So Dunn is very predictable, but something here is less predictable.  Elijah Dukes after a box of wine?  Yes, but more importantly where is Dunn going to play.  Jim Bowden collects five-tool outfielders like Roberto Alomar rips condoms, so he has his outfield full with Bowden Fluffers and the no-tool outfielder, Josh Willingham.  So Dunn takes his blue ox over to 1st base and gives Nick Johnson his walking papers.  Unfortunately, Nick Johnson probably can’t walk because he’s injured.  This was Nick Johnson before the Adam Dunn signing — this is him after.

Ty Wiggington – Last year at 2nd base he was nice to have.  At 3rd base this year, he’s okay.  I’d slot him in between 21 and 25 on the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball.  I’d prefer to take a flier on someone like Gordon or Sandoval though if you’re that deep into the position.  This acquisition hurts Luke Scott’s value, but Luke Scott hurts Luke Scott’s value anyway.

Aaron Heilman -  So what do Dempster, Looper, Wainwright, Dennis Eckersley if you experience time in reverse, Lowe and Duchscherer have in common?  Guys that started as relievers and then found success as starters.  Check one for Heilman.  Quite a few of those guys weren’t that good as relievers.  A big, oversized second check for Heilman.  So for 2009 fantasy we expect the same from Heilman as we got last year from Dempster or Duchscherer?  Honestly, I wouldn’t expect the same from those guys in 2009, let alone from Heilman.  Though this whole moving a reliever to starter business does seem like an easy way to find a diamond in a ruff, at least in the short term.  I think in the long term it screws pitchers up by overextending them, making them risky pitchers.  Also, I’ve pretty much convinced myself that looking at Heilman’s reliever numbers mean very little.  Maybe some day Rudy will break down how these relievers move to the rotation with such great results.  What do I think it is?  Well, thanks for asking.  I think it’s part psychological.  They want to start and if they get the opportunity then they do everything to show they’re capable.  It’s part how few innings their arm has on it going into their inaugural season starting.  It’s part magic.  The only major drawback I see to Heilman is he battled some knee problems last year.  If he has more problems with his knee in 2009, then he might end up giving up home runs and being useless.  If he’s healthy, I like Aaron Heilman as a very late round 2009 fantasy sleeper.  Yup, I said it.  Finally.  Who knew I had so much to say about Heilman?  I sure didn’t when I started this treatise.  I should’ve done my thesis at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston on Aaron Heilman.  Would’ve been a whole lot more productive than, “I Found My Thrill on Rich Hill.”

Rich Hill – Hey, wasn’t someone just talking about him?  You were, Grey. Ah, yes, thank you random italicized voice.  Fool me once and shame on you.  Fool me twice and shame on me.  Fool me three times and I should start tattooing notes on my body.  If Hill’s in the rotation leaving Spring Training, he’s worth a look in AL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t start him against 70% of the AL teams.  So he’s risky to say the least.

Bobby Abreu – Nothing changes for Abreu with his move to the Angels, except maybe he’s now a lock for 20 steals whereas before he was a lock for 15 plus or minus 3.  I say he’s now a lock for 20 steals because the Angels love to steal.  They also don’t love to walk so it’ll be interesting to watch Abreu’s reaction on first base when Vladdy’s batting.  As Rex Hudler says, “From his head to his toes, that’s how Vladdy goes.”  Abreu should add about three minutes onto every Angels game.  Yay, more Rally Monkey.

Randy Wolf – Good K/9 rate makes him a solid late round flier in NL-Only leagues and a $1 auction buy.  Don’t expect the world, but 150 Ks and 4.50 ERA is in his wheelhouse.

Andruw Jones – In AL-Only leagues, I could see taking the flier on Andruw if he exits March with the center field job.  I would not expect a bounceback to former glory like Bret Michaels post-Rock of Love.  Andruw’s lost too much bat speed and gained too much girth.  BTW, isn’t it ironic that absolute locks for the Hall of Fame, Dale Murphy and Andruw Jones, both played center for the Braves at the height of their career?  It’s like rain on your wedding day, which is not really ironic.

Felix Pie – Pee-ay should have the inside track on the left field job going into and coming out of spring training.  Suddenly, Pie is fantasy relevant.  What’s to like about him?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  Torii Hunter could take Pie in an arm wrestling match.  Pie’s on the Bowden Fluffer JV Team with guys like Coco Crisp and Adam Jones.   Pie’s upside is Randy Winn.

