Fantasy Baseball Advice

Stephen Strasburg returned yesterday in case you’re living under a rock that doesn’t get the MLB package.  Reminds me of a line Selig uses on his wife, “Hey, baby, wanna see the MLB package?”  What can I say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before?  That he stinks.  That hasn’t been said before.  It’s also not true; probably why it hasn’t been said before.  He can translate Pig Latin into Ancient Sumerian.  That’s never been said before.  Also, not true, but whatevs.  If Strasburg is available in your league, I’m guessing you’re in a ten team league where it’s you vs. nine alias you made up.  Hey, whatever it takes to win, right?  But if he’s available, grab him.  I imagine he’ll be fine this year if a bit more hype than is actually warranted.  I mean, in roto leagues, is he really changing your ratios that are from 1300 innings with twenty of his own innings?  No, probably not.  Oh, and he threw five shutout innings in last night’s game.  Yeah, he’s good.  Well, that’s been said before.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the roundup, just wanted to say our fantasy football site has been getting updated, but sometimes when you switch servers (as we did last week), it takes a bit for your browser to clear cache or cookies or something that I don’t fully understand.  The site should be up to date now.  If it’s not showing a post newer than last week, please tell me in the comments.  Thanks, friend.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3 in his return.  Before his hammy/oblique injuries, he was knocking seeds all over the field like an Amish farmer after a 12-pack of Red Bull.

Kosuke Fukudome – When he gets hot, he gets scorching and he now has homers in two consecutive games.  Roll out the red carpet!  And I’m not referring to Joan from Mad Men.

Carlos Carrasco – Will miss all of 2012 with Tommy John surgery.  A representative of the Mayans said, “You ain’t gonna miss anything.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Said he will return on September 13th.  I don’t care.  I mean, I care enough to not care, if that makes sense.  Choo’s hurt me this year!  My wounds are fresh!  I’m thinking of taking him to small claims court where this Indians middle reliever, who came in after Hagadone, will be presiding.

Fausto Carmona – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Seems odd to make a deal with the devil and tell him you don’t need his help after September 5th.

Drew Pomeranz – Will make his MLB debut on Sunday vs. the Reds.  So why do you care?  I’m not sure.  Maybe you’re related to Pomeranz.  Hey, Stew Pomeranz, thanks for reading!  Pomeranz was a first round pick in 2010 and has a 1.78 ERA in his first 20 pro starts with a big time K-rate.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s very young and will start his home games in Coors.  In deep keepers, sure, take a flyer with him for your bench.  Everyone else, I’d let the schmohawk in your league who wears a jersey of a team he doesn’t like to the draft to throw everyone off take the risk.  You know, the guy too smart for his own good.

Rickie Weeks – Could return this weekend.  Or The Weeknd, if you’re into R&B.

Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K.  You know what Porcello is good for?  Inconsistency and no Ks.  Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts, Rakim.

Brett Myers – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 6 Ks.  Last time Myers had a four-hitter he ended up with a restraining order.

Jeff Niemann – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Fellow -mann’s, Jordan and Horace, are none too impressed and neither am I.  Frank Herrmann, “Don’t forget me!”  Who are you?

C.J. Wilson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remind me to never doubt a reliever turned starter.  Seriously, make Kevin Gregg a starter and he’ll have a 2.00 ERA.

David Murphy – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  The other day I said something like Murphy goes through stretches where he should be owned in all leagues.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.93 on the year and a 1.19 WHIP.  Seems like he’s gotten so good that he’s taken for granted and forgotten when the best pitchers in baseball are talked about.  Then again, I try not to watch ESPN, where they probably have 30 minute segments during each Sportscenter about Sawx pitchers.

Josh Beckett – Turns out he had an ankle sprain, then he didn’t have an ankle sprain and now he has one again.  One thing he definitely doesn’t have is a decisive doctor.   Beckett will miss one start and he’s downgrading Al Bumbry’s mint rookie card to a nickel in his baseball card magazine.

Dustin Pedroia – The Sawx scored 14 runs and the Sparky Anklebiter went 0-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Marco Scutaro – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 runs.  Now 7 for his last 12.  Marco…Scutaro…Just pops up in the most unlikely places (when you close your eyes in a pool).

