Mike Moustakas was called up! No, he wasn’t! Yeah, he was, random italicized voice, why are you giving me a hard time? Keeping you honest. Since nothing’s changed since last time I went over him but the date, here’s what I said in the offseason, “Last year, he spent time at Double and Triple-A. Not at the same time, that would be some Multiplicity shizz. In 484 ABs, he hit 36 homers and batted .322. As they say in Moustakas’ home country, “Wow.” (He’s from L.A.) Then they would throw a glass into the fireplace and spray some Windex. This past year saw Moustakas named the Texas League Player of the Year, which is more prestigious than the Koo Koo Roo Employee of the Year, but only barely. As his skipper said, “(Moustakas) missed the first 16 games of the season and by midseason he was leading the league in all the categories. And where’s Gilligan?!” And that’s me quoting me! This year, more of the same. In 55 games, 10 home runs. I’ll conservatively give him 40/15/50/.280 in 275 at-bats. He’s a pick up in every league for his eligibility alone. To get all Iliad on you, it’s Moustakas of Troy that launched a thousand homers. It’s also no accident that my iPhone wanted to autocorrect “Moustakas of Troy” into moistened trousers.Please, blog, may I have some more?
News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month. Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters. Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon. You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly. We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw! If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback. Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August. It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about. No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater. No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co.Please, blog, may I have some more?
After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi. Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field. That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine. Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee. You feel me? Yeah, you do. Now stop touching me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles. BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery. Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery. Silly me. “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!” That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery. Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not. He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter. I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson. I’m sure that’s his main concern. “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.” That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years. I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away. Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect. Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Anyone who’s read this site for a minute — an urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows I have love for Adam Lind. In an age when the home run is scarce — wow, that sounded like a Ken Burns voiceover — Lind has big time power. I’m a fan. Have the pin that reads, “Lind-a-want-stats!” Sorry, that’s a square pun in a round hole. Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 2 homers in his 2nd game back from the DL. He can still get 30 homers and hits in the heart of a solid order. I wouldn’t be scared of him, he might just do his best not-this-season Dunn impression. BTW, Bautista hasn’t hit a homer in 7 games, what a loser! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Shin-Soo Choo – Says DUI is affecting play. Assuming he doesn’t have to drive relievers in from the bullpen, I say just start drinking before games again.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Actually, the title’s completely inaccurate. I don’t rock rough or anything with Aubrey Huff. I think he’s one of the few players in the major leagues that I’ve never owned anywhere. Sometime you gotta give me a call and let me know what it’s like to own him, loyal Razzball reader. Um, yeah, my number’s listed. Under mustache. Speaking of which, is there anything sadder than the people who call you to see if you got a Yellow Pages? Not only am I not sure why they still make Yellow Pages, but calling to find out if I got it? Really? Are they calling from 1987? Hey, go see the movie Wall Street, it’s great! So, Aubrey Huff hit three homers and drove in 6. In the last two games, four homers.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury. C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years! Have a scotch and get in the lineup! John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups. Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out. That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie. Different things. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain. Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday. Yay! He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year. Because he’s a big, fat liar. He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future. There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale. He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad. Well, I guess that makes sense. And now you’re making me look stupid?! I hate you, Morneau. Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada. They’ll treat you for free there! These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau. Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Joakim Soria lost the closer job yesterday to Aaron Crow. Yeah, and pigeons fly. Wait, they do. Wait II, The Return of Wait, maybe that makes sense. Yeah, I think it does. Thank you, left side of the brain for working with the right side. Glad you’re talking again. You guys rock! The ax falling on The Mexicutioner was a long time coming. He only had one save in May and had given up 7 runs in 9 1/3 IP. He wasn’t much better in April. In June, he could get the job back. Your deity of choice knows that Aaron Crow isn’t really all that great but he is the guy for right now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alfonso Soriano – With yesterday’s game with a strained quad. He’ll probably go to the DL by the time you read this, assuming you dinnit stay up to read this at 12:26 AM PST when it was posted. (BTW, Didn’t and I went our separate ways. It’s now dinnit or bust. Don’t, you’re on notice!)
Tony Campana – Yesterday, he had 4 steals (on only one hit!). I’d like to introduce Campana to my right clickie finger that picks players off waivers. In the minors, he showed bonkers speed.Please, blog, may I have some more?
While Ed Wade was sleeping off his hangover on Saturday, his Toupee decided to mix things up and actually give Astros fans something to be excited about. (This is excluding Carlos Lee’s riveting chase to be the 83rd player with 350 home runs.) The Astros number one prospect, Jordan Lyles, will take over Wandy’s rotation spot. So the Astros bring up Lyles, but do I Lovett? His K-rate has been pretty poor in Triple-A, but spots his pitches pretty well without overpowering– Burp. Sorry, meant to write gas, not pass it. He’s not worth grabbing in most mixed leagues, but he’s the kind of guy that could be a game changer in NL-Only leagues where waiver wire adds are a mix of yawnstipating and down right atrocious. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Wandy Rodriguez – The Wandwagon fell off the tracks and heads to the DL with fluid in his elbow. I wonder if the fluid is acai berry juice, that’s packed with antioxidants! He should implant a straw into his elbow and drink it.Please, blog, may I have some more?