Welcome back for another star-studded event!  Assuming you hack into your favorite online dictionary and replace the definition of ‘star’ with “guy who lives in his mom’s basement and screams when someone finishes his Doritos,” and next to the definition of ‘stud’ you put a picture of yourself.  The Razzballies are the only award show where it’s totally fine to show up in sweatpants, and for your fingers to be orange from Cheetos.  We don’t judge.  We will occasionally mock.  Mock-judge, tomato-tomahto.  Get over it!  I hope you enjoyed the clip show where I inserted myself into various baseball clips from this year.  How about the clip where I was Joe Maddon intentionally walking Bryce Harper?  Hee-lar-e-US!  So, before I’m talking to no one but a room full of seat-fillers, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of fantasy baseball:

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Every off-season my phone prepares itself to get a lot less use; not checking it every five minutes to see stat updates  makes my wife happy.  For me, there’s a bittersweet feeling.  It almost seems like the baseball season isn’t six months long (wait, yes it does). In a week it’s bye-bye to Stat-tracker, Yahoo! and ESPN apps, MLB Network and MLB AtBat; now it’s time for just watching baseball.

I’m talking a whole nine-inning game, not just highlights and live look-ins or catching three innings of a game when I can; or hitting up a few games, getting a hot dog, complaining about parking and overpriced beer, never catching a foul ball, leaving early because it’s a blow out; I’m talking playoff baseball.  My Cubs are in it and I’m ready to see them get to that World Series.  Yes, this is the year.  No more curses, stupid goats or nerdy scapegoats.  This is the year!  And now that I’ve sufficiently jinxed the Cubbies, back to fantasy baseball.

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I call it mayonnaise malaise because those words go together as cool as words can, and that it reminds me of how my wife always make fun of me for how I say mayonnaise (I say it May-naze, which is the Chicagoan in me I guess though Tony Soprano says it similarly so maybe it’s my Italian side) even though I didn’t even like mayo until my late twenties and my wife is a fan of Miracle Whip.  Now though my wife makes her own mayo (we did move to Cali this year) and I’m stuck with the mayo malaise blues.

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I don’t know about you, but I love playing board games. I can’t say I have much opportunity to do so, but now that I have a three year old it’s only a matter of time before I’m back in the swing of things putting hotels on Boardwalk and collecting $200 for passing Go. I have actually been buying a board games since she was born so that when the time comes, I’m ready to rock. I’ve got most of the classics, but have also picked up a few newbies that just look cool. Today, however, we are playing the fantasy baseball guessing game where I give you some clues about two players and you tell me who the two players are in the comments section. For those of you that missed out on the first four rounds you can find out how this game works by clicking here.

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Who doesn’t enjoy a fun game. Personally I’m a big fan of both board games and card games. And if you couldn’t tell by my profile image, I am an avid Legend of Zelda fan. I have the tattoo on my shoulder to prove it. Just in case I ever need to prove it. For those that like card games I have a solid recommendation. The game is called Five Crowns and it’s pretty awesome. It’s best played with five players and a game will take about an hour, but it’s an hour well spent. And remember, the game isn’t over till the Kings go wild! In the meantime, however, I turn to your attention back to the game at hand. For those that need the rules, you can find them here.

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It was Professor Plum with a baseball in the visitors locker room. Clue was a pretty sweet game back in the day. I say “back in the day” because I haven’t played it in over twenty years. I guess it’s still the same game, but I just don’t play it anymore. And if I did, I probably wouldn’t admit it. This game is a bit different. However, the goal is somewhat similar. Guess the players I am about to describe. For those of you that missed out on the first three rounds you can find out how this game works by clicking here.

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Two weeks ago I said that 2016 was not the year to own Byron Buxton and that in non-dynasty formats he was droppable. Some of you applauded my position, while others second guessed their decision to even read my post. One reader went as far as sending me an email letting me know that I was an idiot and that he wished I was in his league because his league could use more bad players. I accepted his invitation, but have yet to hear back. On Monday Buxton was optioned to Class AAA Rochester. Game. Set. Match. Fantasy tennis anyone?

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The year was 1987. I was ten years old and my biggest hobby was collecting baseball cards. Topps. Fleer. Donruss. You name it. And once Upper Deck was released in 1989, watch out! Hello Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball cards were awesome in the 80s. So were a great many other things, but I’ll save some of those for another post. The excitement of ripping open a pack of baseball cards and the anticipation of finding out who I got in that pack is something that can still get me going today. But back to 1987 for a moment. I was walking with my dad to his car in the parking lot of Matthew’s Diner in Teaneck when I uttered my first curse word in his presence. At the time I was busy trying to complete my set of 7-11 Slurpee baseball coins. You remember those gems? They were underneath a small flap on the bottom of the cup. As you tilted them they’d give the illusion of movement. As if Slurpees weren’t good enough on their own.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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