Fantasy Baseball Advice

Can I get a “no” with eleven O’s?  I personally don’t have the heart right now to type them all.  Yesterday, Giancarlo Stanton, the pride and joy of my heart and the name scribbled all over my Trapper Keeper, said that his knee is bothering him and will continue to bother him.  He said it’s “something that’s obviously not going to get much better playing every day.”  Of course, like the fortune cookie game where you add “in bed” at the end, everything that Giancarlo says also has, “but I will do my best for my novio, Grey Albright.”  You are mi novio too, Giancarlo.  We are boy dot-dot-dot friends.  There’s a dot-dot-dot in there, but sometimes it feels like there’s not.  Court papers say that dot-dot-dot needs to be from 250 feet away.  I’m pretty bummed out, because I do think he’ll play 135-ish games, but if he’s not at 100% with his knees, it could hurt his swing and the ten or so steals he can contribute.  The best case scenario is once the weather heats up, some of the pain is alleviated and, luckily, he plays in a warm weather city.  My sad emoticons are weeping.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Out for the year with a bad elbow.  It’s a painful surgery, but at least it’s roomy in the designated waiting room.

Ryan Braun – Should return on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with minor chest tightness.  He must’ve caught the 24-hour shpilkis bug.

George Kottaras – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Him and Wilin should buy Ramon Hernandez and Lucroy some plane tickets to Venezuela.  The preceding was not a paid advertisement by the Venezuela Chamber of Commerce.

Justin Verlander – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  One of the more dazzling 4 earned run games I’ve seen in a while.  No-hitter into the 5th and a one-hitter going through 8 innings only throwing 81 pitches.   Desmond Jennings said, “If you get the ball in between the giant white lines, you’ve accomplished something.”  He’s either talking about Verlander or hanging out with a hooker who has aspirations to be an air-traffic controller.

Victor Martinez – Tigers said there’s a chance he could return later this season.  Read:  In time for the playoffs.  I’d continue to ignore for our purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading.

Justin Masterson – Ticker shock!  The Indians gave up double digit runs, but Masterson’s only credited with 3 ER in 5 IP (albeit with 9 baserunners).  Unlike his sister Mary Stuart, he can’t always be some kind of wonderful.

Shelley Duncan – 3-for-5 with a home run.  No hand injuries reported yet from his high-fives.

Johnny Damon – Signed with the Indians to be a part-time utility man.  While combing his hair, Damon said he was impressed with the Indians strict no-scalping policy.

Cory Luebke – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has had a bit of a bumpy start to his season (and a bumpy start to this game), but if you can find a restless owner, I’d definitely see if you can pry him away cheap.

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and 116 pitches.  Way to unnecessarily extend your ace in his 2nd start of the year.  On the positive side, Valentine could help with the ice wrap on his arm since he’s an expert on wraps.

Brandon Belt – Sitting for two straight days seemingly because of his 1-for-10 start.  I hope Gallagher mistakes Bochy’s head for a watermelon.

Buster Posey – Missed Wednesday’s start due to shingles, which you don’t get from raising the roof too much.

Tim Lincecum – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I know one has nothing to do with the other, but why do I suddenly want to bench Bumgarner today?

Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Don’t even get me started how this guy should’ve been playing every day for the last three years.  You killed his spirit, Bochy!

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday, but will be away from the club from Thursday until Saturday for the birth of his child.  I jumped the gun on the news for Wednesday.   You can call me Preemie Grey.

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I was pretty conflicted with whether or not I wanted Romero this year because of his 7-ish K-rate — SPOILER ALERT — Romero’s K-rate is in the box at the end of Seven — and his FIP.  I’m glad Rudy pressured me to draft him in one of our leagues.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He got the W with the inverted W motion.  He made it through 100 pitches for the first time in his career.  God Bless, St. Rasburg.

Drew Storen – Underwent minor elbow surgery.  That’s like saying having your tubes tied is minor.  Yeah, I suppose it is, but you want someone monkeying by your wrench?  The Nats said he should be back before the All-Star break.  They previously said he couldn’t throw because of strep throat.  Cust kayin’.  In yesterday’s game, Henry Rodriguez was warming up for a save opportunity until the Nats tacked on a run to make the point moot.  Lidge had also thrown the day before, so the alternating closerousel is still in effect.

Mike Napoli – Was out yesterday after being hit in the temple.  Sounds like a religious hate crime.

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with a home run.  I’ll be honest, I feel like people are preparing to lynch me for my ranking of Bourjos, so I’m glad to see him do something.  Now, if he did a little more of something, I’d be even happier.  If he did a lot of something, I’d be through the Gee Dee roof.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his third homer as he led the Twins to a 6 run outburst, which, I believe, is the most runs they’ve scored in the last two years.

