1. Ryan Braun has herpes? – If he open mouth kissed Jose Lima.
2. How did baseball in the 1960’s change lives? – The 1960s were a decade that opened with hope and optimism with the election of John F. Kennedy.  Following his assassination and our eventual involvement in the Vietnam Conflict, the decade quickly turned tumultuous.  Baseball, scotch, smoking cigarettes and adultery were all we had left.  This is according to Mad Men.
3. A-Rod nickname? – Um, A-Rod? Also, acceptable answers are A-Fraud, A-Roid and The Uncharismatic Latino.
4. Need Funny Fantasy Baseball Team Names – Aw, this search sounds desperate.  You can try our fantasy baseball team name generator.
5. Should you call a scout if you can throw 95 MPH? – How’s your breaking stuff? (BTW, I imagine the person who did this search is one of those guys who spends like $140 bucks at the local carnival trying to win an over-sized SpongeBob.  *donning bad Jersey accent* Don’t worry, Tina, I’ll get you that motherf**ckin’ SpongeBob!)
6. A no k pitcher suffers from Scharmandofreude! – I like that.
7. Rod Stewart Bonifacio – Had one big hit, “Some Guys Have All the Luck to be Playing Professional Baseball.”
8. What’s the hardest someone’s been pitchslapped? – Robin Ventura by Nolan Ryan… Oh!  Pitchslapped.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Probably involved Micah Owings.
9. Blyleven farts – That would be a Dutch oven.
10. Mutton Twinkie? – Thanks, but I’m more of a Liverwurst Whoopie Pie man.
11. Cracker Barrel cheese logs on Steve Balboni Blvd. – Yes, it’s a magical place.  There’s cheese logs and bricks of Spam.  All spackled together with mayonnaise.
12. Why didn’t Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger hook up after 9 1/2 Weeks? – They ran out of fruit.
13. Can Josh Hamilton have Rum Raisin ice cream? – Most store brand Rum Raisin ice creams have rum flavoring, but no actual rum.  But he has to eat his dinner first.
14. Andre Ethier candid shots – Here he is out in Key West.
15. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers – Can’t argue with that.
16. Jonesing for poetry by Brett Myers – Ok, fine.  I call this, “Brett Myers Goes Wildin.”  I don’t use Pomade on my hair like Chase… Bank’s got my money and my honey’s got mace… Just, um, in case.
17. Poor Man’s Mark Grace? – James Loney… A poor man’s James Loney is Casey Kotchman.  A poor man’s Casey Kotchman is someone in the minors.
18. Nick Lowe is a white haired old bastard? – No, he’s Peter Gammons Peter Gammons Peter Gammons.
19. Bad year to be a Johnson or Wang – With Chien-Ming Wang, Reed and Randy Johnson hurting and Kelly Johnson losing playing time to Martin Prado, it’s true.  Wasn’t a great year for Wood either.
20. Why do my eyes feel heavy when I read Razzball? – That’s the tryptophan, silly.  It’s Thanksgiving!  Have a good one.

Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives!  Wow, another baseball season is in the books!  I’d like to tip my hat to Joe Girardi.  If I had a son, I’d name him Joegirardi King… I haven’t been this excited for a Yankees win since the Civil War… Don’t worry, Philadelphia – at least you still have that delicious cream cheese….  The last game reminded me of the time I had lunch with Wolf Blitzer.  I fell asleep during both…. I wish there were fjords in Kansas…. The only thing new Cardinal hitting instructor Mark McGwire has to apologize for is his killer smile…. I hope Cole Hamels’ mom teaches him a thing or two about spunk… If I threw a party, I’d invite Carlos Ruiz and ask him how he squats behind the plate.  My knees don’t work so good anymore… I was enchanted by Sandra Bullock’s performance in All About Steve.  When she does an accent, Oscar says, “Yes!”… I don’t think Chone Figgins is going to leave the Angels because it’ll take too long to teach everyone at another stadium to say his name correctly… Why can’t I find my pajamas?  I’m cold…. The best restaurant on the Upper East Side is the alleyway behind Le Cirque where the bus boys hang out and smoke… I’m bucknaked as I type this, and I’m not typing with my fingers… Where has Celine Dion been? I’m dying for a music-inspired soundtrack for James Cameron’s latest, Avatar…  Speaking of which, am I the only one that wants to pronounce it Ava Tar?… If Sean Casey is the Mayor, then Mark Grace is the Comptroller… The player I most identify with in the Major Leagues is Manny Ramirez…We both are from a New York borough…We both use erectile dysfunction pills…We both pee at inappropriate times…. Ah, there’s my pajamas, who put them in the microwave?…. The Pirates fans better get their season tickets early, you got Akinori Iwamura now!  I regretted not buying a baseball team until watching Frank McCourt’s ordeal.  Such a shame as Angela’s Ashes is one of my favorite books of all time.  Let’s just hope that Peter and Maya Angelos stay together…

