It’s with no regret that I announce (Well, I’m not exactly announcing it. The Brewers are, but bear with me.) that Eric Gagne is no longer the closer. Officially, the Brewers say it’s a mental break. I say, it’s a “You can’t take steroids anymore and the Brewers should’ve never acquired him in the first place” break. On Friday, I told you I think Salomon Torres will walk away with a large chunk of saves. If he’s gone, as a speculation on Gagne’s replacement, you have to grab Mota or Riske. Grab everyone basically, even Shouse, if you need saves. I think Gagne will be eventually back closing for the Brewers and he’ll get five or six more saves before he undoubtably needs another mental break. Guess now he’ll have time to tuck in his shirt. Anyway, here’s what else I (and others) saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - I missed the Mets game because I was hungover and needed to submerge my head into a tub of ice. So I put Rudy on the case, here’s what he said over IM, “Castillo got a gift triple in the first which led to 3 runs, but they were crushing Cueto in the first 2 IP. Then 2 innings were fine. Then a bullshit infield single for Castillo. K’d Wright. Then hung a curve that Beltran hit into orbit. No great story other than Cueto’s stuff is good, but remains a risky bet. I wish I traded him to you instead of Zach Attack. Parra’s unstartable, but I’m starting Cueto outside of Colorado. BTW, you’re the greatest writer in the history of blogs. In fact, blogs should be renamed to Glegs, which is a portmanteau (Word of the Day).”  Thanks, Rudy.

Brian Bannister - I was vomiting blood during this game, so I turned to my Uncle Yitz, who lives in KC, “Bannister is luckier than a blind man in a braille store.” Thanks, Uncle Yitz.

Carl Crawford - Blood turned to phlegm so I let Momma Grey write this one for Mother’s Day, “Carl who? Is that our mailman?” “Maybe you’re thinking of Karl Malone.” “Karl Malone is our mailman’s name?” Thanks, Mom! I still believe Crawford gets over 20 home runs and I’d trade for ‘our mailman’ in a second.

Ryan Braun - Everyone’s well aware of my stance on Braun, but he did hit two home runs yesterday. I say sell, but you do what you do.

Shawn Hill - Still not getting Ks or Ws like I’d want, but in deep leagues, you can do a lot worse. Actually, in shallow leagues you could do worse.

Khalil Greene - Been a buy low candidate for me for about a month. He is what he is, which is 25 home runs. If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy KG.

Santiago Casilla - Finally gave up some runs, but he just got another win. Listen, when it’s time to bail, I’ll give you a heads up, but fantasy baseball is like a craps table. When the table’s hot, ride the effin’ table. When the table’s cold, go to a strip club.

Jonathan Broxton - I know you want to drop him quickfast. I think that’s being too reactionary. He recently had problems with his lat muscle, so he might not be himself. Bench him for a few days to see if yesterday’s outing was a one time bludgeoning or if you need to do a mercy killing.

Justin Speier - Not sure if anyone’s on this train wreck, but you need to get off, you ain’t ‘Unbreakable.’

Ervin Santana - Missed this game because my girlfriend was administering an IV, but his final line surprises me less than his first month of stats, if that makes sense — sweet!

Dan Uggla - If he hits forty, he’s worth the average. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. BTW, missed this game because I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Nick Blackburn - Returned from the hospital in time to see this game. Honestly, I’m not buying into this guy. He seems usable with the right match-ups, but not on any of my teams. Not right now. Now I’m going to down an aspirin, a Bloody Mary and a ‘lude and hope this hangover goes away. Remind me not to drink again.

