Stars are made in California.  There are thousands of stories….Harrison Ford getting his big break in American Graffiti after George Lucas had initially hired him for a carpentry job…Robert ‘Kid Stays in the Picture’ Evans was discovered bathing at the Beverly Hills Hotel….Two A’s outfielders funding ex-batboy Stanley Burrell to realize his rap dreams under his nom de rhyme MC Hammer…Traci Lords was discovered selling Girl Scout Cookies in San Fernando Valley, etc.

It was this California star-making machine that saw a .210-hitting non-3B prospect in Matt Keough and saw the potential for a star-making role at starting pitcher, a role worthy of a Razzball Spotlight.

1977-1978 – The Prologue

Keough was converted to pitcher in 1977 at the age of 21.  After a satisfactory year at AA (9-12 3.81 ERA /1.31 WHIP) and 6 starts during a September callup, Keough made the 1978 A’s major league pitching staff.  This is surprising until you scan the 1978 A’s roster which had been completely gutted by Charlie Finley of the talent that led to a 1972-1974 ‘three-peat’ that has only been matched since by the Yankees 1998-2000 run and Tom Emanski’s early ’90s back-to-back-to-back AAU championships.

Keough’s 1978 season was a relative success at initial glance.  He went 8-15 but with a 3.24 ERA/1.33 WHIP and an ERA+ of 110 (meaning his ERA was 10% better than the average pitcher adjusted to the ballpark in which he pitched).  He was even the A’s representative for the All-Star game where he managed a scoreless 1/3 of an inning.  But the season was really a tale of two halves as he went 6-4/2.16/1.17 in the 1st half and 2-11/4.44/1.51 in the second half.  The stage was set for a Razztastic 1979…

1979 – The Initial Setback

During the 1979 offseason, there may have been doubts among Oakland coaches whether Keough’s first half was a flash in the pan or his second half was just the result of a talented young pitcher having a tired arm.

Keough put those doubts to rest over his first 25 starts where he managed a win total of…..zero.  On the bright side, he managed 11 no-decisions so his record was merely 0-14.  This tied the MLB record of losses to start a season with (Sloppy?) Joe Harris of the 1906 Red Sox whose 9.1% career winning percentage (3-30) is not only the worst post-1900 for 30+ decisions but it’s twice as bad as that of runner-up Hal Griggs (18.8%).  This poor start left Keough 2-25 since the 1978 All-Star break and with 18 straight losses – only 5 away from the then record.

Editors of the San Francisco Chronicle and Oakland Tribune readied their newspapers for history with drafted headlines such as “Enough is Keough”, “KO for Keough”, and “Is The O-Fer Oakland?”.  But then Keough found his first wind on September 5th with a complete game victory against the Brewers.  He also threw a shutout against the defending AL West champ Royals intermixed between three more losses.  The final results:

• A 2-17 record with a .105 winning percentage that was the worst since 1916 (only to be bested 6 years later by Jose DeLeon’s 2-19).
• A 5.04 ERA that finished 4th in MLB (with an ERA+ of 81 that was the 6th worst in the league bested, ironically enough, by ex-Athletic ace Vida Blue).
• His 1.687 WHIP was worst in the MLB.

1980-1981 – The Redemption

Despite the poor 1979 season, Keough still had a spot on the starting staff of a resurgent 1980 A’s team that went from last to 2nd place under Billy Martin.  Youngster Rickey Henderson stole 100 SBs with an insane .420 OBP,  Tony Armas hit 35 HRs, and the A’s relief pitchers took the season off as the A’s starting staff threw 94 complete games (?!?!) with four of those starts going 14 innings (see here for the box score of Keough’s 14 IP triumph over the Blue Jays, outlasting Dave Steib who wussed out after 12 innings).  The next two AL teams in CGs – Milwuakee and Baltimore – managed only 90 between them.   Keough went the distance in 20 of his 32 starts finishing 3rd in CGs to teammates Rick Langford (28) and Cy Young runner-up Mike Norris (24).

Keough’s 1980 and 1981 pitching lines of 16-13/2.92/1.248 in 250 IP and 10-6/3.40/1.211 in 140 IP (in a strike-shortened season) were both strong campaigns – clearly benefiting from experience and the respect given to those who can pull off a Selleckian moustache.  Entering 1982 at the young age of 26, Keough was making his 1978-1979 challenges look like a fluke…

1982 – The Penultimate Setback

Billy Martin’s magic fizzled out in 1982 as the team fell back to 68-94.  While Rickey Henderson thrived (setting the record with 130 SBs), the young Oakland pitchers fell back to earth like a chopped oak to land.  The top 3 starters (Langford, Norris, Keough) had all achieved an ERA+ over 116 in 1980.  By 1982, none of the three even reached 100 (league-average).  And none of them fell harder than Keough…

Keough’s 11-18 record belied how bad of a season he had.  How bad (all of the below for 162+ IP pitchers)?

• The 18 losses tied for the MLB high.
• His 5.72 ERA was the worst in baseball and the 10th worst between 1944-1996.
• His 68 ERA+ was the worst in baseball and the 10th worst in baseball since 1944.
• His K/BB ratio of 0.74 (75 K, 101 BB) is the 5th worst since 1962*
• His 38 HRs were worst in the majors and made the top 25 list prior to 1998.
• And, last but least, his WAR (Wins Above Replacement) of -2.5 is the worst WAR for a pitcher since 1952.  (His 1979 WAR was amazingly +1.0 so I guess a replacement pitcher would’ve gone 1-18?)

*Interesting sidenote:  The list of pitchers with more walks than strikeouts in a season since 1970 include Tommy John, Phil Niekro, Mike Torrez (4 times!), Joaquin Andujar (twice) and Fernando Valenzuela.

