Fantasy Baseball Advice

Oh, they’re not just bad.  Nah, I outdid even myself this time.  On this drafternoon, I picked a team that is near-perfectly awful.  They simultaneously suck and blow.  On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven.  I did the math!  Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs.  If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job!  If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you.  And shame on this team!  I took part in a fantasy baseball draft this past Saturday to pick the worst fantasy baseball team.  And I think I done did it.  My co-conspirators in this were:

Roto Rob
Tirico Suave
Drunk Jays Fans
Fantasy Baseball Cafe
Fantasy Pros 911
Hire Jim Essian
Sharapova’s Thigh
Fantasy Baseball Geeks
Beyond the Box Score

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Random thoughts about various rounds of the draft:

ROUND 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  Okay, he’s on the Nats.  Should I go on?  His K rate has been going up.  More?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  All right, one more thing.  He’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

ROUND 2 – It was between Chone Fuggums and Lousy Castillo.  Had to go with the more shallow position of 3rd base.  Fuggums will probably get 500 ABs, and, I don’t know, 4 HRs.  Not a bad guy for the Not Corner.

ROUND 3 – And Lousy Castillo makes it back to me.  Projected for 487 ABs and… Wait for it… Here it comes… Hold on, I have an itch… All right, here it is… Zero home runs!  WTF?  How is that even possible?

ROUND 4 – Okay, I’ve waited on crappy outfielders long enough.  Skip Suckmaker, you’re mine!  Thank you, LaRussa.

ROUND 5 – I’m actually worried about my Runs at this point.  No, I didn’t just drink some Mexican water.  So to clog up my tailpipe, I select Erick Aybar.  He’s projected for less than 50 Runs and over 400 ABs.  Later I will add his Brother in Razzball Charms.

ROUND 6 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Schneider.

ROUND 7 – And because no one knows when anyone is drafting a player, you (or at least I) want to fill up your (my) Utility spot with another catcher that I know will rack up the ABs and little else — Yadier Molina.

ROUND 8 – Super futility man, Willie Aybar.

ROUND 9 – Finally, I take a pitcher.  Not just any pitcher, but a pitcher worthy of a Razzball Spotlight, Gorilla Ponson.

ROUND 10 – B. Giles because anyone who’s ever played any level of baseball can put up his stats.

ROUND 11 – Travis Ishikawa.  Everyone loses a job on your fantasy Razzball team, so backups are very helpful and Giants hitters are even more so.  Worst case scenario, Ishikawa and Belliard will make a nice blahtoon.

ROUND 12 – Vicente Padilla, probably my riskiest pick so far.  He can’t make it out of May with a job, can he?

ROUND 13 – Endy Chavez.  Nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

ROUND  14 – DeWayne Wise. Ozzie’s crazy enough to give him 500 ABs, but he’s not crazy enough to lead him off, is he?

ROUND 15 – Having played this league last year, I knew anyone I took on the pitching side would lose their job sooner than later if I was playing right.  With his 150th pick, Grey selects Danys Baez, a leading candidate for an Orioles rotation spot.  You heard me right, non-Orioles fans.  Baez might be an Orioles starter this year.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

ROUND 16 – Mark Buerhle.  Tried to balance all of the starters I was going to lose with a guy who can give me 200 lame innings.  There’s a chance I bench him until he gets cold.

ROUND 17 – Matt Harrison.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

ROUND 18 – Jamie Moyer.  Another innings eater-slash-guy you can’t believe is still a major league starter.

ROUND 19/20 – Chris Dickerson and Gerald Laird.   Dickerson’s a K machine, but he’s the only guy on my entire team with any downside.  I’ll be honest.  I might be patroling the waiver wire for a Dickerson replacement.  As for Laird, it’s really hard to resist taking an extra catcher.  They’re all so good!

ROUND 23/24 – Jesse Litsch and Mike Pelfrey.  Some of you may be sad to see these guys here because you have them on your regular fantasy teams.  Let’s just say, I’m hoping these guys stay healthy because they could be in for an awfully wonderful year.

