Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59. Hi ho the Berrios, snitches! Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9. That’s Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel’s head as you gallop through the Sahara heat. You don’t usually see that kind of sample size — that’s what she said! — in Triple-A. You know why? Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios. Most teams also don’t tie a player’s paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player’s feet, just out of their reach.” And that’s me quoting me! Here’s the kicker. That was from two years ago! I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said! His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy. His next start at Baltimore will be the true test. If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Bautista is such a douche canoe. He bat-flipped after a home run that cut the Braves lead to 8-4. That’s like “Pimp my Ride” with a Hyundai. That’s like moonwalking at a bar mitzvah with toilet paper on your shoe. That’s like screaming at your recently ex-girlfriend, “I’ll never be alone, because I will always have my mom!” He’s hitting .208, and hasn’t looked right since Odor ended him like Drago ended Apollo. Any hoo! This has nothing to do with Bautista. Well, kinda. Freddie Freeman was hit on the wrist, and then all hell broke out for the better part of the Jays/Braves games. Freeman looked like he was in serious pain and he’s headed for an MRI and CT scan today. I don’t own him, but I will join your prayer hexagon if you need me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We have our first big call-up of the major league season!!! “Yoo-hoo!” You want chocolate milk, Cody Bellinger? “I was drawing attention to myself, since I was called up first.” Oh, yeah, but you feel like you were always here. “Oh, well, that’s nice of you to say–” Shut up, Cody Bellinger! Bradley Zimmer, now this is a call-up! “I’ll be up soon!” Shut up, Amed Rosario! This is about Bradley Zimmer. Zimmer is a guy who is a speed-first, power-second, average-third guy. Actually, on base percentage second in leagues that count that sorta thing. In Triple-A, he had five homers, nine steals and a 30% strikeout rate. He looks like Keon Broxton who should be platooned out of the lineup against lefties. I will call him, Right-on Broxton. I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available, you don’t want to miss out on the first big call-up. “Seriously, are you just ignoring me?” Bellinger, you’re getting on my last nerve! For 2017, I’d give Zimmer a line around 45/10/40/.235/20. That could be the best call-up of the year. “Seriously?!” Shut it down, CB! Oh, and I’m aware that Zimmer went 0-for-3 with 3 Ks out of the nine hole, but Bellinger looked lost thru a whole two starts too when he was first called up. “Keep my name out of your mouth!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday was a bad day to quit being young with A.J. Pollock and Carlos Gomez both hitting the DL. Together! In a non-gay way. But it would’ve been totally cool with me if it was in a gay way. Let’s start with Pollock since he is the less ethnically sensitive of the two. Pollock has a Grade 1 groin strain. When the strain happened, Pollock was reading Groin Strains for Dummies. Chapter 1: Don’t Move Your Leg In A Normal Manner. “Go to a trampoline, but don’t jump on it with your feet, fall on it sitting criss-cross apple sauce.” Pollock will likely be out for two to three weeks, and in his place the Russian Game of Thrones character, Gregor Blanco, and Reymond “You Can’t Not Think Of Daisy” Fuentes. Fuentes is the more interesting of two, since he should be on the stronger side of a platoon, and has speed. Outside of NL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’m passing on both. As for CarGomez, he will miss four to six weeks. That’s too bad, he used to be good three years ago. Replacing him on the roster will be Jared Hoying, who looks like a Motter-fodder. Then, we have Carlos Carrasco, who is affectionately known as Cookie, and I am a Cookie Monster for him, so this one hurts me. In yesterday’s game, Carrasco had a huge lead, when he squandered that and left the game with a trainer. All you had to do with cruise to the W on the Ivictory Coast! Apparently, that’s the way the Cookie crumbles. He was diagnosed with left pectoral tightness, which doesn’t sound bad. Which, Part 2: The Return of the Which, will still likely mean a DL stint. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, on the holiest of Hallmark-created holidays and celebrated most of all by Bill Hall, mothers from all different backgrounds came together to put up their feet, sip mimosas and talk about how “The Handmaid’s Tale” could totally happen now with Trump. I’d contend that Hallmark should get a little credit for women’s rights. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Secretary’s Day, “Buy a card just because you love her” Day… Before this, it was, “Do you wanna make this pelt I skinned into a rug or a sweater for little Kevin? What? You’re tired from churning butter? Okay, you can have the afternoon after you make beef and kidney pie.” In honor of Mother’s Day, one of the great lovers of women (who are handcuffed to his bedpost), Aroldis Chapman was diagnosed with rotator cuff inflammation, and will be sidelined for a month. If Dellin Betances is available in your league, can I get into your league? If there’s an entry fee, all the better. You pay it, and we’ll split the cash prizes. I even grabbed Tyler Clippard in one league just in case Betances gets all Cuddle Boy on us. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jeurys Familia has been diagnosed with a clogged artery in his right shoulder. Do the Met doctors have Waze? Try the Van Wyck Artery. You know what’s happening here, right? This is Metsferatu, the evil spirit who haunts Mets pitching. Metsferatu was not happy about the Taillon news, only he sidelines pitchers! Metsferatu looks at back cover of the Post and Daily News, plotting his next move, “What if I give Gsellman a third testicle? Or two horns that pop out of his forehead so people can call him Gazelleman? Maybe I go hitter and turn Neil Walker into a zombie. Will anyone notice? I mean, I had them replace a guy with Valley Fever with a guy named dude-a and no one said a damn thing.” So, Jeurys Familia could be out a while, or not at all. Still early to say, but I would absolutely grab Addison Reed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If players are going to break out in a season, they don’t always break out the first week of a season. I’m reminded of another Phillies player, Dominic Brown. The year he broke out, it didn’t happen until June of that year. Of course, in subsequent years, his swing got long like Don Johnson’s in The Harrad Experiment and rather than working his way back in the cages, Brown was preoccupied with avoiding his stalker, Tehol. This brings us to another potential breakout, Aaron Altherr. Or as Mystikal calls him, Altherr. You don’t have to be scurred, he’s doing his thang. Altherr hit two more homers yesterday (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .351), and is one of the hottest players in the majors this week. Of course, this won’t continue, but to what degree will this tail off? By the way, I want to be a judge at a twerking competition called a Tail Off. In the minors, he’s shown speed (20-ish) and power (teen-ish). With his Ks and BABIP, his average will come down a long way (maybe .250), but I see no reason why he can’t be a 17/20/.250 hitter on the year, and definitely a must own. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Francisco Rodriguez was removed from the closer job, because he was being sued by a dumpster fire for trademark infringement. A portion of the deposition transcript follows:
“Is it true that you were passing an alleyway behind a Subway sandwich shop in late-March when you remarked to your friend, Nicholas Castellanos, that you thought it would be cool to also be a dumpster fire?”
“Leading the witness.”
“I’ll rephrase. What did you say to Nicholas Castellanos when you saw a dumpster fire?”
“I could be that.”
“That dumpster fire?”
“Yes! It was aglow like E.T.’s finger! I am the Icarus of refuse!” So, Francisco Rodriguez is out, and Justin Wilson is in as the Tigers’ closer. I’d guess the Tigers will try to go back to K-Rod at some point, but I’d also think it won’t turn out any better, and Wilson will end up being a solid closer, maybe even a Donkeycorn. I’d grab Wilson in all leagues. Then, there’s the case of Mark Melancon, who was DL’d due to an injury near his forearm. “But I just learned it’s not a Hard C!” That’s a Giants fan. This might be me overreacting, but an injury near a forearm for a closer sounds like trouble. There’s been some disagreement about who will take over, and I grabbed Hunter Strickland and Derek Law where I could, but I’m also like Pookie for SAGNOF, fiending for saves. *smacks veins* Give me more setup men! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jameson Taillon was sidelined indefinitely as he’s being treated for testicular cancer. *everyone but five girl readers cross their legs* As a man, this is up there with the scariest things that could happen. 1. Ball cancer. 2. Someone scratches my ride. 3. Hearing “Are you in yet?” when you’re in. That’s ranked in order, but they’re close. This reminds me of the time I neutered my dog. I asked the doctor if I could take home in a formaldehyde jar my boys’ ‘berries.’ I told the doctor no dog would ever misbehave with a constant reminder nearby that I could hold up to show what I was capable of. They didn’t give the jar to me. Hopefully Taillon’s okay, and back soon. I will say I would’ve liked to be there when his replacement, Trevor Williams, was asked to take the ball. Williams gulps, “Can we clarify which ball you mean?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
True story, I told Cougs that I had the hots for Maria Conchita Alonso, and she was like, “You know the woman who walks her Yorkie off leash in the neighborhood that Ted always tries to hump?” I answered in the affirmative. I hate people who have their dogs off leash. It’s like people who bring their dog into the supermarket. I love dogs, but I don’t need Arfer Woofruff licking my bottle of Kombucha. Any hoo! As you likely figured, the woman with her Yorkie off leash is Maria Conchita Alonso, and she’s no longer hot because she can’t follow the rules! So, guys and five girl readers, Yonder Alonso has nine homers. Quite the change from a guy who used to be Hither Alonso. Okay, Imma let Fangraphs Database finish about launch angle and exit velocity, but Yonder Alonso is the greatest 1st baseman waiver wire pick up right now. Yonder Alonso had two homers on Saturday and added his ninth on Sunday, and I’d grab him everywhere. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?