Hisanori Takahashi had a nearly identical line last night as his last start; 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. A) I’m chalking it up to his histrionic delivery. All of it. You baffle people who haven’t seen you when you throw the ball between your legs and shake your tukis afterwards. B) Did I just say tukis? Hey, I’m Eli Whiteside! C) He could continue to baffle people for a good couple of months. D) He plays in Metco. E) I can’t believe there was a D let alone an E. F) A long long way to run. G) He gets the Padres next. H) He’s in the NL on a team that can win some games. Why not own him? Seriously, grab him now. I) Am writing this. J) Buhner. K) There’s no K, there’s never a K. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 and a home run. Thank you, Lord. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Tillman will start Saturday for the Orioles. He’s yet another prospiñata for the Orioles. They’re fun to play with until they get the stuffing beat out of them by the Yanks, Sawx, Rays or Blue Ks. Before picking up Tillman, do me one favor. Ask Matusz’s owners how the experience has been owning him. Though since they’re probably your competition they may lie to you. Those bastards! Maybe you can ask Matusz yourself since he’s probably on your waivers. Can Tillman be lights out? I suppose. Is he worth a flier in 12 team leagues? Eh, if expectations are in check. You should proceed with caution. Or you can pull the ol’ “You gotta use your waiver claim, sucker” trick with Tillman. Let me explain the unfortunately named “You gotta use your waiver claim, sucker” trick. You grab Tillman off waivers, then the next day you drop him so someone (<– the sucker) uses their waiver claim to get roofied. Ah, yes. That stings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Frank Mata – Will Ohman seems to be the leading candidate for saves, but Mata’s a dark horse for saves (that’s not racist). He was the closer in Triple-A Norfolk, which is only slightly below the Orioles in the ESPN power rankings. I don’t think the O’s will/should throw Mata right into the fire, but they did that with Alfredo Simon, so there’s that. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot. Wanna know our trade luck? We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond. Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years? I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods. You smite my team while I give you love. I. Give. You. Love! Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday. Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk? Oh, yeah, I did. (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer. If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors. Crazy how far his power has disappeared. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Lima died yesterday at the age of 37 after suffering a major heart attack. In a career with its ups and downs, Jose was always entertaining. It’s as if he was part baseball player and part wrestler. It’s sadly ironic that he suffered the fate that many wrestlers have met in dying prematurely. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs. Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d. Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize. Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts. Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks. Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson. I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09. So sell fast right now? Not so fast, Paulo. I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason. Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine. Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in. Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year? Yup, you betcha. But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar. It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner. It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter. Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer. Unlike Nix. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore. Neither is a big surprise. Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot. Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away. The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady. Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem. I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news. As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic. He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return. Will he be effective on his return? What, I’m Nostradumbass? I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season. I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business. No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause. To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart. All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site. The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here. That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics. Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order. Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball. I see his point. You can’t chase after the ball. You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you. That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101. Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded. Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.” Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here. I don’t think he’s traded away. In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so. What are the Marlins going to do? Trade away their best player? As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.” Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded. Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year. That’s so Maybin! Please, blog, may I have some more?
Saul Rivera, who is surprisingly not related to Eli Whiteside, was acquired by the Diamondbacks. Big shakes, huh? Yeah, Rivera could get into the mix for saves. Another potential candidate for saves is… Wait for it… Here it comes… It’s here somewhere… Where are my notes… Oh, here they are… That’s my freakin’ shopping list, and I didn’t even spell minestrone right… Oh, here… Aaron Heilman! Not sure how the D-Backs are going to have a bullpen of Saul and Heilman. Sounds like the outtakes for Schlinder’s List. Saul walks 3 batters and turns the game over to Heilman. Heilman enters and says, “I pardon you, Saul.” Heilman will probably get exploited for being, well, not so good and having small fingers, but Qualls is close to getting removed from the closer role. Right now, Heilman’s the setup man and he gave up a run yesterday. The Diamondbacks also dropped Bob Howry. Why? Because. Oh, and there’s Juan Gutierrez. That’s not a closerousel, THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL! I’d own Qualls and Heilman. Gutierrez and I, we’re like Kramer vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
No, there’s probably no cast in Andre’s future. I’m not even sure they make casts small enough for the pinkie finger. That was Pingping‘s downfall, that and the chain smoking. After Andre Ethier broke a bone in his pinkie, he said something was seriously wrong. Seriously? You got a boo-boo on your pinkie! What, you can’t make shadow animals now? When he found out what it was, he said that it’s the leverage point of his swing and it would prevent him from holding the bat the way he normally does. Who’s leverage point is their freakin’ pinkie?! This is like the pea under the princess’s mattress. His biggest concern is probably how he can stick his pinkie out while drinking tea. Ethier could be out for a few weeks or he can play through it. So he’s damned if he does or a half dozen of the other… Or however that cliché goes. If it is his leverage point, you don’t want him playing through it. If he doesn’t play through it, he could be out at least a few weeks. And here I thought the only time Ethier and the word pinkie would be associated would be from this picture. Draw your own conclusions, but I’m guessing he’s in Key West. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chad Billingsley – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. What every pitcher needs, a trip to Petco. Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m bitter. I dropped Brennan Boesch in one league on Wednesday night for Russell Branyan. Branyan DNP yesterday. Boesch hit a homer off CC. All my ex-classmates at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston are going get on my case. That’s Waiver Wire 101, man! I’m chagrined. Please, blog, may I have some more?