Joey Gathright – Except in very deep mixed leagues or NL-Only leagues, Gathright’s not really someone to draft, but you should keep an eye on him.  First sign of a Milton Bradley having a pulled hammy/bout with his inner demons, I’d grab Gathright for some cheap steals.  SAGNOF, boyz (and one possible girl reader).

Derek Lowe -  Lowe leaves the ideal NL West (Dodger, Petco, and AT&T Park plus those inept offenses) for the more offense-minded NL East.  He posted four straight sub-4.000 ERAs for the Dodgers and seven straight years near 200 innings.  His sinker still works — 60% GB% is about as good as anyone other than Brandon Webb.  The move to the NL East will likely move his numbers up a bit but this is much better for his value than a return to the AL. Inch up the CHONE projections to about 4.00 ERA and 1.30 WHIP.  He’s exactly the kind of pitcher you want as your number four starter.  You know what you’re going to get and he balances the upside picks (Cueto) and the injury picks (Burnett) nicely.  Just don’t do like the Braves and overpay for him.

Kenshin Kawakami - My first reaction to this signing was he sounded more like Hideki Irabu than Dice-K.  So if you were to Blink like Gladwell, you’d stay away and not have to read on.  East Windup Chronicle, which tells me everything I ever need to know about Japanese players, breaks Kawakami down.  My translation of their translation is for you to expect Kuroda, but in a less favorable division and park.  The sheer unknown of Kawakami is intriguing enough for me to take a flier on him in NL-Only leagues and deep mixed ones.  Another more shallow and you’ll crack open your skull.

Trevor Hoffman -  Somewhere in dairy country a little boy is asking his grandpa why he’s so excited.  “Cause we’re going to be able to hear a whole lotta Hell’s Bells.”  Carrying on the tradition he may have learned firsthand at The Spanish Inquisition, Hoffman did well converting opportunities in 2008.  He went 30 for 34 in save chances and put up 3.77/1.04 ratios.  Miraculously, he also posted more than a K/IP and only nine walks all season.  Frankly, it was a better season than you deserved when you were all ready to drop his remembering-the-eighteen-eighties ass in April.  The one big question mark besides his age is the home runs allowed.  He gave up eight home runs in 45.1 IP with seven of those coming in Petco.  Betcha he’s glad to be out of there!  In the end, SAGNOF.  If Hoffman’s getting the saves, then Hoffman is the one to own.  I’d rank him at the bottom of the Donkey-corn tier of closers.

John Smoltz – Smoltz is on the DL until early June recovering from shoulder surgery.  Sure, he’s The Ultimate Warrior taking on evil Hulk, but let’s be real for a moment.  Doode’s about to be 42 years-old.  The Sox gave him a five million dollar deal.  This is the same as you leaving a 12% tip at your local Ham ‘N Eggery.  Not to mention, the Red Sox have about a seven man starting staff as of right now.  (BTW, this really shows the inequality between clubs.  The Sox have a number seven man (Buchholz) that could be a number three man on another club.  Meanwhile, the Nats big offseason acquistion was Daniel Cabrera.)  If you have room on your DL for Smoltz, take a flier in the end rounds, but don’t expect too much.  The Sox are stacked to the point where they could hold Smoltz back until the All-Star Break and then baby him just for the playoffs.  I’d put his 2009 projections at 5-2/3.00/1.16 in 12 starts.

Pat Burrell – The Rays signed Pat Burrell, which should rid the Tampa landscape of the Gomes/Floyd blahtoon at DH.  That’s right, Burrell’s fielding has him on the fast track for DH duties.  So sad.  I would’ve liked to see Upton and Crawford play the outfield and Burrell play a ten foot swatch of outfield grass.  “Ooh, Burrell just missed snagging that one.  It was almost twelve feet away from where he was positioned.”  I imagine Crawford in LF would’ve had a better shot at some balls hit to right.  Oh, well.  As for Burrell for 2009 fantasy baseball, he’ll still have OF eligibility and then he’ll have multiple position eligibility when he gets that coveted Utility eligibility.  Sweet!  He hits 29 to 33 HRs every year and I don’t think 2009 will be any different.  I could actually see him thriving as a DH — Oy, who wants to field when you’re lousy at it? — I’d draft Burrell as a third to fourth outfielder for 2009.