Mike Leake – 9 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was one out from a one-hitter shutout when LaHair moussed him.

Bobby Parnell – Gave up 2 runs as he blew the save, but the Mets went on to win the game.  Doesn’t it seem that when a team rallies after a blown save that the team is less inclined to worry about the closer blowing the game originally?  Maybe it’s just confirmation bias.  (<–Thanks, Psych 101!)

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer as Jesus sat, which is nowhere near as hip as Jesus walks.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer and 43rd steal for the slam & legs.  He’s obviously nowhere as valuable as Ellsbury this year, but I still have my delusions that he can be one of these years.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That looks like the Peavy of old… Oh, I know.  He was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with a homer and he’s batting .455 in the last week.  If he got hot for the final three weeks it wouldn’t shock me.  Whatever he can do to pull the wool over people’s eyes for next year he’ll do it.  I can see it now.  Random Commenter in March, “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Rios?  While he was one of the worst players and human beings for five months, he was good last September.”

Jason Motte – Salas pitched in the 7th inning and Motte got the save.  The closer role has been clinched!…Then Motte gave up a run.  So I’d look at Motte first, but there’s no way of knowing which way the wind’s going to blow La Russa’s feathered locks.

Ramon Ramirez – Speaking of closers, everyone’s pointing at Sergio Romo and he pitched the 8th inning while Ram-Ram got the save.  This is an obviously fluid situation that needs plastic bed sheets.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his 16th steal.  I guess you don’t need steals.  Must be nice being like the little Monopoly man with steals hanging out of your tuxedo.  Ooh, look at me, I have Boardwalk and Park Place and steals.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now 2.86 on the year and his record is 11-1.  Good enough to make a Philly fan puke on someone.  In a good way.

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Back in June when he was first called up, I made him a Buy.  You can look it up!  Since then, haven’t really talked about him.  He now has a 3.53 ERA in 35 2/3 innings with a 1.18 WHIP and he’s been much better as a starter than a long reliever as the Pirates used him for a bit.  His Ks are a bit pedestrian and he grew his beard because some letter written by an 11-year-old.  You are your own boss, Lincoln!  I could see streaming him for the reminder of the season with the right matchups.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  On Monday, he went 3-for-4.  Ryan Without-Mitt usually can hit; he can’t usually stay healthy.  That’s his caveat for our Latin American readers.

Jose Tabata – Has a fracture in his hand.  Or as they say in Brad Hand’s household, a fractured last name.

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”

Hanley Ramirez is done for this year with shoulder instability.  He may even need surgery, which would hurt him for next year.  I went over this a bit in yesterday’s roundup.  Not sure how many of you saw that post because I switched the website server so we could be faster, but now we might be too fast because I don’t know if we’re coming or going.  The doctor said Hanley’s shoulder was so tender that he fears that local Cubans may mistake it for lechon.  “Stop dipping me in mojo sauce!”  If you have Hanley in a redraft league, I imagine you’re already reading our fantasy football section, but if you’re not, it’s safe to drop Hanley.  In fact, drop him on his shoulder for good measure.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Johnson – Officially done for the year.  Backdate that to May.  The Palm Beach Post, which I believe has the best shuffleboard sports columnist in Yitz Kunkel, reported that Johnson should be good to go for next year’s spring training.  That’s like saying a 99-year-old has a good chance at seeing 100.  I mean, it’s possible.  But c’mon.  Let’s see Johnson get through more than two months before saying he’ll be good for 2012.  A Johnson hasn’t been this battered since Lorena Bobbit took a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Shin-Soo Choo – To the DL.  Ironic that he was stopped for a DUI because he makes me want to drink.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  All I ask is if you’re gonna be bad as in bad not bad as in good then be bad.

Cliff Pennington – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 12th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  It’s one part shock, one part awe and a good helping of shamalangadingdong.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-5 with his 39th steal.  If I would’ve just drafted all breakfast foods — Melky, Coco Crisp, Eggsbury with Halladay’s — I would’ve had a decent team.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wasn’t terrific, but wasn’t quite a shellacking, which is good cause you’d need nail polish remover to get that off your fantasy team.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, hitting over .300 in the last week.  Also, he was able to impart some solace to a young fan, Billy Beepee, that his last name won’t always conjure up a man-made disaster.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer in two days and his 8th steal.  A Canadian Hosmer fantasy owner, “Take off, you Hosmer!

