It’s been a while since I went through all the major league closers and their setup men and where they should be ranked. So I figured I’d break it down for you because knowing all the closers and all of their setup man could be helpful for all of you. A million dollars and a naked Christina Ricci chained to your furnace could also be helpful, but I don’t have a furnace. Anyway, all the major league closers and their setup men seems like something all fantasy baseball players could use, so here it is. BTW, do you see how giving I am? I’m like Jolie-giving. Seriously, I should be wearing a habit and carrying a Malaysian orphan in a baby sling while talking on my solar-powered cellphone.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers (Papelbon — a no-brainer! Get it? Oofa!). These closers could get you the most in any trade. I would not hesitate to trade away any of these guys for the right price. In the end, closers are here to get you saves. You could end up with more saves from Rauch than Joe Nathan. When stacked with closers, unstack and trade.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (Aaron Heilman)
6. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon)
7. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers seem like they have a lot more risk than they actually do. It takes a real brainer to see how potentially valuable some of these brainers are. If you trade a no-brainer for a brainer and another player, you’re likely coming out on top.

8. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez, Leo Nunez)
9. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
10. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
11. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell, Cla Meredith)
14. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. J.J. Putz, SEA (Brandon Marrow, Sean Green)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol)
21. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)

BRAIN FREEZE

At some point soon, you’re going to squeeze your temples and grimace like you just ate a pint of Dreyer’s. All of these guys should be traded after they go on a string of few saved games, assuming they go on a string of a few saved games.

22. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
23. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
24. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
25. Manny Acosta, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, et al, ATL (John Smoltz)
26. Rafael Betancourt/Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Joe Borowski)
27. Todd Jones, DET (Clay Rapada, Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Salomon Torres, G. Mota)
29. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
30. Ryan Franklin/Russ Springer, STL (Jason Isringhausen)

It’s with no regret that I announce (Well, I’m not exactly announcing it. The Brewers are, but bear with me.) that Eric Gagne is no longer the closer. Officially, the Brewers say it’s a mental break. I say, it’s a “You can’t take steroids anymore and the Brewers should’ve never acquired him in the first place” break. On Friday, I told you I think Salomon Torres will walk away with a large chunk of saves. If he’s gone, as a speculation on Gagne’s replacement, you have to grab Mota or Riske. Grab everyone basically, even Shouse, if you need saves. I think Gagne will be eventually back closing for the Brewers and he’ll get five or six more saves before he undoubtably needs another mental break. Guess now he’ll have time to tuck in his shirt. Anyway, here’s what else I (and others) saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - I missed the Mets game because I was hungover and needed to submerge my head into a tub of ice. So I put Rudy on the case, here’s what he said over IM, “Castillo got a gift triple in the first which led to 3 runs, but they were crushing Cueto in the first 2 IP. Then 2 innings were fine. Then a bullshit infield single for Castillo. K’d Wright. Then hung a curve that Beltran hit into orbit. No great story other than Cueto’s stuff is good, but remains a risky bet. I wish I traded him to you instead of Zach Attack. Parra’s unstartable, but I’m starting Cueto outside of Colorado. BTW, you’re the greatest writer in the history of blogs. In fact, blogs should be renamed to Glegs, which is a portmanteau (Word of the Day).”  Thanks, Rudy.

Brian Bannister - I was vomiting blood during this game, so I turned to my Uncle Yitz, who lives in KC, “Bannister is luckier than a blind man in a braille store.” Thanks, Uncle Yitz.

Carl Crawford - Blood turned to phlegm so I let Momma Grey write this one for Mother’s Day, “Carl who? Is that our mailman?” “Maybe you’re thinking of Karl Malone.” “Karl Malone is our mailman’s name?” Thanks, Mom! I still believe Crawford gets over 20 home runs and I’d trade for ‘our mailman’ in a second.

Ryan Braun - Everyone’s well aware of my stance on Braun, but he did hit two home runs yesterday. I say sell, but you do what you do.

Shawn Hill - Still not getting Ks or Ws like I’d want, but in deep leagues, you can do a lot worse. Actually, in shallow leagues you could do worse.

Khalil Greene - Been a buy low candidate for me for about a month. He is what he is, which is 25 home runs. If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy KG.

Santiago Casilla - Finally gave up some runs, but he just got another win. Listen, when it’s time to bail, I’ll give you a heads up, but fantasy baseball is like a craps table. When the table’s hot, ride the effin’ table. When the table’s cold, go to a strip club.