Milton Bradley – The Cubs signed Milton Bradley — filling the hole in their lineup left by Fukudome’s bat and the hole in their ‘likely DL candidate’ position vacated by Kerry Wood.  Milton Bradley is known to somewhat feud with his managers, but Pinella is a much mellower presence than the irascible Bud “Kneebreaker” Black.  They don’t call him Sweet Lou for nothing.  I think it’s fair to say in 2008, Milton Bradley had a career year, i.e., he put it all together.  Slugging, health, peaceful resolutions to disagreements (though he did try to bash in a Royals announcer’s face — Milton Bradley ain’t your dummy, dummy!) and he played in a ballpark conducive to a career year.  In this career year, he still only hit 22 HRs and just under 80 Runs and 80 RBIs.  For the amount of Tagamet you need to drink to have him on your team, is that really worth it?  Take two and pass.

Brian Fuentes – Becomes the closer in The Town that Bobby Grich Built as of right now.  Lest we forget, Fuentes is the same schmohawk that couldn’t hold off Manny Corpas, someone who then couldn’t keep the closing job.   Fuentes should be fine in SoCal, but Scioscia has no allegiance to Fuentes and he’s the type of manager that could let a $10 million/year guy pitch setup.   I think they call it ornery.

Jose Arrendondo – Arrendondo was the fourth best rookie pitcher in 2008. But with no closing job he has no value, right? (Not rhetorical, but it is a trick question.)  For anyone who has read this site for a while knows I’m a big time Mr. B.  So Arrendondo has value for me, even if I thought he’d be pitching the eighth inning only. If anything, fantasy owners should be rejoicing (Rejoice, ya’ll! We’re almost out of the naughts!). Now no one will want Arrendondo because they’ll think he has no value.  You know better, don’t you? (That’s a rhetorical.  Try to follow along.)

Next up, Mark DeRosa heads over to the Indians with his up and down staircase capitalization. (What is the deal with this up and down last name capitalization? Who started this? Can anyone do this? Can I just start writing Grey AlBright?) When I first heard about DeRosa going to the Indians, I yawned. Then I scratched my head. Then I wrote this:

Mark DeRosa – I’m glad he’s on the Indians now. I think people will see him out of Wrigley and a Cubs uniform and no longer overrate a player that was underrated. Let me explain, because I partially confused myself with that last sentence.  Going into 2008, Mark of the Roses was underrated and very useful.   Then in the winter, someone somewhere noticed that DeRosa had a good 2008 and he suddenly started getting hyped up.   Now that he’s moved to the Indians, people won’t know exactly what to think of him anymore and he’ll no longer be overrated.  He’ll simply be written off as a guy who had one good season.  Excellent, because it was a career year at 34.  Let’s be real, he’s not the second coming.  He’s barely a top ten 2nd baseman.  Think 15/65/.280. Speaking of 2nd base…

Asdrubal Cabrera/Jhonny Peralta – The Indians should have an Asdrubal Night where proctologists get in for half off. With the addition of DeRosa, Asdrubal will move to shortstop and Peralta will move to 3rd. This seemed to be happening anyway, as Peralta has been getting used to the hot corner in the winter leagues even before the trade, as I mentioned in the post on multiple position eligibility.

Aaron Miles/Mike Fontenot – Fontenot…. Theriot…. They sound like they’re going to be a defensive pairing on the Blackhawks.  Or a cheese pairing with Merlot.  Miles and Fontenot will split time at 2nd base.  Miles will cover the weak side of the blahtoon.  Mike Fontenot seems like a decent endgame bargain.  Since we’re talking about 2nd base or MI, I’d even call him a 2009 fantasy sleeper.

Tuh-SHARE-uh is a lock for 100/35/110/.300.  Whereever he is playing.  In the middle of the Yankees lineup, he’s good for the ceiling on his 2009 projections.  Think 110 RUNS and 125 RBIs.  It will be interesting to see what the New York media thinks of PABST (Post-All-star Break Stats Teixeira) when he gets off to his usual slow start.  But, without fail, Teix always comes around to producing good numbers even if they have to wait until July.  He was already going in the beginning of the 2nd round in 2009 fantasy baseball drafts and this should just solidify his place there.  I could see Mark Teixeira going anywhere from 7th to 15th overall.

Yunel Escobar/Kelly Johnson – Um, wasn’t Yunel going to play short?  Okay, so either a trade is going to happen — which Peavy, his family and his goumadas will welcome already — or Kelly Johnson will go to the outfield, Yunel to short and Furcal to 2nd base or Furcal stays at short and Yunel and Kelly Johnson split time at 2nd.  If Yunel doesn’t get out of Turner South and the last option comes to fruition, this could really hurt Yunel Escobar and Kelly Johnson’s 2009 fantasy value. Stay tuned!*

*This post was brought to you by TBS and Frank TV.

