The gang got back together for one last podcast of the year (though we might do one in December when players start getting traded and whatnot), and it was a blast (was not a blast)! First, Rudy said this and then I said that and Nick said actually. To think, before Thomas Einstein there was no such thing as podcasts. Or was it Albert Graham Bell? Any the hoo! On today’s podcast, we talked about the best and worst that 2013 had to offer. I mentioned Paul Goldschmidt only a few bazillion times and that wasn’t even half as many times that I mentioned how I beat Rudy in our league. All in all, a fine afternoon spent with old friends. That’s what you should say after you listen to our ramblings. Nick also revealed plans to move to Florida and I revealed plans for my bachelor party that is coming in ten days. I hope to return from Vegas after said trip with a few more mental scars. “Yelp is giving good reviews for a place called The Glory Hole. Says you have to try the breasts.” That’s us planning our next move prior to not remembering anything. On the podcast, we also mention some rookies for next year — Billy Hamilton anyone? — and who we are avoiding for next year. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with us waxing poetic):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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So this is the next to last baseball podcast of the regular season. There’s still a big gala podcast at the end of the year. LT usually comes wearing a toga and carrying a chicken. Last year, JB wore a tuxedo and we all pointed and laughed, Smokey brought his sponsor and Nick flew down with a couple of Canadian beavers and a bottle of maple syrup… good times, sticky, but good. But for this episode we wanted to give you something punchy, something current… so what did Nick do? He went and did a 2014 mock draft with JB for all of you people out of it. I wonder where JB drafted Ryan Dempster. I’d give it a listen while I made Josh Hamilton and Jason Heyward voodoo dolls. (Good thing you’re not making an Andrew McCutchen voodoo doll because dreads are real tough to make for a doll; not that I’d know… I hate you, Whoopi Goldberg doll!). So with all your hope gone, Nick decided to shine a teeny, tiny little flashlight (the kind you can clip to your belt buckle) of hope on your otherwise dreary fantasy baseball day. Miggy or Trout at #1? Who’s the first pitcher off the board? Does Paul Goldschmidt go 3rd? Also this week is the FINAL “Play with Rudy from Razzball” contest over at Draft Kings and Nick sold one of his kidneys to get them to put more money in the kitty. He tried to sell his liver, but the black market doctor just laughed at him. After the black market doctor patted his brow, why are shady doctors always sweaty? Put on a fan! Get in the contest, it’s cheaper than chipping in for Nick’s kidney surgery! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with JB subbing in as ‘we’):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I couldn’t be a part of the podcast today because I was getting fitted for wedding dresses in NYC this weekend. I love reality based shows and thought “Why can’t I be part of Say Yes To The Dress? Even if it was to tell a large girl, ‘Nuh-uh, baby doll, you aren’t working that, no way, Jose Canseco.'” Also, my favorite musical song to sing to myself is I’m pretty, oh, so pretty. Nature fit, right? Nick decided that he should do a “freestyle” podcast because it’s too early to care about what players will do in 2014 and too late to help your stank ass team. JayWrong and Nick got together to discuss some of their 2013 baseball predictions, but the show got side tracked because they both forgot to take their meds and they wound up discussing Jay’s fragile love life and how DC is full of emo-hipster chicks. If Lisa Loeb is there, ring her up. She’s desperate for companionship. (BTW, Can you be both emo and hipster at the same time? Isn’t that like being “country” and “backwoods” at the same time? You’re goth and weird? No, you are just weird. I never got the goth thing. Are you trying to make yourself less attractive? Don’t reproduce. It’s fine with me.) Rudy and Nick discussed our RCL Expert and Champion Leagues. Apparently all RCL Leagues have no caps on transactions simply to give me a fighting chance in the Expert League. They then talked about how Rudy and I were doing in other experts leagues and Rudy started crying and playing emo-goth-hipster music. He recovered in time to decree he’d never again draft “A player named Upton” no matter how good BJ, the 3rd becomes. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with JayWrong casually mentioning his availability even though we only have one girl listener; dude, try a singles bar):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Said like Denzel from Training Day, “Chutes and Ladders ain’t got nothing on us!” Nick decided to pore over stats like he pores over pornography and come up with this really neat — his word — game called, Fact or Fiction. Here’s how it works: he says some random stat for some random player than another random stat for another random player to prove how great or poor one of the players has been doing. Example: Chris Stewart has more steals than Jason Heyward. Fact or Fiction? It’s a lot easier to play if you can just Google the answer. Yes, I see you Googling. Stop Googling! By the way, does anyone use Bing? Do you call it Binging? Bing’ing? Chuck Berry messing with my Bing-a-ling? Cool story, brah. Nick does this game with Rudy and I, separately. I’m going to see if we can get all three of us on the same podcast maybe one more time this year. That’s if Rudy will lift his court order. My favorite part of Fact or Fiction is you can hear Rudy and I thinking. My thinking sounds like this, “Um…” Rudy’s thinking sounds like this, “Hmmm…” Maybe one day someone will remix our thoughts all proper — I’m hinting in your direction David Guetta, if you’re a reader. Of course you are. We’re hip, I know. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with truths and un-truths):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Oh, him! Yeah, you’ve never heard of him. That’s okay, we have and you should. Spencer is co-founder and CEO of Classic Baseball, LLC whose business is pitcher injuries. That’s right; they know what you wish your local GM knew when he signed that kid with the funky delivery to the bajillion dollar contract. They basically watch a ton of tape and look for mechanical flaws. Kinda like how JayWrong watches a ton of porn and looks for mechanical flaws. Or how Tony Gwynn watches a ton of Food Network shows. Spencer consults directly with six major league teams about which pitchers will get injured. His success rate is above, say, Verducci and his eponymous nonsense. I’m going to try and get Spencer on again before next season to see if we can’t get some insider information about which pitchers are trouble areas for injuries, but right now Spencer is promoting a real-time baseball app that you use to try to predict outcomes of the game when you’re in the ballpark. For instance, you’re in San Francisco and Lincecum’s on the mound, so you predict he’s going to get out of the inning in three batters and take four bong hits between innings (bong hits may or may not be included in the game). Watch out, Candy Crush! The real question is, with all these talents, can Spencer write blog posts? I’m serious. Everybody’s fired. Me included. In other podcast news, I’m on talking about Jason Heyward, Chris Davis, Yu Darvish, Jose Fernandez and Matt Harvey. All the sexy names you know and love, plus Heyward. Heyward can go *bleep* bleep* bleep* in his *bleeping* *bleep*. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with some doode who went to Oxford — la di da!):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So it’s the dog days of summer, your team sucks and you’re starting to follow Razzball Football to see which 3rd string right tackle might make the special teams roster. Hey, just because you took my advice and drafted Josh Rutledge in the 5th round and screwed your team up doesn’t mean baseball season is over! Prospect Scott was on today’s podcast and they look at some prospects who could help with your stretch run, as well as some gamers for 2014. All this while Scott was sweating out the booze from Lollapalooza in his Honda waiting to get a hot Italian beef for lunch. Just sounds weird to me. (Honestly, I had no idea Lollapalooza was still going on either. Did Soundgarden headline?) As for me and Nick… Well, we’ve gone full Red Sox Nation at this blog recently. It’s like the Ghost of Johnny Pesky has taken over and advising him is Ted Williams’ head in a jar. For the third time in the last week, we talk about Xander Bogaerts. Why? Because he’s going to be bananas good and he plays a position that boosts his value even more and the Red Sox are going to call him up shortly. Or rather third basely. Nick and I also talked about the suspensions and why football sucks. I lose it for the better part of forty-five seconds recounting what a friend of mine wrote on his Facebook wall. We’re so high school! That’s not to say you shouldn’t go join one of our fantasy football leagues. I’m sure Sky, JB and team are a bunch 0f lovely individuals. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with a little extra vitriol — word of the day!):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trade deadline is approaching so we figured, you know, we should talk about it. Nick got Smokey and Tom locked in the Fantasy Octagon (which isn’t 99.999999% as dangerous, but don’t tell the combatants) and after much prodding got them to fisticuffs over which bullpens will be in flux with the trade deadline looming. “Huston Street ain’t going nowhere!” “Oh yeah? Well I’m gonna armbar you ’til Steve Cishek gets traded!” They also discussed Tom’s recent trip to Bolivia and Smokey’s recent trip to Trenton. A women’s prison and Pork Roll within a half mile? I’m going Trenton. Rudy was supposed to join us to discuss deadline strategies, but he came down with a case of the family-was-out-of-the-house-all-day-so-I-downloaded-a-boatload-of-porn-itis, so I filled in for a double segment. You, “Can I get an order of moustachioed advice please? Wait, what? I can supersize it! Yes please!” We also talked trading deadline news. In the spirit of the trading season, I went to the Salvation Army and traded a dirty pair of boxers for a pair of parachute pants then was told that wasn’t how it worked and I declared war on the Salvation Army. We also discussed my penchant for giving away coveted rookies in keeper leagues to try to win for the current year. When they were all rookies, I had Braun, Prince, Reyes and Hanley in an NL only keeper, but, hey, at least I finished 5th that one year and got my league fee back. Finally, we talked about my trip to Indiana. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with July 31st implications):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And I had no part in it. I’m not a morning person…or afternoon, really. Shoot, there’s some nights where I pretend I’m a morning person at night so people don’t think I’m not a night person either. Eye-thurr way! Nick had to go to a funeral, so he needed to tape the podcast about four hours before I wake up on the West Coast and about three hours before Rudy rises in Austin, so he went it alone and with some fellow Razzball East Coasters, JB and JayWrong. I don’t know why Nick doesn’t just record my high-pitched laugh and sprinkle it throughout the podcast and it would be like I’m there anyway. “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Henry Urrutia?” *high-pitched cackle* And that’s it. So, JB went in-depth on the top 5 starters he’s buying for the rest of the season. One guy is Rick Porcello? Oh, JB, I’ve polluted your mind with my Porcello love. At one point, JB got deep into advanced stats and Nick had to remind him that “radio” doesn’t cover math. Those are calculators, JB. Geez! JayWrong joined the hulla-on-the-blue and went over his top 100 2013 fantasy baseball keeper list. Matt Kemp at 9? Josh Donaldson at 43? Kyle Seager at 54? Who made this list? Oh, wait, JayWrong did. (BTW, hulla-on-the-blue is my trademarked phrase, but I encourage you to use it. Just send me a nickel when you do.) Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with some extra morning yawns):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On today’s podcast I talked about Yasiel Puig, the greatest raftee Major League Baseball has ever seen. We didn’t talk at all about the All-Star Game drama, because, brucely, I don’t care much for it. I think the All-Star Game is an exhibition and should be treated as one. It’s for the fans and things like Leyland only putting up middle relievers for the fan vote is disgraceful. Like fans want to vote for middle infielders. Fantasy baseballers in Holds leagues don’t want to vote for middle relievers. Fans vote for the starters, so why not just take the player with the most votes who just missed making the team and put him on it? Because then there wouldn’t be articles written about the fan vote or people talking about it (guilty as charged!). So, that’s the stuff I do not talk about on the podcast. Instead, I talked about what we can expect of Puig this year and next year. Also, stopping by was Eric, the league manager who brought together the RCL Champions League. The RCL Champions League is the greatest collection of IQ since Mensa held their convention at Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica made of cars in Nebraska. I’m not sure what’s stranger…the fact that the world’s intelligentsia are into strange tourist attractions or that Nebraska is a real place. I thought it was a made-up state from The Big Bang Theory. Wait, are you telling me Johnny Galecki isn’t a super genius? Any the hoo! We thought it would be funny to throw Nick in the Champions League this year and watch him get his Canadian beaver tail whipped. I’m not sure what’s stranger… that Nick is two points out of first place or that Canada is a real place. Then Rudy stopped by to fill us in on why The Machine is in love with Matt Joyce, Joe Blanton and Ian Kennedy because even their mommas have trouble loving them this much. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Pweeg falling off the Grey Mind tree):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s officially the mid-way point of the season (you know, 81 game mark in 162 game season) and with the long weekend coming up, Nick got lazy with this week’s installment, rather, more lazy. A podcast on a Wednesday? What is this France? Any the hoo! Nick had JB and JayWrong on at the same time to battle it out in a match of “Guess who’s projections these are.” JayWrong wiped the floor with JB; JB said it was because he was hungry. I heard the fight between JB and JayWrong gets completely out of control, but I wouldn’t know because I’m on by myself. Why do I feel like the special needs kid that is tutored separately from all of his friends and is told, “Grey, you need special attention, because you’re creative in ways the other kids aren’t.” I used the name Grey there, but I’ve never actually heard that line said to me. I’m not special at all. Quite ordinary. Singing John Legend, “We’re just ordinary PEOPLE!” Man, I love that song. Rudy comes on the ‘cast and talks about similar halfway mark stats jazz, then I talk about everyone’s favorite player that they own or least favorite player that they don’t own, Chris Davis. Then I drop on you a surprising buy for the 2nd half. A guy you haven’t heard me say I like in the last 24 months or so. I also drop into your eardrums my biggest sell for the 2nd half. It’s a doozy or my name isn’t Cousin Brucie. Finally, Rhino Energy wanted to help Razzballers party like animals all weekend so they’re giving away a case of Rhino Energy drinks to the person who comments first with the trivia answer to: What European country, and home of Rhino Energy, is known for its fall festival where ample-bosomed waitresses serve you steins of beer? Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with JayWrong and JB applying oil to their arms and legs so they can grapple):

Please, blog, may I have some more?