Our interview subject is Matthew Berry -  the Director of Fantasy Sports at ESPN.  His career has taken him from stand-up comedy to Hollywood where he paid his dues with writing gigs like Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles which was up for a 2001 Razzie (unaffiliated to Razzball) as Worst Remake or Sequel but lost to Planet of the Apes.  He followed his passion of fantasy baseball and wrote for Rotoworld before starting his own fantasy blog TalentedMrRoto.com that was purchased by ESPN in 2007.

Last note – unlike our interviews to date (see Spike Lee, Sarah Palin, and Rickey Henderson), this interview was real.  ESPN is pimping their Fantasy Baseball folks on a PR junket and asked us to conduct this interview….the site that brought you Hater Bell….. When we asked Matthew Berry towards the end of the interview why us?  He seemed as puzzled as anyone….go figure.

GREY: First off, thanks for A’ing our Q’s, mucho appreciado Senor Fruitazi.  You’re a good sport since a lot of the time, like a blogger Luke Skywalker would say, You Are My Fodder.  I started Razzball when I was laid off during the WGA strike and I know you’re also a screenwriter or were or whatever, so I just want to say thanks for paving the way for me to go from an underappreciated, society misfit to an underpaid, society misfit.  You’re the wind beneath my wings!

Okay, brownnosing aside, I know how hard it is to do fantasy baseball rankings.  You really can’t please everybody all the time.  With that said, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?!  I put Dustin Pedroia, Josh Hamilton and Cliff Lee in our 2009 Fantasy overrated category.   But your rankings have a vibe of “What was good last year is a tasty nugget to covet this year.”  Defend these three or quit your post at ESPN and move to Cape Horn.

MATTHEW BERRY: Cliff Lee developed a new pitch last year so I don’t think he’s necessarily in for a regression to ‘before last year.’  Hamilton stayed healthy and…he’s in Texas.  This makes Hamilton valuable.  Pedroia’s my biggest question mark.  Is his power for real?  If it is, then he could be very valuable.

GREY: When anyone mentions closers on Razzball, I point them to our Fantasy Baseball Glossary entry for SAGNOF — Saves Ain’t Got No Face.  Double negative aside, you know you want to agree with me.  So… Go ahead.

MATTHEW BERRY: I’ve said forever that you don’t pay for saves.  So… Um… Yes, I agree with that.  There’s very few closers out that I think are rock solid this year.  I count 8 coming into the season where you’re like, “Okay, that’s clearly the guy” and there’s no risk.  And that was before questions about Brad Lidge showed up.  So I think you’re down to seven.

GREY: What top 20 pick are you most excited about?  Least excited about?

MATTHEW BERRY: Most excited about Miguel Cabrera. He’s do for a monster, monster year.  Most people look at last year as a disappointment, but he actually had a huge 2nd half.  Once he adjusted to the new position and to the new league.  He’s still going towards the end of the 1st round, but I think he’s a guy you can look up at the end of the year and be the number one fantasy player overall.

GREY: Agreed.

MATTHEW BERRY: Certainly top three.   So that’s the guy I’m most excited about and least excited about A-Rod.  There’s so many variables.  He’s so crazy.  I believe we have not heard the end of the A-Rod story.  This is based on nothing more than my gut.  I don’t want anyone thinking I have insider information from ESPN.  This is based on nothing more than my gut.  I think there’s more to the story.  I think it’s going to come out that he used more than what he’s said.  I think the story is going to continue throughout the summer.  I think if the Yankees don’t have an amazing year he’s going to be left holding the bag.  I mean… I just don’t like him.  I’ve been very open about that.

GREY: A fantasy baseballer’s (<– my Mom’s term) job is to unearth late round bargains.  Who is this year’s Ryan Ludwick?  Tell my readers now.  They thank you.

MATTHEW BERRY: Shin-Soo Choo.

GREY: I like him too. Our 20 risky pitcher for 2009 post points out a few candidates to avoid at your draft.  You probably disagree with Ricky Nolasco’s inclusion there like I disagree with MILF’s nickname on VH-1’s I Love Money 2.  Go ahead, make a case for Nolasco.

