Fantasy Baseball Advice

Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey!  Okay, back to the quote).  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget.  I’m coming out of this quote.)”  And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely!  That’s what she said!  Wait, huh?  My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months.  You don’t go see Dr. Freeze for the lollipops.  Unless he’s removing your arm and giving you lollipop appendages.  “Hey, guys, stop calling me a Dum-Dum and I’m serious!”  We shall see on when Storen will return.  I’ve been preaching about Henry Rodriguez for about three weeks too.  He’s a wild cat.  Yesterday, he came in and seduced me with his filth, but left me sad and alone with the wild.  (The preceding was not an excerpt from my soon to be released western novel, “Saddle Up To My Stache.”)  If HanK-Rod is still out there, I’d grab him.  If Lidge is out there, I’d grab him too.  I’m pretty sure Davey will decide on one closer within the next week or so and you’ll be able to drop the guy not getting saves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  It’s a solid start, so I’m not gonna complain too much, which is obviously leading into me complaining.  Now, it’s the first start of the year for Anibal, couldn’t we have been happy with 6 strong innings and not sent him out there to give up two runs in the 7th?  Stupid Ozzie!  (By the way, I made “Stupid Ozzie” a shortcut on my computer.  Now whenever I type “St” it fills in the rest with Stupid Ozzie.)

Giancarlo Stupid Ozzie – Was scratched with knee pain.  The Marlins aren’t that concerned, but the Marlins also decided to put a giant sculpture of unicorn vomit in their outfield, so I’m not sure how much we should trust them.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with 2 homers, and now has 3 homers on the year.  Look at the Infante getting all grown up.  Who’s the big boy?  You’re the big boy.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with his 4th steal in 5 games.  Was actually kinda bummed I didn’t draft Bonifacio on any teams.  I was like three Phillie Blunts high on him when I did my rankings.  Oh, well, can’t get everyone I suppose, especially when Rudy refused to draft him on any of our teams.  *shakes fist* Rudy!

Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp.  Doesn’t Midol make something for that?

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Kazaam!

Jhoulys Chacin – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Worst thing you can do is overreact early on to one start or a few oh-fer’s.  With that said, Yo-Lease is a mess.  His velocity’s down, his walks are up, he’s probably dealing with an injury…. It’s what got Khalil Greene in the end, the Silent H is too much of a burden!  Yo-lease is up, move out!

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-4 yesterday as he was dropped from leadoff to the two hole.  The way he’s hitting the two hole may be appropriate figuratively, but he’s literally going to be in the eight hole soon.

Barry Zito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he threw his first shutout since 2003.  After the game, Zito celebrated with a dip in the jay-couz.  (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Daniel Bard – Red Sox reiterated that they want Bard as a starter.  We shall see how they feel after Bard’s start on Tuesday vs. the Blue Jays.  I’m putting the over/under for runs at 5 and the walks at 4.  Anyone want any action?

Alfredo Aceves – Threw a perfect inning to get the save.  For now, Red Sox Nation delayed their trip to Lake Tahoe with ‘fredo.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper could be activated for Tuesday.  He’s probably hoping to get in the lineup immediately, so he can get injured again by the weekend.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he held the heart of the Twins order to… Hmm, where is the heart of the Twins order?

Hector Noesi – 3 IP, 7ER and Yu Darvish (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks) as they combined to throw more hangers than Joan Crawford.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a homer as he whet someone’s appetite for dance.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-1 with a steal.  Since he wasn’t very good against lefties, Girardi is using a platoon with Andruw Jones and a Waterpik to get between his braces.  Firstly, Gardner still gets in the game and steals a base (the reason you have him).  Secondly, this platoon sticks if Gardner doesn’t hit.  Last year, he hit .194 in April and .233 vs. lefties, so maybe he’s doing us a favor.  Thirdly, the platoon only sticks if the Yankees’ old and wonky lineup stays healthy.  Fourthly, there’s no fourthly.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Zoinks!  The Ghost of Dave Duncan left a walkthrough for Jake and his friends to Escape from Great American Ballpark.

David Freese – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  I’ll admit that I’m surprised by Freese’s fast start.  I thought he was an Ecksteinian (which looks odd, but Ecksteinesque sounded weird in my head) type MVP and he’d go back to being a role player.  Now, he’s just looking like he’s on a roll, player!

Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  If you’re joining us late — where you been?!  You missed about 20,000 offseason words.  I’ll summarize.  Yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Bumgarner yadda ouch my Bum yadda Anibal and my Chris Sale fantasy.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Honestly, how long you think this Santiago thing is gonna last?  Two weeks?  Three weeks?  A month?  I’m thinking maybe three weeks.

