Every week, I am forced to talk about Grey vs. Rudy as they battle for numero uno of numero uno. I watch them like a cyclops with a monocle. Honestly though, I don’t mind, it’s better than watching half the shows on the old tube… it’s really a bad picture without HD. My only problem is, I can’t help but wonder what else I would like to see them compete at. What about an American Ninja Warrior style course or a Double Dare battle with Marc Summers hosting? I think I need to talk to Nick about doing something fun next year for pre-season baseball. But what else can we do? A high stakes poker game like Rounders? A game of drunken Trivial Pursuit? Name that Tune? Talent style Gong Show? Brady Bunch House of Cards? A bring it on dance off? The possibilities are endless. You know what Ralph and Nick the Dick would like to see? No not that sicko…but a hip-hop battle like Ralph and I do on hip-hop Sundays. Rudy vs. Grey trying to best each other with old school cuts, because they are old school? And by old school I mean old. Here, I’ll get you started with some Steady B and KMD!Please, blog, may I have some more?
What is left to say for the 2014 fantasy baseball year in a virtual world between strangers as we keep inching to the end of the RCL season. I’m just living in a virtual world and I am just a virtual….woh, were did the Madonna lyrics come from? I need to take a nap and get some rest. What’s that Grey? But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my Baez! Okay, this is too weird, and I need to get Madonna out of my head. It must be from watching Reservoir Dogs the other night and that mind burning opening scene (NSFW). Now that we got that out of the way, and hopefully never to return, let’s talk about what you are playing for this year. Below is the Grand Champion Trophy. If you really want one of these, and you’re not the Grand Champ, then you can always order your own here and put whatever you like on it. Mine says “best at not being the best of 2014”. One last thing before I move on is the Fantasy Baseball Team Name contest for the RCLs. Entries must be from the RCL, and the winner gets a free T-Shirt. Place your nominations here so we can create a ballot for everyone to vote.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do you feel like being judged for your creativity? Do you like when everyone stares at you for being you? Well, if you say no, that’s too bad because we are going to judge you anyway. This year we have decided to award some lucky RCL player with a Razzball T-Shirt for having the best fantasy baseball team name. Yup, that’s right we want to say thank you all for another great year in the RCLs and what better way than to have you judge each other. Will we be giving extra points if you used our fantasy baseball team name generator? No, no we won’t.Please, blog, may I have some more?
This year we have a new trophy for the Grand Champion, and it’s not something you can wear or lose in the lobby of your building before you even get it. We want to add to your collection of stuff that your wife, girlfriend, mother, or cat will hate and want out of the house. But to your friends and peers, it’s like a gold chain to hang around your neck and an added strut to your walk like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Without further ado here it is, and here’s also a link to Far Out Award, were you can order your own for your home leagues.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Long before I became a hack over here at Razzball, I was a frequent commenter known as “Jack Full of Hate”. J-FOH is an acronym for those that haven’t figured that out yet. I was known for my rants, smack and general disdain for anything and everything. Then one day that angry guy with a heart of gold was recruited by Sky out of the comments section and turned into a contributer for the best fantasy sports website on the net. After starting to write for the football side and passing his Silence of the Lambs test I got the green light to join the baseball side. You might ask yourself, what is a Silence of the Lambs test? It’s the part of the interview where Sky threw me in a pit, tucked his junk, held his 80-pound dog and yelled at me it rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again as I screamed “I want to write for Razzball!” Then he got me drunk, took me to a football game, and then threw me back in the pit. I never understood the second trip into the pit because thats where it got really weird. He blared this song while he danced around wearing clown make-up as he flung chili at me for the next day and a half. Now what does Sky’s eccentricity have to do with the RCL updates this week? It’s a two part response, with the first being advised by my therapist to get this off my chest, and the second to demonstrate how he broke me. That hateful one has been reined in but alas a savior came to my aid when last week Grey told me I can go ahead and do a shame segment this week. I’ve been watching highlights of this play to get my anger up. F**k you Brian Sabean…F**k you Bruce Bochy and F**k you Baseball for ruining my game even more than it already has been. It’s f**king baseball b*tches lets play it like it’s meant to be. This is why I love fantasy so much because the reality of the real game makes me want to slit my wrists and start listening country pop. [Jay’s Note: Not necessarily in that order…]Please, blog, may I have some more?
With 3/4 of the season over, it’s time to show your moxy and show up every day to play. This ain’t over, and you might be surprised how much ground can still be made up. Don’t start Trippin’ like you’re at the Disco! Yes that was a plug for a video I want you to watch. I’m trying to keep it light in here. Have a smoke and a pancake and just chill. Make smart moves, dump dead weight, start looking at your starting pitchers next 4 starts and see how many of those you will actually throw them, never leave your computer, always have your phone charged, stay away from daylight because you can burn your eyes out and not be able to play, slap your self awake (feel better? YES YOU DO!). Now do it again to avoid the caffeine jitters, feel that adrenaline run through you, just stay alive so you can win this and screw your job, money is over rated, women will ruin our good time and for god’s sake DON’T RELY ON BILLY BUTLER! I’m sorry, I ‘m losing it over here because not only am I trying to win a few leagues, I’m also working with the football side here at Razzball and I need you all to take our oath of allegiance (I pledge allegiance to the Razz…) and sign up for RCL football NOW!
