There are plenty of lemons in baseball*.  Fantasy Razzball is the sugar that helps make them as satisfying as a cool, refreshing drink.

* There were three players whose last name was lemon – pitcher Bob Lemon and OFs Jim and Chet Lemon – but all three were good to very good players.   As was Hank Sauer.  Harry ‘Stinky’ Davis did stink though.

This post ushers in the 4th annual installment of Fantasy Razzball  - the game where the goal is to manage the  worst fantasy baseball team possible.  We have gone from one ‘blogger’ league in 2008 to 16 leagues in 2010.  At this rate of 16x growth every 2 years, we will have over a million leagues by 2016.   So it’s best to get in now while the competition isn’t as heavy.

League Rules

• 10 Team Leagues, MLB universe, uses Yahoo! position eligibility
• Weekly Roster Changes (leaves you time to lavish on your Daily Leagues)
• C / 1B / 2B / SS / 3B / CI / MI / 5 OF / 9 P / 5 bench
• 1,250 innings cap.  No minimum IP.  No AB mins/maxes
• We’ll be commissioner of all leagues and will designate one person per league to help arrange a draft date that works for everyone.
• Leagues will be filled on a first come, first serve basis.  If you want to play in the same league with a couple friends, no problem.  Just submit the e-mail addresses at the same time.
• Each league will have four ‘dummy’ teams that merely serve to draft the top players.  This helps minimize the damage for anyone who misses the draft and forgot to update their draft list.
• 1 team per person.
• Collusion between teams is grounds for disqualification from winning the grand prize.
• Blogs/sports sites may have multiple participants but one team per writer.  These blogs will be noted in the standings and during periodic standings posts.  It is expected – but not required – for some quid pro quo mention of Razzball on your site.

• Hitter Stats
  • AB = +2
  • H = -3
  • R = -4
  • HR = -6
  • RBI =  -4
  • K = +2

• Pitcher Stats
  • IP =  -1
  • HR = +4
  • L = +8
  • K = -1
  • ER = +1.5
  • H+BB = +1

The point structure makes it so that about 2/3 of the league’s hitters as well as just about every pitcher has positive value.  So leaving a roster spot open or filled by a guy who plays once a week will hurt your team.

Grand Prize

An autographed baseball by Fantasy Razzball All-Star Neifi Perez, Grey Albright, and myself (Rudy Gamble).

How To Sign Up

Click here for our signup page.  Note any requested leaguemates in the 3rd column.

If you are a sports blogger, fill out this form to be part of our Fantasy Razzball blogger leagues.

Stars are made in California.  There are thousands of stories….Harrison Ford getting his big break in American Graffiti after George Lucas had initially hired him for a carpentry job…Robert ‘Kid Stays in the Picture’ Evans was discovered bathing at the Beverly Hills Hotel….Two A’s outfielders funding ex-batboy Stanley Burrell to realize his rap dreams under his nom de rhyme MC Hammer…Traci Lords was discovered selling Girl Scout Cookies in San Fernando Valley, etc.

It was this California star-making machine that saw a .210-hitting non-3B prospect in Matt Keough and saw the potential for a star-making role at starting pitcher, a role worthy of a Razzball Spotlight.

1977-1978 – The Prologue

Keough was converted to pitcher in 1977 at the age of 21.  After a satisfactory year at AA (9-12 3.81 ERA /1.31 WHIP) and 6 starts during a September callup, Keough made the 1978 A’s major league pitching staff.  This is surprising until you scan the 1978 A’s roster which had been completely gutted by Charlie Finley of the talent that led to a 1972-1974 ‘three-peat’ that has only been matched since by the Yankees 1998-2000 run and Tom Emanski’s early ’90s back-to-back-to-back AAU championships.

Keough’s 1978 season was a relative success at initial glance.  He went 8-15 but with a 3.24 ERA/1.33 WHIP and an ERA+ of 110 (meaning his ERA was 10% better than the average pitcher adjusted to the ballpark in which he pitched).  He was even the A’s representative for the All-Star game where he managed a scoreless 1/3 of an inning.  But the season was really a tale of two halves as he went 6-4/2.16/1.17 in the 1st half and 2-11/4.44/1.51 in the second half.  The stage was set for a Razztastic 1979…

1979 – The Initial Setback

During the 1979 offseason, there may have been doubts among Oakland coaches whether Keough’s first half was a flash in the pan or his second half was just the result of a talented young pitcher having a tired arm.