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the past about Alvarez, “Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole lot of hitters.  In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher.  Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’m not a big fan, but he could have match-up potential.

Sergio Santos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners and the blown save.  Red light, Chinese fire drill, pick up Francisco Cordero, get back in the car, buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  He won’t have any Ks ever, which is usually a than, but no thans.  But he will help you with your ratios.  Yes, I’d grab him.  Yes, right now.

Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with a homer for The Purple Evolutionist.  His best month last year was April.  As Darwin will tell you, April is the beginning of all things (or at least baseball).

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 and a homer.  When you put ‘power upside’ into Google translator, it spits back “Anything but James Loney.  God, he annoys me.  You should try LaHair in deep leagues.  Now where’s my scotch?!” Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.

Brian Matusz – 4 IP, 4 ER.  How’s that momentum from his spring training going?

Matt Wieters – 4-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Matt Wieters Fact Number #367:  He once porked Boog Powell’s daughter while singing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.

Frank Francisco – Terry Collins said that Francisco is still dealing with some knee inflammation, but he should be fine.  If they need to rest him as the Mets go 162-0, they could turn to Jon Rauch or Miguel Batista, the poet laureate of baseball.  When Miguel Batista heard the news, he said, “Francisco’s on an un-mended knee… When Terry needs help, he’ll call me, sí… If Francisco’s on the shelf for a while and not feeling spry, then they’ll call Rauch, especially if that shelf’s high,” then Batista took off his Mets hat that had a feather in it and bowed.

There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet.  My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it?  Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.  As for the theorem, how much monkeying around does it take in Boston to get one Bard?  The Red Sox got the infinity part of the theorem right (Aceves’s ERA and WHIP), and they got what you usually get from a monkey and a typewriter… Crap thrown against a wall.  Mark Melancon’s ERA is 36.00 and WHIP is 5.00, which looks downright beautiful compared to Alfredo Aceves’s ERA and WHIP which are just letters — INF, and if you owned Aceves for fantasy you know the INF stands for I am Now F***ed.  To be, or not to be:  the real question is who will close for the Red Sox?  Bobby Valentine hinted they might go to Daniel Bard.  Valentine doth protest too much, methinks!  Of course, Bard should be the closer.  You mean the one pitcher with the stuff to close that is now in the rotation that doesn’t have starter stuff?  Over the last three years, Bard has the third most Holds, 213 Ks and 1.06 WHIP in 197 innings.  But no Holds, Bard, now.  Thine own self be true, and thine self is a closer.  Give him saves.  In the meanwhile, trattorias in Boston’s North End are adding Fedupfitzy Alfredo to their specials.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This Tigers/Red Sox series lived up its billing, and that billing was, “Both teams have one ace, then agita.”

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs yesterday and 8-for-14 in the series.  In related news, Vanity sang her big hit, Nasty Girl, at karaoke.

Max Scherzer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If Max Scherzer sounds like a character that Michael Chabon created, then yesterday the Nazis won.

Doug Fister – Off to the DL with a costochondral strain.  That’s what you get when you eat too many $1.50 hot dogs at Costco.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a homer.  On Saturday, 2 homers and 3 RBIs.  Now hitting .455, which coincidentally is his BAC.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Giants three-headed ace (Lincainbum?, Caincecumgarner?) didn’t fare so well in Arizona as the Giants’ petition to play their next series in Arizona in the Grand Canyon.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-10 this weekend with 5 Ks, as he was out-hit by his bench replacement Brett Pill (1-for-1 with a homer).  I’m not making excuses, but I think for Passover Brandon Belt was replaced by his Jewish doppelganger.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with a homer and no broken ankles.

Aaron Hill – Homered twice on Saturday.  Love to see him combine his crazy homer year of 2009 and crazy steal year of 2011.  Imagine 36 homers and 21 steals from Aaron Hill.  Will take a whole lotta tryin’ to just get up that Hill.

Bryan Shaw – Got the save yesterday since Putz recorded saves in the first two games of the season.  Nothing to see here, the Diamondbacks just aren’t jerking around with their Putz.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 2nd and 3rd homers yesterday.  I’m Eskimo-kissing Jay Bruce on all of my fantasy teams.

Zack Cozart – 1-for-3 yesterday and hit a homer on Saturday as he bats .545.  You don’t want to know what I’m doing to Cozart on all my fantasy teams.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he joined every reliever in major league baseball and blew the save.  Why do I feel like 2012 is the year we all do Chinese fire drills on closers?