ROUND 25/26/27 – Kevin Frandsen and Cristian Guzman and Gabe Gross.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.  Razztastic!

Here at Razzball, besides doling out fantasy baseball advice, we also host a contest to field the worst fantasy baseball team.  The worst fantasy baseball league signups are just about at capacity, but if you’re finding us late in the preseason, you might still be able to get in, or not.  I really have no idea.  That’s Rudy’s department.  But I’m in one of these leagues, so I thought I’d share with you my fantasy baseball worst top 20 list.  When I did my worst fantasy baseball rankings, it took far longer than for my other leagues.  You literally have to change every single default ranking (except Howie Kendrick who was about 150 regularly and turned out to be about the same after reranking– there’s always one, I tell ya!).  Just a few words about these schmohawks, catchers are all bad, excluding about 5 guys, so there’s no reason to grab a catcher early.  But, even with that said, I couldn’t lower Kendall past 10th overall.  He’s just too awfully good.  Also, there were no pitchers in my top 75.  Again, there are so many terribly terrific pitchers, it was hard to move Carlos Silva up.  Though, I really wanted to.  Finally, just because someone is in my best worst fantasy baseball top 20, it doesn’t mean I absolutely hate them.  Steals aren’t counted, so Bourn, Taveras, etc. are invaluably bad.  Anyway, here’s my fantasy baseball worst top 20:

We love fantasy baseball here at Razzball. We’re also sick bastards. Coincidence? Not sure.

What I do know is that we’re going to be running our second annual Fantasy Razzball league in 2009.  What is Fantasy Razzball you ask?  Fantasy Razzball is a fantasy baseball variation where you aim to manage the worst team possible. Last year’s inaugural season proved to be a lot of fun with yours truly (Rudy Gamble) besting blogmate Grey Albright and a hard-charging entrant from the then-Fantasy Baseball Generals (now Fantasy Pros 911).

This year’s going to be bigger and better.  We’re going to put together as many blogger and Razzball Commenter leagues as demand warrants (Note:  Razzball commenters interested in joining regular leagues, sign up here).  It will be 10 teams per league.  We’re going to then crown an overall winner by applying a factor to team points based on league strength.  Grand Prize……$50 in Taco Bell gift certificates!  The only gift that gives up more runs than Livan Hernandez’s fastball!  Besides competing for this lofty prize, you’ll also be getting a lot of free PR for your blogs and/or having a lot of free fun.

(If at a loss on what to name your team, you can try our Fantasy Team Name Generator.)

We’ve tweaked our league rules from last year – moving from a standings league (top = 10, bottom = 1) to a points league.  This format gives us more flexibility to incent teams to use starting hitters without requiring a whole bunch of manual work to determine the real standings.

Here are the rules:

- 10 Team Leagues, MLB universe, 20+ games previous season for position eligibility (10 games in-season)

- Weekly Roster Changes (leaves you time to lavish on your Daily Leagues)

- C / 1B / 2B / SS / 3B / CI / MI / 5 OF / 9 P

- No innings or AB mins/maxes

- Hitter Stats

• AB = +2
• H = -3
• R = -4
• HR = -10
• RBI =  -4
• K = +2

- Pitcher Stats

• IP =  -1
• HR = +4
• L = +8
• K = -1
• ER = +1.5
• H+BB = +1

The point structure makes it so that about 2/3 of the league’s hitters as well as just about every pitcher has positive value.  So leaving a roster spot open or filled by a guy who plays once a week will hurt.  Click here if you want to see how last season’s standings would look with this point structure as well as the points for all the hitters and pitchers.  Here were the ‘top’ 10 in each:

Hitters:

E-mail rudy@razzball.com or comment on this post if you’re interested in joining.  I’ll be updating the participant list at http://razzball.com/fantasy-razzball-league-master-standings.  Draft dates and service provider TBD (leaning towards ESPN but can be convinced if another service can accommodate and will host for free).