Oh Jack, I don’t play football
DON’T WHINE…SHUT UP AND PLAY!
But I’m a baseball guy, I don’t get it
LOT’S OF GIRLS PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL YOU SISSY BOY, SHUT UP AND PLAY!
Why are you yelling at us?
BECAUSE I CAN, NOW SHUT UP AND PLAY!….please?
Great, thanks for playing. Now that I got out of the way. It’s time to start talking about you and by you I mean those of you in the RCL’s. If you’re not then please move on to the comments and ask me random questions. I’m kidding, read what you’re missing out on and hope Santa doesn’t skip you this year because you didn’t play an RCL. Yup, we got that kind of pull around here.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Day three of my mini-marathon posting, and I have to tip my cap to Grey. I have no idea how he does this six times a week. But I’m not here to talk about me, I’m here to talk about you. The Razzball RCL players who have put in the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to win your league. Speaking of Blood, Sweat, and Tears, here is one that opens with lyrics that many of us can relate to right now. Did anyone else notice the really bad fake tan on that round face with the mic? I’m sure that Costa Rican commenter we have in here saw them live at some point during his more youthful days. Wait! What am I doing? Am I writing this for baby boomers or for their children? Here is one from my boy Talib, talking about struggle trying to come up in the game. He talks about his blood, sweat, and tears too. So it kinda works in a stretch. Now that’s more like it. I’m going to try and up the coverage this week and showcase a few more leagues. As well as go over the top-10 overall, and talk about the Grey vs. Rudy vs. the other 10 guys that don’t stand a chance league.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Everybody’s always talkin’
‘Bout who’s on top
Don’t cross our path ’cause
You’re gonna get stomped
We ain’t gonna give anybody any slack
And if you try to keep us down
We’re gonna come right back
And you know we’re
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough
Hangin’ tough, are you tough enough?
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough
Hangin’ tough, we’re rough
Who’s your favorite New Kid? Please don’t answer that. I just needed an eye catcher today as I take the reins over from Jay “don’t call him Ray” Wrong. The Korish keeper of the all mighty sacred RCL leagues. As they say in Lord of the Rings, There can be only one…until football, then we need two. (Why is it Lord of the Rings if there is only one ring?) Anydahoo, I’m Sam to his Frodo, Jake to his Elwood, Donnie to his Joey? Ok this is getting weird and I hope he doesn’t photoshop our faces onto a New Kids pic. Who am I kidding, I totally want to see that. Now that I have a public picture personally doctored by the Guru, I can move on without feeling like I’m hiding. Hello Razzballers! Now the New Kids are actually relevant because now is the time to be hangin’ tough and not keeping yourself down. You may think you are out of it but you aren’t and even if you are have some pride and play til the end. Don’t give anyone an easy win by quitting, play on or play football with Razzball! (insert shameless plug in 5,4,3 2, 1) Have you signed up for our RCL Fantasy Football yet, well here is your chance to kick our arses all over the place and win the respect and adulation of us and maybe some Arby’s coupons or one of Jay’s Makers Mark bird feeders. Great reclaimed products buddy!
We’ve now officially reached the second-half of the baseball season, even though we officially reached that mark more than two weeks ago, according to the math. But since I get along with numbers about as well as I get along with asparagus, we apparently have two official second-half beginning points. I mean, we could have 80, but why? So yeah, the All Star break is now behind us, and we can now begin to get an idea if our teams have what it takes to either win a championship or, you know, not win a championship. And I know the general feeling around this time if your team is in the bottom-half of the standings is to throw in the towel. But you should try to fight that urge. Remember, there is still enough time to make a difference. How do I know that? Because it took all this time for you to get to arrive at this crucial juncture. And by that logic, there is an equal amount of time (sans two weeks) where anything can happen. Murphy’s Law yo. Your team could go on a tear while teams ahead of you collapse… things like this happen all the time, 50% of the time, some of the times.
Be that lawnmower people. Be the hope. Be the dream. Never give up, never surrender. Or, you know, just start your fantasy football research by heading on over to Football.Razzball.com. That works too.Please, blog, may I have some more?
All-Duds… sounds like a candy. But, if we are taking it literally, it would be candy flavored as poop. Or, actually, now that I think of it, it would be flavored as duds. Which might taste like poop, but I’ve tasted neither, so I cannot deny, nor confirm the flavor. So yeah, that’s right, we’re here at the All-Star break, an event which has actual real-world MLB ramifications, yet is regarded like a Bono press event by fans and players alike. Thanks Bud Selig! What’s the cure in our RCL corner? As I might have alluded to it with my candy-poop, (call me, ladies), I hereby refuse your All-Stars. I don’t want them, I don’t need them, and since I’m already knee-deep in the fantasy football warm-up (clutch link drop right there), I honestly have no idea who the All-Stars are. But this would be true of any season, seeing as how I care as much about the game as I care about my asparagus intake. Which is to say, not at all. So let’s have fun, and make an All-Duds team… a team, dare I say, full of poop…
Note: In a perfect world, I would tally a vote for this, then again, in a perfect world, I would be the one and only ruler of all that I see before me… which, if we’re still being literal, would be my basement. And I may have just stolen a quote from The Lion King. Anyhow, I chose these playerss using the arbitrary criteria of having at least 250 PA’s / 100 IP for SP / 28 IP for RP, and sucking every single orifice around them. Like your mom.Please, blog, may I have some more?