Keough put those doubts to rest over his first 25 starts where he managed a win total of…..zero.  On the bright side, he managed 11 no-decisions so his record was merely 0-14.  This tied the MLB record of losses to start a season with (Sloppy?) Joe Harris of the 1906 Red Sox whose 9.1% career winning percentage (3-30) is not only the worst post-1900 for 30+ decisions but it’s twice as bad as that of runner-up Hal Griggs (18.8%).  This poor start left Keough 2-25 since the 1978 All-Star break and with 18 straight losses – only 5 away from the then record.

Editors of the San Francisco Chronicle and Oakland Tribune readied their newspapers for history with drafted headlines such as “Enough is Keough”, “KO for Keough”, and “Is The O-Fer Oakland?”.  But then Keough found his first wind on September 5th with a complete game victory against the Brewers.  He also threw a shutout against the defending AL West champ Royals intermixed between three more losses.  The final results:

• A 2-17 record with a .105 winning percentage that was the worst since 1916 (only to be bested 6 years later by Jose DeLeon’s 2-19).
• A 5.04 ERA that finished 4th in MLB (with an ERA+ of 81 that was the 6th worst in the league bested, ironically enough, by ex-Athletic ace Vida Blue).
• His 1.687 WHIP was worst in the MLB.

1980-1981 – The Redemption

Despite the poor 1979 season, Keough still had a spot on the starting staff of a resurgent 1980 A’s team that went from last to 2nd place under Billy Martin.  Youngster Rickey Henderson stole 100 SBs with an insane .420 OBP,  Tony Armas hit 35 HRs, and the A’s relief pitchers took the season off as the A’s starting staff threw 94 complete games (?!?!) with four of those starts going 14 innings (see here for the box score of Keough’s 14 IP triumph over the Blue Jays, outlasting Dave Steib who wussed out after 12 innings).  The next two AL teams in CGs – Milwuakee and Baltimore – managed only 90 between them.   Keough went the distance in 20 of his 32 starts finishing 3rd in CGs to teammates Rick Langford (28) and Cy Young runner-up Mike Norris (24).

Keough’s 1980 and 1981 pitching lines of 16-13/2.92/1.248 in 250 IP and 10-6/3.40/1.211 in 140 IP (in a strike-shortened season) were both strong campaigns – clearly benefiting from experience and the respect given to those who can pull off a Selleckian moustache.  Entering 1982 at the young age of 26, Keough was making his 1978-1979 challenges look like a fluke…

1982 – The Penultimate Setback

Billy Martin’s magic fizzled out in 1982 as the team fell back to 68-94.  While Rickey Henderson thrived (setting the record with 130 SBs), the young Oakland pitchers fell back to earth like a chopped oak to land.  The top 3 starters (Langford, Norris, Keough) had all achieved an ERA+ over 116 in 1980.  By 1982, none of the three even reached 100 (league-average).  And none of them fell harder than Keough…

Keough’s 11-18 record belied how bad of a season he had.  How bad (all of the below for 162+ IP pitchers)?

• The 18 losses tied for the MLB high.
• His 5.72 ERA was the worst in baseball and the 10th worst between 1944-1996.
• His 68 ERA+ was the worst in baseball and the 10th worst in baseball since 1944.
• His K/BB ratio of 0.74 (75 K, 101 BB) is the 5th worst since 1962*
• His 38 HRs were worst in the majors and made the top 25 list prior to 1998.
• And, last but least, his WAR (Wins Above Replacement) of -2.5 is the worst WAR for a pitcher since 1952.  (His 1979 WAR was amazingly +1.0 so I guess a replacement pitcher would’ve gone 1-18?)

*Interesting sidenote:  The list of pitchers with more walks than strikeouts in a season since 1970 include Tommy John, Phil Niekro, Mike Torrez (4 times!), Joaquin Andujar (twice) and Fernando Valenzuela.

1983-1986 – The Denouement

Keough managed just 10 more wins over the next 4 injury-plagued seasons before retiring (sadly this is one more than fellow Billy-abused starters Rick Langford and Mike Norris managed COMBINED for the rest of their careers).  Keough couldn’t even escape Billy Martin as he was sadistically traded in 1983 to the Martin-led Yankees just in case his arm needed more abuse.

1987 – 2004 – The Triumph

Keough’s star turn in California baseball did serve him well in that he was able to snag a Playboy Playmate / one of the three ZZ Top girls (Jeana Tomasino) with which he had three children – including one (Shane Keough) that is was an OF in the A’s minor league system (the A’s released him in July 2010).  He also has worked for the Angels, Rays, and A’s in various roles such as coaching, scouting, and front office.  While not a star, it appeared Keough would at least have one of those desirable supporting roles like being on the second detective team of a procedural (thanks for chasing down that lead, Ice-T and Richard Belzer!)

