Fantasy Baseball Advice

And then Dustin Pedroia turned my Silver Bullet into a Sam Adams.  I wouldn’t have believed it either, if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.   But Pedroia wasn’t done there.  Noooo…  With a droplet of his sweat, he defrosted Ted Williams so The Splendid Splinter could go to a Southie’s Little League game.  But that’s not it!  Did you know Pedroia single-handedly completed The Big Dig?  Sure, it was fifteen years off schedule, but it would’ve been thirty.   By the way, you lost your virginity because of Dustin Pedroia.  Yes, you did!  If he didn’t get Suzy What’s-Her-Face drunk, you’d still think boners were only associated with opening a Topps pack and finding a Dan Gladden rookie card.  Oh, and you’re lucky for C-sections, cause Pedroia is your mother.  Deal with that!  Now all of these magnificent achievements by Pedroia could make him overrated in 2009 fantasy baseball, but luckily we all have minds of our own, right?

Wrong.  What are you people doing?  Seriously.  I see Pedroia being drafted as early as the 2nd round in some drafts. Why not just make him the first pick overall and be done with it?  What are you people honestly hoping for in 2009 from Pedroia?  A 40/40 season?  Unless dooode is shooting up some Bondsteriodian clear, he’s not going to come close to fulfilling your expectations.  He’s a 15/15 guy with some upside for more.  But there’s downside on those numbers too.  You really want a 12/12 2nd baseman in the 2nd round?  Why not just draft Yunel with your first pick and Dusty second?  Sure, position scarcity makes Pedroia a wee bit more valuable, but not as valuable as I’ve seen him being drafted.  Then there’s his 118 RBIs last year.  He hit .307 with RISP, not completely clutch.  In 2007, he hit .263 with RISP and drove in 50.  Could he drive in only 50 again?  Yup.  Or maybe he drives in 60.  Still not 2nd round (or 3rd round) value.  His HR/fly balls were double in 2008 than they were in 2007, he had only 50 walks in over 700 plate appearances and he cured rubella.  Listen, he’s about the fourth best 2nd baseman going into 2009.  He’s not a 2nd (or even 3rd) round pick.  Chillax, people.  You would’ve got laid eventually, with or without Dustin Pedroia‘s help.

I know; I’m a bad person for putting Josh Hamilton in the 2009 fantasy baseball overrated category.  Sorry.  I also don’t like soda.  It is what it is.  Don’t hate the player, hate the cola.  Last year, Josh Hamilton entered a 12 step program for fantasy relevance.  Step 1. Stay healthy.  Step 2.  Go into the All-Star Break with almost 100 RBIs.  Step 3.  Stop sucking people off for drugs.  Step 4.  Stop having your girlfriend/wife/whatever suck people off for drugs for you.  Step 5.  Seriously follow steps 3 and 4.  Step 6.  When pumping gas, don’t huff it.  Step 7.  Call your sponsor, Otis Nixon.  Step 8.  Admit you are powerless to Rum Raisin and don’t sample it.  Step 9.  Humbly ask Him to remove you from a lineup with Edwin Encarnacion and Scott Hatteberg and move you to Arlington and Kinsler and a career year Milton Bradley.  Step 10.  Win the hearts and minds of everyone at the All-Star Game’s Home Run Derby.  Step 11.  Somehow convince people that anything is possible including a 40/20 season.  Step 12.  Actually follow these steps.  So that’s all that was necessary for Josh Hamilton to get on your 1st and 2nd round radars for 2009 fantasy drafts.  Now what can we expect from him in 2009 for fantasy baseball?

Carlos Lee.  Wait, huh?  Weren’t you just talking about Josh Hamilton? I was, random italicized voice.  Chillax.  All I meant was, Carlos Lee has been doing for years what you can reasonably expect from Josh Hamilton in 2009.  When was the last time you considered Carlos Lee in the 1st round?  Never?  Yeah, me neither.  This is not to say Josh Hamilton is going to suck a giant bottle of Mediocre in 2009.  He’s a great talent.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes 35/110/.300/10, i.e., Carlos Lee’s numbers.  Also, don’t forget Hamilton wore down in the 2nd half last year and he’s injury-prone.  While some will be drafting Josh Hamilton in the 1st round of 2009 drafts, I’ll be shooting up on some Carlos Lee-infused smack at the end of the 2nd round.  Suck on that pipe, Pookie!