1983-1986 – The Denouement

Keough managed just 10 more wins over the next 4 injury-plagued seasons before retiring (sadly this is one more than fellow Billy-abused starters Rick Langford and Mike Norris managed COMBINED for the rest of their careers).  Keough couldn’t even escape Billy Martin as he was sadistically traded in 1983 to the Martin-led Yankees just in case his arm needed more abuse.

1987 – 2004 – The Triumph

Keough’s star turn in California baseball did serve him well in that he was able to snag a Playboy Playmate / one of the three ZZ Top girls (Jeana Tomasino) with which he had three children – including one (Shane Keough) that is was an OF in the A’s minor league system (the A’s released him in July 2010).  He also has worked for the Angels, Rays, and A’s in various roles such as coaching, scouting, and front office.  While not a star, it appeared Keough would at least have one of those desirable supporting roles like being on the second detective team of a procedural (thanks for chasing down that lead, Ice-T and Richard Belzer!)

2005-2010 – The Ultimate Setback

Unfortunately, stars rarely just fade.  Sometimes they implode.  Sometimes they explode.  Or sometimes they get arrested for a DUI after rear-ending a car at a stop sign and wandering from the scene until apprehended (in 2005), get found drinking at a bar which violated his probation and sentenced for 180 days (2007), and get arrested once again for a DUI where he registered 3 times the legal limit after hitting a stop sign (2009).

And, because it’s California, this turmoil was featured in the initial series of the nadir of TV franchises – the Real Housewives of the OC – where his now zaftig wife was able to broadcast that the two had separated.  (Hey Scott Podsednik – hope you’re taking notes).

Matt Keough – Congratulations on a fabulous journey and your star will always shine in the Razzball galaxy.

There is one immutable law within baseball.  When on offense, don’t make outs*.  For a short time in the 80′s, no one broke this law with as much abandon and aplomb as Omar Moreno.

* Yes, you can argue the sacrifice bunt, sacrifice fly, and the ground ball to the right side when a man is on 2nd with no outs are ‘productive’ outs.  That doesn’t mean we want to hear it.

Omar Moreno never pretended to be on the right side of the law – his affiliation with Pirates, his love for the stolen base, a name that sounds like an amalgam of badass Omar Little from ‘The Wire’ and Tony ‘Scarface’ Montana.  After being signed as a free agent in 1969 at the age of Latin 16, he toiled for over 7 years in the minors before earning his skull and crossbones with the 1977-1978 Pirates.  Besides narrowly missing the playoffs for two straight years because of their cross-state rival’s unstoppable troika of Mike Schmidt/Fat Shit (Luzinski)/Bat Shit (Carlton), the Pirates also had a startling number of:

• Future Yankees (7 – Moreno, Dale Berra, John Candelaria, Mike Easler, Goose Gossage, Al Holland, Ed Whitson)
• Future managers (4 – Phil Garner, Ken Macha, Cito Gaston, Jim Fregosi)
• Future players charged by MLB with doing cocaine (3 – Dale Berra, Dave Parker, Al Holland)

In 1979, Moreno ascended to the leadoff spot as previous leadoff hitter Frank Taveras was jettisoned to the Mets.  Moreno had his best year yet leading the league in ABs (695), SBs (77), and even getting some MVP votes (finished 15th) as the ‘We Are Family’ Pirates won the World Series.  Beneath all this success, however, was a hunger to make Outs.  His 535 outs (395 ground out/flyouts, 104 Ks, 21 CS, 7 GIDP,  6 Sac Hits, 2 Sac Flies) were the 4th highest in MLB history.  Any satisfaction that Moreno could take in this accomplishment was lost when the same very Frank Taveras whom he supplanted at the top of the Pirates batting order set the new standard with 545 outs.

Armed with this motivation and the goodwill that comes from helping a team win the World Series, Moreno shattered the single-season Outs record with 560 outs in 1980 despite 12 less plate appearances from the previous year.  Playing in all 162 games for the 2nd year in a row, his luck turned when his BABIP (batting average on balls in play) dropped from .322 to .290 and knocked his AVG (.249) and OBP (.306) to Razztastically low levels.  While he dazzled the league with 96 SBs, they were only a cover to pad his Outs total with 33 caught stealings.  No one – including Frank Taveras – could compete with the Out-making machine that was Omar Moreno.

After a strike-shortened 1981 where Moreno only finished 3rd in the league in Outs behind Ozzie Smith and past Historical Spotlight nominee Ivan DeJesus, Moreno arose like a malevolent Phoenix in 1982.  He equalled his 1979 total of 535 outs in 51 less plate appearances by getting back to fundamentals.  He increased his K rate, cut down on those pesky BBs, and decreased his SB percentage.  His adjusted OPS (i.e., OPS+) of 68 was a career low.

Realizing he had nothing left to prove in Pittsburgh, Moreno signed a free-agent deal with Houston who traded him in August to the ex-Pirate loving Yankees (note: besides the seven 1977-1978 Pirates mentioned earlier who went on to play for the Yankees, another five played with Moreno from 1979-1982:  Tim Foli, Cecilio Guante, Pascual Perez, Rick Rhoden, Rod Scurry).  Despite never clearing a .300 OBP for the Yanks from 1983-1985, the Yankees never gave Moreno the inordinate playing time he had with the Pirates as his one dazzling skill (stolen bases) flickered away.  A last hurrah with the 1986 Braves (.276 OBP over 386 plate appearances) hinted at another run at the single season Outs leaderboard but it wasn’t meant to be.  He retired from MLB at the young age of (Latin) 33 but stayed involved with baseball – playing in the short-lived Senior Professional Baseball Association, coaching in the Panamanian winter leagues and teaching his son (Omar Moreno Jr.) the gift of Out-making.