Note: Besides providing advice and news on fantasy baseball, we at Razzball created and now sponsor a game where the goal is to manage a team and compile the worst stats.  These Historical Spotlights honor those players who would’ve excelled in such a format.   See here for more info. See here for the summary of the inaugural 2008 season.

True love is rare.  True love means not just accepting the good and the bad – it means never even thinking to judge.  True love is a warm embrace – like a passionate wet kiss you don’t want to end, a steamy mug of cocoa that you don’t want to stop drinking, a fever that you never want to leave your system….

True love is what Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane Jr. feels for our Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee Brad Ausmus.

Brad Ausmus (an Americanized version of the popular German surname Ahsmünch) is a hard man not to love – especially if you were a Jewish mother with a single daughter.  A good Jewish boy out of Connecticut, graduated from Dartmouth, a successful professional…(you could do worse…)

He began his career in the Yankee farm system and was plucked from their roster in the 1992 expansion draft (along with Charlie Hayes and Carl Everett) for the Rockies and Marlins.  After a couple of years on the Padres and Tigers, he was part of part of possibly the most Razztastic trade ever -  an 8 person trade b/w the Tigers and Astros that included Ausmus and 2 other Razzball Spotlight members (Jose Lima, Brian L Hunter).  It was as if Detroit traded GM and Chrysler to Houston for Enron.

Ausmus’ initial 2 year stint (1997-1998) in Houston resulted in okay hitting and two first round playoff losses.  When Ausmus wasn’t hitting for the collar, he and his open collar hit on Houston girls.

In what McLane would later say was “The biggest mistake of my life”, the Astros found the trade receipt and returned Ausmus to Detroit.  Ausmus made the All-Star game in 1999 with Detroit – the benefits of playing for a crappy team and rules requiring each team has at least one representative.  The Astros managed to make the playoffs in 1999 only to lose again in the 1st round.

In 2001, McLane listened to his heart and re-traded for Ausmus.  The trade came just in time as Ausmus was set to embark on a Razztastic eight season hitting stretch during which he plumbed levels that had never been plumbed before.  Now if you’re the type that thinks Ausmus is the Bossmus (i know at least one), you’re probably thinking, “Was Ausmus really any worse a hitter than all those light-hitting catchers I grew up with?”  Well, let’s look at the stats…

The best way to compare vs. previous eras is to use the OPS+ metric which adds OBP and SLG then factors in league and park averages.  Ausmus’s 2001 (57), 2003 (55), 2004 (63) and 2006 (54) mark the 3rd, 4th, 15th, and 7th lowest OPS+ seasons by any catcher with 448+ plate appearances since 1930.  No other catcher even managed two seasons in their career that were as bad as this crappershop quartet Ausmus produced in a six year period.  In 2002, he became the 2nd player in the last 100+ years to hit into at least 30 double plays and not hit 30 extra base hits.  He managed the GIDP>XBH feat again in 2006 with 21 GIDP to 19 XBH.

When asked to pack Ausmus’ ‘tools of ignorance’, the equipment guys would pack his bats instead of his catching equipment.  His hitting was so cartoonish that opposing pitchers would call the Astro hitter “Rad Rausmus”.  Tony LaRussa laid awake at night wondering if he coached Ausmus whether he’d hit him 9th and let the pitcher hit 8th or would he keep Ausmus 8th and have him bunt and let the pitchers swing away.  But all the while, the Astros kept penciling his name in the lineup card – praising him for everything from his defense to his handling of his pitchers to the pristine condition of his game-used bats.

Starting in 2007, the Astros realized that they couldn’t count on Ausmus (then 38) to forfeit the 8th spot in the lineup forever.  Ausmus took Eric Munson under his wing in 2007 but Munson’s 74 OPS+ proved too competent and he was promptly waived at the end of the year.  Ausmus graciously took a backup role to J.R. Towles in 2008 and watched as Towles exploded onto the Razzball scene with an otherworldly .137 AVG and 34 OPS+ in 146 ABs.

