USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….
Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives! Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants! I can’t wait to see your parade where you celebrate your pride…. How about the fact that whomever won Bengie Molina was guaranteed a ring? That reminds me of my 4th marriage…. I’m so happy for Cody Ross’ family. His great-great-great grandmother was a wonderful woman and a hell of a seamstress…. I once bought a day old bagel and cracked a tooth. Since then “I feared the schmeared….” Some of you might have saw the great matriarch, Barbara Bush, at game four. She wasn’t keeping score, we were doing some old school texting… I do wish both teams could’ve won the World Series. Then some of my hedge bets would’ve made sense…. I just don’t understand Paranormal Activity 2. Why don’t they just buy a nightlight?… You know what never gets old? A conversation with my doorman…. The sales people at Best Buy are so knowledgeable. They knew exactly why I was feeling a jolt every time I used my universal remote. Will have to have Dr. Kapawitz look at my pacemaker…. Michael Jackson would be so happy to see his parents raise his children…. Does anyone know where I put my pants?… Isn’t it crazy the way Angelenos talk? It’s all Spanish to me! Ah, there’s my pants, on the ol’ gams like they should be…. Where’s Bob Newhart been? He stole my hand soaps…. Youtube looks like a Kenyan name….
Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards! Or as they call them in New Jersey, the “What’s this crap?” Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read. What a novel concept! Pun point, snitches! Anyway, here’s the 2010 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Crawford made an interesting case for MVP, but it involved reading and I don’t do that. Jose Bautista might’ve won this award if he wasn’t cheating. They’ll be other awards for him. So my AL Fantasy MVP is Miguel Cabrera. When Miggy was asked how it felt to win the AL MVP Razzballie, he said, “I’d prefer a pint of Shock Top.” Thanks for coming to pick up your award, Miggy! I hope you’re not driving.
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – I’d love to sit here — and I am sitting — and give the award to Votto, but Votto did him and CarGo did Votto plus ten steals. CarGo, you are the belle of the Razzballies!
Fantasy AL Cy Young – Prepare for the week debate in November when F-Her (almost?) loses the award because of the M’s offense. Here, he can win the award. Hopefully he works on his hitting in the winter leagues and bats cleanup next year.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Roy Halladay gets the mustache trophy. Wainwright gets to want the mustache trophy.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Ian Kinsler made a solid case for terrible, but Grady Sizemore just flat out raked if you were to read that in the mirror. Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give Matt Kemp this award, I can’t give a 28/19 guy the honors. Maybe if he starts dating Lady Gaga next year, he’ll have better luck, and meat. This year, the award for totally sucking up the suckhole in the NL was Jimmy Rollins. He was injured half the year, and when he played, you wish he was injured.
Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Jose Bautista. Well played, Bautista. Now take the rubber balls out of your bat.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Luke Scott is hitting! Hmm… Now I don’t think he is. Wait! He is! Well, maybe he isn’t. No, he definitely is! Oh, he’s injured. He’s healthy but is he hitting? Yes! No! Let me ask Grey!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Mike Napoli gets 30 homers, I just want to drop him.”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Really, Omar Infante? He just seems counterproductive even when he is productive.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Brett Myers. Now please don’t smash your award through your girlfriend’s car windshield.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Jose Bautista. If you knew he’d hit 30 homers, let alone 50, you’re a damn liar. Or a witch. Maybe you can run for Senate.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Ubaldo is so going to throw a 1.00 ERA all year! Hmm… Maybe a 2? How about a 3? In June, his ERA was 4.41; in July, 6.04; in August, 2.83 and, in September, 4.34.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Kelly Johnson wasn’t quite the hitter after April, but at 2nd base and with 10+ homers in the 2nd half, you could’ve done worse.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – 50 plus homers from Jose Effin’ Bautista?! And all I got back was the underperforming Mark Teixeira and a bag of Funyons?! At least the Funyons didn’t disappoint.
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Did Pablo Sandoval really just hit .250 on my team with 7 extra base hits in three months?
Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Justin Morneau was injury-prone coming into the season. This year, he one-upped even himself when he missed the final three months after being hit in the head by John McDonald’s knee. Took the phrase ‘taking a knee’ to a whole new level.
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Glossary Term – Sparkakis!
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Zack Greinke. Way to followup the Cy Young campaign.