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – There’s two hitters from the AL in the top ten on the ESPN Player Rater.  Crawford at 4 and Ellsbury at 6.  The next AL hitter is Derek Jeter.  Can we punt the AL hitters award this year?  Wait, I know!  Let’s give it to a pitcher!  Zack Greinke, you’re the Razzball AL Fantasy MVP, how does it feel?  “If I don’t find out who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother by next spring training, I’m going to lose my shizz.”  Thanks for coming, Zack!  You’re the belle of the Razzballies!

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – If a no-brainer is my specialty, this one’s easy.  Albert Pujols.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – If Kansas City were a major market, we’d be getting an ESPN movie of the week this winter about Zack Greinke starring Macaulay Culkin.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum, but this is pretty close with Javier Vazquez, Dan Haren, Wainwright and Carpenter.  Crazy that those last four guys could’ve been had in any league.  That would’ve made for a nice team if you had all four.  Well, Lincecum gets the nod because he’s 145 lbs.  Those things matter for the Razzballies.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Grady Sizemore really wanted this award.  He even sat out September in his bid to suck.  But Josh Hamilton started sucking in April.  That’s a tough act to follow, mostly because of the stench.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The winner is Jose Reyes.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it to the awards ceremony because he’s getting in “game shape.”

Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Mark Reynolds, because he needed his own award.  Thank you, Mini Donkey.  You made everyone else look like Mini Jackasses.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – And the Razzballie goes to Clint Barmes.  He’s starting, but not hitting, I’m dropping him.  He’s starting and hitting, I’m picking him up.  He’s hitting but not playing, I’m dropping him.  He’s hitting and playing… Do I drop him or pick him up?   Forget it, I’m dropping him.  Wait, he’s not even on my team.  Ugh!

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – Felipe Lopez.  Every time I came close to cutting the Fe-Lopezian tubes, he went 1-for-3 with a Run.  If I see one more 1-for-3 with a Run, I’m going to vomit.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Michael Cuddyer.  Cuddyer’s boring!  I’ll stick with the rotating Bowden Fluffer turnstile of Delmon Young, Milledge, Dukes and Cameron Maybin.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Bronson Arroyo.  Now don’t get any pine tar on your award!   A close runner-up was Joe Blanton.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Matt Cain.  If regressing to the norm is a 3.50 2nd half ERA, I’ll take it any day of the week and twice on Muesday.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Johnny Cueto.  Regressing doesn’t have to mean a flippin’ 8 ERA!

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Ben Zobrist.  Sure, his 2nd half wasn’t as good as his 1st half, but you weren’t actually embarrassed to own Ben Zobrist.  Tell me you saw that coming in February and I have a column for you to write called, “I’m a lying sack of shizz.”

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – Grey seems like a good guy, but there’s no way Mark Reynolds is going to keep this up.

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – I just traded a poor-April Verlander and Mark Reynolds for David Wright!  I’m so money and you snitches are so green!

Best Roofie Pitcher – Three way tie with J.A. Happ, Randy Wells and Brett Anderson.

Best Jockular Sphincteritis – Adrian Beltre with his cracked nuts.