While Ausmus maintained his torpid streak of hitting in 2007-2008 despite additional rest and more favorable matchups, he could see the writing on the wall.  He realized the only way he could repay the love that McLane and the Astros showed him was to heed Sting’s advice and set them free.  Carlos Lee even offered to pay his salary but Ausmus refused, stating “It’s certainly flattering but I had an unprecedented 8 year run here.  My job is done.  Plus, as Carlos’s accountant, I had to advise against it.”

Ausmus is currently trying to sign on with a Southern California team.  One would think his bat would fit in just perfectly with San Diego.  Until then, he’ll be hitting the waves – hopefully more successfully then his hitting of baseballs.

Brad Ausmus – Jewish Sports Hall of Fame honoree and now Razzball Historical Spotlight inductee.  You’ve made us so proud, bubelah!

Update:  Funny tribute video by the Astros for Ausmus.  Nice to see they have a sense of humor about this stuff.

Note: Besides providing advice and news on fantasy baseball, we at Razzball created and now sponsor a game where the goal is to manage a team and compile the worst stats. These Historical Spotlights honor those players who would’ve excelled in such a format. See here for more info. See here for the summary of the inaugural 2008 season.

The 1998 HR race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa has received credit for many things:

1. Getting America excited about baseball again after the long shadow of the 1994 strike.
2. Showing that man hugs are in no way gay.
3. Allowing sports journalists to master the art of triflection – genuflection at the time of McGwire and Sosa’s feats, reflection after the painfully obvious fact that they were ‘roided up became inarguable, and deflection of any responsibility for their uncritical hype in the matter.
4. Popularizing andro, backne, and the chest tap.
5. Inspiring Barry Bonds to conduct an experiment to see if multiplying the negative of his natural dickishness with the negative of artificial ‘roid rage would turn out positive (answer: in short term, yes. long term, no)

But the McGwire-Sosa race also succeeded in inspiring the envy of the American League. Despite a 2nd World Series win in 3 years by the Yankees, the National League dominated the headlines thanks to McGwire and Sosa. And, adding insult to injury, both were ex-ALers that had been fleeced in trades with a pre-Beane Oakland and a harbingerific Dubya-owned Texas. How can you top a race to break the cherished single-season HR record? The same way you topple any top-heavy competitor – you aim low.

And no one aimed lower in 1999 than Brian L. Hunter of the Tigers/Mariners and Darren Lewis of the Red Sox as they competed in….

First a little background on our participants:

Brian L. Hunter was a speedy outfielder who raced through the Astros system, making the big leagues in 1994. He wasn’t fast enough to claim a middle initial-less name, though, as a Brian (R.) Hunter made the majors in 1991 for Atlanta. You know what the L stood for? Lee. What, you thought I was gonna say Loser? That’s just mean. But if ever there was a sign that BLH had potential for Razzball Spotlightdom, it was his trade to the lowly Tigers in 1996 that included past honoree Jose Lima.

Darren Lewis was a somewhat speedy, no-hit CF who became a full-time starter with the Giants in 1993 and was best known for his glove and nearly being traded to the Yankees in 1995 for a struggling Bernie Williams (Gene Michael ignored Steinbrenner’s impulsiveness). By the time the 1999 rolled around, he had been traded by the Giants and bounced around 3 other teams.

So you may ask “How do you determine offensive ineptitude?” (I gave you credit for a big vocab word.) We’re going to use Adjusted OPS (OPS+) which is a player’s OBP + SLG adjusted for the park and the league in which the player played. Dorky but effective.

