Not sure if you’ve noticed but last year’s ROY runner-up, Jason Heyward, has been AWFUL in May – 2 for 28 with 13 Ks. Now it comes out that he’s got a sore shoulder and his right hand and forearm have become uncomfortably numb. Hopefully they can give him just a little pin prick that will make him feel better. Best case is he misses a couple days. Worst case is amputation via tomahawk. I think he can avoid the worst case but you never know…Heyward….Hey Ward, something’s wrong with the Beaver. Ward and Beaver’s last name was Cleaver. Cleaver is the white man term for tomahawk…..oh oh whoa-a-ho!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms. Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman. You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s. I break your back! Make you humble! And… Well, you can watch the video yourself. It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot. From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos. He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways. Okay, that was a long sidebar. As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else. Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns. I say, it’s early May and things will change. To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.” All these buckets of rain! I love that song. Okay, moving on.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated. BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out! And invest in Microsoft! Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers. Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile. Smiles are totally underrated. You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13. I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Later, Hawai’ian. Hello, Eric Hosmer. Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!” In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs. Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A. Bye, A! The average has been great too. He looks like Votto to me. To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year. He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you! If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it. He’s just a bit too raw. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere. You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk. Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call. Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today. Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff. They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get. Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way. Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team? He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC. Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything. His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out. I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jonathan Broxton is out with elbow pain. Andre Ethier is out with an inflammed elbow. Since Casey Blake has a staph infection in his elbow, him, Broxton and Ethier must’ve rubbed elbows. It’s an idiomatic joke! Dodgers Fever. Take some penicillin! If this elbow thing was being passed around the Dodger clubhouse any quicker….Alyssa Milano would get royalties! Ah, you knew that was coming. That’s what Alyssa said! With regards to junk-in-his-trunk Broxton, I’d grab Padilla then Kuo. I think both should be rostered in every league for right now. Wouldn’t be surprised if this week it’s Padilla then Kuo takes over for two months. In deep leagues, I’d even grab Kenley. He should be back shortly. As for Andre the non-Giant, he should be fine, but he’s been known to take a 15-day stint at a Beverly spa now and again. BTW, yesterday, Jay Gibbons hit 3rd. He can’t even see! The Dodgers first three hitters were Gwynn Jr., Aaron Miles and Gibbons. I’d rather have Cincy’s Triple-AAA lineup with Sappelt, Frazier, Alonso and Mesoraco. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now at a 4.93 ERA on the year. Just as I drew it up when I drafted him to be my not-so-flashy-but-solid contributor to my fantasy teams. Maybe I spent too much time breathing in the air in Port-a-Johns when I was younger, but I think Lilly’s still gonna end the season with a 3.70 ERA.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let’s all give Scott Sizemore a big “Welcome back.” Well… Let’s give him a medium-sized “Welcome back…” Screw it! Let’s give him a quick “Hey” and a head nod like you give to your sister’s boyfriend that you can’t stand. It’s not like he’s done all that much in his short time in the majors, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — who else are you rocking at your middle infidel spot? Sizemore was hitting in the minors (.408/.495/.605 and 2 homers in 92 PAs). It’s worth the flyer to see if he can translate minor league success to the majors. Who knows? Now that bin Laden’s listening to Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits in hell, maybe Sizemore can get his bats through customs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Freese – He’s gonna miss nine to twelve weeks. Or the same amount of time it takes to get a 4-year degree from the University of Phoenix.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone. When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place. He couldn’t. Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job. Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties. Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it. So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab. His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further. It’s not a good day to own Sandoval. Yesterday wasn’t very good either. Tomorrow probably won’t be much better. Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point. When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen. Why does he have an anus in his stomach?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ben Zobrist had a pretty good day yesterday. A double slam and legs and 10 RBIs. Zobrist’s wife, an aspiring singer of Christian pop music, wrote a song about Zobrist’s day called, “The Day The Lord Shined His Lovelight On Ben.” Its B-side is “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.” Both are pretty catchy. Kirk Cameron would rock them on his iPod. He’d unironically say, “Holy smokes! These are awesome!” Zobrist had a great day, doesn’t mean he’s the meow’s cat. His value may never be higher if you’re thinking you’d like to trade him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Casey Kotchman – Hit his first home run of the year as he went Mono y Mano with the pitcher.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run. Say that fast 117 times! Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire! See what I did there?! Did you see?! Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious. Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment. (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary. Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels. It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.) If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak. Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own. The lost Smoak monster is found! (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him. As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer. Hmph. The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week. Hmph. Hmph. Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee. Hmph. Hmph. Hmph. Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs? All those hmphs up in your trunk? Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore. Got all that? Glad one of us does. I’d own Broxton and Kuo. Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal. I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…
Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm. Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.Please, blog, may I have some more?