2005-2010 – The Ultimate Setback

Unfortunately, stars rarely just fade.  Sometimes they implode.  Sometimes they explode.  Or sometimes they get arrested for a DUI after rear-ending a car at a stop sign and wandering from the scene until apprehended (in 2005), get found drinking at a bar which violated his probation and sentenced for 180 days (2007), and get arrested once again for a DUI where he registered 3 times the legal limit after hitting a stop sign (2009).

And, because it’s California, this turmoil was featured in the initial series of the nadir of TV franchises – the Real Housewives of the OC – where his now zaftig wife was able to broadcast that the two had separated.  (Hey Scott Podsednik – hope you’re taking notes).

Matt Keough – Congratulations on a fabulous journey and your star will always shine in the Razzball galaxy.

Early congrats to Minor League Miner, the unidentified owner of the Flailin’ Mendozas (is that you, Mil Mascaras?), and Troy Patterson of RotoSavants.com and FireBrandAL.com

Good luck to all those in the running for the free DreamMaker Spa!

We consider it a byproduct of all the player rooting and hyping that comes with the production of a fantasy baseball blog.  And much like the molasses that’s a byproduct of sugar production, this joy may be darker than the main product but it tastes just as sweet.

So with that acknowledgement, we sadistically ring in the 3rd annual installment of Fantasy Razzball – the game where the goal is to manage the  worst fantasy baseball team possible.  In 2008, we started with one 10-team league of bloggers.  In 2009, we grew to 90 teams composed of bloggers and commenters.  In 2010, we’re planning to grow even more.

One big change from last year is the grand prize.  Last year, we reached into our shallow pockets to give out $50 of Taco Bell coupons.  This year we found a corporate sponsor in DreamMaker Spas who, in partnership with SpaDepot.com, will be awarding the winner of this year’s challenge a free Dreammaker Fantasy Spa which retails at $3,199.  Think about it guys – winning our challenge can be the first time in your life where fantasy baseball helped you get laid!  (See bottom of the page for contest details.  Please feel free to read them in a sped-up announcer voice like they do in radio commercials).

We have a few changes in the game rules that we think we’ll make for an improvement:

1) We’re going to cap Innings Pitched at Yahoo!’s default level of 1,250 IP to avoid the rampant streaming of 2-start pitchers.  This will get crappy relievers some roster space too.

2) We’re creating two bogus teams per league that will be assigned the top 54 players (36 hitters, 18 pitchers) based on regular fantasy baseball rules.  The reason?  Well, it’s inevitable that 1-2 players might no-show the live draft.  If they didn’t adjust their pre-draft rankings, you end up with teams drafting Albert Pujols and Hanley Ramirez in the first round.  This gives the other teams an advantage in snapping up the crappy players.  By taking 54 of these candidates out of the running, this should minimize the impact of this happening.

3) We’re decreasing the penalty of HRs from -10 to -6.

League Rules

• 10 Team Leagues, MLB universe, uses Yahoo! position eligibility
• Weekly Roster Changes (leaves you time to lavish on your Daily Leagues)
• C / 1B / 2B / SS / 3B / CI / MI / 5 OF / 9 P
• 1,250 innings cap.  No minimum IP.  No AB mins/maxes
• We’ll be commissioner of all leagues and will designate one person per league to help arrange a draft date that works for everyone.
• Leagues will be filled on a first come, first serve basis.  If you want to play in the same league with a couple friends, no problem.  Just submit the e-mail addresses at the same time.  It’s a cap of 4 though to avoid any major collusion.  (Note that we also adjust points based on League competitiveness)
• 1 team per person.
• Blogs/sports sites may have multiple participants but one team per writer.  These blogs will be noted in the standings and during periodic standings posts.  It is expected – but not required – for some quid pro quo mention of Razzball on your site.  We appreciate it if you mention our generous corporate sponsors (DreamMaker Spa & SpaDepot.com) as well.

• Hitter Stats
  • AB = +2
  • H = -3
  • R = -4
  • HR = -6
  • RBI =  -4
  • K = +2

• Pitcher Stats
  • IP =  -1
  • HR = +4
  • L = +8
  • K = -1
  • ER = +1.5
  • H+BB = +1

The point structure makes it so that about 2/3 of the league’s hitters as well as just about every pitcher has positive value.  So leaving a roster spot open or filled by a guy who plays once a week will hurt your team.