UPDATE: Turns out that airline ticket was nonrefundable and this post was brought to by KTLA.  I still think Furcal is nothing more than the tenth shortstop off the board.  What I said about him above doesn’t change. That’s what I see for Rafael Furcal in 2009.   Thankfully, this doesn’t effect Yunel and Johnson like I feared.

Burnett’s fairly unpredictable and now that he has a contract it’s almost guaranteed that he’s not going to be as productive in 2009 as he was 2008.  He’ll probably go in 2009 fantasy drafts sometime in the second fantasy pitching tier (think Dice-K, Haren, Shields), though he’s more likely to give you value of the third or fourth tier with all his injuries, i.e. Burnett’s overrated. But, and this is J. Lo-sized but, if he can make it through 2009 healthy, Burnett could give you 18 to 20 wins, a mid-3 ERA and 200+ Ks. In 2009 fantasy baseball drafts, this is the kind of guy I would grab if my pitching were already stacked. Let me explain, you’re in a keeper league and you already have Johan and Halladay. Here, you grab Burnett because if he flames out in 2009 — no big whoop, you’re already set with a solid one and two starter.  In all other cases where AJ’s drafted like he probably will be in 2009, I’d let someone else take a chance on The AJ Burnett Variety of Injuries Show.

Felipe Lopez – Not even a blip on the radar when the Diamondbacks signed Felipe Lopez to a deal, but this could be a huge addition to some 2009 NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues. Felipe Lopez went 35/4/24/.360/4 in only 189 at-bats after the All-Star break last year. Sure, multiplying stats by three is about as indicative as a cute girl with a twitch winking at you, but Lopez is capable of those stats. He’s only going to be 29 for the 2009 season and could go 20/20/.260 in a full season. Can any of youse say 2009 fantasy sleeper? I knew you could.

Matt Joyce – Matt Joyce went to the Rays for Edwin Jackson. At worst, Matt Joyce figures to be the strong side of the right field platoon for the Rays. In AL-Only leagues, he could be a great endgame bargain being able to hit 15-20 home runs and chuck in some steals, though he will be a liability on average. In most mixed leagues, I’d let him pass, unless he’s showing some serious signs in spring training.

Edwin Jackson – Edwin Jackson went to the Tigers so he could try to finally fulfill that top prospect label he picked up seventeen eons ago in Los Angeles. I haven’t given up on Jackson yet, but it would be nice if he started striking out some hitters again while keeping his walks down. In AL-Only leagues, Edwin’s a good late round flier who you shouldn’t mind dropping fairly quickly. The biggest ancillary (<–Word of the Day and I’m not sure I’m using it correctly, but whatever helps you people sorta learn) effect of this trade is David Price has a rotation spot. Lates, Edwin.

Kerry Wood – In my offseason look at 2009 fantasy closers, I labelled Kerry Wood a Donkey-corn. That hasn’t changed with him signing a deal with the Indians. There I placed him 20th on the 2009 closer list. Now, I’d move him up to about 15th. He was lower more or less because of his uncertainty about where he would sign.  Now that he landed somewhere that needs a closer like an old man needs soup.  Wood, we’re good.

J.J. Putz – We’re not as good. Um, dooode just lost all his value in one full swoop. Oh well, I doubt any of youse have drafted yet, so it’s better to know now then lose him midseason.  I’d own Putz in NL-Only leagues that utilize middle relievers and, really, all NL-Only leagues should utilize middle relievers. As Houdini once may have said, “This Putz makes a good handcuff.”

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu! Holy schnikeys, he reemerges with fantasy value!  Anyone who has read this site for an extended time knows I have it a bit for The Big FraGu. He lands in Seattle after this three-way trade. This could be exactly what he needs to make him fantasy relevant in 12 team mixed leagues and deeper. Now he’s absolutely draftable in AL-Only leagues. In fact, I’d go as far as to call him a 2009 fantasy sleeper. He could go 20/15 and be a tremendous asset in deep leagues. Can you tell I’m really psyched about The Big FraGu? Yeah, I don’t hide my enthusiasm very well.

Brandon Morrow/Aaron Heilman – This trade just gets more and more spectacular from a 2009 fantasy veiwpoint. Towards the end of last season, Morrow was stretched out so he could be a starter. So, of course in 2009, he becomes a closer.  There’s some speculation that Heilman could be the closer and Morrow the starter, but I think that’s foolish for the Mariners to do. Then again, the Mariners have been foolish before. I think the smart move is to make Heilman happy and make him a starter like he so desperately wants.  While Morrow will realize he can get big bucks by being a closer even if it’s not as challenging (and, yes, I am saying it’s easier to be a closer than a starter). Morrow has succeeded before in the closing role while Heilman has failed in that role. This is really a no-brainer. Anyone who disagrees, have ‘em come talk to me.  I’d call Morrow a Donkey-corn and place him about 17th on the list of 2009 fantasy closers.