Omar Moreno – we’ve never seen another player make outs as often as you did.  If liking you is against the law, consider us outlaws.

** Omar Moreno’s 560 outs are still the single season record as of January 2010.   His two seasons of 535 outs are tied for 7th most in a season. **

True love is rare.  True love means not just accepting the good and the bad – it means never even thinking to judge.  True love is a warm embrace – like a passionate wet kiss you don’t want to end, a steamy mug of cocoa that you don’t want to stop drinking, a fever that you never want to leave your system….

True love is what Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane Jr. feels for our Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee Brad Ausmus.

Brad Ausmus (an Americanized version of the popular German surname Ahsmünch) is a hard man not to love – especially if you were a Jewish mother with a single daughter.  A good Jewish boy out of Connecticut, graduated from Dartmouth, a successful professional…(you could do worse…)

He began his career in the Yankee farm system and was plucked from their roster in the 1992 expansion draft (along with Charlie Hayes and Carl Everett) for the Rockies and Marlins.  After a couple of years on the Padres and Tigers, he was part of part of possibly the most Razztastic trade ever -  an 8 person trade b/w the Tigers and Astros that included Ausmus and 2 other Razzball Spotlight members (Jose Lima, Brian L Hunter).  It was as if Detroit traded GM and Chrysler to Houston for Enron.

Ausmus’ initial 2 year stint (1997-1998) in Houston resulted in okay hitting and two first round playoff losses.  When Ausmus wasn’t hitting for the collar, he and his open collar hit on Houston girls.

In what McLane would later say was “The biggest mistake of my life”, the Astros found the trade receipt and returned Ausmus to Detroit.  Ausmus made the All-Star game in 1999 with Detroit – the benefits of playing for a crappy team and rules requiring each team has at least one representative.  The Astros managed to make the playoffs in 1999 only to lose again in the 1st round.

In 2001, McLane listened to his heart and re-traded for Ausmus.  The trade came just in time as Ausmus was set to embark on a Razztastic eight season hitting stretch during which he plumbed levels that had never been plumbed before.  Now if you’re the type that thinks Ausmus is the Bossmus (i know at least one), you’re probably thinking, “Was Ausmus really any worse a hitter than all those light-hitting catchers I grew up with?”  Well, let’s look at the stats…

The best way to compare vs. previous eras is to use the OPS+ metric which adds OBP and SLG then factors in league and park averages.  Ausmus’s 2001 (57), 2003 (55), 2004 (63) and 2006 (54) mark the 3rd, 4th, 15th, and 7th lowest OPS+ seasons by any catcher with 448+ plate appearances since 1930.  No other catcher even managed two seasons in their career that were as bad as this crappershop quartet Ausmus produced in a six year period.  In 2002, he became the 2nd player in the last 100+ years to hit into at least 30 double plays and not hit 30 extra base hits.  He managed the GIDP>XBH feat again in 2006 with 21 GIDP to 19 XBH.

When asked to pack Ausmus’ ‘tools of ignorance’, the equipment guys would pack his bats instead of his catching equipment.  His hitting was so cartoonish that opposing pitchers would call the Astro hitter “Rad Rausmus”.  Tony LaRussa laid awake at night wondering if he coached Ausmus whether he’d hit him 9th and let the pitcher hit 8th or would he keep Ausmus 8th and have him bunt and let the pitchers swing away.  But all the while, the Astros kept penciling his name in the lineup card – praising him for everything from his defense to his handling of his pitchers to the pristine condition of his game-used bats.

Starting in 2007, the Astros realized that they couldn’t count on Ausmus (then 38) to forfeit the 8th spot in the lineup forever.  Ausmus took Eric Munson under his wing in 2007 but Munson’s 74 OPS+ proved too competent and he was promptly waived at the end of the year.  Ausmus graciously took a backup role to J.R. Towles in 2008 and watched as Towles exploded onto the Razzball scene with an otherworldly .137 AVG and 34 OPS+ in 146 ABs.

While Ausmus maintained his torpid streak of hitting in 2007-2008 despite additional rest and more favorable matchups, he could see the writing on the wall.  He realized the only way he could repay the love that McLane and the Astros showed him was to heed Sting’s advice and set them free.  Carlos Lee even offered to pay his salary but Ausmus refused, stating “It’s certainly flattering but I had an unprecedented 8 year run here.  My job is done.  Plus, as Carlos’s accountant, I had to advise against it.”

Ausmus is currently trying to sign on with a Southern California team.  One would think his bat would fit in just perfectly with San Diego.  Until then, he’ll be hitting the waves – hopefully more successfully then his hitting of baseballs.

Brad Ausmus – Jewish Sports Hall of Fame honoree and now Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee.  You’ve made us so proud, bubelah!

Update:  Funny tribute video by the Astros for Ausmus.  Nice to see they have a sense of humor about this stuff.

The 1998 HR race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa has received credit for many things:

1. Getting America excited about baseball again after the long shadow of the 1994 strike.
2. Showing that man hugs are in no way gay.
3. Allowing sports journalists to master the art of triflection – genuflection at the time of McGwire and Sosa’s feats, reflection after the painfully obvious fact that they were ‘roided up became inarguable, and deflection of any responsibility for their uncritical hype in the matter.
4. Popularizing andro, backne, and the chest tap.
5. Inspiring Barry Bonds to conduct an experiment to see if multiplying the negative of his natural dickishness with the negative of artificial ‘roid rage would turn out positive (answer: in short term, yes. long term, no)

But the McGwire-Sosa race also succeeded in inspiring the envy of the American League. Despite a 2nd World Series win in 3 years by the Yankees, the National League dominated the headlines thanks to McGwire and Sosa. And, adding insult to injury, both were ex-ALers that had been fleeced in trades with a pre-Beane Oakland and a harbingerific Dubya-owned Texas. How can you top a race to break the cherished single-season HR record? The same way you topple any top-heavy competitor – you aim low.