Jonathan Broxton - I know you want to drop him quickfast. I think that’s being too reactionary. He recently had problems with his lat muscle, so he might not be himself. Bench him for a few days to see if yesterday’s outing was a one time bludgeoning or if you need to do a mercy killing.

Justin Speier - Not sure if anyone’s on this train wreck, but you need to get off, you ain’t ‘Unbreakable.’

Ervin Santana - Missed this game because my girlfriend was administering an IV, but his final line surprises me less than his first month of stats, if that makes sense — sweet!

Dan Uggla - If he hits forty, he’s worth the average. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. BTW, missed this game because I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Nick Blackburn - Returned from the hospital in time to see this game. Honestly, I’m not buying into this guy. He seems usable with the right match-ups, but not on any of my teams. Not right now. Now I’m going to down an aspirin, a Bloody Mary and a ‘lude and hope this hangover goes away. Remind me not to drink again.

Major league closers are constantly changing and there’s always being discussed. So let’s do that. WTF, Putz is injured? Who’s backing up Gagne? Who’s setting up Huston Street? Who is Jason Grilli? Chad Cordero is injured and Rauch is closing, not or yacht? And do I need to know any of these things? Yes, no, no, yes, no and yes. So here’s a look at the closers that need to be watched for this week.

JJ Putz is injured and I tried to warn people against taking the first closer off the board (or even a top closer). Putz seemed to pull something (ribcage, if you must know). Mark Lowe’s now closing for the Mariners. This might get worse before Putz gets better, so look to Sean Green (not the Jew that retired) or Eric O’Flaherty in case Lowe falters.

Eric Gagne’s on his way out. He was ‘roided and now, as Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Flavor of Love would say, he has been exposed. As I said in the comments on this post, “I just choose between the three (Mota, Riske, Turnbow) in one ten team league and I went with Riske. Seems to be the safest even if he’s not the one called. It’s tough though because Riske is probably the best, Turnbow’s got the longest history there and they’ve seen him close before (though it was scary at times) and Mota’s supposedly the set-up man. We’ll see what cream of the crap rises up. My guess for saves would be Turnbow, Riske then Mota, but I couldn’t afford the Turnbow WHIP hit in the league I picked him up.” Hey, I’ve been quoted! I am an expert! Riske was nasty to the Cubs yesterday. I think you have to grab him. But I still wouldn’t be surprised to see Mota or Turnbow grab some saves. You must monitor Gagne. He’s a timebomb.

Brandon Lyon was lights out the other night against the Reds. The Reds strikeout more than that kid from “The Last American Virgin” who drove the girl for an abortion then was dumped. I have Brandon Lyon on one team and I’m hoping Tony Pena is dropped so I can handcuff him.

Chad Cordero handing off the closer duties to Jon Rauch…. For one game, supposedly. Chad Cordero’s a heffin’ liar. Cordero is going on the DL. Today? Tomorrow? Next week? I don’t know, but it’s happening. If you order a “stiff shoulder,” you lose the closing job for a period of time.  I’m doubtful Rauch is available in any of your leagues, and, if he is, I don’t think your league is very competitive.

Huston Street looks like a man that is going to lose his job. I saw it happen with Valverde one year. Happened to Fuentes last year. My gut says Street is going to be figuring things out in the 6th inning soon. With that said, do you really want to pick up Alan Embree, Keith Foulke or Joey Devine? Well, Alan Embree was figuring things out in the 6th inning yesterday and gave up a home run to Ortiz. Keith Foulke will never be on one of my teams. Devine? He’s yet to proven himself in the majors. With the A’s being dreadful this year, you might have to avoid this whole mess.

Matt Capps and Damaso Marte both got hit the other day, but I think Capps has great job security. So why mention him? Capps was walking hitters (something he rarely did last year) the other night. I think Capps would have to be injured to lose this job. Walks could be a sign that he’s hiding an injury. Hopefully, he’s not.

Kerry Wood is the closer while Carlos Marmol is the setup man. Kerry Wood looked like crap. Marmol cruised through four hitters, striking out three. To be continued.

CJ Wilson hasn’t had any problems yet this year. I still see ‘perts grabbing Kazuo Fukumori and Joaquin Benoit. As of right now, I see no reason to handcuff Wilson.

Tom Gordon is being dropped in some leagues of mine. I wouldn’t do this just yet, because of Lidge’s uncertainty, but I would put Gordon on my bench until further notice.