After seeing Edwin Jackson pitch yesterday, I felt as happy as this guy on the inside. I ran around my block yelling “Yuuuuupppp” like Dave Hester in Storage Wars. I went to Coldstone Creamery and got a low fat sundae that had 2700 calories and I ate it (with extra jimmies)! Yesterday, Jackson’s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners and 13 Ks. He’s now 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA and 20 Ks in 14 innings. Giddy up, snitches! Sure, like I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size, but I liked Jackson throughout the preseason. Wanna see where I wrote my Edwin Jackson fantasy in sparkle dust? Click on that link-a-ma-thingie. Right now, Jackson is owned in 29.1% of ESPN leagues. Even when you consider 40% of all ESPN leagues are already abandoned, it’s still too low. BTW, if other fantasy sites tell you to pick up Edwin Jackson now, tell them to go eff themselves, Razzball told you back in January. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lastings Milledge – White Sox designated him for assignment. That assignment is to stop sucking. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.” First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix. I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun. Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use. The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer. He’s now hitting .500 on the year. If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year. Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels. The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names. Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names. (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!) (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.) Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves. Seems like a Neftali-type situation. Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney. Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems). By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kendrys Morales – Took BP. Where? To court for the oil spill? *rereading news report* Oh! Batting practice. That’s a good sign. If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar. No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Narveson, his name makes me think of the insurance guy from Groundhog Day. Am I right or am I right-right? His name also would sound good recited by Chris Cornell. Chris Narveson, won’t you come and wash away the rain? Won’t you come. Won’t you come. Narveson was in my top 80 starters. Let’s see what I said there, “Hmm… I don’t remember and I’m too lazy to click on the link to the actual blurb. No one actually reads stuff I quote from myself so I’m gonna pretend I just explained Narveson to a T.” And that’s me quoting me! Yesterday, he had the line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s also 29 years old, so I’d preach a bit of caution. He’s good for Ks (7+ K/9), dangerous on walks and around a 4.00 ERA starter in the NL. So that’s good, meh, serviceable. In any league deeper than 12 team, he should be owned. In 12 team leagues, I’d take the flyer where I had room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 4 games. On one hand, I’d sell him. On the other hand, who are you selling him for? On my third lesser known hand, I’m wearing a puppet while talking out of the corner of my mouth. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury. He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47. Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about. Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge. For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you. BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES? Seriously, modern medicine step up your game! There’s gotta be something that we can do. Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area? If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries. This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez. Great, that eases my pain. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy? Isn’t this an outpatient procedure? My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness. Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players! I own some of you in fantasy. Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days. Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish. I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks. It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back. The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead. Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell. Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak. Here’s hoping I make it through this post! Baseball: you make me feel like the only girl in the world! Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me! Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second. I’m as excited as you, see? Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you. Still, don’t overrate one day of stats. Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen. We’re only one game in. Please keep shizz in perspective. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities. Or Capportunities. Please, blog, may I have some more?
ESPN tells me the Yankees and Red Sox seasons are about to begin. I’m gonna infer it’s Opening Day for the entire league since my six month egg timer is buzzing, my closet gimp is mumbling, “Baseball time…Baseball time…” and my desktop widget of Ron Jeremy shooting fireworks over Petco is exploding. At least I think those are fireworks shooting across my computer monitor. Spring has sprung, snitches! Bask in that for a moment. Okay, moment over. Brandon Belt is going to start at first for the Giants. Ain’t that the meow’s cat? I really thought the Giants would hold off until June with Belt. With this Belt news, everyone seems to be *pinkie to mouth* panting. He’s still pretty raw in terms of his time in the high minors. Though I wouldn’t let that stop me from adding him. You take the flyer for the upside because if he pans out, he’ll be worth a lot more in name value. To go with a current 1st baseman who is around his level, between Moreland and Belt, Moreland will have better stats but Belt will have better name appeal for now. I’d give Belt the line of 60/15/70/.270/8. There’s room for more, and there’s room for a lot less. A lot less would be Belt struggling for the first month, Ross returning and Belt being demoted. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball:
Jake McGee – Rays kept him for their bullpen. This shituation should be a closerousel all year until McGee wins the job. Now whether he wins the job by May or August is the pickle. I think it’s by June/July to get all hedgy on you. My over/unders are Farnsworth with 20 and McGee with 15 saves. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Bay has a strained intercostal, which is the highway that runs along Florida’s coast. Specifically, by Palm Beach where people are old and this strained whatever-the-shizz-is happens. If you were counting on a bounce back from J-Bay, you might want to count to yourself so you don’t annoy your cubicle neighbor. (Neighboricle? Who might’ve also been the person who lived next to that nice black lady in The Matrix.) These injuries tend to linger — see Braun, Ryan for further reading — and Bay already had Metco and age to deal with. I’m not optimistic about him being at full strength until May and even then I have my doubts about how much we’re gonna see from him. Rudy and I are betting Scott Hairston sees time in our deep leagues, but Duda could, as well. Though I wouldn’t Camptown Race to pick him up. Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Encarnacion – Will start at 3rd base with Bautista moving to the outfield. Encarnacion is a Latin 28, and I have little faith in him hitting over .260 but he could hit 25 homers with everyday ABs. The only problem he seems to ever have is staying healthy. The way randoms come out of the woodwork to hit bombs in Toronto every year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this year it’s Edwin’s turn. Not saying he’s going to hit 50 homers like some schmohawk, but if he hit 30 homers in 500 ABs it wouldn’t surprise me. Please, blog, may I have some more?
From human trafficker to Rangers fifth starter, Alexi Ogando throws gas. (Maybe that’s how he got caught trafficking humans. He was mule-ing a human in his colon and accidentally threw gas. Not sure.) I say, mootie lootie doo to all of that, which means nothing, though it might in another language. Once an outfielder, but Ogando’s no herbathrowdite. Ogando tops out at 97 MPH, strikes people out and throws ground balls. That’s a yes, please and thank you. Unfortunately, he has a few things going against him. His home park, his control and he has no experience starting in the major leagues. In AL-Only leagues, I’d absolutely take a flyer to see if he can run with the rotation spot and force his way into the rotation even after Hunter returns. In mixed leagues, I’m taking a wait and see approach. In general, getting roofied is no fun, but it feels like it hurts more in April. Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:
Mat Latos – Will start the year on the DL. Thanks a Latos, Mat! That’s you. I told you yesterday to trade him for sixty-five cents on the dollar. I might lower that to fifty-five cents today. It could be thirty-five cents by mid-April. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Please, blog, may I have some more?