s podcast JayWrong and Nick discuss his bold predictions. ‘Wrong is officially the first fantasy baseball prognosticator to have more than one bold prediction regarding the Padres. The Padres themselves don’t even have such high hopes. Finally, Rudy and Nick discuss how Rudy was up until 3am trying to get the Stream-o-Nator working, but it seems the Astros are so bad they’re mucking up the system. Don’t cry for Rudy, it wasn’t 3 AM EST. Central Time Zone — pfft! BTW, the Draft Kings thing is going off in two days, so if you wanna do that there ya go. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (without yours truly):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Didja hear? Games started. Yeah, no foolin’. There was practically a full slate of games yesterday, but we didn’t talk about any of them on the podcast. The bumper sticker on our podcast reads, “We’re timely for a section of Africa that doesn’t have internet.” Yes, we have a long bumper. That’s what she said! Huh? On today’s podcast, we are joined by our prospect writer, Scott Evans (depending on what name Nick introduces him by — it changes on the daily) as he talks about Jose Fernandez and we’re also joined by Tom, our OPS guy, as he talks about closers. Why closers and not OPS? I think Nick just thought OPS stood for give him opportunities. Then Rudy and I take over the ‘cast and we drop on your unkempt ears some players to pick up in 12 team mixed leagues, 15 team mixed leagues, NL-Only and AL-Only. I try to work in some of my beautiful singing… Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t try to work in a song. I sing a song for the better part of the podcast. One song– Nay, one chorus, for 15 minutes. As a youth, I was in the Jewish Tabernacle Choir. Our motto was, “Why do the Mormons gotta have everything not-fun?” So, you’ll enjoy that. We also tackle some hard-hitting questions like, “Why you trading away your whole team, yo? You just drafted them,” and spring takeaways. I prefer Chinese takeaways, but that’s just me. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now in a key of B-flat):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, there’s this thing called conference call, and… We used it! You = mind blown. That’s right all of you out in Razzball nation, Rudy and I are now on the podcast together. At one time. From different locations. Thank you, technology, now if I could only record one program while watching another one. You can. Hardy har, Random Italicized Voice, like I’m gonna fall for that one. Whatevs. We’re also joined by Razzball’s resident heartthrob, Tehol. He’s one part man, one part warlock, one part sass, two parts frass, three parts John Cena’s “You can’t see me” hand gesture thing, one part… How many parts is that? Eight? That’s it for Tehol. Today’s podcast is all about predictions for 2013 fantasy baseball. We go over who we think is gonna be the fantasy Cy Young, MVP, Rookie of the Year and Bust. Of course, I mention Giancarlo and Josh Rutledge five times in the first 12 seconds. That’s including six weird um’s, so it’s quite a feat. I just had a great idea! We should get Lazaro, the stuttering American Idol contestant, on the podcast to make all of us sound better. It’s addition by subtraction. By the by, this is the worst season of American Idol, and I’ve only watched it twice before. When Mariah is the most well-spoken judge, y’all need a makeover! Finally, Jonah Keri, Grantland baseball writer, took time from writing his book on the Expos and was on the podcast. Go buy his previous book, which was a NY Times bestseller. It’s about the Tampa Bay Rays. If you’ve bought the book previously, buy it again and give it as a gift. Mother’s Day is right around the corner! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with conference call):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My grandfather, who is 86 years old, Skypes with me all the time. He’ll Skype with me when he’s eating some braciola that he got from the deli down the street. Sometimes he’ll Skype with me when he’s not wearing a shirt, and simply calling me to ask how ‘his pecs’ look because he’s about to Skype with one of his five girlfriends. Sometimes he Skypes me by accident when he’s trying to call Google (that’s what he does rather than search). I tell you this so when I say we still weren’t able to get the podcast going with Rudy and I together on the same call, you know we’re not coming to you from the 1950′s before such things as ‘conference call.’ We are all living in the present day. To be honest, I have to say this whole Daylight Savings Time thing is still affecting us. “So, I call in at 10:30 AM? Is that Eastern? Pacific? Central? Eastern pre-Daylight Savings? Post-Daylight Savings?” Do you see how many different possibilities there are? No wonder Bobby Fischer went mad. Who can keep track of all of these things? Rudy tried to call in after me, but Nick closed up shop, so it’s just me today. Well, me, Smokey and Jaywrong. They called in before me — separately, so I have no idea what they said because WE CAN’T FIGURE OUT CONFERENCE CALL?! I talked about some of my ancestry and Madeleine Albright, then we talked fantasy baseball. I’m assuming the other people on the podcast also talked fantasy baseball too. I’m merely assuming. Nick and I specifically go over my Justin Upton, Edwin Encarnacion and Ian Kinsler rankings. We talk briefly about the Fantasy Baseball War Room. I also handicap the Razzball Writers’ League and the Razzball Champions RCL. Maybe next week we can figure out a call-in number and an exact time. We shall see. Or not. Your choice. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (still in 3 separate parts):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The first fantasy baseball podcast of the year was last week. If you missed it, I’ll give you an idea. Imagine the music for an action movie is playing, the beat is building, the tension is high, the sweat is drip, drip, dripping from your forehead. Only instead of looking for the bad guy or trying to stop a bomb from detonating, you’re sitting at your desk looking for a pencil. It was like Skyfall in your very own cubicle. Or if you listened to it in your car, then you probably had to pull off the road from heart palpitations. “Hey, roadside assistance, I was wondering if you could bring a heart defibrillator out to the Barham Pass? No, he was listening to the Razzball Podcast. Yes, in Dolby Digital.” We took last year’s laconic podcast and turned it into a shook-up bottle of tonic. This week, we tried to turn down the spin-your-glow-sticks-at-a-rave type energy in the background on just Rudy and me. So you get the Trainspotting energy on one hand and the Brad Pitt in True Romance on the other. Oh, and we talked baseball. On this week’s podcast, we brought in our prospect writer, Scott, and our OPS writer, Tom Jacks, to talk about position battles. (The name Tom seems like it needs a last name, right? Is it “Hey, it’s Tom!” or “Hey, it’s Tom Brady!” See?) Rudy talked about a new tool that we’re bringing out this year that we’re all very excited about. It’s like our Stream-o-Nator only turned up a notch and turned on its head. (Here’s a hint: it’s for hitters instead of pitchers. Eff me in the coolie, that’s awesome!) Then, I talked about picking up Cougars. So, you know, business as usual! Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with less heart-attack-inducing music):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You couldn’t bear to think of commuting to work with nothing but one of those other guy’s fantasy baseball podcasts, so you called out sick and went into the woods to hibernate. You huddled around your campfire all winter waiting for the Razzball podcast to return. At one point, all you had was the warmth from some embers and a bear carcass that you killed with your truck. You had gangrene in one hand and you hadn’t soaped yourself in five months. Did it all have to be so difficult? Can’t Razzball bring the fantasy baseball podcast back sooner just so you could come out of hibernation and have something to listen to on the way to work? Did you even have a job anymore? Calling out sick for five months because of a lack of commuting entertainment seemed like a barely passable excuse when you told the HR person. Was that the HR person or a janitor picking up the phone? Crap, this better be the best fantasy baseball podcast you’ve ever heard in your whole life. Or at least in the last five months. Well, the wait is over, prematurely balding man. The Razzball podcast has returned in all its podcasty goodness. We have a new producer, new guests, but the same old awkward pauses and elongated ummmmm’s. That’s not feedback in your headphones, that’s my high-pitched laugh! That’s not your 11th grade math teacher babbling on, that’s Rudy! That’s not Barry White, that’s the podcast host, Nick! That’s not Jaywrong, that’s… No, actually, I think it might be Jaywrong. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast, now in like 24 segments:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

STEVE GARVEY?!  Yeah, I don’t know how we scored this one.  Actually, I do.  Little known fact, I was one of the kids on The Baseball Bunch.  Kidding.  Though that would be amazing.  Maybe we can organize a Baseball Bunch reunion and have them field grounders with the San Diego Chicken running around behind them, assuming none of The Baseball Bunch kids are now incarcerated or meth addicts.  

Please, blog, may I have some more?