Now Aroldis Chapman says he wants to be the closer. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, why are you putting me in this room with padded walls? No, the Reds haven’t driven me crazy. I’m wearing a potato sack because the fabric breathes. Dusty’s the crazy one, not me. What is that powdery substance you’re stirring into my Jamba Juice? I saw you… I feel drowsy… Jack, I just want to see what’s in the hatch… ….Whoa, just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that not only did Dusty say he wanted Aroldis as the closer, but that Aroldis was saying it too. All of that came after they signed Broxton to close games, with Sean Marshall and Jose Arredondo setting him up. Wait, why am I still wearing a potato sack? It’s true?! AAAHHH! I blame Dusty and the toothpick he hasn’t changed since late-1997. He’s got splinters in the brain. The good news (depending on how optimistic you can be) is Aroldis has about the same value and ranking as a closer as he does as a starter. His auction value wouldn’t really change either. If anything, Aroldis is probably a tad higher in rankings if he’s a closer. It’s a role that he’s not only done before, but it’s a role that had him produce a top ten overall fantasy season. The bad news is, you might own a $12 Salad and if you drafted him as an ace, you no longer have a starter, which could change the entire dynamic of your team. This would kill Broxton’s value too. This still isn’t a done deal, Aroldis and Dusty might get overruled by Reds management, who obviously want him as a starter. I ask the Reds, “Is deciding on a role dis hard?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jedd Gyorko wins 2nd base job, yay says fantasy baseballers and Richard Kelly. The next thing you know, ol’ Jedd will head off to Beverly, Hills that is. On road trips to Los Angeles. Or Magic Johnson will just give him $100 million to sit next to Dee Gordon and Ryu. “You use your free tickets yet to see Jack the Giant Slayer at Magic Johnson theaters?” That’s Ryu talking to Gordon. They’re good friends. So, Gyorko is reportedly the new 2nd baseman in San Diego. I say bravo to the Friars. In one week, a new Pope and a new 2nd baseman. What did you do this week? Stretch your Sunday meal out into Thursday? Nice work! This might be the Year of the Snake, but it’s the week of the Gyorko, after mentioning him already three times. The hype’s been building in my pants for a while. Did I just say in my pants? No, I don’t think I did, but this post is a locomotive that can’t be stopped. In November, I wrote a Jedd Gyorko fantasy. There, I said I’d be surprised if he didn’t start the year in the majors. *shrugs, combs mustache, waits for balloons to fall from ceiling* I wrote that shizz in November! Okay, no ceiling balloons, fine. Blowing a frickin’ noisemaker wouldn’t hurt you. Gyorko has been a beast through the minors, and should hit in the majors + Petco = Linda Ronstadt. Wow, my math was way off there. It was supposed to equal a 2nd baseman with upside. Since I figured Gyorko would be in the majors to start the year, his projections were already in my top 400 for 2013 fantasy baseball, but I did move him up in the top 20 2nd basemen and top 20 3rd basemen posts. I almost moved Jedd up even further, but Petco and cold sores from previous bouts of rookie nookie kept him in the early 200’s overall range. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well, if the Dodgers really do have the Magic touch, they better get Zack Greinke some aid. Greinke flew back to LA yesterday and, boy, is his elbow tired. I say, “Blame it on Harang,” but I say like I’m Milli Vanilli. Greinke’s MRI came back clean, and Dr. Neal ElAttrache diagnosed him with inflammation. Is it me or does Dr. Neal ElAttrache’s last name look like those sneaker/slippers Nike used to make in the 90’s? Any the hoo! Dr. Neal Air Huarache gave Greinke some anti-inflammatory medication and the news has been positive (after the negative news). I really to the third power dislike pitchers with elbow issues, but Greinke is supposed to be able to throw again in a few days. I haven’t moved him yet in my 2013 fantasy baseball rankings, but I’m going to be watching this situation like