“I wanna play on the West Coast.”

“We can have In N Out Burger shipped to the East Coast.”

“Same day?”

“Don’t get greedy.”

CC opens up the book he’s been reading, How to Serve the Rally Monkey.

“Fine, next day.”

“CC’s a Yank!”

Anyway, let’s take a look at what the CC Sabathia signing means for fantasy baseball:

CC Sabathia – You know what movie is playing when CC enters a candy store? Mars Attacks! All right, enough fat jokes. Sabathia won a Cy Young in the AL. He’s suddenly going to lose it? Family ties were driving his desire to be in California, but CC had to choose — for love or money? He chose the $160 million and now he’s not going to be Doc Hollywood. The brights lights, big city won’t bother him. He won’t be blinded by the light of day. Sure, it’s the media jungle, the ultimate spin city, if you will. But he knows the secret of his succe$s and playing for the Yankees won’t be the hard way to find out he’s nothing but a Stuart Little. Don’t be the frighteners about drafting him in 2009. Life with Melky will be just fine. (The preceding was a Michael J. Fox Hidden Movie Find ‘Em brought to be the makers of Highlights Magazine™ and Molsen Ice.  How many movies can you find?)

Francisco Rodriguez – When I did my look at offseason 2009 closers, I placed Nathan, Papelbon, Lidge and Mo-Ri in front of K-Rod. Nothing change. I said K-Rod was going to be the closer for the Mets back in August. Everyone said he was going to be the Mets closer back in August. (I think I was one day before everyone else, but who’s counting — besides me.) Francisco Rodriguez is still a $12 Salad and, if anything, he’s even more overrated now by people who think a closer in New York is more valuable simply because of geography.

Scot Shields – No one seems to think he’s going to be the 2009 closer of the Angels, but if Scioscia goes with his longtime setup man first it wouldn’t surprise me that much.

Jose Arrendondo – In that same Closer Look post, Arredondo was ranked 17th, since he’s obviously a Donkey-corn. If he goes into the season as the clear cut closer of the Angels then put another band-aid on your cheek Nelly cause Arrendondo’s about to grimey in overratedness.

Matt Wieters – With Ramon Hernandez gone from Baltimore, the catching job is Wieters’s to lose. In my ongoing rookie outlook series, I went over what I thought a 2009 Matt Wieters would look like. Here’s the crux, “In 2008, Geovany Soto went 66/23/86/.285. While those are great numbers for a rookie and incredible numbers for a rookie catcher, they are still only 66/23/86/.285. Those numbers only placed him 91st on our player rater while ranking 5th on the top 20 catchers for 2008 list.” And that’s me quoting and linking to my crux! My point there was that in the end, Wieters is still a catcher. What’s the most we can expect? 20 home runs? A .300 average? Yeah, that’s the ceiling on Wieters. And those are really good numbers for a rookie catcher. But they’re still 20 home runs and a .300 average or as I like to call them, Ty Wigginton’s 2008 numbers. My recommendation is to let someone else take the risk, unless Wieters comes cheap on draft day.  Think end of the draft for 10-team mixed leagues. He should be pursued more aggressively in keeper leagues.  On my top 20 catchers for 2009 post (which will be published in January with the other top 20 position lists), I’m debating whether to slot him in at 12 or 14.

Ramon Hernandez – Camden to Great American is a push. Seeing some new pitching in the NL might affect him slightly… Oh, who are we kidding? You read this for Wieters and stopped by this point. Ramon Hernandez should be drafted in NL-Only leagues and some deeper mixed ones with the hope he bounces back to pre-’07 levels. Though I have my doubts about whether those levels are still possible.  Expect 15 to 17 home runs and a .260 average.

Ryan Freel – He’s a utility player with speed. Without speed, he’s a futility player.

Brent Lillibridge – Doesn’t his name sound like a Native American name for a person of small stature? Papa, I want to go on the Superman Tower of Power Rollercoaster! I’m sorry, Brent Lillibridge. You don’t reach Daffy Duck’s hand. Okay, so you’re showing Lillibridge and the dealer pulls Marcus Giles post-steroids. That’s a push.