In his first major league start, Max Scherzer didn’t look like Jobacum, Linecum and Joba’s love child, just a nervous rookie pitcher. You see a lot of unearned runs and you think to yourself, “Leave it to the Baby-Backs to fark up my man Jobacum.” Yeah, that was a gift by the official scorer. That call could’ve went either way and I think it probably should’ve been a hit. So the ERA should’ve been higher. Balls were hit hard. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, “He didn’t look so pitchy, dawg.” With just 119 1/3 innings last season and Doug Davis set to press him for his rotation spot when he returns, Scherzer probably won’t stick in the rotation. Doug Davis is far from a sure thing, but Scherzer’s innings are really the concern. I could see Scherzer put into a long relief role within a month to make sure Jobacum doesn’t blow his load. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - C’mon, he looks ridunkous. Are you kidding me? 41/8 K/BB. That’s nasty. Seriously, that alone is really all you need to know. I’ve watched him pitch every game and that number is not misrepresenting anything. When I was watching him today I realized something, the batter knows what’s coming and still can’t hit it! (Sorry for the exclamation point, but I felt it was necessary.) This is tremendous. The only thing stopping him is a manager that won’t want to drive up his innings…. Oh, wait, Dusty’s managing him. Okay, so don’t draft him in 2010 when he has 700 innings on his arm.

Geovany Soto - Got a hold of one off of Soto. I still say to trade him if you can get the right deal.

Brad Hawpe - Two home runs now in three days. Still wouldn’t start him against lefties. That’s why you carry Spilborghs, whose porn mustache should have its own harem, on your deep league roster.

Eric Byrnes - You’re wondering why he’s slumping so bad, then you realize last year was the outlier (Word of the Day). He has a .267 career average. He is what he is, but he’s not what he was last year.

Chad Billingsley - I keep pimping him and I keep getting questions, “Should I trade Arod, Magglio and my son’s college tuition money for Cliff Lee?” Cliff Lee’s masquerading, Billingsley is not.

Andruw Jones - He’s batting seventh and platooning within The Pierre Situation™. He’s really not on anyone’s team anymore, is he? I mean, he’s no longer even running balls out. I predicted he’d be retired by the age of 35. I might knock that down to 33. He’s gone from Hall of Fame talk to I Wish Pierre Was Starting Instead of Him talk in a little over two years. Torre needs to go Full Metal Jacket, “I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the team! I will motivate you, Andruw Jones!”

David Ortiz - So I, like, traded Ortiz for Cliff Lee and I’m, like, wondering if I did good. People need to chillax with burying Ortiz. Sure, he’s probably a few years older than Miguel Tejada who’s probably a few years older than he’s now owning up to, but Ortiz will be fine.

Joey Devine - Waking Joey Devine has three wins on the year and he’s the setup man in case Huston Street keeps blowing saves.

Daisuke Matsuzaka - The walks will come back to hurt him at some point. Probably will have an ERA of 4 by the All-Star break.

Wladimir Balentien - Wlady B. hit his second home run.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - God, his last name is a real pain to spell. He DH’d today. If he’s getting in there when he’s not catching, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in shallow mixed leagues.

Ervin Santana - Probably could have pitched into the tenth inning if he was needed. 38/9 K/BB and he just keeps looking better.

Brandon Wood - First home run of the season. Loved to see him get some time, but right now there’s no guarantee of that.

Shane Victorino - Member last week when he was sitting in favor of Werth? He didn’t sit today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. Or the… Well, you get the picture.

Matt Kemp - Third home run. He doesn’t get to twenty.

Matt Joyce - Was called up as the Tigers designated Jacques Jones for assignment. Joyce has some pop against righties, and can strikeout with the best of them. Of course, he’s not in Yahoo anyway. I’m going to write an E-Book, “Fantasy Baseball Sites Need Ten Things.” Players available on waivers is numero freakin’ uno. I don’t even want to pick up Joyce, but this is really annoying.