Contest Rules
You need to be 18+ and live in the Continental US to have the spa shipped to your address.  If you are 18+ and live outside the Continental US, you can ‘gift’ it.  Full-time bloggers on Razzball are ineligible (even for gifting).  In the case that a Razzball blogger wins, the prize will be awarded to the next highest ranked non-Razzball affiliated participant.  Shipping is included.  Installation will need to be paid for by the winner.

Any sign of collusion among league owners for the intent of giving a team an unfair advantage – including highly dubious trades – will disqualify the winner and the spa will be awarded to the next highest ranked non-Razzball affiliated participant.  Running 2+ teams are also grounds for disqualification.

How To Sign Up

Please e-mail me at rudy@razzball.com with the e-mail title of “Join Fantasy Razzball 2010″.  Within the e-mail body, note either your site in the e-mail or your Razzball commenter handle.  Otherwise, we’ll just use the name attached to your e-mail.

There is one immutable law within baseball.  When on offense, don’t make outs*.  For a short time in the 80′s, no one broke this law with as much abandon and aplomb as Omar Moreno.

* Yes, you can argue the sacrifice bunt, sacrifice fly, and the ground ball to the right side when a man is on 2nd with no outs are ‘productive’ outs.  That doesn’t mean we want to hear it.

Omar Moreno never pretended to be on the right side of the law – his affiliation with Pirates, his love for the stolen base, a name that sounds like an amalgam of badass Omar Little from ‘The Wire’ and Tony ‘Scarface’ Montana.  After being signed as a free agent in 1969 at the age of Latin 16, he toiled for over 7 years in the minors before earning his skull and crossbones with the 1977-1978 Pirates.  Besides narrowly missing the playoffs for two straight years because of their cross-state rival’s unstoppable troika of Mike Schmidt/Fat Shit (Luzinski)/Bat Shit (Carlton), the Pirates also had a startling number of:

• Future Yankees (7 – Moreno, Dale Berra, John Candelaria, Mike Easler, Goose Gossage, Al Holland, Ed Whitson)
• Future managers (4 – Phil Garner, Ken Macha, Cito Gaston, Jim Fregosi)
• Future players charged by MLB with doing cocaine (3 – Dale Berra, Dave Parker, Al Holland)

In 1979, Moreno ascended to the leadoff spot as previous leadoff hitter Frank Taveras was jettisoned to the Mets.  Moreno had his best year yet leading the league in ABs (695), SBs (77), and even getting some MVP votes (finished 15th) as the ‘We Are Family’ Pirates won the World Series.  Beneath all this success, however, was a hunger to make Outs.  His 535 outs (395 ground out/flyouts, 104 Ks, 21 CS, 7 GIDP,  6 Sac Hits, 2 Sac Flies) were the 4th highest in MLB history.  Any satisfaction that Moreno could take in this accomplishment was lost when the same very Frank Taveras whom he supplanted at the top of the Pirates batting order set the new standard with 545 outs.

Armed with this motivation and the goodwill that comes from helping a team win the World Series, Moreno shattered the single-season Outs record with 560 outs in 1980 despite 12 less plate appearances from the previous year.  Playing in all 162 games for the 2nd year in a row, his luck turned when his BABIP (batting average on balls in play) dropped from .322 to .290 and knocked his AVG (.249) and OBP (.306) to Razztastically low levels.  While he dazzled the league with 96 SBs, they were only a cover to pad his Outs total with 33 caught stealings.  No one – including Frank Taveras – could compete with the Out-making machine that was Omar Moreno.

After a strike-shortened 1981 where Moreno only finished 3rd in the league in Outs behind Ozzie Smith and past Historical Spotlight nominee Ivan DeJesus, Moreno arose like a malevolent Phoenix in 1982.  He equalled his 1979 total of 535 outs in 51 less plate appearances by getting back to fundamentals.  He increased his K rate, cut down on those pesky BBs, and decreased his SB percentage.  His adjusted OPS (i.e., OPS+) of 68 was a career low.