And no one aimed lower in 1999 than Brian L. Hunter of the Tigers/Mariners and Darren Lewis of the Red Sox as they competed in….

First a little background on our participants:

Brian L. Hunter was a speedy outfielder who raced through the Astros system, making the big leagues in 1994. He wasn’t fast enough to claim a middle initial-less name, though, as a Brian (R.) Hunter made the majors in 1991 for Atlanta. You know what the L stood for? Lee. What, you thought I was gonna say Loser? That’s just mean. But if ever there was a sign that BLH had potential for Razzball Spotlightdom, it was his trade to the lowly Tigers in 1996 that included past honoree Jose Lima.

Darren Lewis was a somewhat speedy, no-hit CF who became a full-time starter with the Giants in 1993 and was best known for his glove and nearly being traded to the Yankees in 1995 for a struggling Bernie Williams (Gene Michael ignored Steinbrenner’s impulsiveness). By the time the 1999 rolled around, he had been traded by the Giants and bounced around 3 other teams.

So you may ask “How do you determine offensive ineptitude?” (I gave you credit for a big vocab word.) We’re going to use Adjusted OPS (OPS+) which is a player’s OBP + SLG adjusted for the park and the league in which the player played. Dorky but effective.

To add some perspective, we’re going to use two poor-hitting outfielders as reference points

1. Gary Pettis – a speedy 1980′s defensive outfielder that played primarily with the Angels. He managed a .236 BA and an 80 OPS+ over his 11 year career, hitting about 3 HRs per 500 ABs. (Rumor has it that Gary Pettis, Rod Carew, and Angels 78-year old owner Gene Autry once held a home run hitting contest on a Monday night. It was ruled a zero-zero-zero tie four nights later as Carew had to go home for Shabbat dinner.)
2. Pete Gray – a light-hitting outfielder who played in the WWII era and had a 48 OPS+ in 234 career ABs. It’s worth noting, though, that he only had one arm (see adjacent photo). Gray had good speed and was a surprisingly deft bunter but he suffered from an inability to hit curve balls (aka Serrano Syndrome) and difficulty hitting HRs due to the topspin generated by his tennis forehand-like swing. (He finished with the second highest average amongst one arm players, ahead of Jim Abbott but well behind Johnny Damon.)

Let’s take this race month-by-month. Since neither Hunter and Lewis are great photo subjects, we’ve replaced them with the Crocodile Hunter and Jerry Lewis in the below line graph.

April – Both players fell within the Razztastic Pettis/Gray hitting range with Lewis slightly in the lead (with the lesser OPS+). Towards the end of the month, Hunter gets traded to the Mariners where he’s placed at the head of the lineup followed by A-Rod, Griffey, and eDHgar Martinez. Fans christens it the ‘Butter Face’ lineup. Lewis hits #2 for the first 10 games but for the rest of the month he, like ham on a pig, occupies the back third.

May – Like Dave Winfield, Hunter and Lewis had their best months in May – both topping Pettis’ career average. Highlights included a .312 average for the month by Lewis (Hey Lay-dee!) and a massive 1 HR / 10 RBI power display by Hunter (Crikey!)

June – Hunter finishes below Lewis for the 2nd month in a row as they both nestle within the safety of the Pettis/Gray zone.

July – As the temperature started to rise, Hunter and Lewis’s OPS+ started to plummet. Hunter’s 2 HR month catapulted him ahead of Lewis despite an OBP of .271 (guess it’s hard to work a walk when A-Rod and Griffey are behind you). Neither invited to the All-Star game.

August – Lewis has a slight rebound while there is no Rhyme for the Ain’t Shit Mariner. Aided by Pinella’s decision to wedge David Bell b/w Hunter and A-Rod in the lineup, Hunter receives a few less meatball pitches and manages a .171 AVG and an astonishing .190 SLG. Note that going 1-for-5 with a single nets a .200 SLG. Hunter couldn’t manage that pace for 105 August ABs.

September/October – With the season on the line, Lewis turned it off big time in September/October with a .160 AVG over 81 AB. A lone double boosted his SLG to .173. All while in a pennant race with the Yanks during which Jimy Williams inexplicably batted him second 16 times. Hunter didn’t flinch – he managed to lower his monthly average to .170 although his SLG crept over the .200 mark. But that was enough to win the battle….

The final stats…
Hunter – 539 AB/79 R/4 HR/34 RBI/.232 AVG/.280 OBP/.301 SLG/.581 OPS/ 48 OPS+
Lewis – 470 AB/63 R/2 HR/40 RBI/.240 AVG/.311 OBP/.309 SLG/.620 OPS/ 57 OPS +

As if these stats aren’t Razztastic enough, 1999 was a huge offensive year. The AL SLG and OPS averages were the 2nd highest in the 20th century (first was 1996). Combine awful stats with strong league hitting and you’ve got an offensive performance by Brian L. Hunter that is the worst by an OF with enough ABs to qualify for the batting title since 1904 (granted not ever but still…). It was bad enough to tie the career OPS+ of the aformentioned mono-armed Pete Gray.

Darren Lewis’ 57 OPS+, while higher than that of the hitting cripple and Pete Gray, tied for the 2nd worst offensive performance by a qualifying OF.

While September/October hinted at lesser things from Hunter & Lewis, they never got more than 250 ABs in a season to plumb further. Hunter played for four more teams in the next 4 years. Lewis hung around the Sawx for two years and then a last year with the Cubs.