Have you ever read Razzball and thought to yourself, “I enjoy their musings and perspectives on fantasy baseball and only wish they would stop hoarding their opinions on other subjects. I mean, really, they must think about something besides fantasy baseball. Am I unknowingly contributing to their unhealthy fantasy baseball addiction by frequenting this blog? Should I schedule an intervention? Did I mention hoarding and intervention in the same paragraph? Man, I have to stop watching so much A&E. Is it ironic or self-fulfilling that shows about compulsive behavior lead to compulsive viewing habits?”
We hope you think like that because we’ve launched a new blog that will solve the above conundrum (except the A&E part)!
The blog is KitchenSnark.com. It’s up and running now at a eerily similar URL.
To start, we’re covering ‘Entertainment’, ‘Sports News (no fantasy stuff), and ‘Videos’. Over time, we’ll grow the subjects to match our interests and personal growth. I’m already envisioning a Pudding section in 50 years where I’ll debate the virtues of rice vs. tapioca and make puns like “The aide stole my teeth! I know it because I’ve been puddin’ it in the same spot every day.”
If you’re the social media type, see below for Facebook and Twitter info on all our blogs:
There’s a certain grind to the baseball schedule that someone with a slight case of OCD like myself can fully get behind. Day in and day out over six months. You make a small move to offset another move and it may not show up in the standings for three months. By August, you wanna strangle some of your players (Jason Bay, you bastard!) and you’ve fallen in love with some other players (Carlos Gonzalez is a God!). From what I understand this grind is akin to fantasy basketball. Day in and day out over the course of an 82 game schedule, players come and go. (Some go back to their Mother Planet; Sam Cassell for one.) Unfortunately, I stopped watching basketball around the same time Patrick Ewing was sweating so much that they called lane violations on the droplets. So it makes sense that I would never write about basketball. I have nothing to say about it. But Razzball does. With that lengthy blah blah blah, I’m proud to announce Razzball’s own Fantasy Basketball Blog.
Razzball’s take on fantasy basketball should be as light and airy as its fantasy baseball or fantasy football take. I’ve assembled writers who I respect and, most importantly, have a sense of humor. Some of the commenters that you’ve come to know here at Razzball will be writing their fantasy basketball takes on all the going-ons. They’re going to have daily roundups, sleepers, features and rankings. I really have no idea anything about fantasy basketball, so if you want to talk basketball, go to our Fantasy Basketball Blog. If you want to talk fantasy baseball or any other nonsense I know, you’re in the right place.
My Razzball commenter tag is BSA and my real name is Brian Armstrong. I have a vision of making a significant difference in the lives of children, adults who have health concerns, and the elderly who struggle with Alzheimer’s. I was a special education teacher until this past July and quit to make a bigger difference than possible in the classroom. We have started a company called Synergy Center Corporation, as well as a nonprofit called Sensations Charitable Foundation. The synergy of these two companies and individuals recruited to our cause will initially create programs aimed at increasing positive social interactions and opportunities for those children who struggle in getting along with others. We also will create a center (one for now) that will include an inclusive indoor playground (everyone will be able to use it regardless of ability or disabling condition-working with GA Tech to create a universally designed system), multisensory spaces for children and adults who need a relaxing environment rather than the craziness of an indoor playground, therapy rooms, and meeting spaces for parent workshops and sibling support groups. The technology we will include has been found effective in the recovery of stroke victims, even those who can only blink, and has a calming effect on those with Alzheimer’s, Intellectual Disabilities, Autism, and Attention Deficit among other conditions.
Right now we are mobile, meaning we conduct social groups at a local aquarium (Mystic Aquarium), art studio, and with a local parks and recreation organization. Our website is www.synergycentercorp.com and I encourage you to go see what we are doing now, as well as in the future.
Toward that end, scratch that.
Toward that goal, we were accepted as one of the projects in the running for $250,000 at the Refresh Everything Project with Pepsi during the month of May. The money will be going toward infrastructure costs. The equipment and space I have selected are phenomenal and allow for us to plan a future toward walking trails, vocational training center, therapy, and play all in one location.
Today, I am asking that every day this month you include a new daily task in your Razzball habit.
1. Read Razzball and add some comments before Grey wakes up on the West Coast.
2. Vote for Synergy Center Corporation at http://pep.si/abEtbm, add a comment “a vote from Razzball” then vote for several other projects you like in other financial categories (5k, 25k, and 50k) and add a comment “Vote from Synergycentercorporation – good luck”
3. Enlist families, friends, and fantasy team managers to the cause.
4. Update roster
Points 2 and 3 take only a couple of minutes but go a long way in Paying It Forward and making a huge difference in the lives of many families.
Thank you for your help and, with your permission, I look forward to sharing daily updates with “Thank you, Razzball voters” and we are now ranked #___ today?