Chris Perez – Got the save yesterday after I got to the red light, ran around the car, grabbed Pestano and got back in the car.  I’m sure we’ll hit another red light by Wednesday.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with 2 homers.  I don’t own Carlos Santana anywhere, but as long as he’s not doing duets with Rob Thomas I’m happy.

Corey Hart – 3 HRs over the weekend.  Shame on those of you who didn’t get the memo that he does really well overcoming spring training injuries in even years.

Ryan Braun – Homered on Sunday.  The homer is under review because it was postmarked on Friday.

Fernando Rodney – 2 outs, 2 saves over the weekend.  First Farnsworth, now Rodney.  Joe Maddon is like the Crappy Reliever Whisperer.

B.J. Upton – Expected to return April 20th.  Just think, if the Rays were married to this then they’d have to a wait a lot longer for a B.J.

Carlos Pena – Hit his second homer of the weekend yesterday.  He’s the kind of player that hits 7 homers in 10 games, then 20 Ks in 5 games, so get in while the gettin’ in is good.

Jeremy Hellickson – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Pitched a superb game for the “Grey Says He Hates These Guys, Let’s Make Grey Look Wrong” team.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Here’s me yesterday, “Hey, Minor’s through 3 innings with 5 Ks and only one run.  Finally, one of my pitchers is performing.  It’s about time.  I won’t look back at this game, so I don’t jinx it.”  That No-Look/No-Jinx worked out perfectly!  I will now stick my head in the oven.

Lucas Duda – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  Oh, what a Duda day.

Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he switched bodies with Gio Gonzalez, Madison Bumgarner, Matt Cain and Yovani Gallardo.  Not cool, Jason Hammel, not cool at all.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks making his mom, Jo Anne, so proud and me, since he was, like, the only pitcher that I liked that did well this first weekend.  On a serious note, don’t throw out the baby with the fantasy team.  There’s only three games played for most teams.  You want your pitchers to come out and pitch well, but Bumgarner, for instance, had an ERA over 6 last April.  Gallardo’s ERA was also over 6 last April.  You can’t win your league in April, but you can lose it by overreacting.  Chillax is the portmanteau of the day.

Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Pitched a terrific game until Rex Brothers blew it for him.  Last time, I buy furniture from him.

Wilin Rosario – Homered in his first start of the year.  Can we get someone to Gillooly Ramon Hernandez?

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Triceps issue behind him, and now unto bigger and better injuries like shoulders and obliques!

Eric Hosmer – Homered in back-to-back games this weekend and had the always-delicious slam & legs on Easter Sunday.  Guessing Moustakas is waiting until next Sunday to do the same.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Way to show up to the party 12 months late.

Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looking for someone that can come out of nowhere and be valuable?  Here ya go.

Jeff Samardzija – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Someone already grabbed Lance Lynn, but you’d prefer a guy with a last name you can’t pronounce?  You’re in luck!

Matt Kemp – ESPN reported, Kemp homered on Sunday to extend his hitting streak to 16 games.  Huh?  Did the Dodgers and Padres play back-to-back-to-back quintupletheaders?

Dustin Moseley – To the DL with a strained right shoulder.  What an odd thing to find in your colander.

Chase Headley – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer in Petco and equaling his Petco homer output from last year.  Chase “Doing Just Enough To Stay Rostered on Your Fantasy Teams” Headley.

Hector Santiago – With heat from the fantasy baseball community and Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura finally relented and decided on Hector Santiago to close, saying Thornton will maintain his 8th inning role.  Not sure why it took so long for Ventura to say that.  It’s like the White Sox manager hat is The Mask.

You smell that?  No, not your armpits.  That’s Opening Day.  The real thing this time!  I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee.   I love you!  I want to touch baseball’s boobies!  They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!  I am gushing over baseball’s boobies!  Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue.  Good call, Random Italicized Voice.  Embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences?  It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management.  “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors.  You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!”  That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid.  (The last part isn’t a lie.  You can use Google, if you don’t believe me.  I understand; the Internet made me cynical too.  I blame you, Al Gore!)  Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences.  Where’d they put the center field fence?  Cuba?  It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park.  They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences.  You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita.  We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium.  I got one idea, Unicornco.  Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third.  Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal.  This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball.  Old players get off to fast starts.  I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet.  Their legs are still fresh.  You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc.  There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run.  A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth.  I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.

Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks.  Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57.  Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits.  Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd.  Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.

Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.

Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers.  Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer.  Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer.  To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what?  Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game.  He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty.  It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there.  Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.

Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.”  And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.”  The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern.  I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?

Sean Rodriguez – Named the Rays starting shortstop…. And he’ll probably be benched at least twice a week unless he becomes a hot schmotato.

Jed Lowrie – Astros’ GM said he would wait until Friday to decide on whether or not he was going to DL Lowrie.  Sounds like even the Astros’ GM doesn’t own Lowrie in fantasy.

Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter.  Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.

Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago.  This is ridiculous.  The season’s started already, name someone!  No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him.  As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain.  I have little to no confidence in that order.  So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”

Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind.  First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster.  Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads.  Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one.  Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.  The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.  Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.  2012 Projections:  70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)”  And that’s me getting very excited about Belt!  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting.  I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that.  Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”

Kyle Farnsworth is headed to the DL.  You know who called this one?  No one.  Geez, closers are dropping like it’s hot and they’re from the North Pole and can’t handle the heat.  Hmm, that wasn’t so pithy.  In the last week, we’ve lost Madson, Storen, Andrew Bailey, Frank Francisco.  Though we got back Frank Francisco, Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Lidge, Henry Rodriguez, Sean Marshall, Melancon, Aceves, Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P. Howell and Fernando Rodney.  It’s like a two-for-one trade-in deal where you give in a Rolls Royce and get back two doodie bubbles.  “Doctor, my closers are all in the red!”  “I don’t know if I can help.  I’m just a doctor who studied at Harvard Medical School and was a Rhodes Scholar and other important scholarly pursuits.  I’m not Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario.  Or FML.”  That’s a convo I overheard recently.  For saves, tell Aetna that you want me.  The shituation in Tampa Bay is pretty murky, but it sounds like Farnsworth is gonna miss a lot of time.  The issues he’s having he had last September.  You don’t usually go six months with recurring elbow pain as a pitcher, unless your name is Joey Devine.  Peralta would be my first grab, in the non-sexual way.  He had saves last year in Farnsy’s absence; he should get saves this year.  My second grab would be Lovey and Thurston Howell’s son, J.P.  He could see the majority of the situational saves since he’s a lefty.  Then I’d grab Jake McGee because he’s the closer of the future and he has a cool name.  Sounds like a character Mel Gibson would’ve played back in the early 90′s before he hated Jews and sobriety.  Finally, I could see Fernando Rodney sneaking into the save picture because he has that ever elusive closer experience, but his experience is rotten with stank, so I wouldn’t grab him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce the 4th podcast in the (greater than 3) series.  During this podcast, the winner of our theme song contest is announced.  The winner should comment with their contact info.  Anyway II, here’s the podcast and roundup:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Frank Francisco – Will be fine for Opening Day, according to the Mets doctors.  Damn, almost said that with a straight face.  No, seriously, he should be fine… Dah!  Again, I tried.  Do with that info what you will.  Let’s just say, I would’ve dropped Parnell or Rauch for Peralta or Melancon, but I wouldn’t drop the Mets set-up men just for s’s and g’s.

Andrew Bailey – Headed for surgery as Bailey’s Party of Five fingers received terrible news.  He’ll be out for 3 to 4 months, at least.  I’d add Melancon and Aceves, in that order.  For more, click –> Andrew Bailey fantasy or scroll down.  No, your other down.

Drew Storen – Hmm… This is just all closer news all the time here, huh?  Sounds like Storen should be fine by mid-April, but I’ll believe it when I see him record five saves in a row.  Sorry, I’m a cynic.

John Lannan – This is funny to me, and by that I mean not really funny, all spring the Nats were trying to trade Lannan.  They didn’t find any takers — shocker! — so they said they would put him in their rotation.  Now they optioned him to the minors.  Here’s what actually went down, the Nats, “We decided we don’t want to trade Lannan, we won’t him in our rotation.”  Then thinking they shut off the mic, “Hopefully clubs will want to trade for him now that we said he’s good enough to be in our rotation.  Otherwise, I’ll just run him over with my… Wait, does this red light mean the mic is on or off?”

Jose Bautista – Has mild groin soreness, which sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn star.  Bautista should be fine for Opening Day.

Brett Cecil – Was sent down to Double-A New Hampshire, whose team motto is “Pitch Well Or Die.”

Felix Hernandez – Was throwing 89-90 MPH last week and said, “Really, it’s Spring Training, man.  I’m fine.  I was trying to be like Jamie Moyer.”  That quote makes me love F-Her.