While we can never truly know whether Hunter and Lewis records are on the level vs. tainted by performance-enfeebling drugs, we will give them the benefit of the doubt. Because even Razzball can be guilty of triflection now and then.

For a man and a woman to produce a great baseball player, it takes an ovum with a very good eye to spot a 5-tool sperm out of the pack. While there is more room for error if the father is a former player like Bobby Bonds or Ken Griffey Sr., it’s extremely rare that the same pitcher/catcher combination produces more than one HOF caliber player. (Note: Ms. Koufax’s eagle-eyed ova managed to find the one athletic specimen of the 180 million nebbish sperm provided by her husband. Jonas Salk purported that if he had access to Ms. Koufax’s womb, he could have cured blindness. Then again, Jonas would say anything to get into a girl’s womb…)

There are some exceptions to this rule:

1) Paul “Big Poison” and Lloyd “Little Poison” Waner amassed 5,611 hits for the pre-WWII Pirates (back when they were good).

2) The Alou triumvirate of Felipe, Matty, and Jesus amassed more than 5,000 hits. Ms. Alou was so fertile that her vagina was used for agricultural purposes during fallow reproduction periods.

3) The DiMaggio trio of Joe, Dom, and Vince may have been the best set of brothers but their combined stats seem less impressive because of time lost in service (Joe and Dom both served 3 years during WWII) and that the DiMaggio’s were 3 of about 40 DiMaggio children (as was de riguer among Italians of the era).

The more common scenario among baseball playing progeny is at most one heavyweight (say, Sly Stallone) and one lightweight (say, Frank Stallone). Could the lightweight brothers ever have been contenders (aka contendas) or did they just ride their brother’s coattails? Tough to say. But here are some examples:

1) Tommie Aaron. Brother Hank hit 755 HRs. Tommie hit 13. He got hate letters…from African-Americans.

2) Ozzie Canseco. Jose and his twin combined for 462 HRs and stole 200 SBs in the majors. Ozzie was responsible for 0 HRs and 0 SBs as he managed just 13 hits (6 doubles!) and 4 RBIs in his 65 career ABs. Thus, Ozzie had about the same impact on their brotherly combined statistics as, say, Lizzie McGwire would if you combined her stats with those of Mark McGwire.

3) Steve Larkin. Brother Barry played 19 seasons in Cincinnati and starred in 12 All-Star games. Steve played one game for the Reds in 1998 going 1 for 3. I wonder if Steve rubs it in that he has the higher career batting average

4) Chris Gwynn. Brother Tony hit 3,141 hits and won 8 batting titles. Chris managed 263 hits in 10 years. Based on the below photo, it’s no coincidence they both ended up on the team owned by the founder of McDonald’s.

That takes us to Billy Ripken. Billy shot through the minor leagues on a wave of mediocrity and nepotism – making it to the majors in 1987 at the young age of 22 (then again, you never know the true age of Oriole infielders). He soon beat out Alan Wiggins for the Oriole 2B spot as Wiggins, much like Robert Downey Jr., couldn’t choose between speed (66 and 70 SB in 1983/84) and cocaine.

Ripken’s surprising .308/.363/.372 over 234 ABs in 1987 didn’t dupe Oriole fans and brass into thinking that they had another Cal Ripken, but it did have them thinking they had their starting second baseman for 1988 and a #2 hitter to hit in front of his brother and Eddie Murray.

In retrospect, they could not have chosen a better 2nd baseman for their Razztastic 1988 Baltimore Orioles. The season started ominously with a 6 game losing streak. It wasn’t all Billy’s fault – he hit 6-for-24, a respectable .250 clip. But Cal and Eddie were riding the US highways (.091 and .130 respectively) and the axe fell on Cal Ripken Sr. The firing after 6 days shattered Yogi Berra’s unofficial ‘quickest firing’ record of 16 days by the Yanks in 1985 and it broke Cal Sr’s streak of 168 straight games managed. One wonders how Cal Sr. reacted to it given he was ‘wiry, blunt, quick-tempered and given to salty language’.

Baltimore legend and HOFer Frank Robinson came in and got the team into the W column….on April 29th in their 22nd game of the season. Yes, much like a senior undergrad at Oral Roberts University, the team went 0 for their first 21.

Hitting primarily out of the #2 slot (right in front of his brother), Billy had a tough April and May, finishing the two months with a .173 AVG in 162 ABs. Students at nearby Johns Hopkins Medical School ironically mused, “How could Billy’s stats be so anemic given his brother is known as the ‘Iron Man’?” and debated whether to nickname him Anemia Man or Irony Man.

On June 14th, Billy Ripken hit his first HR of the year off of the Tigers’ Doyle Alexander – the sole hitting highlight of a first half that, in 287 ABs, amassed a .199 AVG. Given the Orioles finished the first half at 28-59, it’s not as if he was the only dead weight in the lineup.

During the All-Star Break, Frank Robinson had some thinking to do. Do I send Ripken back down to AAA and potentially anger Cal Jr.? Can I really spoil a Razzterful season in the spirit of meritocracy and honoring the game when our season is already in the shitter? Frank compromised – he kept Ripken in the lineup every day but stashed him in the 9th slot to minimize the impact. To make sure Ripken didn’t lose momentum during the All-Star break, Frank scheduled some extra hitting sessions with former Baltimore SS Mark Belanger.

The 2nd half basically played out like the 1st half – 1 HR and a few more hits to put him over the Mendoza line.

The final line:

512 AB / 52 R / 2 HR / 34 RBI/ 8 SB / .207 AVG / .260 OBP / .258 SLG

Among AL batters with 300+ ABs, Billy Ripken finished last in AVG, OBP, and SLG. His 2 HR did place him ahead of 13 AL hitters including a power-deprived Ozzie Guillen (0 HR in 566 AB), a coke-deprived Willie Wilson (1), and a steroid-deprived Brady Anderson (1 in 325 AB).