MATTHEW BERRY: The case for Nolasco is (to) look at what he did last year.  Right?  I mean, over the 2nd half of last year after the All-Star Break, Nolasco 4th in MLB in strikeouts.  Had a ridiculous 98 to 12 K/BB ratio… I’m doing this off the top of my head so it’s 96 to 12 or 98 to 12. (It’s 98.)  He hasn’t shown any sign of being injury-prone or…um… He’s still young.  So, I mean, I think overuse at this point is a bit premature.

GREY: You are admirably outspoken on your fantasy strategies – e.g., don’t pay for saves, draft speed…  Do you get a lot of hate mail–

MATTHEW BERRY: (jumps in) It’s more than just that.  Those are just two of them.

GREY: Okay, those are two.  Do you get a lot of hate mail from people bemoaning their crappy closers and their Carl Crawford-led offense?

MATTHEW BERRY: I would say my hate mail is pretty evenly spread out among all subjects.

GREY: Let’s say we’re close friends –

MATTHEW BERRY: I find this hard to believe already.  But go ahead…

GREY: What, no rapport?  Is it my breath?  Should I return to the brownnosing?

MATTHEW BERRY: It’s quite all right.  Just go ahead.

GREY: Okay, so I’m about to join a random ESPN league.  Given that your core strategies are read by many of the participants on the site, would you suggest I follow your strategy or move closer to the opposite since there will be more bargains (i.e., top closers go later)?

MATTHEW BERRY: Well, I appreciate, as my pretend close friend, that everyone is going along with my strategy.  I don’t think that’s the case.   Fantasy sports more than anything else is a place where everyone thinks they know more than everyone else.  That’s one of the points of it.  You want to prove you know more than everyone else.  So I think my strategies work, I think every league is different, obviously every rule is different, every fantasy player has different tendencies. My recommendation would be, in a vacuum, that you don’t abandon a strategy just because everyone else is doing it.

With that said, there’s definitely something to zigging where everyone else is zagging.  Where I wouldn’t pay for closers maybe I would go for starting pitching more, because I tend to say wait on starting pitching.  I might try to lock up a scarce position like I might draft three 2nd basemen.  Give myself depth somewhere to trade if there was suddenly a run on something.  As opposed to chasing a lower end guy at one position.  Suddenly, a bunch of 3rd basemen are going off the board, so instead of going early on a so-so third baseman just to have someone, I might load up on another position.  “Okay, I’m going to make sure I have a bunch of good 2nd basemen and trade them.”

GREY: The amount of league data you have at ESPN must be staggering.  Have you given thought to summarizing this data and publishing it?  For example, what players were on the highest percentage of teams that lost?  Do teams that have invest in say a 2B/SS combination in the first two rounds or pick a starter in the 1st round fare better/average/worse than the average team?  That type of information would really add some credence.

MATTHEW BERRY: It’s been suggested.  It’s a matter of resources.  It’s actually not that easy to pull that data as you might think.  So… It’s been suggested.  It’s up to the people that run our technology group and the people who run our fantasy content and I do neither.  So I’m not the right guy to answer that question.  I am ESPN’s lead fantasy analyst.

[Rudy's Editor Note:  C'mon Worldwide Leader!  You have a treasure trove of data to actually validate (or invalidate) fantasy baseball theories.  Allow us at the data and we'll reduce our ESPN-razzing by 40%!]

GREY: If Baseball Tonight anchors and alumni participated in a fantasy baseball league, who do you think would win?  Who will finish 2nd to last in front of Eric Young?

MATTHEW BERRY: Steve Phillips would win.  Steve Phillips plays fantasy.  He knows it really well.  In fact, Steve Phillips won an internal Baseball Tonight league last year against a bunch of researchers and producers and people that really play.  So Steve Phillips is the guy who I think would win. The guy that I think would lose is…um… The guy I would say would lose…. Um… The guy who would finish last is Kruk. (He’s) been very open about his disdain.  He’s never played fantasy so like anything I think it takes a learning curve.  John Kruk has publicly said that if he played he wouldn’t do a lot of the moves.  So I could see him getting bored with it.

GREY: Has anyone mentioned to you that your on-screen presence is reminiscent of Crazy Eddie – the 80’s electronics store where the prices were innnnnnnnsane?  Note, you do publish manifestos, a crazy man’s journal…

MATTHEW BERRY: No, I’ve never heard that one.  I’ve heard the gamut.  But I’ve never heard that one.