Realizing he had nothing left to prove in Pittsburgh, Moreno signed a free-agent deal with Houston who traded him in August to the ex-Pirate loving Yankees (note: besides the seven 1977-1978 Pirates mentioned earlier who went on to play for the Yankees, another five played with Moreno from 1979-1982:  Tim Foli, Cecilio Guante, Pascual Perez, Rick Rhoden, Rod Scurry).  Despite never clearing a .300 OBP for the Yanks from 1983-1985, the Yankees never gave Moreno the inordinate playing time he had with the Pirates as his one dazzling skill (stolen bases) flickered away.  A last hurrah with the 1986 Braves (.276 OBP over 386 plate appearances) hinted at another run at the single season Outs leaderboard but it wasn’t meant to be.  He retired from MLB at the young age of (Latin) 33 but stayed involved with baseball – playing in the short-lived Senior Professional Baseball Association, coaching in the Panamanian winter leagues and teaching his son (Omar Moreno Jr.) the gift of Out-making.

Omar Moreno – we’ve never seen another player make outs as often as you did.  If liking you is against the law, consider us outlaws.

** Omar Moreno’s 560 outs are still the single season record as of January 2010.   His two seasons of 535 outs are tied for 7th most in a season. **

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Beyond the Box Score

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Random thoughts about various rounds of the draft:

ROUND 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  Okay, he’s on the Nats.  Should I go on?  His K rate has been going up.  More?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  All right, one more thing.  He’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

ROUND 2 – It was between Chone Fuggums and Lousy Castillo.  Had to go with the more shallow position of 3rd base.  Fuggums will probably get 500 ABs, and, I don’t know, 4 HRs.  Not a bad guy for the Not Corner.

ROUND 3 – And Lousy Castillo makes it back to me.  Projected for 487 ABs and… Wait for it… Here it comes… Hold on, I have an itch… All right, here it is… Zero home runs!  WTF?  How is that even possible?

ROUND 4 – Okay, I’ve waited on crappy outfielders long enough.  Skip Suckmaker, you’re mine!  Thank you, LaRussa.

ROUND 5 – I’m actually worried about my Runs at this point.  No, I didn’t just drink some Mexican water.  So to clog up my tailpipe, I select Erick Aybar.  He’s projected for less than 50 Runs and over 400 ABs.  Later I will add his Brother in Razzball Charms.

ROUND 6 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Schneider.

ROUND 7 – And because no one knows when anyone is drafting a player, you (or at least I) want to fill up your (my) Utility spot with another catcher that I know will rack up the ABs and little else — Yadier Molina.

ROUND 8 – Super futility man, Willie Aybar.

ROUND 9 – Finally, I take a pitcher.  Not just any pitcher, but a pitcher worthy of a Razzball Spotlight, Gorilla Ponson.

ROUND 10 – B. Giles because anyone who’s ever played any level of baseball can put up his stats.

ROUND 11 – Travis Ishikawa.  Everyone loses a job on your fantasy Razzball team, so backups are very helpful and Giants hitters are even more so.  Worst case scenario, Ishikawa and Belliard will make a nice blahtoon.

ROUND 12 – Vicente Padilla, probably my riskiest pick so far.  He can’t make it out of May with a job, can he?

ROUND 13 – Endy Chavez.  Nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

ROUND  14 – DeWayne Wise. Ozzie’s crazy enough to give him 500 ABs, but he’s not crazy enough to lead him off, is he?

ROUND 15 – Having played this league last year, I knew anyone I took on the pitching side would lose their job sooner than later if I was playing right.  With his 150th pick, Grey selects Danys Baez, a leading candidate for an Orioles rotation spot.  You heard me right, non-Orioles fans.  Baez might be an Orioles starter this year.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

ROUND 16 – Mark Buerhle.  Tried to balance all of the starters I was going to lose with a guy who can give me 200 lame innings.  There’s a chance I bench him until he gets cold.

ROUND 17 – Matt Harrison.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

ROUND 18 – Jamie Moyer.  Another innings eater-slash-guy you can’t believe is still a major league starter.

ROUND 19/20 – Chris Dickerson and Gerald Laird.   Dickerson’s a K machine, but he’s the only guy on my entire team with any downside.  I’ll be honest.  I might be patroling the waiver wire for a Dickerson replacement.  As for Laird, it’s really hard to resist taking an extra catcher.  They’re all so good!

ROUND 23/24 – Jesse Litsch and Mike Pelfrey.  Some of you may be sad to see these guys here because you have them on your regular fantasy teams.  Let’s just say, I’m hoping these guys stay healthy because they could be in for an awfully wonderful year.

ROUND 25/26/27 – Kevin Frandsen and Cristian Guzman and Gabe Gross.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.  Razztastic!

What I do know is that we’re going to be running our second annual Fantasy Razzball league in 2009.  What is Fantasy Razzball you ask?  Fantasy Razzball is a fantasy baseball variation where you aim to manage the worst team possible. Last year’s inaugural season proved to be a lot of fun with yours truly (Rudy Gamble) besting blogmate Grey Albright and a hard-charging entrant from the then-Fantasy Baseball Generals (now Fantasy Pros 911).