That said, Billy felt positive going into the 1989 season. Yes, my 1988 was Razztastic but I’m a Ripken, damnit! I’m only going to get better. It really can’t get any worse than being the worst hitter in the league on the worst team in the league and my father being axed in the first 6 days of the season, could it?

Billy’s optimism, however, stood no chance against the naked ambition of Fleer Corporation which was, at the time, in a fight with Donruss for #2 in the baseball card market. In what is on record as an honest mistake, Billy Ripken’s 1989 baseball card came out with the nickname ‘Fuck Face’ on the knob of his bat. Traumatized, Billy missed the first 15 games of 1989 on the DL with a bruised ego and ended the season with only slightly better results (.239 AVG w/ no power).

During 1990, a reinvigorated Billy blocked out his 1988-1989 mistakes like Fleer blocked out the ‘Fuck Face’ in subsequent printings of the card. He had his best season as a pro when, in 406 AB, he led the Orioles in hitting at .291 – stomping his .250 hitting brother. Granted, Cal out-HRed him 21 to 3 but still…

While Billy’s glove (and surname?) kept him in the league another 8 years, a mix of injuries and responsible coaching kept him from ever topping 330 ABs again. He recently represented Ripken Baseball on a US government-sponsored envoy to China to help build support for baseball. You know Lenn Sakata HAD to be pissed that he wasn’t invited.

Let Cooperstown have Cal. Razzball will take Fuck Face any day of the week (twice on Sundays!)

Note: Besides providing advice and news on fantasy baseball, we at Razzball created and now sponsor a game where the goal is to manage a team and compile the worst stats. These Historical Spotlights honor those players who would’ve excelled in such a format. See here for more info. See here for the summary of the inaugural 2008 season.

Pete Rose. He’s like an Energizer Bunny wrapped in a bad haircut inside a moral vacuum.

On one hand, Charlie Hustle.

On the other hand, Degenerate Hustler.

On one hand, All-Time Hit Leader.

On the other hand, All-Time Full of Shit Leader.

On one hand, he ran over Ray Fosse in an All-Star Game.

On the other hand, he ran over a drifter on his way to an Illegal Card Game (pure speculation).

If there was one place, though, that you wouldn’t expect to see Pete Rose – besides an event giving away free autographs – it would be in a series that celebrates historically awful fantasy baseball seasons. Click one more on the “Pete Rose Didn’t Live Up To My Expectations” counter…

Let’s divide up Pete Rose’s career into three segments:

1) 1963-1982 (20 seasons) – Pete Rose was like the Derek Jeter of his time except less fancy (see video below). 16 All-Star appearances, beloved in real baseball circles, just good to very good in fantasy baseball terms. Why? He couldn’t hit for power (high was 16) and he wasn’t an SB threat (high of 20 ). His two best fantasy baseball assets were average (13 times in NL top 10) and Runs (15 times in the NL top 10). While his OBP stats were also well above average, his OTB stats were consistently disappointing. He bounced around between 1B, 2B, 3B, and OF during these years with most of his time in the OF. Averaged 600+ AB despite walking at a good clip.

2) 1983 (1 season) – Razzball Historical Spotlight Year!

3) 1984-1986 (3 seasons) – Averaged less than 400 AB. The words “Pete Rose” and “sure bet” no longer were spoken in the same sentence except for “Hey, Pete Rose sure bet a lot on today’s Reds game!”

So let’s go back to 1983 – the year before Big Brother started watching us, the year of Michael Jackson ‘Thriller’ and the year Father Time did a piledriver on Pete Rose’s baseball stats.

Turning 42 and in his 4th year with the Phillies, Rose manned first base. While his lack of power (4 home runs in the previous 3 years) would seem to make him an odd choice for first base, there were several logical reasons why Phillie managers Pat Corrales and Paul Owens did this:

• He was still quite good at getting on base – averaging a .350+ OBP his first three years in Philly.
• He made approximiately 0.25 defensive outs a year over the average 1B by catching pop-ups off catcher Bob Boone.
• His bookie had season tickets down the first-base line.
• It made ex-Red teammate and beloved announcer Joe Morgan feel young over at second base.
• Until Steve Balboni revolutionized the position in 1984, 1B had a surprising number of slap hitters. In fact, there were as many 1B that hit less than 10 HRs in 1983 (not including Rose) than hit 20+ HRs (both 7).
  • < 10 HR: Tom Paciorek-9, Keith Hernandez-9, Ray Knight-9, Pete O’Brien-8, Al Oliver-8, Mike Hargrove-3, Rod Carew-2
  • 20+ HR: Eddie Murray-33, Darrell Evans-30, Cecil Cooper-30, Willie Upshaw-27, Willie Aikens-23, Greg Brock-20, Chris Chambliss-20

Pete Rose never really got started in 1983. Through June, 235 AB resulted in a .247 AVG with 28 R, 0 HR, and 22 RBI. A .303 July hinted at a comeback but Pete evaded success in 1983 like it was the taxman. Over 168 AB from August-October, Rose hit .201 with 14 R, 0 HR and 10 RBI.

The final stat line (with 1B/OF eligibilty):

493 AB, 52 R, 0 HR, 45 RBI, 7 SB, .245 AVG, .286 SLG, .316 OBP

How bad was this season? He finished 3rd to last among all NL players (with 350+ AB) in SLG %. As a first baseman! (other two: shortstops Bill Russell and ex-Red teammate Davy Concepcion). Among starting NL 1B, he finished last or second to last in Runs, HR, RBI, and AVG. He was outhit by Phillie shortstop (and previous Razzball Historical Spotlight recipient) Ivan DeJesus for Christ’s sake (.254/.323/.336).