GREY: Ever thought of being known as Wild Berry?

MATTHEW BERRY: No, I have not.  I try to avoid obvious puns on my own last name.

GREY: Your lack of canoodle time with the ladies is worldwide leader renown.  Can anyone have a meaningful relationship and be good in fantasy sports?

MATTHEW BERRY: It’s good fodder.  Although it’s changing recently… Since being at ESPN, it hasn’t been a priority.  I date women that are wrong for me.  And I’m probably wrong for women that date me.  I don’t blame any of it on fantasy sports.  Nate, who I do the podcast with, he’s very happily married.

GREY: Could you say our tagline for us? Razzball — Something to read between masturbation sessions.

MATTHEW BERRY: No. I have no problem with the phrase itself, but I’m not sure I agree with it.

Our interview subject is the one and only Rickey Henderson.

Rudy:  The Hall of Fame nominations are coming up and it’s predicted you’ll be a near unanimous pick.  What will it mean to you to make the Hall of Fame?

Rickey:  It’s an honor but, really, Rickey just loved to play baseball.  If I was that anxious to make the Hall of Fame, I wouldn’t have come back to play for the Red Sox in 2002. Or the Dodgers in 2003.  Or the Newark Bears in 2004.  Or the San Diego Surf Dawgs in 2005.

Rudy:  Bill James once said about you, “If you could split him in two, you’d have two Hall of Famers.”  Quite the compliment.  What do you have to say about that?

Rickey: I don’t know who these guys Bill and James are but that’s just silly. How is Rickey supposed to play with only one arm and one leg?  How is Rickey supposed to play with half of a head?  How would I find a uniform and sunglasses to fit me?  Unless they were saying they’d split me at my waist.  My top half could still hit and I could run using my arms.  And my legs could still steal bases although I couldn’t slide head first.  So I think the half-Rickeys could’ve been good players but I don’t know about Hall-of-Famers.

Rudy:  If there was one player in the last 30 years that played a game similar to yours, it would have to be Tim Raines who is in his 2nd year on the ballot.  Do you think he deserves to go in?

Rickey:  Most definitely.  Rock was a great player.  Really great.  His numbers are really impressive – especially if you include those years he played in the Canadian Baseball League.  We’d talk on the phone a lot about stolen base strategy and hamstring exercises.  He also deserves credit for shaking that soda addiction he had earlier in his career.

Rudy:  One of my favorite teams growing up was the 1985 Yankees which won 97 games and had yourself, Don Mattingly, and Dave Winfield in their prime but finished 2 games behind Toronto.  Your stats that year were phenomenal – 146/24/72/80/.314.  What kept that team from winning it all?

Rickey:  It wasn’t the hitting that’s for sure!  (laughs)  That was a great top of the lineup and we scored a lot of runs.  The pitching just wasn’t that good besides the Alligator (Ron ‘Gator’ Guidry).  We had this one old knucklehead pitcher (Phil Niekro).  Rickey envied the other team’s hitters whenever he pitched – he could’ve stolen a lot of bases on him.

Rudy:  The 1985 Yanks were managed by Billy Martin – who was also your first coach in Oakland.  You had a great relationship with him yet he infamously feuded with Reggie Jackson – another outfielder with a big personality.  Why did the two of you get along so well?

Rickey:  Rickey and Billy were like two puzzling pieces that fit.  Rickey appreciated baseball fundamentals.  Billy stressed baseball fundamentals. Rickey played aggressive.  Billy managed aggressive. Rickey was intoxicating when he played the game.  Billy was intoxicating when he managed the game.

Rudy:  You had four different stints with your hometown A’s – the last one was in 1998 when Billy Beane was just starting out as GM.  You stole 66 SBs that year (at the age of 39).  Since then, only two Athletic players have stolen more than 15 bases.  This is no surprise to anyone who read Moneyball as Billy Beane is not a fan of the stolen base.  What is your view on Moneyball?

Rickey:  Rickey has mixed feelings on it.  I’ve been told that I played with Billy Beane one season on the Athletics.  He respects the importance of getting on base and that was a big part of my game.  But then he expects Rickey to not steal when he gets to first base?  That’s like taking a horse to water and then not letting him drink.  Rickey likes to drink water.