Dr. Julie Andrews sure has been busy lately. First sending Posada to the DL now Smoltz. Officially Smoltz has a severely old arm that has been severely overused which leaves him severely doubtful for a while. Actually, that wasn’t official, but let’s just say the injury news reaffirms a sore arm that first appeared in March. So what does that mean? It means you’re S.O.L — shit out of luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if Smoltz isn’t around for a few months and even when he returns, it may not be for long. He may just return, pitch a few times then reinjure himself. So what do you do? Well, you put him on your DL or you trade him for fifty cents on the dollar. I suggest you trade him. Old pitchers with a ton of innings on their arm who complain of arm soreness in spring training, then go on the DL with the same arm soreness, aren’t good ones to hold onto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - Um, yeah… Well, he did retire César Izturis once. Okay, he was rocked. By the Cardinals. Badly. But he’s not the first rookie pitcher to get hit hard. Last year, Lincecum and Gallardo both had their hiccups (or vomitings, depending on your POV). He’s a rookie pitcher and these things have to be weathered or get out of the rookie pitcher game. Will Cueto continue to get rocked? Let’s hope not, but he’s a rookie. He did tweak something in his leg last time out, so maybe that was the issue. Let’s hope so. He still has a tremendous K/BB ratio. You can’t drop him to waivers yet as much as you might want to.

Derrek Lee - I said in January, “In the 2nd half last year, he finally regained his power that was so badly missing after his wrist injury. Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.” And that’s me quoting me! Can he hit 45 home runs? Doubtful, but 35 seems more than doable.

Joe Borowski - He’s playing toss, which is to say he’s throwing as hard as he can. Oofa! Yeah, he’s still a few weeks away from pressing Betancourt and even then, I’m skeptical he can be an effective closer. Although…

Rafael Betancourt - Was a shook one. Beltre (who had three walks in a game for the first time since 2004!) hit a bomb. Betancourt’s still fine. For now. Stay posted.

Ben Sheets - Six times in his career he’s walked five or more batters. Tonight he walked seven. I’m guessing he’s hiding an injury. I know, big surprise.

Alfonso Soriano - He’s coming back from the DL on Thursday and will immediately go into the leadoff spot. I’d field offers to see what I could get because, as always, before the injured player returns he has the most value. I wouldn’t trade him for a chicken fetus and toast, but, ya know, send out feelers.

Jonathan Broxton - Looks to be headed to the DL. This actually hurts me more than Smoltz because I have Broxton on a lot of teams. It was described as an injury simliar to Rich Harden’s. *sticking my head in the oven*

Troy Tulowitzki - Ugh. He left the game with an apparent leg injury. Hopefully it’s nothing to serious because he hasn’t even started to hit yet. The last thing his owners (me on a lot of teams) need is for him to be sidelined and never get on track. Baker was supposed to start last night. *turning on the oven*

Chad Cordero - Going back to the DL. Maybe Nomar and Blalock can work him into their carpool schedule. Kids gotta go to school!

Troy Glaus - I know it’s not a sexy pick, but, as I keep saying, he can help you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - This guy is laying a major turd baby in every single at-bat. Honestly, I thought last year’s 1st half slump was simply a rookie adjusting and his 2nd half numbers were a sign that he would come out fast this year. Well, this article I wrote way back in December was a joke, but seems eerily prescient (Word of the Day, bitches!).

Joel Pinero, Carlos Silva and Josh Fogg - Combined for like 80 innings of 2 run baseball yesterday with like a .00001 WHIP. Why won’t my pitching suck?!

Ryan Zimmerman - Hit his first home run since April 2nd. I’m still not a fan, but this might lead to a hot streak. Those Zimmerfans out there better hope so.

Jose Guillen - If picking up Guillen off waivers causes you to have an erection for longer than four hours, you need to see a doctor, but I told you last week he was a good buy low. Is he exciting? No, but he’ll get some home runs.

Chipper Jones - Player of the month. I’d still trade him tomorrow for the right offer. In fact, I suggest you start trying to trade him. He won’t stay healthy for 150 games like he wants to. His value will never be higher than it will be today.