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, hitting .333 over the last week.  Royal fans thinking about their future years where they’re not the laughingstock of the MLB are gonna have some Moistakas.

Magglio Ordonez – 3-for-4 with a homer and a steal.  Did he drive a DeLorean to the ballpark?

Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Austin Jackson keeps hitting like this and he’s gonna get sued by Carl Weathers or have to return Vanity’s calls.   It’s time for “Austin!”

Brett Lawrie – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, his 7th homer and 4th steal while batting .340.  That’s 7 homers, 15 runs and 20 RBIs in only 26 games, BTW.  FWIW, WTF, WOW.  Hey, Jennings, there’s a new mayor in Fantasy Baseball Heartthrob Town and his name is Brett Lawrie.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4, his 2nd homer in as many games while batting .367 on the Blue Jays.  Aaron Hill who?!  I know, Henry Hill.  I know, Mr. Underhill.  I do not know any Aaron Hill.

Yunel Escobar – 8 for his last 11 with three runs and two RBIs.  To put all of these crazy Blue Jays hits in perspective, they were facing the bottom of the Orioles rotation.  And there’s no top.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  After the game, Vlad said he was offended by the new show, Russian Dolls, because there’s not one Russian Dominican.

Dana Eveland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This start looks good on paper, but he doesn’t.  A 4.38 ERA in Triple-A with a 6.25 K-rate.  With apologies to our three lady readers, Dana throws like a girl.

Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer.  Hasn’t done much in a while, but he has been playing every day so the opportunity is there.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your call.

Yovani Gallardo – He had 8 Ks and gave up 4 homers in 4 2/3 innings.  It’s like he’s only facing Mark Reynolds.

Corey Hart – Member how I said yesterday he was one of the hottest hitters in the 2nd half so far?  Guess who homered again?  His name sounds like Horey Cart.

Rafael Furcal – Now has homers in 2 consecutive games and is hitting .320 over the last week.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, he’s worth a look before he’s hurting.

Albert Pujols – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 3 runs and two homers.  Only thing missing from the superfecta was a steal.

Jair Jurrjens – He’s going to see a knee specialist this weekend.  I hope the doctor’s name is Neal.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has now homered in consecutive games.  Better than pulling a hammy in consecutive games, I suppose.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he continues his great under-the-radar season.  I need more of those.  So much better than the terrible over-the-radar seasons I seem to be getting from others.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and the Reds are about to shut him down for the year.  Crotchety Old Man, “I wish I could shut down a leak without the help of a urologist.”

Juan Francisco – 0-for-3, was recalled and got the start at 3rd base.  Rolen-Hurty, the Juan Francisco treat!  In 300 ABs in Triple-A this year, Francisco had 15 homers and a .307 average with only 10 walks.  Then, in a surprise move, Juan actually drew a base on balls yesterday.  Well, it looked like a flattened hat sitting on top of a peach, but he said it was a base on balls.

WWJDH – When Will Jesus DH?  Today.  Jesus Montero is being called up.  Today is baseball’s Easter.  The Yankee DH spot is no longer the lineup leper.  Or is it?  I’m not sure the Yankees are going to play Montero every day as their DH.  They may just play him vs. lefties.  He’s more than capable.  In Triple-A this year, 17 homers and a .289 average.  What makes him really appealing to those that aren’t just Jesus freaks is his position eligibility.  If you’re in a two catcher league, he’s worth the flyer.  Conservatively, I wouldn’t expect more than 3 homers and a good average.  In the big picture, it’s mostly hype for this year.  In keepers, he’s probably already owned, and, if he’s not, he should be.  The real positive is while most Yankees will be resting in September for the postseason, Jesus should be able to show off his bat and frankincense.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – May have a serious shoulder injury that may require surgery.  In an O. Henry twist, Logan Morrison will be performing the surgery.  Hanley may not even be ready at the start of 2012.  Maybe he’s Mayan.  If this is true, not sure where Hanley will be drafted next year, but this is a blow, i.e., this blows, i before e except in Teixeira, Hanley will fall at least a half dozen rounds kinda like Chase Utley did this year.  If you have Hanley in keepers, you need to start thinking about whether it makes sense to keep him.  Then take a quaalude and reevaluate when the news gets confirmed.