Tyler Flowers – Flowers needs time to bloom — oofa! He’s a decent prospect, but he could still end up the way of, “What’s that guy’s name again?”  It’s still too early for him for fantasy, except in some deep 2009 keeper leagues.

Now back in for the two other schmohawks that changed hands, Khalil Greene and Renteria or as I like to call them — Ugly and Yawnstipating. Silent H went over to the Cards and Renteria to the Giants. So how does this affect their fantasy value and guys around them for 2009? Well, let’s see:

Khalil Greene – The Cards found their new nine hole hitter. Nah, I’m only half joking. LaRussa will prolly bat Khalil sixth and watch him hit 25/75/.240. Khalil is not going to suddenly take walks and have an OBP of .400. He’s in for a small boost in value leaving Petco, but doode could hit .235 in Coors. He’ll end up on some mixed league team towards the end of a draft, you should hope it’s not yours.

Edgar Renteria – Obviously the AL Central was too small for Renteria and Orlando Cabrera. You will die like the rebels in the parrot jungle! Renteria moves to the Giants where he will further disappear from fantasy radars.  In NL-Only leagues, Renteria is a good endgame target. Just don’t expect too much. He might quietly put up another .300 season and a handful of steals.

Luis Rodriguez/Sean Kazmar – Potential 2009 Padres Shortstops for $200, Alex. The answer is Luis Rodriguez and Sean Kazmar. Guys Who You Don’t Want On Your Fantasy Team in 2009?

Jack Wilson – Supposedly the Tigers are looking to grab him for ER’s cancellation. I have one rhetorical question for them — and you thought Renteria was bad?

Emmanuel Burriss/Kevin Frandsen/Eugenio Velez – Two are SAGNOFers (Velez and Burriss) and one is useless. With Renteria now in the Bay Area, these three schmohawks will battle for 2nd. (The thought of them battling made me think of a 3 on 1 wrestling match like Andre the Giant used to have, but in this case Andre’s played by Pablo Sandoval. And that made me giggle. Hehe.) If one of the SAGNOFers grabs the spot, I will be excited and pushing you to grab him for cheap speed.

Now stay with me here, because these numbers are about to become Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift-style.  200 Ks in 208 1/3 IP in 2008.  In 2007, 213 Ks in 216 2/3 IP. In 2006, 184 Ks. 2005 — 192 Ks. As Moses said in the desert, are you following me here? Dooode strikes out people and throws a ton of innings. Now he moves to the NL (though a decent hitting NL division) and gets to pitch in a park that slightly favored hitters in 2008, but is a pretty neutral park overall, unlike Cellular Field that simply favors hitters. Me likey. Before the trade, Bill James projected a 3.80/1.24/195 in 214 innings for 2009. I think those were generous projections before the trade, but now I think they’re right in line with what you should expect. (Did Bill James get a hold of Biff Tannen’s sports book? Food for thought.) The only thing that kinda dulls the finish on this trade is, “The Mazzone Shine.”

For seventeen years Mazzone did such wonders with the Braves pitchers that people still overrate them, even though Mazzone hasn’t been there in years. This want to applaud the Bravos pitchers is “The Mazzone Shine.” (Tell me Jo-Jo Reyes or Jorge Campillo would have been as owned in 2008 if not for The Mazzone Shine. FYI, that’s a rhetorical “Tell me.” I’m not really asking you.) Unfortunately, The Mazzone Shine will now help people locate Javier Vazquez on their 2009 fantasy radars.  Prior to the trade, Vazquez was a sleeper with upside, as evidenced by my 15th and 17th round mock draft picks. Now The Shine may lift him from underrated to rated.

Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp will be a starter again. For the Ministry of Silly Names, this is a great day. For everyone else, this means a very cheap potential 15/20/.280 hitter has just entered the league.  Also, with the peasant Royals, Crisp will prolly be the leadoff man, but don’t think that means much in the way of runs. David DeJesus was their primary leadoff man in 2008 and he only scored 70 runs.

Mark Teahen – This trade pushes Teahen to the bench.  Not a big loss for fantasy.

Ramon Ramirez – Has solid stuff for a middle reliever and I would consider grabbing him late in deep AL-Only leagues if you’re a Mr. B. Don’t go crazy though, he’s not really a mixed league candidate just yet.

Justin Masterson – Boom goes the dynamite!  Or is it boom goes his fantasy value? With the addition of Ramirez, Masterson could be heading into the rotation or the Sawx might use him for trade bait while his value is high. Everything I’ve read on Masterson says he’s a solid middle reliever who could be exploited in the rotation. Personally, I think a Sawx starter has value in the right matchups, even if he’s Danny Masterson little brother.