Mike Cameron - Returned and was placed right into the two hole. He went 3-for-5 with two runs and two RBIs. I felt like Tejada was a great pick this year because he wanted to prove to people that he was clean and under 35. By that twisted logic, Cameron could also be in for a good year. If you won’t pick him up because he cheated, grab JR Towles — he went to Jesus Camp.

Here’s what I said in January, “I’m just going to point out one negative. In 650 ABs, he walked 33 times and struck out 109 times. He’s got speed; he’s in a great hitting park. He will not hit .288 again. At the first sign of struggle, he starts swinging for the fences and he goes into a deep funk. Hitters who don’t take walks fall into slumps. Do yourself a favor and let someone else draft Phillips. Projections: 80/19/75/.240/25 and is benched in July because his slump is “all in his head.”” And that is me quoting me. Through yesterday’s game Brandon Phillips is at 10/2/6/.250/3 with 20 Ks and 6 walks through 88 at-bats. Also, his BABIP is above the league average, so he actually is doing better than he should. As Rich Dad would say, Brandon Phillips is a liability, not an asset. Will he become completely unusable? I think he could. That’s not to say he will. It’s a bad sign when there’s chance. Don’t trade him for a Sportflics Canseco rookie card and a can of cola, but I would entertain offers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Carlos Gomez - He homered yesterday, but I don’t think that’s an indication of great things on the horizon. As I said two weeks ago, a guy who tries to bunt with two strikes to get on base is not really someone you want to invest too heavily in. Picture this: Guy buys a Ferrari, but can’t afford gas.

Francisco Liriano - I told you to trade him two weeks ago. He has no value now.

Johnny Cueto - I began writing a strongly-worded letter to Dusty Baker when he let Cueto bat in the fifth inning, but Cueto surprised me and made short work of the Astros in the sixth and seventh inning. I feel like Cueto’s my little brother and I have to defend him, but he really only made a few mistakes in this entire game and half of them were to Berkman, who is on fire right now.

Corey Patterson - Was good to see him get the start against a righty (it’s bad that it’s not a given). Then Dusty pulled him for Freel when he was about to face a different righty. Oh, Dusty, you do have your way, huh? Corey made a baserunning mistake prior to getting yanked; he’s now probably further in the doghouse. He better give Jayson Nix a call for some moral support.

Brian “The Brain” McCann - He was the only top catcher I liked coming into this season for his value versus ADP. Hasn’t disappointed thus far, not to mention his slide into third for his triple was like a Triple Lindy gone bad.

Dustin McGowan - Seven walks. Sixteen on the season. Like when a girl calls you after a first date and says, “I had a really good time tonight.” Too much, too soon.

Jayson Werth - Four home runs and a .300 average. When The Flying Hawaiian returns, Jenkins isn’t going to play a whole lot.

Donnie Murphy - 2 home runs yesterday. Still nothing to see here.

Cliff Lee - For those wondering where this is coming from, he did finish fourth in the Cy Young voting in 2005 when he won 18 games and posted a sub-4.00 ERA. Though the strikeouts to this point are high. If you can move him for Wainwright or Maine, I would.

Miguel Olivo - I thought the lack of Miguel Cabrera post-home run hugs and booty slaps might affect Olivo adversely, but he’s hit three home runs in ten games.

Rafael Betancourt - In case you forgot because he hadn’t recorded a save yet, he is the closer.

Melky Cabrera - 4 home runs and counting.

Adam Melhouse - Injured his right hand. Whoopie-dee-doo, right? If he goes down, Salty comes back. Come again? You need a catcher, right? JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA might get the call-up. (I kinda hope he doesn’t cause his name is a nightmare to spell.)

Mike Napoli - 5 home runs and counting. Does it really matter if he’s not starting every game?