Top Cuddle Boy – Ryan Madson.  Our closer is terrible, yet we can’t reliably turn to our set-up man.

Top SAGNOF – Michael Bourn/Andrew Bailey (tie)

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Carlos Beltran.  How long can someone nurse an injury that’s “not that serious?”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Liriano

Step one: Go to The Master himself.  “Grey, what factors do you consider in deciding who to start/sit?”
Answer: “Last few starts, match up history, ballpark… Opposing pitcher doesn’t matter usually.”

Sounds good. Now I know he has a pretty good memory for all of that stuff, but he can’t possibly be as good as having every bit of detail categorized and calculated. I embarked on, what would turn out to be, roughly 40 hours of data gathering and model building.

The goal was to predict where a pitcher’s performance from his next start would place him in a 12X12 RCL league. This would give us a relative number to use in deciding who to start/sit.

Key factors were:
1. The last two starts (home or away, depending on the upcoming  start).
2. Overall Home, or Overall Away, for the 2009 season.
3. Heads up (regardless of home or away) for 2009.
4. Historical match ups: specifically home, or away, for 08/07.
5. Ballpark: per team (not park) from 2009 data. I.e. If a pitcher’s last two starts were against light-hitting teams SF and SD, the computer would adjust the K/9, ERA, and WHIP from those games to account for the next start, say, a heavy-hitting Texas. It would project a comparatively less expected pitcher-performance.

The test set of data for model-building was from all RCL pitchers for the week of July 16-20, immediately following the All-Star break.

Finally, the model was adjusted to “weight” factors according to their value in predicting the results. In this, the computer got to “cheat.” It actually knew the outcomes and was solving to meet those. Grey went in blind.

When the model completed its work, it had projected K/9, ERA, and WHIP, 12X12 rankings for each, as well as an overall projected RCL rank for the projected performance.

All that was left was to prove that Grey’s split-second calls couldn’t come close to matching the 40 hours of work and number-crunching ability of the computer. Trust me, the computer and I are darn good at number crunching.

This was going to be the equivalent of: “With a dramatic victory in Game 6, Deep Blue won its six-game rematch with (chess) Champion Garry Kasparov.”

“Grey hits the Disgraceful List when the Fumethrower falls to Deep Fred.”

I culled twenty (repeats were not counted) start/sit questions that were put to Grey for the test week. Here are the results: (If one side came out ahead, it got the count.)

Grey: 7*
The Model: 4
Matching: 9

(*This includes 3 for newer pitchers where the model did not have enough info to project; advantage Grey)

The model is good. When/if Grey isn’t available, I will use it.

Now, some of you may be making similar calculations, but I would wager none as much as the computer crunched. Still, Grey was clearly superior. Obviously, there are other factors that Grey weighs subjectively when he makes a call. It might be possible to compile an even more sophisticated model, but there would be no guarantee, the work would be overwhelming considering the benefit, and, who needs it—we can just post the question, and count on the answer. I know he won’t nail every one, but I am also confident that there is no living human being on the face of the planet that can match him.

I would love to see a competition amongst leading pundits, all given the same set of questions, and then measured against results.

Folks, all of this energy and calculating was for just the simple, “who to start/sit.” It doesn’t even begin to tackle the larger issues that Grey deals with.

“Grey Topples Deep Fred”

So, I randomly chose a seemingly fitting day, the First Day of Summer, June 21.  As it happens this fell on a Sunday.  Razzball readers understand that Friday’s post is the hub for all questions related to lineup and roster changes for the weekend and the the next week (since generally there are no new posts on the weekend).  Therefore, the questions for the survey came from the two postings of Friday, June 19.

The attached excel spreadsheet (to download it) contains each of the questions, each of the responses, and spaces for evaluation: ‘+’ for Grey nailed it, ‘-’ for he might have missed it, and ‘E’ for an Even call.  You can enter your own ratings and the totals at the top will change to reflect your evaluation.