Kevin Gregg – Piniella, “I know we have Marmol, but I need someone to screw up the 9th inning!” The Cubs GM says they’re keeping their options open about who will be the closer in 2009. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to be a case where Piniella says something like, “Gregg has closed before and Marmol is good in the 7th and 8th innings, why should we change anything?”  This doesn’t mean Marmol won’t be the 2009 closer. It just means I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cubs lean towards Gregg being the 2009 closer. Closing really has little to do with being the better pitcher; it’s all about opportunity.

Kerry Wood – Wood’s definitely on the way out now. I’m sure this will bring up mixed emotions for any levelheaded Cubs fans (<–oxymoron).  It will be interesting to see where he lands. Conjecture called and said, “Maybe San Diego.”

Carlos Marmol – See Gregg, Kevin or about an inch above. In addition, I will say Marmol should be the closer. Hopefully the right thing happens here and Piniella goes with Marmol.

Jose Ceda – Actually has really good stuff as he averaged more than a K an inning in Double-A. Double-A?! Did I stutter? Yes, he’s still very raw at 21. Does it surprise you at all that the Marlins would acquire a very cheap, raw minor leaguer?

Matt Lindstrom – Matt Lindstrom will prolly (BTW, if you weren’t aware, I have fully embraced “Prolly” as a shortened form of “Probably.” “Seriously” may soon become “Srsly.” Stay tuned!) receive the biggest value bump from this trade. Lindstrom was set to be the Marlins 2009 closer when they gave him the job at the end of September and now it looks to be official. This is not to say he’ll succeed, but as always SAGNOF. If Lindstrom’s the closer, which it looks like he will be, then he’s the one that needs to be drafted in 2009.

Joey Devine – I’ve already shown you my campaign pin for Devine in 2009. Unfortunately, the louder I sing his praises, the more Devine is going to be hyped up going into 2009 drafts. Make no mistake, this will not make him better, just more hyped. Make sure to keep those two separate in your mind.

Brad Ziegler – No one has come out and said Devine will be the A’s closer in 2009. I just think he will. Ziegler has “Setup man” written all over him. It was written on him by Devine while Ziegler was passed out drunk.

Carlos Gonzalez – Last year, Gonzalez did not show one sign that he was ready for the majors. He’s a decent prospect that needs to be grabbed in keeper and NL-Only leagues as an endgame option. He may not do a thing in 2009. His role will have to be watched in spring training.

Greg Smith – He was the recipient of terrible run support on the A’s (Shocker!), but now that the Rockies gave away their offensive centerpiece, they may look like the 2008 A’s in 2009. Greg Smith is a flyball pitcher heading to Coors — Hey, Gus, leave the balls in the humidor for another twenty minutes. I don’t think they’re done yet. — and Smith doesn’t strikeout many hitters. I want Ubaldo and Francis before Smith on my fantasy teams in 2009 and I don’t really want them either. Understand? Or am I being obtuse?

CC Sabathia – Sabathia almost didn’t make this list. Not because he’s not a free agent. He is, a top one at that. I just don’t see his value changing a whole lot with a new team. If he goes to the Yankees, he’ll be facing tougher hitters than the NL Central — pho sho! He’ll still be dominant and he’ll still be coming off a season when he was overworked.

Ben Sheets – Here’s another guy that I don’t think gets that affected by free agency as long as he stays healthy– Just as I was typing that, a butterfly in the Republic of Djibouti flapped its wings and Ben Sheets pulled an abdominal muscle.

Brian Fuentes – Fuentes needs to land with a team that needs a closer for him to retain his value. Otherwise, his value will be this.

Francisco Rodriguez – Wherever he lands, he’ll get at least 70 saves next year. (<–sarcasm) He might benefit a bit by the move to the NL (since he’s almost definitely going to the Mets), but he’s still never going to see a saves season like he just did.

Oliver Perez – All indications are that Perez will vacate Queens. I could see Perez hurt by a move. A new team will have to figure out what makes Oliver Perez work then try to duplicate it from start to start. Good. Luck.

A.J. Burnett – The number one crazy hot chick in baseball. One day, a shutout and 12 Ks. Next day, pretending to be pregnant so you won’t go out with the fellas. Burnett’s a fantasy ulcer waiting to happen.