Rudy:  You’ve gotten a lot of slack over the years for being a showboat – the snatch catch, the slo-mo home run trot, the sunglasses, the speaking in the third person…Anything you’d like to say to that?

Rickey:  Rickey played hard every game but he also liked to entertain his audience.  And that audience includes Rickey.  If you can’t please your #1 fan, how can you please anybody else?

Rudy:  So you’re one of the best real baseball players in recent memory.  How are you as a fantasy baseball player?

Rickey:  If Rickey sets his mind to it, he can be the best at anything he wants.

Rudy:  Do you want to be in our fantasy baseball league next year?

Rickey:  You’re not in Rickey’s league.  Nobody’s in Rickey’s league.

Rudy: Then how can you be the best if you’re not in anyone’s league?

Rickey:  Rickey doesn’t need to finish first to know he’s the best.  Rickey doesn’t stop until he finishes in first.  Then he steals second and third before scoring a run.

Rudy:  Fantasy baseball players are obsessed about stats.  Were you obsessed with stats as a real baseball player?

Rickey:  Rickey was never motivated by stats.  He was motivated by numbers.  Wins, runs, steals.  That’s what mattered.

Rudy: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Rickey:  I think this Hall of Fame nomination will get people realizing how great a player Rickey was and he’ll be re-signed.  I figure when I pass 50 that I’ll slow down a bit and I’ll become a player-coach.

Rudy:  I guess anything is possible, right?

Rickey:  Nothing’s impossible for Rickey.   You don’t have enough fingers and toes to count out Rickey.

Rudy:  Thanks Rickey for all the great memories and taking time out to answer some of our questions.

Rickey:  I’d like to thank Rickey as well.

Our interview subject is the Republican Vice-President nominee – a politician whose gender, backstory, home state, interviewing talents, charisma, religious views, and ocular skills (wink vs. crazy-eyed stare) have made her the most compelling and polarizing nominee since Andrew Jackson tapped South Carolinian John C. Calhoun. 

It might seem crazy to talk to a VP nominee about fantasy baseball but we urge you, the reader, to consider the parallels between managing a fantasy baseball team and the country.  Would you want the doofus in your league who keeps drafting Garret Anderson and Frank Thomas to be President?  Last thing we need is a President who trades Hawaii for Samoa and Tonga.

Also, it’s worth noting that baseball and the White House have been intertwined for ages.  Examples include:

• President William Taft starting the tradition of the ceremonial first pitch in 1910
• FDR only had sex with his wife Eleanor if she wore a catcher’s mask and coined the term four-bagger in her honor
• The Marshall Plan laid out provisions for teaching baseball in Japan
• JFK loved the Red Sox
• Richard Nixon hated the Reds
• Jimmy Carter liked peanuts
• Ronald Reagan went a bit Cracker Jack at the end of his 2nd term
• George HW Bush played baseball at Yale
• Bill Clinton coached women’s softball and enjoyed visits to the mound (okay, made up the coaching part)
• George W Bush was managing partner of the Texas Rangers and many people wish he had stayed in that role instead of moving to politics

On to our interview with Sarah Palin…

Rudy:  Mrs. Palin, we appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to do this interview.

Palin:  Oh, it’s my pleasure.  My advisers thought it would be good if I only did interviews with those outside the media elite – all that gotcha journalism…

Rudy:  That sounds like a good strategy.  So I know about your passion for hockey.  Are you as much of a pitbull on fantasy baseball?

Palin:  You betcha.  I grew up in Alaska where girls were expected to hunt, play fantasy sports, fish, all that stuff.

Rudy:  What fantasy baseball sites and blogs do you read to keep you informed?

Palin:  Oh, I’ve read most of them with a great appreciation for their player advice and statistical insights…

Rudy:  Any specific ones?

Palin:  All of ‘em.  Any of ‘em that have popped up on my computer screen over these years.

Rudy: What is John McCain’s feelings on fantasy baseball?

Palin:  He’s a big fan.  He’s been in Arizona a lot longer than the Diamondbacks (editor’s note:  not the baseball team.  the actual snake that the team is named after and is indigenous to Arizona) so fantasy baseball is really where he first had a rootin’ interest.  He’s the original fantasy baseball maverick.

