There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet. My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it?Please, blog, may I have some more?
You smell that? No, not your armpits. That’s Opening Day. The real thing this time! I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee. I love you! I want to touch baseball’s boobies! They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kyle Farnsworth is headed to the DL. You know who called this one? No one. Geez, closers are dropping like it’s hot and they’re from the North Pole and can’t handle the heat. Hmm, that wasn’t so pithy. In the last week, we’ve lost Madson, Storen, Andrew Bailey, Frank Francisco.Please, blog, may I have some more?
And we have our first Disgraceful List of the season and the season hasn’t even started yet (really). I hate to say I told you so, so (stutterer!) instead, I’ll just quote the relevant text from earlier this preseason, “(Michael Pineda) is young so there’s plenty of time to see how well he adjusts.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up. I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now. When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Madson has to have Tommy John surgery. Luckily, he signed with a Dusty Baker-managed team as the trainers have a lot of experience diagnosing busted arms. Sean Marshall will likely take over the closing gig, spurring indie comedy fans in Cincy to bring Sean Of The Red signs to games.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Bourgeois was traded to Royals with Humberto Quintero. Fun fact: Did you know Humberto Quintero weighs exactly a quarter more than Humberto Quadtero? When the trade was announced, Bourgeois said he’d once and for all bring down the tyrannical rule of the Royals and restore a society where Lorenzo Cain lost 75 to 100 at-bats and The Guido Playing 2nd Base lost 100 at-bats.Please, blog, may I have some more?