I’m a cyclops with a monocle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The World Baseball Classic news hit the wire first, “Team USA will add another first baseman; Team Yankees will add another leading doctor in the world of performance-enhancing drugs.” Team USA added Eric Hosmer, Team Yankees added a guy with a peach fuzz mustache, a B.U.M. equipment sweatshirt and red, white and blue Zubaz who goes by the name, Rick, and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Phoenix. Team USA said that whole thing about Votto being a Canadian was total BS, Rick said he trained with Lance Armstrong. Team USA no longer has Mark Teixeira, neither does Team Yankees. But Rick’s got a plan. It worked for Lance Armstrong and A-Rod. Drink carrot milkshakes and inject horse semen. “These are my stallions.” That’s Rick overlooking his kingdom (a musty cellar with bad lightning). John C. Reilly is in talks to play him. So, if Te(i)x being hurt is a surprise to you, I wouldn’t want to see you when a cat jumps out of a closet. He will miss eight to ten weeks after hearing a pop in his wrist. He might miss more time. Right now, Cashman isn’t optimistic. I changed my Te(i)x projections and rankings in the top 20 1st basemen; I don’t foresee me drafting him anywhere. They’re no longer the Yankees, they’re now the Jankees. At first base, they’re looking at the craptastic Dan Johnson/Juan Rivera blahtoon or the more likely scenario of Youuuuuuuuuk moving to first and Nunez (and his razztastic defense) over at third. Will suck for any Jankee LHPs to have Pasta Diving Jeter and Errordo Nunez. Today, Mets fans are smiling. If you can’t beat them, pray they join you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I was jazzed to draft Phil Hughes this year like I was from New Orleans and I was smoking doobs with Kermit Ruffins. Then Hughes hurt his back and someone played the sad trombone. That’s yay upside down, which looks like a fire between two teepees. Hughes is now out with a bulging disk in his back. Hey, Hughes, is that a banana in your spine or you happy to see me? I’m not a doctor (no kidding!), but none of this sounds good for Hughes. I’m lowering my projections on him and dropping him out of my favorable tier. It’s early, and there’s still a lot of time, but I’d be lying if I said I was still drafting him with confidence. I’ll draft some players that are mildly injured, but the injury needs to sound a lot better than “may not be ready for the start of the season.” Then there’s Matt Garza, who will be starting the year on the DL. This news comes just days after we freakin’ drafted him. I will now call him Matt Grrza. Whenever I say his name, I will say it like I’m a frustrated Lisa Simpson. Well, if you wanna ride the Garza Strip, be prepared for some bombshells. I’ve updated the top 40 and top 60 starters to reflect Hughes and Grrza’s inability to keep me happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now, it makes sense. That’s Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley sitting in bathtubs overlooking Mt. Rainier. “The beans acting up on you, Smoaky the Bear?” “Why do you ask, Ackalacka?” “Cause I heard bubbles coming up in your tub.” “Nah, I get bubbles in my tub when I get an erection.” The move to Seattle will definitely reduce injury risk for Kendrys Morales. Not because he’s now assured a DH role, but because he can’t hit homers as easily. Snap in an inverted W formation! Kendrys is listed as a Latin 29. If you think he’s 29 years old, I have a bridge in Nova Scotia made of smoked salmon to sell you. It smells and it’s greying on the edges, but it’s worth a lot in retail at the butcher. “Saul, I can get my hands on a bridge made of lox, can you resell it?” That’s you talking to your butcher. Kendrys took forever to come back from his limp-off homer, but finally looked to be in a groove in the 2nd half of last season (14 homers in 238 ABs). He’s a possible Zombino, even though if he’s really 29 that shouldn’t apply. 