Rudy:  How so?

Palin:  He crossed the aisle to create a bi-partisan fantasy baseball league in the Senate.  He has worked with both parties on unfair trade policies.  I think we’ve all been in leagues where someone goes “Oh, my team isn’t doin’ so well so you’re my friend and I’m gonna help ya by givin’ ya all my good players for nothin’”. Well, John McCain stepped in and stood up to those special interests.  When lobbyists offered to sponsor a big prize for the league winner, John McCain said “Only if you pay for 2nd place too.”

Rudy:  Can you name one instance where John McCain did anything maverick in his drafting?  In his roster management?

Palin:  He once drafted Hee-seop Choi just to watch him die on his bench.

Rudy:  Okay, then…Can you elaborate on your policy that you refuse to drop a player from your team under any circumstances?

Palin:  Rudy, I believe every draft pick is sacred.  A blessing.  I held onto Hunter Pence all year despite him havin’ a bad year because, well, he sounded like one of my sons.

Rudy:  But aren’t there cases where it’s ok to drop a guy off your roster?  Say you drafted Mark Prior and he’s not expected off the DL anytime soon and you don’t have an open DL slot.  What would you say to someone who wanted to drop Mark Prior in this instance?

Palin:  I would council them to keep Mark Prior on the roster.  He’s a perfectly beautiful pitcher that has special needs….

Rudy:  Let’s step back from fantasy baseball and talk about a broader topic:  baseball.  What do you see as the most serious issues facing baseball today?

Palin:  Oh, I’m glad you asked, Rudy.  I think the most troublin’ thing facing baseball is our dependence on foreign baseball players in our national pastime.  We have domestic supplies of athletes all over this great land but we aren’t tappin’ into ‘em…instead we’re relyin’ on foreign countries to produce ‘em for us.  MLB teams – usin’ taxpayers’ ticket revenues may I add – are circulatin’ almost $1 billion a year into players not born in America.  Those jobs should stay here doggone it.

Rudy:  Some argue that Alaskans are out of touch with this internationalization of baseball as the closest baseball team – the Seattle Mariners – is nearly 1,500 miles away from Alaska.  How do you respond?

Palin:  What those people don’t realize is that Alaska has a land boundary with Canada.  On a clear day, I can see Larry Walker trippin’ over carcasses in the Yukon Territory.    When you consider that Justin Morneau won the MVP two years ago and Erik Bedard ruined so many fantasy teams this year and, as Jason Bay rears his head in Boston…I mean as Canadians invade America to get on baseball rosters, where are they goin’ to go?

Rudy:  Seattle?  Milwaukee?  Maybe just play in Toronto?

Palin:  And the Alaska Baseball League.  But I’m glad you mentioned Milwaukee because I’m a big fan of Ryan Braun.  He’s our best ally in “The Middle West.”

Rudy:  You’ve got the attention of tens and tens of fantasy baseball readers.  What would you like to say to them?

Palin:  My Razzball-Americans…(Editor’s note: We know of, and appreciate, our readers who live outside America.  Razzball Nation has no country barriers.)…Senator McCain and I are mavericks who will fight for all the hard-workin’ everyday Americans and Joe Six Packs out there.  We will stand up to the ESPN’s and Yahoo’s and CBS Sports of the world.  We know you’re sick of all those (ESPN) Insiders tellin’ ya how you should manage your team.  We will reform the system and fight those that want to raise league fees.  Barack Obama wants to veto your trades, tax your winnings, and has been known to pal around with known terrorists like Matthew Berry.

Rudy:  Thank you for your time, Ms. Palin.

Palin:  Well, again, Rudy, I do want to thank you and Grey for having me on your blog. This is such an honor.  Oh, and here’s a shout-out to all you I play against in the ‘Drill My Refuge’ fantasy baseball league.

Our interview subject is the well-respected director of such films as Do The Right Thing, Malcolm X, He Got Game, and Bamboozled as well as a well-known devotee of New York sports.

The incomparable….The incorrigible….Spike Lee.

Rudy: Thank you for accepting our interview request, Spike.

Spike: My pleasure. You know I love talking ‘ball. Knicks 2009! It’s our year. We get a ball handler with our first round…

Rudy: Spike, we don’t cover basketball. We cover baseball – fantasy baseball to be exact.