Starlin Castro – Got his 5th SB and seems cemented in the 3rd spot of the Cubs lineup.  Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a top 3 SS this year (after Tulo and Hanley).  If only he wasn’t constantly being awakened by those screaming lambs.

A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 2nd homer of the year.  On Firezynski.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Alejandro De Aza – Back-to-back games going 2-for-5 with a homer.  Could we have our first hot schmotato of the year?

Aroldis Chapman – 2 IP, 1 baserunner, 5 Ks as he beat Rzepczynki, who couldn’t land any of his letters on a Triple Letter score.  5 Ks in two innings with only one baserunners… Guessing his agent is gonna put out a hit on Dusty any day now.

Joe Weiland – He’s being called up to replace Dustin Moseley.  I believe Weiland is a fan of Orange Crush and every game Joe pitches there’s a threat of volcano eruption.  He looks like your standard Hodgepadre, which means he’s rosterable in all leagues when he’s pitching at home and a wait-and-see in road games.  (Of course, the same goes for Anthony Bass, but he’s less attractive then Weiland.)

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 1 RBI with his first start behind the plate.  Hallelujah!

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. his old club the Rangers.  You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.

Jon Jay – 1-for-3 with a homer from the two hole.  If he stays in the two hole and hits, The Federalist could have some nice value.

Jonathan Broxton – Blew yesterday’s game in spectacularly awful fashion.  With the bases loaded, he had two straight HBPs.  Last time he had two straight of those was when the local Waffle House offered Ham and Bacon Pancakes.  I’m sure no one who called me crackers for leading with Broxton in last week’s Sell is gonna say they think Broxton is flipping awesome now.  But, Grey, can’t Broxton be good?  Sure, Random Italicized Voice, but he’s also been hot garbage for the last two years.

Josh Johnson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K.  His brother, Gosh, just shook his head and recounted the Halloween video he did with a tube of K-Y and a gourd that ended equally bad.

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 3 ER with his first blown save.  I think he’s got about five more where that came from and a trip to the Disgraceful List in his future.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Nursing a hip flexor injury.  Is it Tulo injury time already?  We couldn’t even get to the All-Star break?

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Looky, looky, the mirror fogged up that they held up to his nose.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  I know the Astros only have one slugger and he’s currently their closer, but this was a solid start from Delgado.  He definitely has upside, just gotta watch for the roofie.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the 1927 Tigers as he turned their sizzle to lean, which is no easy task.

Stephen Vogt – 0-for-4 as he DH’d, which is whatever (outside of two catcher, AL-Only leagues), but it makes me think of how much playing time Brandon Belt would get on the Rays.  This is why certain teams win, they play their next generation of players.  They don’t let them sit of the effin’ bench for Aubrey effin’ Huff.  Can someone start a website, Eff Aubrey Huff dot com?  I’m so annoyed; I need to take my “medicine.”

Fernando Rodney – In yesterday’s podcast, I said four different relievers would see a save in the month of April for the Rays.  Then Rodney went and got his 3rd save.  Maybe it has something to do with the rule of threes, but yesterday’s save (getting called on to start the inning and pitching perfectly) has me thinking Rodney might get the majority of the saves until he totally Mr. Bungles things.

Jeremy Hellickson – Was hit in the head by a ball during batting practice.  As frequent commenter, Wake Up, said, “So much for being lucky with balls in play.” Initial signs are that he’s okay for his next start, but they took him to the hospital just nicasio.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.

Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties.  That means Santos is just the closer closer.  Or as close to it as we’re gonna get.  I don’t know how much I believe this.  Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League.  And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence.  I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. righty and maybe Ozzie just wants to kick a little something for the old G’s.  If Sergio Santos can save games for the next week as well as he designs jeans, he could run with the job.  It’s worth the flyer, ya’ll!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Philip Humber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a terrific start.  Also, he had a 4.42 ERA coming into the game and his stuff would have him in middle relief if Peavy were healthy.

Albert Pujols – Didn’t need anything for his hamstring strain and could be ready to go on Tuesday.  Or as that day will forever be called in St. Louis, Thanktheeffinlordday.

Logan Morrison – Had his cast removed and should be able to return when his DL stint ends.  Logan will be putting his cast on eBay.  I hope it fetches more than my VHS copy of Midnight Madness, that awesome 80′s Michael J. Fox movie where they go on a scavenger hunt.  Can’t believe someone stole that from me for $1.99.  It’s a rarity!

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers yesterday, now has 3 homers in the last four games.  Hopefully he doesn’t smash a whipped cream pie into his own face.