This isn’t scientific and is somewhat unfair to the Master.  We don’t have access to the team rosters of those posting questions.  The amount of data to evaluate is minuscule since it has been less than two full weeks since the posting.  In truth much of what the Wizard projects is based upon post-All-Star proclivities and a truly fair evaluation couldn’t take place until end of season.  Nevertheless, many readers evaluate the worth of Grey’s input based on immediate results.  Some of it is fair, since many transactions happen on a daily basis: players get dropped, injuries occur, etc.  So, I made my ratings on the data since June 21.  I only added a couple of lines of my own description so that you are free to make your own evaluation and ratings.

Overall, my totals came out to 41 +’s, 29 -’s, and 24 E’s.  When one thinks about it, giving thorough review and honest evaluation of 94 questions that encompass the morass of baseball statistics is staggering to me.  Indeed, a wizard sleeps with one eye open.

Thank you, Your Greyness!

While we are bloggers and naturally want to defend one of our own, we can’t bring ourselves to do it in this case. It doesn’t take an investigative journalist or top-notch blogger to figure out what’s going on with Señor Ibanez. We realized it in the first week of the season and didn’t think it was worth spelling out but now that it’s all the talk….well, we might as well spill the beans.

Raul Ibanez is not doing well because he’s on performance-enhancing drugs. C’mon, get real. It’s quite the contrary – he’s doing well because he’s finally off performance-enfeebling drugs.

Look at his career – do you really think any major leaguer would play 13 seasons for only the Mariners and the Royals if they weren’t on drugs? Think about what Seattle and Kansas City have in common. Who is Seattle’s most well-known musician? Yes, Kurt Cobain (sorry Jimi Hendrix). And who is Kansas City’s most well-known musician? That’s a harder one but you guessed correctly if you said jazz musician extraordinaire Charlie “Bird” Parker (sorry dude who played with the Sunshine Band). What do those two musicians have in common? Yup, they were dragon chasin’, white horse ridin’ heroin addicts.

Did you really think Ibanez was just a .290/20 HR type? He can hit that while his body is ravaged by smack. In fact, he has. Every single year until this year that is. Now the dope-free dope is finally having the monster season that he could’ve been having for the past 15 years if only he stayed clean. Hell, even his much-maligned fielding has gotten better.

So sorry Midwest Sports Fans but we’re siding with the hot-hitting OF in Philly who is angry on life. Keep ragin’, Raul!

To Those That Passed That (adjective) Trade,

Hi, (Name) here.  Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade of (Player(s) Traded Away) for (Player(s) Received).  I contemplated vetoing the trade.  Instead, I decided to voice my disagreement on this messageboard.  Though I do question the two trade partners’ ability to read something that isn’t scribbled in crayons.  On the bright side, the two (plural derogatory name) who were involved in the trade can use this post to practice their reading comprehension.  It’s not too late for that GED!

Since no one has the courtesy to respond to my trade offers, I figured you were too busy (verb) in your Mommy’s basement while eating hard candies like an addict freebases (drug).  Alas, I overestimated both of you.  You managed to put your collective (low number) IQs together and lower the integrity of the league like you have to lower your standards to date (plural farm animal).

So, doucetards, I have an idea.  How about the next time you two (plural derogatory name) get together you figure out the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives?  I hear Subway might have an opening to spin a sign on the street corner.  Then again, for that to work you probably have to know the meaning of clockwise.

The Guy Who Is Going To Beat Both Of You Like Your Step-Daddy Should Have,

(Name)

P.S. Anyone need a closer?

I live a pretty good life here in Iowa.  I’m blessed with a great wife, three young boys, a good job, a small but decent brick ranch-style with a backyard at the end of a cul-de-sac.  I have an organic garden with killer heirloom squash and tomatoes.  My neighbors are quiet and friendly and strangely diverse (for Iowa, “diverse” means there are two Italians, a black guy and one Mexican family on my street).  Some days I forget to lock the door when I leave the house, but I never worry about someone breaking in.  It’s a great life!