*** In fairness to Pete, he had a lot of bad luck in 1983. He only struck out 28 times so his average should’ve been in the .280 range with average BABIP luck. And if the outfield fence distances were as Asian-inspired as his haircut, he definitely would’ve netted at least a couple of home runs***

Even with Rose’s Razztastic season, the Phillies won the NL Pennant in 1983 led by Fantasy Baseball HOFer Mike Schmidt – proof that a bad moustache trumps a bad haircut. It was only in the World Series when Philly finally realized the error in their ways and replaced Rose with the much younger Tony Perez (41 at the time) for two of the 5 games. Alas, they lost to the Baltimore Orioles who somehow bested the Rose/DeJesus 1B/SS combination of the Phillies with Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken Jr. Honestly, Eddie Munster and Cal Ripken Sr. might have been enough…

Pete Rose stuck around for a couple of years – partly for the competition and partly to cement the all-time record in Outs. In the process, he also set records in Games, At-Bats and Hits. After his playing career ended, he became a radio personality, fathered a surprisingly attractive daughter (yeah, that’s his daughter), and made a few poor decisions along the way.

Pete Rose. You may not be allowed in the MLB Hall of Fame but you’re in the Razzball Hall of Fame (whether you like it or not).

What’s true in Razzball is what’s true in real life: All good things must come to an end. Yes, I’m speaking of Lima Time.

While early reports that Jose Lima was released from the Kia Tigers of the Korean League may have been lost in translation, it is just a matter of time before a bad outing against the Samsung Kimchi Dragons or the Hyundai Seoul Glows (my favorite Korean league team) will bring an end to a career so anthemic in its enough ups, downs, beatups, and beatdowns that it could only be best metaphorized by Tina and Ike Turner’s ‘River Deep Mountain High” (wish I had Jose’s version – similar costuming and choreography though)

Señor Lima was gracious enough to put together two seasons so Razztastic that we’ll commemorate both in this Spotlight. And…vamanos…

2000 – Houston Astros

Coming into 2000, everything was going Jose’s way. Traded to Houston in 1996 from then baseball (and still urban) purgatory Detroit, Jose turned in a 16-8/169 K/3.70/1.12 pitching line in 1998 and a 21-10/187 K/3.58/1.22 in 1999 that netted him 4th place in the Cy Young voting. At 27 years old, it truly seemed to be Lima’s time…..to be Razztastic.

And Jose didn’t waste any of his precious Lima time in 2000 – putting together Astro-nomical April and May ERAs of 8.42 & 7.68 that netted a 1-7 record. While he was reluctant to give batters a free pass (23 BB), he had no averseness to handing out a free pass around the bases (22 HR). Yes, you read correctly. That’s 22 HR in the first two months of the year. If only there was a phrase that could encapsulate Houston, orbs travelling in the air, and a problem….

The beginning of summer saw Lima have his hottest period of the year, putting together two sub-6.00 ERA months in June or July (5.17 and 5.91) before the weight of carrying such a high ERA into August wore him down. ERAs of 6.67 and 6.16 closed the year.

The final damage:

7-16, 196 1/3 IP, 6.65 ERA, 1.625 WHIP, 124 Ks, 68 BBs, 48 HRs allowed

The HR total fell two short of Bert Blyleven’s 50 HR in 1986 (bet Bert wishes he could do over some of those gopher pitches). But, in Blyleven’s defense, he did pitch 75 more innings than Lima.

How bad was Lima’s Gopheritis? His EHRA (Earned Home Run Average) was 2.20. Pedro Martinez’s ERA in 1999 was 2.07!

While the league ERA was a ridiculous 4.96, the only starter with 162+ IP that was within a 1/2 run of Jose’s ERA was Omar Daal who had a Razztastic 4-19 record with a 6.14 ERA w/ Arizona and Philly.

2001 – 2004 – Calm Before The Storm

Hoping that the Razzterful 2000 season was the anomaly (because so many great pitchers have that one season in the middle of their career where they post ERAs north of a 6.00 ERA), team after team sought after Lima. Detroit in 2001-2002. KC in 2003. LA in 2004. His 2002 season in Detroit – with a 7.77 ERA in 68 1/3 IP – hints at a lost Razzball season. Imagine how many losses Detroit could’ve had that year (they had 106) if they committed more to Lima.

The seemingly foolhardy hope that Lima would party again like it’s 1999 was realized in 2004 as Lima managed a 13-6 season with a 4.07 ERA in the friendly confines of Dodger Stadium. Even more amazing is he managed this while, reportedly, herpes sores and whatnot raged within the friendly confines of his genital area. Not surprisingly, this only made him more beloved amongst LA fans.

2005 – Kansas City Royals

Lima’s uplifting climb in 2004 gave him just enough rope to plummet to a new low in 2005. He found a worthy bungee partner in the Kansas City Royals who were coming off a 104 loss season and were ready for more. A slow start in April – 2 losses and a 6.08 ERA in 5 starts – might have stood out on any other team but were par for the course in KC. Looking for more of the Limalight, Jose brought some Razzball flowers in May reaching double digits in ERA (10.05) over 6 starts and 28 IP. With hitters inexplicably keeping the ball in the park, Lima had to take matters into his own hands by sporting a 12:15 K/BB ratio and 3 HBPs to boot. Despite all that, he only had 4 losses to show by June 1st.