This year’s going to be bigger and better.  We’re going to put together as many blogger and Razzball Commenter leagues as demand warrants (Note:  Razzball commenters interested in joining regular leagues, sign up here).  It will be 10 teams per league.  We’re going to then crown an overall winner by applying a factor to team points based on league strength.  Grand Prize……$50 in Taco Bell gift certificates!  The only gift that gives up more runs than Livan Hernandez’s fastball!  Besides competing for this lofty prize, you’ll also be getting a lot of free PR for your blogs and/or having a lot of free fun.

(If at a loss on what to name your team, you can try our Fantasy Team Name Generator.)

We’ve tweaked our league rules from last year – moving from a standings league (top = 10, bottom = 1) to a points league.  This format gives us more flexibility to incent teams to use starting hitters without requiring a whole bunch of manual work to determine the real standings.

Here are the rules:

- 10 Team Leagues, MLB universe, 20+ games previous season for position eligibility (10 games in-season)

- Weekly Roster Changes (leaves you time to lavish on your Daily Leagues)

- C / 1B / 2B / SS / 3B / CI / MI / 5 OF / 9 P

- No innings or AB mins/maxes

- Hitter Stats

• AB = +2
• H = -3
• R = -4
• HR = -10
• RBI =  -4
• K = +2

- Pitcher Stats

• IP =  -1
• HR = +4
• L = +8
• K = -1
• ER = +1.5
• H+BB = +1

The point structure makes it so that about 2/3 of the league’s hitters as well as just about every pitcher has positive value.  So leaving a roster spot open or filled by a guy who plays once a week will hurt.  Click here if you want to see how last season’s standings would look with this point structure as well as the points for all the hitters and pitchers.  Here were the ‘top’ 10 in each:

Hitters:

E-mail rudy@razzball.com or comment on this post if you’re interested in joining.  I’ll be updating the participant list at http://razzball.com/fantasy-razzball-league-master-standings.  Draft dates and service provider TBD (leaning towards ESPN but can be convinced if another service can accommodate and will host for free).

True love is rare.  True love means not just accepting the good and the bad – it means never even thinking to judge.  True love is a warm embrace – like a passionate wet kiss you don’t want to end, a steamy mug of cocoa that you don’t want to stop drinking, a fever that you never want to leave your system….

True love is what Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane Jr. feels for our Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee Brad Ausmus.

Brad Ausmus (an Americanized version of the popular German surname Ahsmünch) is a hard man not to love – especially if you were a Jewish mother with a single daughter.  A good Jewish boy out of Connecticut, graduated from Dartmouth, a successful professional…(you could do worse…)

He began his career in the Yankee farm system and was plucked from their roster in the 1992 expansion draft (along with Charlie Hayes and Carl Everett) for the Rockies and Marlins.  After a couple of years on the Padres and Tigers, he was part of part of possibly the most Razztastic trade ever -  an 8 person trade b/w the Tigers and Astros that included Ausmus and 2 other Razzball Spotlight members (Jose Lima, Brian L Hunter).  It was as if Detroit traded GM and Chrysler to Houston for Enron.

Ausmus’ initial 2 year stint (1997-1998) in Houston resulted in okay hitting and two first round playoff losses.  When Ausmus wasn’t hitting for the collar, he and his open collar hit on Houston girls.

In what McLane would later say was “The biggest mistake of my life”, the Astros found the trade receipt and returned Ausmus to Detroit.  Ausmus made the All-Star game in 1999 with Detroit – the benefits of playing for a crappy team and rules requiring each team has at least one representative.  The Astros managed to make the playoffs in 1999 only to lose again in the 1st round.

In 2001, McLane listened to his heart and re-traded for Ausmus.  The trade came just in time as Ausmus was set to embark on a Razztastic eight season hitting stretch during which he plumbed levels that had never been plumbed before.  Now if you’re the type that thinks Ausmus is the Bossmus (i know at least one), you’re probably thinking, “Was Ausmus really any worse a hitter than all those light-hitting catchers I grew up with?”  Well, let’s look at the stats…

The best way to compare vs. previous eras is to use the OPS+ metric which adds OBP and SLG then factors in league and park averages.  Ausmus’s 2001 (57), 2003 (55), 2004 (63) and 2006 (54) mark the 3rd, 4th, 15th, and 7th lowest OPS+ seasons by any catcher with 448+ plate appearances since 1930.  No other catcher even managed two seasons in their career that were as bad as this crappershop quartet Ausmus produced in a six year period.  In 2002, he became the 2nd player in the last 100+ years to hit into at least 30 double plays and not hit 30 extra base hits.  He managed the GIDP>XBH feat again in 2006 with 21 GIDP to 19 XBH.