29? Ha! And I’m fifteen with the most beautiful mustache that your deity of choice ever created! Please! His numbers at Safeco aren’t nearly as bad as you might think. In 120 ABs, his line is 19/7/23/.292/1. I’ve seen worse. Nick Punto in any ballpark over the course of three seasons combined. That’s worse. I imagine now people will look at Morales with a real puss on their faces because he’s in Seattle, but, while the park and lineup aren’t great, he doesn’t have to worry about platooning randomly whenever the Sciosciapath feels like it. For 2013, I’m still going to predict a bounce back for Kendrys, even though I was thinking of an even bigger one before this trade. The projected stat line I’ll give him is 77/26/89/.272. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Jays started this trading season with a bang by sucking the soul from the Marlins, leaving them soul-less. Now they’re finishing up the winter trading season by reaching into the Mets’ chest and ripping out their heart like Mola Ram. The Mets trading Cy Young winner, R.A. Dickey is the smartest thing I’ve seen the Mets do since they clearly labeled the foul lines during their 1986 championship. There’s no reason people need to be sniffing powdered limestone. “Hey, Mex, wanna go to Tijuana to get some Devil’s Dandruff?” “Doc, we got a World Series game today.” *blank stare from Gooden* “So?” I don’t think Dickey is a one-hit wonder (pun noted); he was solid enough since 2010. His last three seasons ERAs are 2.84, 3.28, 2.73. Sure, there’s some xFIP issues in those years and his K-rates in 2010 and 2011 were 5.37 and 5.78. This was not an ace. Last year, he was. He matched his insane 1st half (2.40 ERA, 123 Ks in 120 IP) with a great 2nd half (3.09 ERA, 107 Ks in 113 2/3 IP). He’s 38 years old, but knuckleballers age at wildly different rates than most pitchers. Phil Niekro didn’t really peak until he was a doppelganger for Phil Donahue. I mean, when your fastest pitch couldn’t win a SpongeBob at a local carnival it’s not unreasonable to think Dickey can still have success. Still, Dickey has nowhere to go but down. This is a classic sell high trade, so I say good for the Mets. Dickey is a tough pitcher to predict. It’s not surprising that he had a great year last year vs. the AL. He had a great year vs. everyone. In 24 IP, he had a 1.88 ERA and a 0.50 WHIP with 28 Ks vs. the AL. In 26 IP in 2011, his ERA was 2.08 with a 1.08 WHIP and 24 Ks vs. the AL. I think his Ks are going to fall a bit closer to his career average. Give him say a 7+ K-rate instead of a 8+ K-rate, and, due to Metco suppressing homers a tad more than Rogers, I’m going to bump up his ERA a bit. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 16-8/3.38/1.17/182. There is admittedly a larger margin of error in this line than I’ve given other pitchers. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m not sure what the L stands for, but Josh Hamilton obviously felt LAA was a good fit for him. What I’d like to know is how is California a bankrupt state? The Dodgers and Angels’ salaries combined are equal to the GDP of every country, except China and Switzerland. Mozambique couldn’t afford just Pujols and Hamilton. Forget Greinke, Hanley, Vernon Wells, Matt Kemp and Carl Crawford. Alone, Arte Moreno could sell the Angels and buy Africa. Africa Moreno, that’s what they would call it. Burundi would become Aybarundi, Djibouti would become Dbootyhole and Chad would stay the same name, because that’s a badass name for a country, but Arte would put a country-wide golf course there, because anything named Chad and golf go hand-in-hand. The Angels now have Trout, Aybar, Pujols and Hamilton at the top of their lineup. October 1st called and said Aybar just scored his 197th run. Batting fifth, Kendrys could hit .220 and drive in 100 RBIs. Howie Kendrick… Well, he’ll still disappoint, but this is slightly bizzonkers to have three of the top hitters in baseball all in the same lineup. Trout, Hamilton and Pujols alone hit 103 homers last year. The Astros whole team only hit 146. Specifically about Hamilton, I could throw a lot numbers at you about about how his June through September were well short of his April/May. How his BABIP in April/May buoyed his season average. How not quoting these exact numbers but saying how I could quote them is a lot easier. Honestly, none of these numbers matter. I’d take six months straight of 5 homers/month and a .280 average. I