June saw him ‘improve’ to a 7.11 ERA before an unexpected hot streak in July (3.79 ERA in 35 IP) endangered his second Razzball Spotlight-worthy season. Returning to form, a 6.52 August and 9.64 September boosted Lima’s final season numbers to:

5-16, 168 2/3 IP, 6.99 ERA. 1.660 WHIP, 80 Ks, 61 BBs, 31 HRs allowed

This season earned Lima 6th place in worst pitching seasons ever by Geoff Young of Padres’ blog Ducksnorts and baseball blog Knuckle Curve.

How bad was that ERA? Among those eligible for the ERA title (162+ IP), he was a full run greater than his nearest competitor (Mark Hendrickson).

An 80:61 K/BB ratio? Are you kidding me?

How much did he give the O-face to the Royals? Well, is it a coincidence that Grienke’s rookie promise blew up in 2005 (17 L, 5.80 ERA) and he had a nervous breakdown in 2006?

Still 32 years old with more Razzterful seasons left in his arm, Lima never got a chance for the three-peat (® Pat Riley). A 17 IP cup of coffee in 2006 with the Mets was the last episode of Lima time on MLB.tv.

Jose Lima. Bad pitchers come. Bad pitchers go. But a pitcher like you don’t come knocking every day. Tina and Ike – close this Razzball Spotlight out…

“Jose, can you see?” may serve as the punch line for a lame Star Spangled Banner joke but it was a fitting question in 2003.

Jose Hernandez became a viable fantasy baseball play in 1998 with the Cubs after putting together a 23 HR / 75 RBI campaign. Granted he struck out a lot and hit .254 but those are draftable late round stats for a SS. Over the next four years, Hernandez put together similar seasons for the Cubs, Braves, and Brewers – peaking in 2002 at a 24/73/.288 campaign that was more amazing b/c he managed to do this while striking out 188 times (a record at the time). The secret – a ridiculous .448 BABIP. So the elements were in place for a Razztastic 2003.

But things didn’t look promising (from a Razzball perspective) when he signed with the Rockies. Hell, 30 HR didn’t seem out of the realm of possibility. But the thin air of Colorado couldn’t stop the gravitational pull of a little thing we call regression to the mean. By June 20th, Hernandez already had 95Ks with only 8/23/.237 to show for it. Right when Colorado might’ve seen the light and benched him, destiny called upon the one coach that could delude himself into spinning these stats as good old-fashioned aggressiveness at the plate. Yup, Dusty Baker!

The Cubs traded Mark Bellhorn for him and, once back in the Chitown pinstripes, decided SS-eligibility was too limiting for such a momentous Razzball season. So they got him into 17 games as an outfielder. The position change didn’t upset Jose’s rhythm though. In 69 AB, he managed a mere 2/9/.188 with 26Ks.

Now with SS/OF eligibility, Hernandez’s Razzball value was rising in parallel with his K totals. But it would take someone with even more clouded vision than Dusty Baker (and Jose Hernandez for that matter) to make it a season worthy of the Razzball Historical Spotlight. Enter into the equation: Dave Littlefield, GM of the Pirates. After downing a twelver of Iron City Beer, Littlefield agreed to give up a 25 year old Aramis Ramirez (1 1/2 years removed from a 34/112/.302 season) and a relatively spry Kenny Lofton for Jose Hernandez, Bobby Hill, and a sack of nickels.

Suddenly with a hole at 3B, the Pirates decided to add 3B eligibility to Jose’s credentials – ushering in a renaissance of subpar Joses at 3B in Pittsburgh (see Batista, Castillo). In 193 AB, Jose Hernandez managed 3/21/.223 while adding in another 56 Ks.

The final seasons stats were: 519 AB, 58R, 13HR, 57 RBI, 177Ks, .225 with SS, 3B, and OF eligibility.

While others had gotten more K’s in a season (including Jose Hernandez), no one else had managed to do it with less than 24 HRs (let alone 13!). The only other player to do it since….none other than the man he was exchanged for in 2003 – Mark Bellhorn – who managed 17 HRs in 2004 while fanning 177 times.

Jose Hernandez never got another shot to duplicate these stats. He had three more years in the league where he was a utility man across four teams.

Jose Hernandez – we miss you as much as you used to miss the ball.

The passing of another Easter seems like a fitting time to resurrect the memory of Ivan DeJesus and his magical Razzball campaign of 1981.

He posted what Wikipedia describes as a ‘Triple Crown loser’ season, finishing last (among batting qualifiers) in all three categories with a .194 AVG, 0 HR, 13 RBI. He added 8 doubles and 4 triples to his 0 HR in 403 AB to finish with an netherworldly slugging percentage of .233.

If you think the 403 AB total was an indication of benching or at least platooning, think again. This was a strike-shortened season. Ivan played in all 106 games. Better yet, he hit leadoff in 59 of them! While Cubs skipper Joey Amalfitano never got another chance to manage a team, his courage in the face of logic and statistics netted him a 13 year gig as Tommy Lasorda’s third base coach. One can only imagine the fun that Tommy and Joey must’ve had eating room-service pasta off hookers’ asses.

Amalfitano also undoubtedly influenced the likes of Dusty Baker and Tony LaRussa, inspiring their man-love for light-hitting middle infielders not named Ozzie Smith.

Ivan DeJesus never was able to repeat the lows he accomplished in this magical season, putting in 3 more merely mediocre offensive seasons before moving onto bench and then coaching/minor league roles.

The infamy of Ivan DeJesus’s 1981 campaign is only overshadowed by his last name – which was a savior to white suburban lads unfamiliar with the dulcet tone of the soft ‘J’ – and his being a martyr to long-suffering Cub fans by accepting a trade to the Phillies shortly after this magical season that netted an aging (but raging) Larry Bowa and a then unknown Ryan Sandberg.

Ivan DeJesus – a Razzball God among men.