Tsuyoshi Wada - Headed to the 15-day DL.  But I hardly Tsuyoshinoya.

Daniel Descalso – Will start at second base for the Cards on Opening Day, after Tyler Greene was announced as the starter.  I thought La Russa retired.  This is liable to be a timeshare, so whoever owns these two players will have high member fees.

Alfredo Simon – Signed by the Reds.  The Reds were excited to have a righty in their bullpen, saying, “Finally, we have someone that can murder lefties.”

Adam Dunn – Robin Ventura said he’s leaning towards Dunn in the three hole, saying, “Even though he might strike out a little bit…”  That’s like saying, “I’m going with sandpaper in the two hole even though it may scratch a bit.”

Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor.  He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today.  That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills.  Of course you need surgery.”   My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months.  When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.”  Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for.  It’s a state of mind!  Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential.  Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all?  He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves.  He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada).  The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves.  I’m not sure how much I believe it.  If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves).  If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple.  This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday.  Ah, the Mets and their injuries.  The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm?  Frank² had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?”  He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity!   Only issue is unless your league has a category for the number of things a pitcher can reach off a top shelf, Rauch may be useless.  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from the movie Role Models, could end up with the bulk of the saves.  Then there’s Ramon Ramirez, who insists you not call him Ram-Ram, not that there’s anything wrong with a little Ram-Ram… Basically, the Mets are a shizzshow closerousel that could get you sick to your stomach.  I grabbed Rauch in one league, Parnell in another league and think one of them will get the majority of the saves in April for the Mets.  Either could run with the job longer too.

Jason Bay – If he struggles in the season, the Mets said they could platoon him.  Not even joking here, but I think this the first bit of Mets front office news I’ve agreed with since they fired A.J. Mass from his Mr. Met job.

Sam Fuld – Out 4 to 5 months with wrist surgery.  Will give Fuld plenty of time to hunt wabbits.

Sean Marshall – Named Cincy closer.  I could’ve told you that last week, and I’m not even reading tea leaves, especially not chunky Betty Draper’s.

Aroldis Chapman – Will stay in the bullpen as a setup man for Marshall.  I wonder if Aroldis would’ve signed in Cincy if he would’ve known he’d be stuck in the bullpen for his whole career.  Coming from Cuba, he should’ve known he wasn’t going to get any say in the matter with the Reds.

Tyler Colvin – Someone grabbed Colvin in my NL-Only draft during the free round and everyone groaned.  Colvin is a whole lot of nothing right now, but prepare for Fowler to get benched a game here and there and Colvin to get a chance.  If he does well with those chances, Colvin will be a hot add everywhere.

Josh Beckett – Has a thumb injury, but shouldn’t miss his first start.  Beckett did go to Texas to get it checked out.  I’m guessing he didn’t hitchhike.

Carlos Lee – Ken Rosenthal reported that Lee can block trades to 14 teams this year.  With 18.5 million still going to Lee, 29 teams are hoping they’re one of the 14.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit a home run yesterday and finished with a .196 average.  Spring training numbers mean nothing, but I wouldn’t be shocked if this Cuban raftee sees an average around .200 this year.

Randall Delgado – Won the fifth rotation spot for the Braves.  As of right now, Delgado doesn’t look like he’s going to pitch well or past May 1st when Hudson returns.  Last year, he had an ERA of 2.83 in 7 games started, but a hideous K-rate, walk rate and xFIP.  I’m worried about his walk rate and K-rate dropping as he moves up to a new level.  Right now, I wouldn’t risk it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Tyler Pastornicky – Hey, the clergyman that Carmella made out with was named the Braves starting shortstop.  I went over my Pastornicky fantasy already.  I wrote it while being disappointed by the Worst Cooks in America finale.

Roger Bernadina – Nursing a right knee contusion, but should be fine for Opening Day.  Yesterday, in VinWins’ post about RCL trends, I was surprised to see Bernadina wasn’t drafted at all.  Not that I need to explain myself to you, but there’s gonna be a post later today from Rudy that is gonna blow your mind.  Let’s just say, just when you thought my mustache couldn’t get any fuller, it just did.

Jesus Montero – Was escorted off the field after getting beaned in the back of the helmet.  After the game, Wedge said he’s okay, it got him “in the fat part of the helmet.”  Then Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign demanding helmets of any size are treated the same, then Michelle Obama started a helmet nutrition program and the fat helmet lost weight and wasn’t nearly as funny.