don’t need a .380 average month with 12 homers. The bigger issue for me is you have no idea what you’re going to get from Hamilton year-to-year. One year, he hits 10 homers; one year, he misses 30 games; one year, he misses 55 games. Last year, his K-rate wasn’t good and his homer/fly ball rate was obscene. His swinging strike rate was the worst in the majors. This wasn’t just bad for this year. He had the worst rate since 2002. Mark Reynolds set a strikeout record one year and had a better swinging strike rate. Oh, and he’s 32 years old as of May 21st. He could be in for a huge year, but he’ll probably be drafted before I’m willing to look at him. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 92/29/109/.277/7. You think adding a top hitter to an already stacked lineup will make it exponentially better, but for fantasy it just spreads out the wealth, as the Angels and Dodgers should do. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Shin-Soo Choo makes the Reds lineup look pretty. No more will they have to search for a lead-off hitter with a solid OBP. I do feel bad for the guy in charge of explaining to Dusty why Choo’s OBP should be coveted and they shouldn’t mourn the loss of Stubbs. “Oh bee pees are fine and dandy…If you’re a dandy. I play a man’s game where hitters swing the bat like they mean it. You ever see George Foster take a walk? He would have preferred someone walk on his face. Hence… His face!” “But, Dusty, if Choo gets on base–” “I get on base by swinging!” “Choo not you.” “How about ‘Choo’ stop confusing me?!” Hitter-wise, this is about as good a fit as I’ve seen from a fantasy and real baseball perspective this offseason. (Pitching-wise, I did like Greinke going to the Dodgers.) I’ve never been excited about Choo (no offense), but never fully against him either. Indifferent, if you’re not trying to use unnecessary words, which is the least succinct way to say succinct. This slight tick up in value for Choo has me excited. It’s a small sample size, but he has four homers in nine games in Great American. So, for 2013, I’ll give him 67 homers? Nope, but a terrific lineup and ballpark sure won’t hurt. For 2013, I’ll give him the line 108/23/79/.296/20. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Doozy’s on line two. Doozy, “Yeah, I got no words for this trade.” Holy Crapballs on line three. Holy Crapballs, “What’s there to say?” You’ve Got To Be Kidding’s on line four. You’ve Got To Be Kidding, “Hey, I’m here with Doozy… Hold on, I’m gonna merge the calls with Holy Crapballs. Okay, HC, you there? You’re on with Doozy and You’ve Got To Be Kidding. What do you make of this trade?” Holy Crapballs, “Well–Shoot, Are You Effin’ Joking is buzzing in.” Recently, I went over my Wil Myers 2013 fantasy. Yeah, that’s pretty much toast. Set a fire to it. Not literally. It’s on your computer. The Royals are basically the guy who held onto his virginity for thirty years then woke up one day and said, “Eh, I’m going to a hooker.” Wow. I’m speechless. Sure, they have Frenchy. But, um, it’s Frenchy. Jake Odorizzi and Mike Montgomery were only, what? A few months away? Sure, Montgomery’s lost some luster, but Odorizzi’s still a top prospect. He could be Wade Davis this year. Maybe Shields next year. Wil Myers, though, well Wil (almost stutterer!) is the meow’s cat. I wonder if the Orioles wish they had Erik Bedard still to trade for Myers and others. Wil Myers is ready to contribute and the Rays don’t hold back their prospects. He’s starting on Opening Day in the majors unless something unforeseen happens. As I said in that Wil Myers fantasy post, he’s a number three hitter, and a damn good one. He’s not going to give us a Trout-type rookie year, but those only come around once in never. He doesn’t possess blazing speed like Trout. He’s a 30+ homer, 110+ RBIs, .300+ average guy in his prime. Think easily fantasy 2nd round value numbers when he hits his groove. In October when I thought he’d start the year in Triple-A, I gave him the line of 40/18/50/.280/5. Now, I’ll up that to a full season of at-bats and 62/24/72/.277/8 with upside for more. Yeah, he plays in shallow, three-outfield fantasy leagues. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?