So why would I need fantasy baseball or anything else to stimulate my granola Iowa day?  It’s the Field of Dreams here, right?  Is this heaven? blah, blah, blah…

Because deep down inside, like you, I owned the Bobby Bonilla 1986 Fleer Update rookie card that I swore would pay my way through college.  Like you, I once struck out 9 batters in a game (or was it 7?) as a 12 year old in Little League and was a double away from the cycle (or was it a triple?).  Baseball is a part of our lives that we never want to let go of, so much so that I absolutely need something to hang onto as my hair falls out and I quit getting any action at home since the wife burned the Cubs-themed bra.  Like you, I can’t forgive myself for never making it as a professional baseball player.  So what’s a dork like you and me to do?

You do the next best thing, which is to play lots of fantasy baseball, that’s what.  You love it and live it; and you come to Razzball, because let’s face it: all the other sites are fine (as much as Razzball is), but does any other Fantasy Baseball site refer to Brad Penny as Alyssa Milano’s boy toy?  Does any other fantasy baseball site think that the name ASDRUBAL is funny?  No!  Because not only is Razzball great with fantasy advice that you can (pretty much) count on, they also make you spit out your coffee in the morning and change your daily conversations with your boss to include terms such as “SAGNOF” and “Teabagger.”

See, the reason you read Razzball is because you want to believe that you’re not really a dork and that you actually have a sense of humor about things that you’re passionate about.  Sure, it’s just a hobby, but why not have any fun with your fantasy baseball obsession?  That’s why you read Razzball, and that’s why you should donate to Grey and Rudy for the amount of time they spend answering your questions, which, ultimately amounts to hundreds of hours more than any other fantasy baseball site out there.

The other night, I was invited to this kegger off the campus of the The College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, when this friend of mine, Associate Professor Matt Berry came up to me and asked me for $4 to purchase the cup necessary in order for me to drink his beer.  So I paid the $4, did my keg stands, showed off my Ron Santo nipple rings, my “1.296 OPS” and “1060 W. Addison” tattoos, politely told all the co-eds that I was a married man and had a great time serving as the guest DJ by playing mostly Girl Talk .

But something I saw there really pissed me off… Sneaking through the back door were these four Freshmen, holding their own cups, who live at the quad and bypassed Berry who was occupied in his room watching re-runs of bootlegged Megan Fox DVD’s.  So here they were, stealing all sorts of fantasy baseball advice and BEER from Matt Berry’s party, and, well, drinking for free.

The moral of the story is: don’t be that guy that brings his own cup and drinks for free.  There is no charge for the awesome advice and commentary that you read on Razzball, so PLEASE consider making a contribution to Razzball, even if it’s just a few bucks.  It’s very easy to do.  Just click on the link below and tell Grey and Rudy thanks for the advice by giving a few bucks every once in a while.

AL Pennant Winner – Tampa Bay Rays.  I really didn’t want to pick the defending AL champions because that’s lame, and I made a resolution to be unlame this year.  Alas, I went through each AL team’s pitching staff and the Rays were the choice.

NL Pennant Winner – Los Angeles Dodgers.  Their lineup wins the division with ease then in a playoff series their pitching can beat the Cubs and Mets.

World Series Champion – Los Angeles Dodgers.  I’ve never been to a World Series game and would like to go.  Thank you!

AL ROY – Travis Snider.  I wanted to call this guy Travis Lind.  Weird!

NL ROY – Dexter Fowler.  I think he’s a top 30 player by 2011.  Wave of the future… Wave of the future…

AL Cy Young – Josh Beckett.  The Sawx will give him a chance for 20 wins and he can do the rest.

NL Cy Young – Chad Billingsley.  You didn’t think I was going to pick Joel Pineiro, did you?

NL MVP – Alfonso Soriano.  I expect a huge year from Soriano but he needs to stay healthy for 130 games.  Hey, maybe all his bad injury karma will be absorbed by Milton Bradley.  God knows Bradley could stand for some karmic retribution.

AL MVP – Miguel Cabrera. Since the BBWAA picks MVPs partially on how well a team does, this is a longshot at best, unless Cabrera becomes the Tigers number three starter.  And number four starter.  And closer.

Now put your picks in the comments and we’ll look back on this in November and mock each other.