Note: If you play fantasy football, our rankings are being released as we speak. Well, not really as we speak, as I’m typing. But you get the point. Not really the point of a spear, this isn’t Game of Thrones. But you get the idea. Unless it’s running. Okay, I’m just going to stop now.

We are officially now somewhere near the half-way point of the baseball season. I say somewhere, because giving an accurate number would force me to do what the experts call “math”. That’s a NOPE if there ever was one. And while taking the time to open my calculator thingamajig in Windows, along with some sort of webpage that tells me how many games teams have played so far may seem so simple to you, well, I don’t really blame you. You probably think it’s just as simple and easy to hit on your mom. And that’s actually hard. I’m serious. Look at how the crotch of my jeans resembles a castle with a moat. It’s like a map of Italy making an emergency landing on an apple. I have no idea what is happening, and there’s no segue to put here… But let’s just say we got tools. Fantasy tools. And while most in the RCL Universe know what I’m talking about, maybe there are a few lost souls out there that have no idea how much the Razzball website can help you win your league. Or maybe there are a few readers out there who showed initiative, but a slow start dashed their motivation. Well, we still have another half ahead of us, so use Razzball to get yourself out of the ditch. Because what you’re doing in a ditch… I don’t know man. Why would anyone go into a ditch? Unless there’s a tornado, then studies show that your survivability rates are better in said ditch. So good job bro. Unless the ditch has a mountain lion. Then you dead son. Hey, am I too old to lay down a Ghost and the Darkness joke? Yeah. Way too f*cking old. Let’s just go over the tools… TO FANTASY SUCCESS! [Plays air guitar, eats a Cheeto].

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Here at Razzball, we usually try to take the outlandish approach whenever possible. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what the alternative is. So when my favorite player of all-time sucumbs to cancer, I just simply have no idea how to react in this medium. Well, I do have one immediate reaction. Cancer… I’m gonna need you to drive over to my house and put your hands behind your back so I can punch you as hard as possible in the d*ck. But beyond that, what else is there to do? Yes, you’ll find many remembrances, comments, and stories about the life and times of Tony Gwynn (all done by much better writers than myself), but I feel like I have to try and briefly add my two cents to the conversation. Because I’m cheap and don’t have three cents.

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So if you hadn’t noticed, Nelson Cruz has been occupying the top spot (until yesterday) on our Player Rater for quite a while now. For the season, he’s hitting .303/.374/.636 with 21 home runs, 42 runs, and 55 RBI’s. In other news, what is up is down, and I’ve already made an appointment with the Catholic church to seek what our options are for exorcism. Afterall, this isn’t the only strange thing happening in the year of the Tommy John, aka year of Closermageddon, aka year of the Nelson Cruz. I can only surmise that the fantasy baseball gods are trolling us. How do I know this for sure? Anyone see what Lonnie Chisenhall has done? I rest my case.

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Welcome to another weekly recap of your Razzball Commenter Leagues. I’m Jay, your host. Also, I’m known as Admiral Obvious, since my intro basically promoted me from Captain. Questions remain though, like, for instance, what kind of hat should I wear? Also, do I still have a ship? Or is this, like, an armada situation? More ships the better, but then, wait, what about all the decisions after that? Do I want pirate ships? Or maybe aircraft carriers? Wait a sec… I should get a aircraft pirate carrier full of parrots, swashbucklers, rail-guns, and Somali’s. Wait, that doesn’t sound as cool as I thought it would. And I might have just described the plot of Captain Phillips. So yeah. What were we talking about again? Oh, right, RCL’s. Let’s just get to this week’s theme, and that’s trades. More specifically, this is pretty much a lede that allows me to talk about some of the interesting trade offers I’ve received in my 10 RCL’s. And apparently, also to talk about pirates on aircraft carriers. I love this job.

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Looking for the Razzball Podcast? TOO BAD! It’s now Razzball Radio, and you can check out all the episodes here!

With only two (three if you are including the eventual death of Yordano Ventura‘s elbow) notable names going on the Disabled List this past week (Mike Napoli and Noah Syndergaard, who probably pulled something while pillaging a camp near the North Sea… HAHA Viking jokes, so good), things are looking a tad bit brighter. But not really, since there are still about 983 players currently on the DL according to my last count. Which seems low, but what do I know? Rudy does all my counting for me. And, as we took a moment this weekend, between relaxing and cooking stuff, to honor all the men and women, active, retired, and tragically lost while defending their county, in all the armed services, we should take a moment today to remember that Jose Fernandez is awesome. Prince Fielder, well, he’s fat. Matt Wieters‘ elbow just seems to be one angry effer. Kris Medlen is strikingly average, but some Patrick Corbin could have been nice. Special thanks to Bobby Parnell for the wake he’s left in New York. Jose Valverde… more like Jose LOLverde. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, which is probably the most apt metaphor ever. EVAAR. I mean, just check out my team’s start of the season, in picture form:

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So, after taking a moment yesterday to remember all of those brave souls that we’ve lost, and all those who have served and are serving now to preserve our way of life, let us take a moment today, Tuesday, to remember all the hamstrings that have been pulled, all the obliques that have exploded, and all the ulnar collateral ligament’s that have just simply dropped dead, and honor their sacrifice. How did I honor them, you might ask? By doing what I usually do when perusing my leagues available player list…

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My Fantasy Baseball brethen… 2014, the year of the DL… always remember.