Brian Sanches – Got his 3rd vulture win yesterday.  Mujica has 2 wins.  Mike Dunn has a vulture win.  Know how many the Razzball-owned Clay Hensley has?  Rhymes with “Why doesn’t he have one?” and it’s spelled none.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he started in place of Pedro Alvarez vs. a lefty.  That’s a good move to cause me to claw my eyes out.  Thanks, Pittsburgh!

Chris Narveson – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch!

Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 6.95.  To preemptively answer the inevitable Lewis comment, I don’t know what you should do because I wouldn’t have drafted him.

Jose Bautista – Has he got his 50th homer again yet?  Stupid Bautista making me look stupid.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-5, hitting .478 on the year.  He’s always been an April hitter.  That gives you four more days before the clock strikes crap.

Darwin Barney – Hit his first homer as his owners sang, “I love you, you love me.”

Kendrys Morales – Not getting “full explosion” with his runs.  Sounds like he should eat more Mexican food.

Ryan Zimmerman – Given the okay to resume some baseball activities.  Like spitting and scratching himself.

Willie Bloomquist – Sent to the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring.  Chief Justice Ryan Roberts must’ve Gillooly’d him with a gavel.

Brad Emaus – To the Rockies.  Yeah, just what they need, another second baseman.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuce!

Ian Kennedy – After that blip on the radar two weeks ago, it looks like the Kennedy administration is back to kissing babies and glad-handing.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Someone asked in the comments yesterday what it would take for me to trust Burnett.  He had a 1.46 WHIP and 4.37 ERA going into last night’s game.  Last April, he had a 2.43 ERA and ended the year with a 5.26.  This is someone I have to trust?

Brett Gardner – 0-for-2, hitting .136 on the year.  Yahoo’s Pianowski traded me Gardner yesterday for The Lisper’s Nightmare.  I figure Gardner has to come around…Okay, he doesn’t have to, but should and trading for him with Seth Smith, a fantasy fifth outfielder, seems like a decent gamble.  Now tell me what a moron I am.

Phil Hughes – Had a setback in his rehab.  Hughes and his right arm had a moment as the following song played in the background, “I f**ked you once, I f**ked you twice.  I won’t let a 92 MPH heater go at any price.”

Jerry Sands – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal for his first game in one our team’s lineups.  Hey, we popped our Jerry!

Jonathan Broxton – Blew his first save.  Huh?!  He only has one blown save?  That’s crazy talk.  He hasn’t pitched well in seven months.  And this blown save was due to an error.  If Kuo is on waivers, I’d grab him; he should be back by the end of the week.

Juan Uribe – Missed the entire weekend and out on Monday too.  On a completely unrelated note, how does someone who is bedridden because they are so fat keep eating?  Stop bringing them food!

Don Mattingly – A recent winning streak had Donnie Baseball refusing to shave his goatee.  Andre Ethier had also paused his Brazilian waxing routine.

Elijah Dukes – Arrested for driving with a suspended license.  Elijah said, “I had to get to the Katz’s house before the end of seder!”

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

We are making a double switch today.  Rudy is taking the husband slot which will probably bench him for a few years; Grey is taking the best man slot that will put him in the reliever role and I’ll be taking the cleanup spot for today.  If I’m wearing a titanium sombrero after this, just remember Cinco De Mayo is closing in and I’m probably drunk. And while you’re reading the ramblings of a drunk man, you might as well go over to the nether regions of Razzball and check out my football ramblings.

My Mauer’s heel is my love for deep fried twinkies. Joe Mauer‘s is actually his heel.  Gardy says he is week to week, but now I’m hearing day to day, but any way you look at it a heel injury is tough on a catcher.  I don’t want to channel Grey and say I told you so, but I will if you cross me.  His home runs are down so far and with this bruised heel that number isn’t going to rise any time soon.  While you revel or despair in Joe Stud’s injury let’s take a look at some other happenings in the wide world of baseball:

Curtis Granderson — He’s been put on the DL with a grade 2 groin strain.  It wasn’t until grade 5 that my groin started straining.  Grandy could be out up to a month.  His replacement(s) aren’t going to help you since their names are Randy Winn and Marcus Thames and they’ll be splitting time.

Andre Ethier — With Matt Kemp’s blazing start Andre has been lost in the ether (see what I did there?).  With 4 donks in the last 3 games he doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.  If you’re at dinner with Andre, don’t order dessert just yet.

Johan Santana — The Phillies teed off on him in Philly last night.  Shizz happens.  It’s Utley, Howard and company and it’s in a mini-stadium.  Might as well send an offer or two out to see if you can pry him away from a disgruntled owner.

Alfredo Simon — I’m a big fan of his sauce and now of his SAGNOF, mmmmm SAGNOF.  Mike Gonzalez is still three weeks away from possibly, maybe, returning and Simon has pitched well.  Simon says, “pick me up!”