Spike: What?! (uncomfortably long pause) You’re lucky you’ve got a black man as your avatar.

Rudy: Sorry for the confusion. So we know you’re a Knick fan – what baseball team do you root for?

Spike: Crooklyn Dodgers, Homestead Grays, The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings

Rudy: Any non-fictional teams that have played a game within the last 40 years? C’mon, you must be either a Yankee or Met fan?

Spike: I root for all New York teams but I just stopped rooting for the Mets after what they did to my boy Slick Willie. If I had to pick a favorite Major League team other than the Yankees, I’d say the Toronto Mo’ Better Blue Jays. Show ‘em how it’s done, Cito G.

Rudy: You’ve exchanged words in the press recently with Clint Eastwood on the dearth of black characters in his WWII movie Flags of our Fathers. You feel it disrespected the many African-American soldiers who fought nobly in that effort. Baseball and race have a long, intertwined history – I’m wondering if you have similar views on baseball movies.

Spike: Don’t get me started, Rudy. I’m not sure Hollywood ever got the memo that baseball is integrated.

Rudy: Isn’t that a tad offbase? Hollywood released The Jackie Robinson Story a couple years after he started playing for the Dodgers.

Spike: Yeah, and they cast Jackie Robinson to play himself. God forbid they hire an actor so two black men could prosper. At least it had Ruby Dee in it. Nobody does it like Ruby Dee.

Rudy: Let me throw out some other baseball movies and you let me know what you think of them. First one: Bull Durham.

Spike: Is there one black guy on that team? No wonder why they sucked. And I’ve been to Carolina. Trust me – a white ho’ like Susan Sarandon’s character Annie wouldn’t be deciding between Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins. That’s like choosing between vanilla and butter pecan. Real life, Annie has a mad case of Jungle Fever. Chocolate or chocolate chocolate chip.

Rudy: A League of Their Own

Spike: More like a A League Keepin’ To Its Own. Where are all the sistas? I’ll tell you where they were. They were all in the trenches. They were stormin’ Omaha Bee-yotch. Don’t believe Spielberg’s jive – no Tom Hanks-lookin’ guy saved Matt Damon. It was a sista.

Rudy: Eight Men Out

Spike: Why you gotta call them the Black Sox? Ain’t no black men on that team. THAT’S the scandal if you ask me.

Rudy: Field of Dreams

Spike: This might be a white man’s dream but it sure ain’t a black man’s. Somewhere in the midwest they build a magical field where the lilly-white Black Sox ghosts can play. A white man (Kevin Costner) then kidnaps a black man (James Earl Jones) to make him watch baseball. Then when the white ghosts leave for the cornfields aka plantation, they invite James Earl Jones but tell Kevin Costner he can’t come. What do you think happens in the cornfield – they all sing kumbaya? Take out the weepy music and that scene may as well be in Birth of a Nation.

Rudy: Wow…um, Major League.

Spike: How come it’s gotta be a black man praying to Jaboo? And what’s up with turning my boy Wesley (Snipes) into a baseball playin’ Stepin’ Fetchit? I cast Wesley in a movie and make him a proud African-American architect who’s neck deep in fine Italian punani. This movie it’s all “Yessah, I’ll do some push-ups. I shoulda never been poppinin’ up dem balls” and “Nossah, I should’nta gone and stolen all dem bases”. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Rudy: Are there any baseball movies you do like?

Spike: Besides The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings and The Jackie Robinson Story, nope. Well, I kind of dig The Bad News Bears. Let them play! Let them play!

Rudy: You’ve done a basketball movie (He Got Game). Any thought of doing a baseball movie?

Spike: Funny you should ask. I’m working on a biopic right now of Reggie Jackson called “JaXon”. Denzel is getting fitted for over-sized glasses as we speak.

Rudy: Can’t wait for it to hit theaters. We love Reggie over here at Razzball. Last question: Do you play in any fantasy baseball leagues?

Spike: Nah. Stopped playing years ago. Too hard to find players I like beyond outfielders and power-hitting 1st basemen.

Rudy: Spike, thank you for your time. it’s been a pleasure.

Spike: Go Knicks!