Matt Diaz – Was traded back to the Braves.  Diaz is about as useful in mixed leagues as he is in a mixed salad.  Speaking of food, I watch a lot of terrible reality TV but perhaps the worst show of them all is Hell’s Kitchen.  These chefs are supposed to be competing for head chef job at BLT Steak.  Forget that, I can’t imagine any of them making a good BLT.

Devin Mesoraco – The Reds saw the Yankees’ top catching prospect and called with their own.  At Triple-A this year, Mesoraco had 15 homers and a .289 average.  I actually like Mesoraco better than Montero for next year simply because no one knows if the Yankees will ever give The Deity playing time.  For this year, Mesoraco may not see enough playing time for mixed leagues and, even if he does, he’s gonna give you what in a month?  3 homers and a good average.  I see your eh, and I raise you a meh.  In two catcher leagues, you do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle with Monie and Malcolm.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and two homers.  Now has 14 homers and a .278 average in 417 ABs.  At the age of 21, this has been a solid intro into the league.  Much better than the Royals’ previous first basemen crapbucket.  Even better than his Big Fat Greek Teammate, but it’s still early for both of them.  Hopefully they keep taking steps forward unlike Alex Gordon, who took steps forward, then back, then to the side then slide, slide.

Mike Gonzalez – The Rangers acquired the lefty reliever as they try and make each game 4 innings long.  This also helps the Rangers goal to have every Gonzalez and Rodriguez in MLB play for them at some point.

Jake Peavy – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  How much of a pay cut you think Peavy would take to pitch again in Petco?  60%?  75%?

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Held out of the lineup with general soreness.  General Soreness is his interpreter/bodyguard.

Scott Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 16 years after her death.  She had sass, but not that much, I guess.

Jason Kubel – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last two games… *yawn*  Sorry, who was I talking about?  Oh, yeah, Jason Kubel– *snooze* Wow, I might need an afternoon nap.  So who was I saying is currently hot?  Oh, yeah, Jason– *conked out*

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  In August, his ERA was 2.30, which includes one massacre (vs. Astros 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER).  He can’t seem to escape those occasional sharts.

Jesus Guzman – 3-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Now hitting .330 in 182 ABs with 5 homers.  For those who saw this coming raise your hand.  Now everyone with their hand up that is related to Jesus Guzman, lower your hand.  You don’t count.  You’re like Bud Fox with insider info about Blue Star.

Jhoulys Chacin – Because of swollen tonsils he’ll miss his start in San Diego.  I think I’m facing his tonsils this week in H2H.

Jason Bay – The Mets announced they think Bay can play center field next year on a regular basis and they love his leadership and positive clubhouse presence.  They also said they’d trade him for a bag of Funyuns.

Edwin Encarnacion – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  This was also his 6th homer for the month of August.  On July 29th — ya know, right before August started — I said, “Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.”  And that’s me quoting me!  At this point, I’d own Encarnacion until he’s no longer hitting well.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and K.J.’s first homer as a Blue Jay.  He’s now doing better in his new surroundings than Aaron Hill.  Still too early to call one a winner.  Put on the suspense music and watch out for cats jumping out of closets!

Eric Thames – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  For what it’s Wuertz, the Jays were facing a peg boy.

Henderson Alvarez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole of hitters.  In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher.  Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.  Before we start reaching around on each other, this was a good matchup vs. the O’s.  Still only a very deep league flyer.

Brent Lillibridge – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Doesn’t his name sound like a Native American name for a person of small stature? “Papa, I want to go on the Superman Tower of Power Rollercoaster!” “I’m sorry, Brent Lillibridge.  You don’t reach Daffy Duck’s hand.”

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, batting .538 since his call up.  The problem when he was first called up was we weren’t sure of his playing time.  He’s playing every day.  You pick him up now.  You’re welcome.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th steal.  He had two singles, a double and a triple for the Juan Pierre cycle.

J.D. Drew – Injured his middle finger.  There have been a lot of middle-finger injuries involving J.D. Drew, but this is the first time one happened that didn’t involve a fan and repetitive-stress injury.