Zach Grienke — He continues to get Grienke’d but good.  In his last 85 starts, he has a 2.86 ERA in 540 innings with 32 wins.  His team’s offense hasn’t been God-awful this year, but they’re moving into that realm, which is where the middle relief has been dwelling.  Those two should have a good time continuing the Greinke’ng of Greinke.

Josh Beckett — Looks like he’s coming around.  Why were you worrying?

Justin Verlander — Look up at Beckett, check it.

Alex Gordon — He’s been optioned to AAA and that doesn’t come with all those perks like 10% off Motel 6 and the roadside assistance.  If you took a picture of Grey right now he’d look like the Native American after that jerk threw trash out the window.

Doug Fister — Fister got fisted by Aardsma and the end result was a hard core Greink’ng.  What’s this guy doing?  It’s hard to trust him, but you have to respect his results.  He’s loving Safeco where he has pitched 23 innings, given up 9 hits, 1 walk, and 1 earned run.  He is a prototype for a sell high, but if you can’t get anyone to bite, I’d stick with him at home and be careful on the road.

Edwin Jackson — Grey warned you and now I’m here to rub it in your face some more. (And mine too since I just dropped his arse.) I watched this last game against the Cubs and Ed couldn’t get the ball near the catcher’s glove, leaving pitches up and in all kinds of wheel houses.

Austin Jackson – Now this is a Jackson I can support! The kid just keeps on hitting and K’ng, but more hitting! He leads the league in hits with 41 and his average is pee eightch a tee.  He’s a sell high, just cuz, but he’s fun to watch!

Tom Gorzelanny — K’d the D-backs 10 times which is a career high. This would be great news for Tom if he wasn’t facing the free swinging D-backs.  He’s a spot starter at best, but if you have a schmohawk lefty you want to start against Arizona you have my blessing.

Alfonso Soriano — And you thought he was going to carve a permanent butt groove on your bench.  In his last 10 games Soriano has 5 HRs, 14 RBIs and six walks.  The walks are nice to see for the swing at every slider away Soriano.  As the dearly departed country singing sage Jerry Reed said, “when you’re hot you’re hot and when you’re not you’re not.”

Jimmy Rollins — He is still feeling tightness in his calf and should be out another 2 weeks.  Jimmy likes teasing you with a great start.  Jimmy wants you to suffer.  Jimmy blames Kramer for his injury.

Brian Roberts — His time table to return is looking worse than my times tables in the 3rd grade.  I have a  “7 x 8 = 56″ tattooed on the back of my hand.  There actually is no time table for his return.  You have to hold onto him, but try to forget he’s on your team.  It will be like finding a twenty dollar bill in your back pocket when he returns, or a nickel, depending on how he plays.

Stephen Strasburg — He’s been promoted to Triple-A and as soon as Livan Hernandez returns to his hometown of Schmoville it will once again burn your eyes to look at the Nat’s pitching stats, which in turn will get the S.S. Cy Young rigged and shipped out to D.C.

Nick Markakis — Sparkakis! He’s turning his shizz around.

Paul Konerko — He’s up to 12 donks for the year.  Ride his donkey-donks for as long as you can.  He could be a sell-high candidate, but his name doesn’t inspire much over-hype at this point in his career.  He’ll be solid enough for you, especially at whatever bargain basement round you drafted him in.

Rafael Furcal — There’s a good chance he’ll be DL’d if he can’t go today.  Very bad news for his owners since he looked like he was back.  Tweaking your hammy isn’t anything like pinching your pet pig’s nose, but both might land you on the DL.

Jon Garland — Hodgepadre strikes again!

Jhoulys Chacin — Pitched well against the Giants on the road.  Against a good team in Colorado you will see different results.  He gets the Dodgers in his next go around. His name is pronounced “Yo-lease,” so I’m guessing he was named after Bart Simpson trying to get his sister’s attention, but I could be wrong.  He is talented, but will have a lot of rocky starts (get it, Rockies?)

Rod Barajas — He must revel in facing his old team (who he played a whopping 48 games for).  Three Donks in two games.  He’s blown his wad.

Jaime Moyer — I can only think of Eddie Harris every time I see him pitch. His hair did look a little greasy.

Kerry Wood — Chris Perez might not want to give the closers’ role back, but Wood will get the opportunity.  So what are you waiting for?

Daisuke Matsuzaka — Not much has changed for Dice-K.  People still can’t spell his name and go with the “Dice-K,” instead.  If you start him you’re rolling the dice, K?  He did have a nice outing for Grey this week, but it was in our Razzball league.

Chris Young — He was blasted in Double A and couldn’t get out of the first inning.  I’m holding judgment for now.  It was his first start back and he is a Hodgepadre.