Doozy’s on line two. Doozy, “Yeah, I got no words for this trade.” Holy Crapballs on line three. Holy Crapballs, “What’s there to say?” You’ve Got To Be Kidding’s on line four. You’ve Got To Be Kidding, “Hey, I’m here with Doozy… Hold on, I’m gonna merge the calls with Holy Crapballs. Okay, HC, you there? You’re on with Doozy and You’ve Got To Be Kidding. What do you make of this trade?” Holy Crapballs, “Well–Shoot, Are You Effin’ Joking is buzzing in.” Recently, I went over my Wil Myers 2013 fantasy. Yeah, that’s pretty much toast. Set a fire to it. Not literally. It’s on your computer. The Royals are basically the guy who held onto his virginity for thirty years then woke up one day and said, “Eh, I’m going to a hooker.” Wow. I’m speechless. Sure, they have Frenchy. But, um, it’s Frenchy. Jake Odorizzi and Mike Montgomery were only, what? A few months away? Sure, Montgomery’s lost some luster, but Odorizzi’s still a top prospect. He could be Wade Davis this year. Maybe Shields next year. Wil Myers, though, well Wil (almost stutterer!) is the meow’s cat. I wonder if the Orioles wish they had Erik Bedard still to trade for Myers and others. Wil Myers is ready to contribute and the Rays don’t hold back their prospects. He’s starting on Opening Day in the majors unless something unforeseen happens. As I said in that Wil Myers fantasy post, he’s a number three hitter, and a damn good one. He’s not going to give us a Trout-type rookie year, but those only come around once in never. He doesn’t possess blazing speed like Trout. He’s a 30+ homer, 110+ RBIs, .300+ average guy in his prime. Think easily fantasy 2nd round value numbers when he hits his groove. In October when I thought he’d start the year in Triple-A, I gave him the line of 40/18/50/.280/5. Now, I’ll up that to a full season of at-bats and 62/24/72/.277/8 with upside for more. Yeah, he plays in shallow, three-outfield fantasy leagues. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Twins said goodbye to Ben Revere, that troublemaker! (Not really accurate, but I’m trying to make the Winter Meetings seem exciting. Revere seems like anything but a troublemaker. Either way…) The Twins just couldn’t handle his gamesmanship and play-by-the-rules attitude. Makes them wish they could get back Delmon Young (they probably could; all they have to do is ask or simply put a cupcake near the entrance of their stadium and he’ll wonder back). If the world had a nickel for every time Revere caused a disagreement, the world would be in a deep recession. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Yo, Macro Economics Professor, I blame Ben Revere! So, Revere on the Phils is great for the Phils, finally finding that big bat to fill-in for Juan Pierre. If you graphed out Revere’s homers over the last five years side-by-side with Pierre’s, you’d have a big waste of graph paper. Revere’s over/under for power is 1 homer. His steals, runs and average are above-average, with the steals his biggest asset. His power is such a clusterfudgiethewhale that he’s nothing but SAGNOF and shouldn’t be owned for longer than a month or two if you’re lagging in speed, otherwise you will start to lag in power. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 82/1/30/.291/45. Remember, my projections are a plus/minus two homers, so he could hit one foul pop 400 feet backwards behind home plate and get a negative homer. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So all the exciting Winter Meetings deals are gonna come on the last day? It’s like Frank and Zach from MTV’s Challenge have taken over the Winter Meetings and ruined them too. Give me back Evan and Kenny and CT! In the words of T.J. Lavin, they killed it! Sorry, I didn’t have any balloons set up to fall when Sean Burnett signed a deal. Maybe Greinke will finally sign somewhere today, or, dare to dream, Josh Hamilton. So far the Winter Meetings have given a run to your co-worker’s PowerPoint presentations on the Yawn-o-Meter. The biggest value change for fantasy thus far would have to go to Dan Haren. A guy who’s got a bad hip (or is it back?). He signed with the Nats. Solid deal for them. If Haren does nothing, whatever. They have plenty of pitching in place. If he does something, then score, or, ya know, no score vs. him. It’s the equivalent to a late-round gamble in fantasy, which appropriately enough is what Haren is. If he’s drafted prior to that, then people are looking at his name-value more than reality. I don’t trust him at all to stay healthy. One trade to the Cubs already fell through, due to his hip (back?; I don’t know — he’s injured in some way.) Sure, he’s only missed three starts in nine years, but presumably his health caused his fastball to bottom out at 88 MPH last year, and the hip (back, whatever) injury sounds like it’s still an issue. I can almost guarantee someone will draft him before I do. I’m guessing at best he misses at least a month of the season, and at worst he gets shut down for a few months. I’ll put his 2013 line at 7-6/3.95/1.27/120 in 150 innings. I’m sure there will be points during the season he is usable, and I will quote that line verbatim the day after he pitches a gem. And that’s me quoting future me! Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Yankees’ extra-bat-off-the-bench in the playoffs, Alex Rodriguez, will be out for six months, following surgery on his hip that is set to take place in January. Guess A-Rod doesn’t want to be out of service for the holiday season. “Hey, I got a date with this smoking hot, butchy female and she wants me to dress up as Santa and sit on my lap. Can we do this whole hip-ma-whosie Jan one?” That’s A-Rod talking to his doctors. Yes, A-Rod says Jan instead of January. BTW, I Googled A-Rod surgery and the first article was at Latino dot Fox. A-Rod is as Latino as Taco Bell. On the fo’ really tip, why can’t he go into surgery right now? He’s getting paid approximately four hundred million this year and he wants to delay surgery so he misses an extra month of the season? The $17 million that went to Russell Martin just shook its head, incredulous. If there’s a legitimate reason for the delay that I didn’t read about, there’s no legitimate reason, so don’t bother telling me about it. Maybe if Pasta Diving Cap’n Jetes would get hip surgery in December than A-Rod would, as well. Well, even before Rodriguez came down with the appropriate hip problem, he shouldn’t have been drafted. He’s actually done us all a favor. Now he’s pushed himself so far down draft boards that you won’t even have to think about it in, say, the 12th round. For 2013, I’ll put his line at 40/13/44/.263/6 in 300 ABs. He’s firmly in the “Do Not Touch” section of your draft board. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Braves dumped Tommy Hanson and his salary for a free agent acquisition to be named later. Imagine the Braves get Hamilton. Heyward/Upton/Hamilton, zoinks! Although, they are more likely to get someone like Swisher. Or maybe they can land international free agent, Juan Jablome. Heyward, Jablome, Upton? “Screw you, I prefer B.J.!” “Okay, whatever you wanna call it!” So, Tommy Hanson’s value has sky-plummeted in the last eighteen months. He went from a one or a two to “Is his shoulder ever gonna be right again?” It’s not the worse gamble for the Angels, though I still wouldn’t want to own Hanson in fantasy. He’s not someone I would take a gamble on until I saw a good few months from him during the season, i.e., I won’t own him coming out of drafts. For 2013, I see his line being 12-10/3.87/1.30/169. Anyway, here’s some more offseason news for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before we get into the news, I just wanted to announce that you may want to take a screenshot… Shizz is about to change. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo. Okay, you’ll see on Saturday night (or maybe Sunday or maybe Monday or maybe a week from now or maybe…You get the picture.). Anyway II, here’s some 2013 fantasy baseball news:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s rumblings that Aroldis Chapman will be in the rotation. This isn’t the first time we’ve heard this. In fact, I think every year since Aroldis costumed himself as a giant cigar and smuggled himself in a humidor out of Cuba, there’s been rumblings that he will be in the rotation. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I went into TurboTax and entered the Marlins $100 million payroll going into last season, subtracted Jose Reyes, Hanley, Josh Johnson, Buehrle, Bonifacio, Buck, Infante, Gaby, Anibal, Heath Bell and Ozzie Guillen’s salary, then I added in Gorkys, Ruggiano, Giancarlo, Wade LeBlanc, Eovaldi, Jacob Turner, Adeiny Hechavarria and Yunel’s salary and it says the Marlins can get an EBT card for their cash assistance benefits. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
We laughed, we cried, we laughed and cried about Eric Hosmer. Take off your homemade aluminum hat that you wear so aliens can’t hear your thoughts and think back to March. You had that argument with your mom and you ran out of the house screaming, “I wish you were Evan Longoria!” Then when he went to the DL, you ran back into your house and screamed, “I love you Mom, can I move back into the basement?!” Then you streamed Philip Humber for his perfect game and you thought that this was a great time to change your hummingbird tattoo to a Humberbird tattoo complete with his likeness. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, James Shields yields 15 Ks, 1 run, but a win ain’t won. Murray Chass just bid a penny on the world’s smallest violin on eBay so he can play it just for Shields. Murray had this to say, “When men were gristled, and ladies were more gristled, we had a name for yellow-bellies like James Shields. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?