When asked to pack Ausmus’ ‘tools of ignorance’, the equipment guys would pack his bats instead of his catching equipment.  His hitting was so cartoonish that opposing pitchers would call the Astro hitter “Rad Rausmus”.  Tony LaRussa laid awake at night wondering if he coached Ausmus whether he’d hit him 9th and let the pitcher hit 8th or would he keep Ausmus 8th and have him bunt and let the pitchers swing away.  But all the while, the Astros kept penciling his name in the lineup card – praising him for everything from his defense to his handling of his pitchers to the pristine condition of his game-used bats.

Starting in 2007, the Astros realized that they couldn’t count on Ausmus (then 38) to forfeit the 8th spot in the lineup forever.  Ausmus took Eric Munson under his wing in 2007 but Munson’s 74 OPS+ proved too competent and he was promptly waived at the end of the year.  Ausmus graciously took a backup role to J.R. Towles in 2008 and watched as Towles exploded onto the Razzball scene with an otherworldly .137 AVG and 34 OPS+ in 146 ABs.

While Ausmus maintained his torpid streak of hitting in 2007-2008 despite additional rest and more favorable matchups, he could see the writing on the wall.  He realized the only way he could repay the love that McLane and the Astros showed him was to heed Sting’s advice and set them free.  Carlos Lee even offered to pay his salary but Ausmus refused, stating “It’s certainly flattering but I had an unprecedented 8 year run here.  My job is done.  Plus, as Carlos’s accountant, I had to advise against it.”

Ausmus is currently trying to sign on with a Southern California team.  One would think his bat would fit in just perfectly with San Diego.  Until then, he’ll be hitting the waves – hopefully more successfully then his hitting of baseballs.

Brad Ausmus – Jewish Sports Hall of Fame honoree and now Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee.  You’ve made us so proud, bubelah!

Update:  Funny tribute video by the Astros for Ausmus.  Nice to see they have a sense of humor about this stuff.

The 1998 HR race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa has received credit for many things:

1. Getting America excited about baseball again after the long shadow of the 1994 strike.
2. Showing that man hugs are in no way gay.
3. Allowing sports journalists to master the art of triflection – genuflection at the time of McGwire and Sosa’s feats, reflection after the painfully obvious fact that they were ‘roided up became inarguable, and deflection of any responsibility for their uncritical hype in the matter.
4. Popularizing andro, backne, and the chest tap.
5. Inspiring Barry Bonds to conduct an experiment to see if multiplying the negative of his natural dickishness with the negative of artificial ‘roid rage would turn out positive (answer: in short term, yes. long term, no)

But the McGwire-Sosa race also succeeded in inspiring the envy of the American League. Despite a 2nd World Series win in 3 years by the Yankees, the National League dominated the headlines thanks to McGwire and Sosa. And, adding insult to injury, both were ex-ALers that had been fleeced in trades with a pre-Beane Oakland and a harbingerific Dubya-owned Texas. How can you top a race to break the cherished single-season HR record? The same way you topple any top-heavy competitor – you aim low.

And no one aimed lower in 1999 than Brian L. Hunter of the Tigers/Mariners and Darren Lewis of the Red Sox as they competed in….

First a little background on our participants:

Brian L. Hunter was a speedy outfielder who raced through the Astros system, making the big leagues in 1994. He wasn’t fast enough to claim a middle initial-less name, though, as a Brian (R.) Hunter made the majors in 1991 for Atlanta. You know what the L stood for? Lee. What, you thought I was gonna say Loser? That’s just mean. But if ever there was a sign that BLH had potential for Razzball Spotlightdom, it was his trade to the lowly Tigers in 1996 that included past honoree Jose Lima.

Darren Lewis was a somewhat speedy, no-hit CF who became a full-time starter with the Giants in 1993 and was best known for his glove and nearly being traded to the Yankees in 1995 for a struggling Bernie Williams (Gene Michael ignored Steinbrenner’s impulsiveness). By the time the 1999 rolled around, he had been traded by the Giants and bounced around 3 other teams.

So you may ask “How do you determine offensive ineptitude?” (I gave you credit for a big vocab word.) We’re going to use Adjusted OPS (OPS+) which is a player’s OBP + SLG adjusted for the park and the league in which the player played. Dorky but effective.

