Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery. This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs. Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there. At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy. Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you. Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it. Hopefully your options are better. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL. Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base. Hold on, whaaaaa??? Oh. Wait, what? If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves. Please, blog, may I have some more?
On May 23rd, Jason Heyward was scratched with a sore thumb. Seems harmless, right? As they say in Norway, “A-ha! (Best group ever.)” Turns out he has a strained ligament in his thumb and is headed to the DL. Member when I said I dropped him about a month or so ago? In your face fantasy baseball gods! (It was a shallow, no bench league, stop judging me for dropping Heyward. I can feel your stares.) Since May 23rd, Heyward has a line of 16/2/12/.210/2. If my math is right, that’s not a good month. No wonder he dodged the Strasburg bullet train last night. He’s scurred, Mystikal. Okay, I do really like Heyward, but this thumb injury could linger until the offseason. Not a great sign. He may not revisit his mollywhopping, pony stick ways until into The One-One. For those doing a bid in redraft leagues, DL him if you can and hope the rest helps his sucky thumb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Has a poor xFIP, a terrible K-rate and a meh walk rate. It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion! Please, blog, may I have some more?
If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia. As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot. My guess is 4 to 6 weeks. One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight. It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got. One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart. But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.” So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement. Some ways you can look for average? Aviles or Kendrick. Steals? Figgy or Theriot. RBIs? Barmes or Guillen. Runs? Walker or Polanco. All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that. Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder. He first felt discomfort on Wednesday. In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that… I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.” Now this sounds terrible, right? Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.” Wait, what? You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine. Oh, okay. This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong. You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Bob Feller told a story about how he once threw 117 MPH while urinating. He went on to talk about Triscuits and where he left his teeth. When he came back around to baseball, he said no one’s throwing a 1.15 ERA, even that guy with no hair. Once again, the old Feller has forgotten more than you could ever know. To paraphrase EPMD, last night Ubaldo Jimenez had his ERA tooken. He gave up 6 earned runs in 5 and two-thirds innings. It’s no crime to be hit by the Red Sox in Coors and you had to expect the ERA was going to come up at some point. All things considered, he K’d 7 and walked no one vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jimmy Rollins went 0-for-4 in his return from the DL. After the game, Charlie Manuel said… Actually, no one’s sure because he was chewing a piece of straw at the time. I wouldn’t just yet start blowing your vuvuzela at your TV set that’s broadcasting the Philly game expecting an explosive 2nd half from Rollins. J-Roll lost 16 steals from 2008 to 2009 and is now 31-years-old and on a bad set of wheels. He’s in a great place to succeed — the Philly lineup and hitter-friendly Citizens Flank. In a half a season, you may only get 10/15 with a .270 average. It’s nice, but this isn’t your slightly older brother’s NL MVP anymore. This is a guy that is one poor 2nd half away from plummeting in the shortstop rankings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jamie Moyer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. He attributes his success to how well he prepares for each opponent. Here he is checking the Indians’ scouting report. Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have. They’re talking about trading David Aardsma. Member when the M’s were going to be a contender? That was a fun two weeks in March. We were younger, you and I (hey!). You had more hair (hey-oh!). Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team? Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009? My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011? The Nationals. But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman! Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position. So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved. I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays. He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls). But what happens in Vegas, well, you know. Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie). I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling. Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues. Please, blog, may I have some more?
In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist. It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say. Hey, hey, hey. Wrists are tricky things for hitters. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September. If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him. Not literally, unless you have his permission. I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out. The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!” You tell them it’s a knockoff. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER. Corpas Christi! The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet. Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role. Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later. Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save. Cust kayin’. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alexei has a new comrade with Dayan Viciedo being called up by the White Sox. He’s the Latin 20, Cuban defector that has 240 pounds of baby fat, if, in fact, he is a baby. As I said back last November, “What I’d really like to see is a major leaguer go to Cuba to play. Kevin Youkilis grows out his beard another five inches, jumps in a raft and paddles to Havana. He tears up the Cuban Leagues on a steady diet of fastballs and plantains.” Wait, that quote had nothing to do with Dayan. Oh, here’s the quote, “In his first year of the minors at Double-A, he had a .317 OBP with 89 Ks to 23 walks. He can probably have success with this approach, because he do what he do. His line drive percentages went up in the 2nd half of the year, showing he was making better contact.” And that’s me quoting me! This year in Triple-A, he made progress. In 238 ABs, 30/14/34/.290/1. His Ks are still out of control with 52 in 62 games. Because of his position eligibility (3rd base, Serch), I grabbed him in a few leagues. I’d expect decent power (15 homers) and a mediocre average (.250) with little to no speed. On rookie 3rd basemen pickups, he’s below Pedro Alvarez for right now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Buehrle – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.” You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error? They should adopt this for major league managers. “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! Please, blog, may I have some more?