Chad Billingsley - I’m going to try a little experiment. Before the game starts, I’m writing this *****GUESS ALERT: Billingsley’s going to strikeout a lot because the D-Backs are swing-happy, he’ll walk a few cause that’s what he do, and he’ll still lose.***** Okay, I’m back. Wow, I did pretty well. And so did Chad, 12 Ks and only two walks. Very nice, but he still gave up five runs. I have no idea how he pulled that off because I had to watch Survivor. SPOILER ALERT: I can’t believe Jason, James and Erik didn’t try something. They made me embarrassed to be a man (as if it’s not embarrassing enough watching Survivor). James needs to stop talking about Eve and the stupid apple and start playing the game. And when did they develop Natalie’s character? Um, never. She was completely out of left field. You need to plant the seeds that someone is an -ocker short of a rocker. Okay, Survivor rant over. Sorry.

Nomar Garciaparra - He’s batting third. The Dodgers’ offense called and they said they wanted Mike Piazza back. They’d even take ‘07 Piazza. (BTW, You know that twitchy shizz Nomar does before he gets into the box? You think he does that before he gets into Mia’s box? If Mia were to let him.

Brian Bannister sports a .86 ERA, a miniscule WHIP and three wins AND beat Francisco Liriano. Can this continue? His strikeout rate is pretty poor, but in one of the ten team mixed leagues I’m in, I picked up Bannister today. It’s a league of owners that are better friends than they are fantasy players. I don’t assume Bannister is still out there in many leagues, but for a few of those leagues where players aren’t quick to the waiver wire or with team owners who don’t pick up Royals because of what they have meant in the past, Bannister might be out there, I’d pick him up even in those shallow leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Nick Markakis - I’ve been walking around my house screaming, “I am Markakis! No, I am Markakis!” for the last two weeks trying to spur him on to greatness. (My girlfriend has been thrilled.) Finally, he went yard. I hope this is the sparkakis he needs to go on a hot streak. He’s a notorious slow starter so if he can start hot this year, we could be in for a nice ride.

Francisco Liriano - Ah, the aforementioned Liriano. As I said on Friday, you should’ve traded him on Saturday.

Alex Gordon - I hope he reaches the 20/20 season I predicted because I have him in just about every league except for my NL-only ones (and don’t think I didn’t try and sneak him through).

Cliff Lee - I think he’s on Rudy’s list of players who should be Asian given their name. Anyway, pitched a great game against the woeful A’s. He has the Twins, Royals and Mariners up next. Two out of three on the woeful scale isn’t bad.

Jon Rauch - He’s great for K, Whip and ERA help so I wouldn’t drop him just because Cordero is back. (Because, frankly, I don’t know how long Cordero is going to be back.)

Joe Crede - Do I think Crede finishes the season with 184 homers and 377 RBIs? Maybe not, but he could hit three more homers this week then reverts to the Crede we know and hate. I’d pick him up until he reverts if you have room. You gotta ride hot streaks.

Wandy Rodriguez - I played the Wandy start at home/sit on the road game last year. It worked out well for me.

Burke Badenhop - I watched him play before I put in my claim. Saying he’s a poor man’s Derek Lowe, is an insult to poor men everywhere.

Shane Victorino - While I didn’t get him in any leagues this year, because he ended up going much higher than I would’ve paid for him, I still love The Flying Hawaiian™ and I hope he gets well soon. Meantime, put him on your DL. I hope Victorino doesn’t prove to be injury-prone his entire career because he’s beginning to seem that way.

Javier Vazquez - Man, the ‘08 Tigers and ‘27 Yankees comparisons ended real quick.

Franklin Gutierrez - No idea if he’ll ever get a chance to play again regularly after starting so slow, but if he does, I might go back for more pain. He’s talented and is only 25. As of right now, I’m done with anyone who regularly gets benched for Jason Michaels.

Johnny Cueto - Well, we all knew there would be some speed bumps, but Jason Bay? C’mon, your farkin’ initials are JC. Honestly, he walked one guy and had some balls up in the strike zone. I’ll take my chances if every pitcher on my staff gives up one walk against six strikeouts in six innings.