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Look, it’s not that I want to talk about all the injuries going on in baseball ad nauseum, but another baker’s dozen of arms, obliques, and ankles died this past week, and seemingly has turned everyone’s RCL team page into a mix of names, stats, and the color known as ‘Tears of Blood and Screams of Death’ red. My favorite Crayola color next to Razzmatazz. Both of which, coincidentally, only work when doing Jazz hands. Whatever that means. Listen, I’m not a god-fearing man, but I hope she’s hot when I’m finished reincarnating a couple times. Also, the problem here might be the lack of a DL graphic that CBS uses, which is a red box with a white cross in it… but I understand that this might be problematic for the vampire population. Or maybe the cross wouldn’t help because maybe our team’s now require priests and injury protection amulets to activate the cross-box? Religion still uses amulet’s, right? And what’s the patron saint of fantasy baseball anyhow? Alex Rodriguez’s 2007 season? Rickey Henderson talking? John Rocker jumping off a three-story building? Who knows, but I’m willing to try anything at this point to part the sea of red that are now all of my RCL team’s. Get it? Moses! Yul Brynner? Meh, who cares, it wasn’t even that funny anyhow. Regardless, I think it was a great step this season to move to two DL spots instead of one. However, with the data we have now, I think we should go ahead and expand it next year to 32 DL spots. It’s a good middle-ground.

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Looking for the Razzball Podcast? TOO BAD! It’s now Razzball Radio, and you can check out all the episodes here!

This is a different kind of disaster my friends. And trust me, here in the metro area, we’ve suffered many disasters. Did you know about Snowmageddon in 2010? Sure, what we experienced during that time was what New England calls ‘any Friday night in February’, but we don’t live up in the northeast, do we? No, we’re more civilized and cultured and decided to live in a humid mid-atlantic swamp, with a cesspool of slime, filth, and trash. And that’s just K street. Don’t even get me started about the state of the Potomac river. As an added bonus, in 2011, there was the Earth quakepocolypse, where a 5.8 shaker did irreparable harm to my lawn chair. And I’ll tell you this, no one called in off-shore drillers, trained as astronauts, like they should have to save us. Well, that time is now. With Francisco Rodriguez leading the universe in saves AND father in-law abuse, the world truly is on the precipice of disaster. Global warming? Pfft, that ain’t nothin’ compared to the state of our fantasy teams. With 87% of the MLB DL-eligible, as stated here by your’s truly, we are now covering another harsh reality in this lede… the era of closers as we know it has ended. Thanks Obama! Rod Beck… hug me. Actually, don’t get near me. You smell like a week-old hot dog and the great depression…

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Looking for the Razzball Podcast? TOO BAD! It’s now Razzball Radio, and you can check out the first episode here!

Oh, hello there. I’m not quite sure why I’m greeting you like you’re in my room, but whatever. So hey. What’s up. Word. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, you should know we are now a month-and-a-half into the season, and things are looking absolutely fantastic. And by fantastic, I mean a complete injury cluster f*ck. Ain’t no joke bro. The injuries are stacking up so much, we had to dedicate an entire series to it here at Razzball. Seth has had so much content to work with, he strained his oblique just typing that thing out. Way to take one for the team! In fact, there is so much egregious DL’ing going around, Lars Ulrich is exploring a lawsuit. Haha, get it? Eh. Anyways, you know what might be an interesting experiment? Creating an all-DL team, that, if you gazed upon the look of all these guys in the pre-season (when budding feelings of hope and joy were just forming) you might faint at the sight of it. Don’t believe me? Take a look:

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And why wouldn’t I? As the District’s most profound half-Irish/half-Korean bachelor, I’m a pretty decent fish in this pretty swampy pond. Razzball Commentator J-Money knows this. How does he know this? If you missed last week’s Razzball Podcast, Nick the Podcast Radio Host announced the first 32in32in32 Tour contest. The first person to find my OkCupid dating profile would win two free tickets to the tour and get a beer from each of us. To be honest, I figured it would take longer then a span of four hours, but I didn’t realize plenty of clues were left during my long tenure here at Razz. Also, I didn’t realize you guys could do stalker so well. MORE OF YOU NEED TO BE WOMEN. That’s the lesson here. Regardless, since it is public record and has been discovered, yes, my dating profile is now available to the Razz-community. Please share it with your sisters and/or mothers. For research I guess. Speaking of research, here’s an online dating pro-tip: Stay away from profiles that have buzz-phrases like… I love to laugh. Really… who doesn’t love to laugh?  I’m a down-to-earth kind of girl. Yeah, gravity will do that to ya. I like going out with friends. No sh*t. I’m looking for a real man. Yeah, all those mannequins dressed up as Joe Manganiello must take up a lot of square footage. Oh, and last one, if they mention drama free or no drama anywhere on their profile, it means they are at the center of it. And we’re talking about a hurricane-rash on Jupiter sized level of drama. Rash’s are contagious. Remember that.

Sooooo, baseball much?

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Holy shiitake mushroom Batman… is it safe to come out yet? Bobby Parnell, Jarrod Parker, Kris Medlen, Brandon Beachy, Patrick Corbin, Bruce Rondon, Jameson Taillon, Matt Moore, and now Ivan Nova have all fallen slain to some guy named Tommy John. Arrest this guy someone! Isn’t this world tragic enough without some mad man weaponizing UCL’s? Personally, I think this is all a plot by Dr. James Andrews to do what Peyton Manning did in Denver, and that’s put himself into position to control the food supply and then ultimately force us to eat all of our cats. Hunh? In fact, Dr. Andrews recently explained why there is such an uptick in UCL surgeries, but I’m pretty sure this is what was going on in his head as he was talking. Regardless, my expert advice is to just go ahead and hide all of your pitchers on the bench and stock up on canned goods. Spam is my choice. Deal.

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