To add some perspective, we’re going to use two poor-hitting outfielders as reference points

1. Gary Pettis – a speedy 1980′s defensive outfielder that played primarily with the Angels. He managed a .236 BA and an 80 OPS+ over his 11 year career, hitting about 3 HRs per 500 ABs. (Rumor has it that Gary Pettis, Rod Carew, and Angels 78-year old owner Gene Autry once held a home run hitting contest on a Monday night. It was ruled a zero-zero-zero tie four nights later as Carew had to go home for Shabbat dinner.)
2. Pete Gray – a light-hitting outfielder who played in the WWII era and had a 48 OPS+ in 234 career ABs. It’s worth noting, though, that he only had one arm (see adjacent photo). Gray had good speed and was a surprisingly deft bunter but he suffered from an inability to hit curve balls (aka Serrano Syndrome) and difficulty hitting HRs due to the topspin generated by his tennis forehand-like swing. (He finished with the second highest average amongst one arm players, ahead of Jim Abbott but well behind Johnny Damon.)

Let’s take this race month-by-month. Since neither Hunter and Lewis are great photo subjects, we’ve replaced them with the Crocodile Hunter and Jerry Lewis in the below line graph.

April – Both players fell within the Razztastic Pettis/Gray hitting range with Lewis slightly in the lead (with the lesser OPS+). Towards the end of the month, Hunter gets traded to the Mariners where he’s placed at the head of the lineup followed by A-Rod, Griffey, and eDHgar Martinez. Fans christens it the ‘Butter Face’ lineup. Lewis hits #2 for the first 10 games but for the rest of the month he, like ham on a pig, occupies the back third.

May – Like Dave Winfield, Hunter and Lewis had their best months in May – both topping Pettis’ career average. Highlights included a .312 average for the month by Lewis (Hey Lay-dee!) and a massive 1 HR / 10 RBI power display by Hunter (Crikey!)

June – Hunter finishes below Lewis for the 2nd month in a row as they both nestle within the safety of the Pettis/Gray zone.

July – As the temperature started to rise, Hunter and Lewis’s OPS+ started to plummet. Hunter’s 2 HR month catapulted him ahead of Lewis despite an OBP of .271 (guess it’s hard to work a walk when A-Rod and Griffey are behind you). Neither invited to the All-Star game.

August – Lewis has a slight rebound while there is no Rhyme for the Ain’t Shit Mariner. Aided by Pinella’s decision to wedge David Bell b/w Hunter and A-Rod in the lineup, Hunter receives a few less meatball pitches and manages a .171 AVG and an astonishing .190 SLG. Note that going 1-for-5 with a single nets a .200 SLG. Hunter couldn’t manage that pace for 105 August ABs.

September/October – With the season on the line, Lewis turned it off big time in September/October with a .160 AVG over 81 AB. A lone double boosted his SLG to .173. All while in a pennant race with the Yanks during which Jimy Williams inexplicably batted him second 16 times. Hunter didn’t flinch – he managed to lower his monthly average to .170 although his SLG crept over the .200 mark. But that was enough to win the battle….

The final stats…
Hunter – 539 AB/79 R/4 HR/34 RBI/.232 AVG/.280 OBP/.301 SLG/.581 OPS/ 48 OPS+
Lewis – 470 AB/63 R/2 HR/40 RBI/.240 AVG/.311 OBP/.309 SLG/.620 OPS/ 57 OPS +

As if these stats aren’t Razztastic enough, 1999 was a huge offensive year. The AL SLG and OPS averages were the 2nd highest in the 20th century (first was 1996). Combine awful stats with strong league hitting and you’ve got an offensive performance by Brian L. Hunter that is the worst by an OF with enough ABs to qualify for the batting title since 1904 (granted not ever but still…). It was bad enough to tie the career OPS+ of the aformentioned mono-armed Pete Gray.

Darren Lewis’ 57 OPS+, while higher than that of the hitting cripple and Pete Gray, tied for the 2nd worst offensive performance by a qualifying OF.

While September/October hinted at lesser things from Hunter & Lewis, they never got more than 250 ABs in a season to plumb further. Hunter played for four more teams in the next 4 years. Lewis hung around the Sawx for two years and then a last year with the Cubs.

While we can never truly know whether Hunter and Lewis records are on the level vs. tainted by performance-enfeebling drugs, we will give them the benefit of the doubt. Because even Razzball can be guilty of triflection now and then.