To add some perspective, we’re going to use two poor-hitting outfielders as reference points

1. Gary Pettis – a speedy 1980’s defensive outfielder that played primarily with the Angels. He managed a .236 BA and an 80 OPS+ over his 11 year career, hitting about 3 HRs per 500 ABs. (Rumor has it that Gary Pettis, Rod Carew, and Angels 78-year old owner Gene Autry once held a home run hitting contest on a Monday night. It was ruled a zero-zero-zero tie four nights later as Carew had to go home for Shabbat dinner.)
2. Pete Gray – a light-hitting outfielder who played in the WWII era and had a 48 OPS+ in 234 career ABs. It’s worth noting, though, that he only had one arm (see adjacent photo). Gray had good speed and was a surprisingly deft bunter but he suffered from an inability to hit curve balls (aka Serrano Syndrome) and difficulty hitting HRs due to the topspin generated by his tennis forehand-like swing. (He finished with the second highest average amongst one arm players, ahead of Jim Abbott but well behind Johnny Damon.)

Let’s take this race month-by-month. Since neither Hunter and Lewis are great photo subjects, we’ve replaced them with the Crocodile Hunter and Jerry Lewis in the below line graph.

April – Both players fell within the Razztastic Pettis/Gray hitting range with Lewis slightly in the lead (with the lesser OPS+). Towards the end of the month, Hunter gets traded to the Mariners where he’s placed at the head of the lineup followed by A-Rod, Griffey, and eDHgar Martinez. Fans christens it the ‘Butter Face’ lineup. Lewis hits #2 for the first 10 games but for the rest of the month he, like ham on a pig, occupies the back third.

May – Like Dave Winfield, Hunter and Lewis had their best months in May – both topping Pettis’ career average. Highlights included a .312 average for the month by Lewis (Hey Lay-dee!) and a massive 1 HR / 10 RBI power display by Hunter (Crikey!)

June – Hunter finishes below Lewis for the 2nd month in a row as they both nestle within the safety of the Pettis/Gray zone.

July – As the temperature started to rise, Hunter and Lewis’s OPS+ started to plummet. Hunter’s 2 HR month catapulted him ahead of Lewis despite an OBP of .271 (guess it’s hard to work a walk when A-Rod and Griffey are behind you). Neither invited to the All-Star game.

August – Lewis has a slight rebound while there is no Rhyme for the Ain’t Shit Mariner. Aided by Pinella’s decision to wedge David Bell b/w Hunter and A-Rod in the lineup, Hunter receives a few less meatball pitches and manages a .171 AVG and an astonishing .190 SLG. Note that going 1-for-5 with a single nets a .200 SLG. Hunter couldn’t manage that pace for 105 August ABs.

September/October – With the season on the line, Lewis turned it off big time in September/October with a .160 AVG over 81 AB. A lone double boosted his SLG to .173. All while in a pennant race with the Yanks during which Jimy Williams inexplicably batted him second 16 times. Hunter didn’t flinch – he managed to lower his monthly average to .170 although his SLG crept over the .200 mark. But that was enough to win the battle….

The final stats…
Hunter – 539 AB/79 R/4 HR/34 RBI/.232 AVG/.280 OBP/.301 SLG/.581 OPS/ 48 OPS+
Lewis – 470 AB/63 R/2 HR/40 RBI/.240 AVG/.311 OBP/.309 SLG/.620 OPS/ 57 OPS +

As if these stats aren’t Razztastic enough, 1999 was a huge offensive year. The AL SLG and OPS averages were the 2nd highest in the 20th century (first was 1996). Combine awful stats with strong league hitting and you’ve got an offensive performance by Brian L. Hunter that is the worst by an OF with enough ABs to qualify for the batting title since 1904 (granted not ever but still…). It was bad enough to tie the career OPS+ of the aformentioned mono-armed Pete Gray.

Darren Lewis’ 57 OPS+, while higher than that of the hitting cripple and Pete Gray, tied for the 2nd worst offensive performance by a qualifying OF.

While September/October hinted at lesser things from Hunter & Lewis, they never got more than 250 ABs in a season to plumb further. Hunter played for four more teams in the next 4 years. Lewis hung around the Sawx for two years and then a last year with the Cubs.

While we can never truly know whether Hunter and Lewis records are on the level vs. tainted by performance-enfeebling drugs, we will give them the benefit of the doubt. Because even Razzball can be guilty of triflection now and then.