Matt Holliday – Takes a huge hit on his value, but it doesn’t completely zap all of his value. As a Rockie, he was a 1st rounder. This knocks him back to the third round. He is a lot more of an average hitter than a big bomber. Let’s not forget, he only hit 25 home runs calling Coors home. Now he’ll be dealing with pitchers he’s not as familiar with and dealing with a ginormous foul territory.  Rumor has it that the foul territory in Oakland is home to Bigfoot. No one’s sure because half of it is unexplored like the Arctic. Holliday will play most of his games in pitcher’s parks in a pitching division. A slight change from Coors where the air was as light as LC and Audrina conversations — No, Brody looked at me first! Not to mention, the A’s intestinal suckitude when it comes to moving runners and stealing. The steps forward Holliday took in adding speed into his game in 2008 may take a step back in 2009. Then there’s the fact it’ll be a walk year for Holliday since the A’s won’t negotiate a contract with him (unless Beane’s dead aunt was really wealthy). So, in a walk year, it’s conceivable to think Holliday will A) Try to do too much and do less B) Not run to avoid injury C) There is no C but I believe in rule of threes. Overall, Holliday’s fantasy value takes a hit, but he’s still a number one outfielder and a 3rd rounder overall. Think Justin Morneau in the OF.

Manny Ramirez – His move from the hitter’s park of Fenway to the pitcher’s park of Dodgers Stadium showed that wherever he ends up, he can hit.  I’m more worried about motivation for Manny in 2009.  Depending on the scope of the deal he eventually lands, he may phone-in the rest of his career. Yo, career, this is Manny. I’m not playing today. I’m IM’ing with Big Papi. Say hello to your mother for me.

Mark Teixeira – The lineup Teixeira ends up in could have a factor on his 2009 production, but Teixeira flip-flops leagues and hits fine — just not as much as he supposedly can. I say “supposedly can” because somewhere along the line he was labeled a 45 home run guy. He’s not a 45 home run guy, unless he goes to Coors.

Milton Bradley – He was in a great hitter’s park in 2008 — See 2005 and 2006 Teixeira — and Bradley’s an injury flake. Don’t let a Major League team overpaying this offseason for Bradley convince you you need him on your fantasy team. Sorry, Milton Bradley is not fun for all ages.

Pat Burrell – Be interesting to see the Mets make a run for Pat the Bat just so they can avoid facing him. Burrell will potentially lose a few home runs with a move, but he’s 30/95/.250 hitter just about everywhere — for at least another couple of years.

Bobby Abreu – If he goes to, say, the Mariners — yuck. If Abreu goes to the Padres — yuck with two sides of blech. Leaving the Yankees could hurt Abreu’s value. If you’re considering keeping him, you need to keep this in mind.

Jake Peavy’s Away ERA in 2008 was 4.28. Home ERA was 1.75. Peavy’s three year average ERA Away from Petco is 3.73 — a full run higher than his home ERA. Sure, 2008 was a down year for Peavy because of an elbow injury. But what makes anyone think an elbow injury is a good sign that Peavy’s 2009 season is going to be better? Is that what you look for in pitchers? No, me either. Now I think all of this will be moot because the Padres want back waaaay too much. (That’s right, four A’s on that way. Watch out!) I’ve read they want from the Braves Jurrjens, Yunel and the hot pitching prospect, Tommy Hanson. Mmmbop… That ain’t happening. Then the Chicago Tribune is talking about a trade of Adrian Gonzalez and Peavy for Derrek Lee, Sean Marshall and Felix Pie. This trade doesn’t even sound that great for the Padres. They want Lee and Pie? Don’t they already have a lack of power?  In the end, I think Peavy stays with the Padres and in Petco. For your fantasy baseball team, you should hope so.

Mike Jacobs – The trade to the Royals will not help him hit better than .260. If anything, it might cause him to hit even worse. Now he’ll be facing pitchers that he hadn’t seen at all or only during interleague. I liked Jacobs last year for some late round power and that doesn’t change. Now he has a few more caveats (<–yo, that’s Latin!) attached to his name. He can be easily replaced by the foursome of DH/1st basemen and he’ll be facing unfamiliar pitching. 30 home runs is still his over/under. .250 is his ceiling.

Leo Nunez – The Marlins have to be the most fortunate franchises in the history of baseball. Everything they touch turns to gold and I wouldn’t be surprised if Nunez is just another example. He has some low minor closing experience, so they could possibly use him in that capacity (which is doubtful). He has starting experience so they could use him as a starter — also doubtful. He will more than likely be used as a middle man. He might not be drafted out of the gate in 2009, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gives some fantasy teams a much needed middle reliever boost. Mr. Bs, are you listening?